GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 5 ACCEPTANCE, PART 1

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the final stage, Acceptance.

You've come a long way baby. Take a look at where you can go from here. You need look no further than the few periods in history when Fullheads did not rule the world.

Denial was just a River in Egypt

When we talk about Ancient Egypt, we’re really talking about the years between 2900 B.C. and 300 B.C. That’s a pretty substantial reign there, and during that time baldness was more than just common place; it was preferred.

Of course there are many different theories about how and why this occurred. Many scholars believe that the Egyptians shaved their heads because of the hot climate. Others believe they did it to keep their hair free from vermin. Both of those reasons were probably given by our Egyptian brothers to convince their peers, and you have to give them kudos for their moxie. Unfortunately, history has not recorded the name of the genius that convinced an entire civilization to join him in all of his bald glory.

Using our advanced knowledge of Egyptology (and fluency in hieroglyphics), plus our profound knowledge of the bald man’s psyche, we’ve been able to recreate that moment here for the first time. In order for a greater number of 21st century men to understand it, we’ve taken the time to translate this from hieroglyphics to English. The Fullhead in question, while also not identified, was probably a pharaoh. It had to be someone high up the executive chart. Now, without further ado, is that historical conversation.

Fullhead: This sun is causing me to sweat. I cannot stay out in the sun and supervise the slaves today. Let them build the pyramids without my consultation.

Bald man: I never have that problem. I don’t sweat as much as you.

Fullhead: Is that a glandular thing?

Bald man: Not at all. I have decided that in this heat I must divest my head of any extra warmth.

Fullhead: I once thought your baldness was a weakness. Now I am not so sure. Tell me, bald man, how is it that I can’t see the vermin on your head despite your lack of hair to disguise it.

Bald man: I have no vermin on my head. The vermin actually lives in hair. And since I have no hair, I have no vermin.

Fullhead: This bald man speaks the truth. From this day forward, let it be written that every Egyptian must be as bald and vermin free as my friend here.

Bald man: You won’t be sorry.

What can a bald-centric society accomplish? Some twenty four centuries later the world still travels to Egypt to marvel at Ancient Egypt’s tribute to smooth baldness; the Pyramids. While everyone now claims the slaves of the time were responsible for building the pyramids, we have no way of knowing whether or not the slaves lived by the styles of the day. If so, we salute their accomplishment. If not, let’s face it, they didn’t design the thing. They just did the grunt work.

The Renaissance

For our purposes here, we’re talking about the years between 1500 or so and July 14, 1789. While it’s currently unpopular to give the French credit for anything, let’s not forget their heyday; the Renaissance. It was in the 16th century that one of our French brothers began wearing a wig. It slowly started catching on with the rest of our brothers, and by the 17th century God smiled down on society from above. He sent a bald king by the name of Louis XIII. Louis loved the wigs worn by our bald brothers, and when he began wearing one, it set the fashion. This fashion spread throughout the rest of Western Society as well. His son, Louis XIV (also known as the Sun King--perhaps the most famous King of the Millennium), had such a passion for wigs he had hundreds of them.

The Age of Reason

What was the result of this pro-wig society? Some of the greatest thinkers of the past millennium lived during this time.

For two hundred blissful years, the wig was not an object of derision; it was a necessity for a gentleman to be accepted by society. People were actually expected to wear wigs. For two hundred years, man was judged not by the hair on his head, but by what he said and did. Great thinkers who had been kept down by society for eighteen centuries were finally able to emerge and function as peers. With the wig for cover, these bald greats walked side by side with Fullheads in society. And the accomplishments of the era speak for themselves.

Great thinkers like Sir Isaac Newton, Goethe, and Voltaire would have been using their brain power to come up with something like “At least I don’t spend all my money on brushes and combs” if they had lived just one hundred years earlier. Without the wig, and the enlightened thought that was allowed to flourish because of it, western culture would still be wasting its time on Crusades in the Middle East.

Toupee or not Toupee

While we mourn the loss of Renaissance society’s pre-occupation with the wig, it should be noted that two brave bald souls achieved greatness during that era without the benefit of a wig. That makes their accomplishments even more astounding. They should be the model for modern day bald man. Their names? William Shakespeare and Leonardo Da Vinci.

Da Vinci was a scientist, an artist, an astrologer, an inventor, and a guy who presumably came up with some sort of code that people are still reading about in the thriller section of the bookstore. Shakespeare also has a place in the bookstore of today. He still sells a copy or two of his big plays, and there are more than a few references to our people in his work. Let’s not forget that one of his most famous plays was called “Much Ado about Nothing,” and if that isn’t an homage to baldness, what is? The following quotes are further examples…

“What’s gone, and what’s past help, should be past grief.”
--The Winter’s Tale

“So what if I’m bald, what are thou going to do about it, bitch?”
--Confrontation with best friend Richard Burbage outside Globe Theatre, January 17, 1591

Our Founding Fathers

“Three things are men most likely to be cheated in, a horse, a wig, and a wife”.
--Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanac

We hear it so often it’s really become a cliché, but the United States of America is considered the greatest country in the world. Our system of government is admired everywhere and helped turn the Western World into the champion of democracy. Is it a coincidence that many, if not all, of our Founding Fathers wore wigs? Have we been able to write a groundbreaking document since the wig went out of style? Let’s see, there was the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Since that time the only great additions to those documents were no-brainers: ending slavery and letting women vote. The other attempts haven’t exactly been glorious have they? Prohibition? Limiting the president to two terms? C’mon.

Among the great wig-wearers who helped create this country were George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. One is merely known as “The Father of our Country” and the other has been called the “Renaissance Man” of the Founding Fathers; a fountain of knowledge and wit, and the face on the $100 bill.

The Beginning of the End

We mark the end of The Age of Reason with the beginning of the French Revolution. The date: July 14, 1789. When those French peasants rushed the Bastille, our people were forever thrown back into darkness. On that day, the wig became a symbol of the wealthy aristocracy. It was “the man” of it’s time, and nobody likes “the man.”

Still, the wig would have quietly retreated to the pages of history, if not for our bald brothers of the time. Most of the aristocracy gave up their wigs and tried to blend in with the new Fullhead society. If all of them had done it, they may have averted a tragedy. However, our bald brothers within the French aristocracy were unwilling to give up their wigs. Faced with the choice of uncovering their baldness or being executed, they chose execution. By the end of the French Revolution not a single one had survived, and the French have contributed nothing to society since.


The Third Bald Era

The reason why our French brothers reacted the way they did was that they instinctively realized that the good times were over—and probably over forever. So far, that has proven to be true. However, there is no time like the present.

If only our bald brothers around the world would stop wasting their time in the first four stages of grieving, we could band together and use our superior intellect and numbers to create a world where our people could roam free.

Next month, in our final installment, we'll show you the way.