Half Empty

2007-12-18T21:47:00.001-06:00

OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

By Dave Stern

If they had an America’s Funniest Catholic Home Videos show there is no doubt Rick would win the $10,000 grand prize.

Scene: The inside of a Wheaton church, at a typical Catholic wedding where an extremely young looking Rick and Bridget were professing their love for one another. The groomsmen were standing in front, waiting for the open bar, when the priest offered the host to the congregation. After a few seconds of nudging from the second groomsman, the first groomsman tentatively approached the father where he received the holy sacrament. The groomsman took the wafer, sheepishly turned around and stuck it in the front pocket of his rented tux.

You would think that they would have gone over this little ritual with the Jewish guy standing up, wouldn’t you? What are rehearsal dinners for? Alas, they didn’t, and for the remainder of the night I had to answer the question, “Hey Dave, is that the body of Christ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me” from about a million people I didn’t know.

I forgot about this little incident until the beginning of this year when my oldest daughter Lyla started preschool at the local Catholic school. Even though we are all God’s children, there are a few differences between us Jews and Catholics.

First off, they think they know corned beef but they really don’t. This is proven by the school’s September 5th lunch menu: Lean corned beef sandwich on white bread, served with choice of mustard, butter or mayo. I’m not sure what they served at the last supper, but I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t the daily special. He knew that corned beef is always served on rye, and the only thing His disciples would have needed to pass was the mustard.

Second, please do us few Jewish families at the school a favor; don’t teach the sign of the cross to preschoolers on the eve of Rosh Hashanah. If there was an America’s Funniest Jewish Home Video show, Lyla flopping the cross out in front of Grandpa and Grandma during services would no doubt win the grand prize. By the way, you ever notice that the sign for hit and run is very similar? Lyla pointed that out while we watched the Cubs in the playoffs. Maybe that’s why they haven’t won in 100 years.

Third, do yourselves a favor and don’t let us Jews play in your monthly raffles. Of the three raffles held, the STERN family has won two of them. Take that my Gentile friends.

Finally, please include a little instruction manual when you send out that gigantic box of offering envelopes to us Jews. I had to call Rick to find out what they were. Also, please don’t use permanent labels on the front. Those are real hard to peel off when my people reuse ‘em for business correspondence.

Other than these little differences, we’re all pretty much the same. In fact, the Catholics have actually improved a couple of our moves. I have to hand it to them, they sure know how to fund raise…..and fund raise…..and fund raise….and fund raise. Don’t even get me started on that guilt thing.

2007-12-11T22:52:00.000-06:00

CHRISTMAS FORM LETTER GREATEST HITS, PART 1
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Tis the season for Christmas form letters, and once again your friends at Half Empty have managed to secure some of the greatest Christmas form letters of all-time. Between now and Christmas we'll feature a few of our favorites.

This week's entry was sent out 99 years ago, just before Christmas 1908.

Dear Friends and Family,

1908 sure has been a big year for the Chance family. Frank and his boys in Chicago managed to win yet another World Series!

I know what you're thinking: Doesn't it get old, winning so much, so often? Frank says he can't get enough of it, but to be honest it has been a little hectic around the house. Maybe next year the boys can let someone else have a chance. (No pun intended…OK, pun intended)

I know a wife shouldn't complain, but have you ever been to the Catskills in October? It's really the best time of year to go, but because Frank has such a booked October schedule every year, we just don't get the chance (yup, another pun) to see it. I was talking to Mrs. Tinker and Mrs. Evers about it the other day and they feel the same way.

In the unlikely event that the Cubs ever don't make it to the World Series some year, maybe our families will go together. That is, if Joe and Johnny ever (yup, another pun) start talking to each other again. Leave it to those Irish boys to tinker (tee hee, OK, I'll stop now) with success.

Hope this Christmas season of 1908 finds you and yours in good health (except for you, Ty Cobb). Oh, and please don't talk about this letter with Heinie Zimmerman. He may be a fairly good backup infielder, but he's not on our list because he's Jewish. They don't celebrate Christmas, you know.

Here's to a healthy 1909, and for that matter, the rest of this "Century of the Cubs."

Love and Kisses,
Mary Chance

2007-12-04T22:07:00.000-06:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--THE FINAL STAGE, ACCEPTANCE
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we present the second and final part of the final stage, Acceptance.

The Thirty Year Plan

“Bobby Knight told me this; he said there is nothing that a good defense that…uh… can not beat a better offense. In other words, a good offense wins.”
--Dan Quayle

The Fullhead former Vice President has it all right there in his jumbled attempt at explaining Bobby Knight. It’s not good enough to have a good defense; we have to go on the offense. Our years of deflecting criticism and jokes are over—that was just playing defense. You can’t win if you don’t score.

With that in mind we have spent the last few years designing the nuts and bolts of the bald revolution. This is a complicated thirty year plan to take over the world and/or solve all of the world’s problems. We may not have to do the former to do the latter, but it would so much more fun if we took over too.

But we can’t do it without the help of every single bald brother. The first step is reading this book and getting to Stage Five. If you know anyone out there still mired in one of the first four stages, please get this book for them to help. We need all hands on deck.

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 1

The first phase of the plan, winning the hearts and minds of the world, begins immediately. Bald has to be considered cool. This is a pop-culture battle first and foremost. We need to put a face on baldness. This someone has to be cool, hip, widely respected and beloved by people of all generations. We think the choice is obvious: Michael Jordan. The greatest athlete of the 20th century (according to ESPN) will be our official spokesperson.

The next thing we need is a slogan. We have tentatively selected the slogan “Bald is Bad,” (using the word “bad” in the Huggy Bear 70’s meaning of the word.) As in Bad-ass. Believe us—Michael Jordan can pull this off. He is Bad. Catch our drift.

Of course, we know that a slogan and a spokesperson is not enough to get across the message. We need experts to craft that message—media geniuses like famous bald producers (and co-founders of DreamWorks) Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. They will put together a wildly creative series of television and print ads that will sell our message to the masses.

And then we will repeat this message over and over and over and over and over and over again. This will make the “Got Milk” slogan seem low-key. Great bald men will be fighting each other to make the next “Bald is Bad” commercial. Every bald man in America from Vice President Dick Cheney to Bill Murray to Charles Barkley to Alan Greenspan to Bruce Willis will want to be a part of this.

This carefully crafted message will become a part of the American lexicon. Then, we turn it loose on the rest of world using such foreign luminaries as Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo (soccer’s Michael Jordan—another bald man), Afghanistan President Karzai, and David Carradine as Kung Fu.

After about ten years of this, we will begin inching toward our goal: World domination.

All we need is the pro-bono work of the people we mention here (which should be no problem—this is for our people), free airtime on network television (do you hear us Balding CEO Michael Eisner?), and the help of our bald brothers around the world.

How can you help with Part 1?

“I took off that stupid Viking hat and wig and painted my head purple; an unforgettable billboard for both testosterone and the Minnesota Vikings. I’d like to see a Fullhead pull that off.”
--Joe K

Thank you, Joe. Every little bit helps. Help us spread the word. Say it loud. Say it proud. You don’t exactly have to invent a new fuel to do your part. (Although…now that we mention it, if somebody wants to get cracking on that too—it would really help the cause.)

“I moved my entire family to Bald Head Island in North Carolina.”
--Peter K.
“I moved my entire family to Bald Mountain in Idaho.”
--Andreas K.

If you are a bald man and secure enough to move to those places, that says quite a bit about our people. It says, we’re not afraid, and your mocking will do absolutely nothing to harm me ever again. You are saying “Look, I’m an easy target, and you can’t get me.”

Amen, Peter & Andreas.

“I planted bald cypress all over my backyard….because ‘Bald Cypress is Bad!”
--Dane P.

Excellent use of our message, Dane, and another good example of making yourself an easy target on purpose to flaunt your legendary lack of fear. You are saying “Mock me, go ahead, it means absolutely nothing to me. I’m a bald man planting bald cypress—got a problem with that?”

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 2

Ever since our people were killed in France during the French Revolution, we have been outnumbered. Even natural selection worked against us for awhile, not because we are inferior, but because the Fullheads feared us and mocked us into hiding. It has taken over two hundred years to clear the countless hurdles that Fullhead society has put in our way, but we’re beginning to make progress.

The second stage involves replenishing our people. We are smarter than they are. We are more virile than they are. With the combination of our smarts and virility, we can start repopulating the world with more of us. When natural selection is not impeded, we will naturally become dominant.

How can we help with Part 2?

Start spreading your seed, gentlemen. It won’t be difficult. Chicks instinctively know what a bald man can do. Do it.

We don’t need to draw you a picture here do we?

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 3

Now it’s time to fix the world. During our window of opportunity we have to make the most of our abilities. Since we don’t want to waste efforts doing things like creating the greatest Italian Beef sandwich, we’re going to lay out our priorities as a people and help direct the efforts in attaining them. Our priorities are….

• Curing the common cold
• Curing cancer
• Achieving peace in the Middle East
• A Chicago Cubs World Series victory
• Creating a world where Democrats and Republicans can live in harmony
• Building Mount Brush-no-more
• Educating the public about the difference between spring rolls and egg rolls
• Eradicating Ziggy

How can we help during Part 3?

If you are a scientist, researcher or doctor, drop whatever else you are doing to work on curing the cold or cancer. Let’s put our bald brain power to work and crack those nuts. (We will accept scientists working to fix the holes in the ozone layer too—but after you do that, get back to cancer, capice?)

If you are a Jew or an Arab or a Palestinian or an Iranian—get cracking on the Middle East peace thing, would you? It’s about time our people took over in that part of the world, don’t you think? How many thousands of years do the Fullheads need to prove they can’t do it?

If you are a bald baseball player and you’re playing for a team other than the Chicago Cubs, shame on you. Get your weasel agent to force a trade.

If you are in politics, put all of the time and effort you currently use despising the other political party to despise the Fullheads instead. Get rid of them, and our problems will be over. Do a couple of those nasty attack ads—it’s not hard. Ask Karl Rove. He’s one of us. Democratic strategist James Carville can be nasty too. He’s another bald man. These natural allies should not be enemies. It’s counterproductive.

If you are a sculptor living in the Dakotas, start organizing the Mt. Brush-no-more project. Feel free to choose any great bald men as the subjects, but try to stick to people that are truly great. We don’t want a mountain carving of say, Don Rickles, when there are so many other great men to choose from.

If you work in a Chinese restaurant please inform the uninitiated the difference between spring rolls and egg rolls when they order. If they do it a second time, don’t serve them. If you are a customer at a restaurant and you order spring rolls, but they give you egg rolls, cause a scene. It’s completely justified.

If you are Ziggy cartoonist Tom Wilson, please stop. Just stop.

What can the rest of us do?

Of course, there is one more thing that every bald man can do that would help the cause. Just be the real you. The best and brightest of our people will take care of the nuts and bolts of the 30-year-plan—but it has no chance of success if you don’t show everyone your bald pride.

Together we’ll find our way.

Take that road right over there. It leads right to the top. The bald top.

And Bald is Bad!

2007-11-28T00:06:00.000-06:00

NUDITY!
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

We've been writing "Half Empty" for almost two years now, and have been tracking which columns seem to strike a nerve, and which columns get the most "hits" and/or "unique visitors."

We can tell when we strike a nerve because we get lots of feedback. Clearly our pieces about the Cubs, our middle aged road trip, and Nigerian spamming have gotten the most feedback.

But which column has the most hits and unique visitors by far? This column about men in showers.

We'd like to think it's because we were so funny or clever, but we know the real reason. It's because people (and we're going to go out on a limb here and guess 'gay men') are Googling "Men in Showers."

We've learned a valuable lesson here.

That's why we will never write a column about NUDE MEN. That would be wrong. And we'll never write a column about HOT NUDE MEN. That would be a cynical ploy to move up the Google rankings, something we would never do. The only thing worse than that would be to write a column about HOT NUDE WOMEN, and we'll never stoop that low. We're far too ethical.

In fact, from this point further, we're not taking any chances.

We're banning the use of the word NUDE completely, and that includes other forms of the word including NUDITY, MALE NUDITY and FEMALE NUDITY. NAKED is also hereby banned.

Don't even think about trying to get us to relax these new rules either. We don't care if LINDSAY LOHAN ISN'T WEARING PANTIES, it won't be referred to in this column. We don't care if BILL CLINTON'S NEW MISTRESS IS CAUGHT IN LIP LOCK WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, the PHOTOS or the text will not befoul this column. And we won't accidentally misspell "Bill" this way: "MILF". That would be incredibly bad spelling, and we have spell-check.

We know that this makes us come off as fuddy-duddies, but that's who we are. We're middle aged men with families, and we insist on being respectful. That's why those Hollywood lunatics can release CELEBRITY SEX TAPES until the cows come home--we won't write about them or show the CELEBRITY SEX VIDEOS here. J-LO'S PREGNANCY can reach it's full-term in peace as far as we're concerned. We don't care about THE FATHER OF J-LO'S BABY. We don't need to see ULTRA-SOUND PICTURES OF J-LO'S BABY, and we don't wonder if BEN AFFLECK IS THE FATHER OF J-LO'S BABY. It's none of our business.

Our rejection of CELEBRITY SLEAZE is not caused by a holier than thou attitude. We're not claiming to be "artists" or "activists." Even if JK ROWLING writes a SURPRISE HARRY POTTER SEQUEL and the SECRET MANUSCRIPT falls into our UNCLOTHED MALE hands, we won't mention it. We don't write about politics either, and not even GEORGE BUSH'S NATIONAL GUARD RECORDS, RUDY GIULIANI'S SEALED DIVORCE PAPERS, or JOHN KERRY'S MILITARY MEDICAL RECORDS will make us change that policy. Period.

Look, we're just a couple of guys trying to write a few jokes. Come back next week and we'll try to have some.

2007-11-14T00:03:00.000-06:00

TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGHS IN BREAKUPS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

A story in the news a few weeks ago caught our attention. A woman decided to get back at her ex-boyfriend by putting a picture of his wife and her phone number on "adult" websites. Sure, she was arrested for harassment, but you have to give her credit for her creativity.

It got us to thinking about the ways breaking up has changed over the past few years thanks to technology. The whole dynamic is different now. You can judge for yourself if the new dynamic is better, worse, or about the same.

Then: Put all of her pictures in a pile, and set them on fire; watching her face melt, blacken, turn into ash, and evaporate into dust.
Now: Click, highlight, and delete her photos from your hard-drive.

Then: Driving past his house and throwing microwaved tomatoes at it.
Now: Sending a digital photo to his cell-phone—of you giving him the finger.

Then: Having to make one last visit to her apartment to get all your records back.
Now: Sending an e-mail asking her to e-mail your music back to you.

Then: Risking it all by listening to the radio after the break up, knowing that at any moment the DJ could inadvertently play “your” song.
Now: I-Pod, baby. Either delete “your” song entirely, or don’t use the shuffle feature for a few months—just in case.

Then: Driving by to see if her lights are on.
Now: Using a scanner to listen in on the baby monitor.

Then: Sending him a pizza at 3 in the morning.
Now: Sending him a computer virus at any time.

Then: Re-reading her love letters from a happier time, glossing over the bad times and only remembering the good times.
Now: Looking at your cell-phone bill and tracking the memory of each call…she loved me, she started to get irritated with me, she told me I was a jerk, she broke up with me, she told me that if I ever called her again she would get a restraining order.

Then: Reliving the grief a million times each time an unsuspecting friend asks how he is doing.
Now: Emergency IM session with a few hundred friends—all at once.

Then: You can’t even recognize her face on those deteriorating old “Private Polaroid’s.”
Now: “Ex-Girlfriend” websites can give her the kind of world-wide audience she never expected.

Then: Throwing all of his belongings onto the front lawn.
Now: Selling all of his belongings on E-bay.

Then: Using the remote code to check her answering machine messages while she’s at work, only to hear her new boyfriend’s voice on the machine.
Now: Checking her cell-phone voicemail and deleting messages from her new boyfriend before she can hear them.

See what we mean? The whole world of break ups has drastically changed. Also, it occurs to us some of the old classics have been destroyed by technology forever. For instance, in the old days you could call a million times waiting for that one chance to get her on the line. Now, with caller I.D, automatic callback, and privacy manager, you would be exposed as the psycho boy you really are.

Also, you can’t use her phone number when you contribute to a charity anymore. What’s the use of getting her number on every single telemarketer’s phone list when she’s on the national no-call list?

Oh well, time marches on.

2007-11-07T00:00:00.000-06:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 5 ACCEPTANCE, PART 1

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the final stage, Acceptance.

You've come a long way baby. Take a look at where you can go from here. You need look no further than the few periods in history when Fullheads did not rule the world.

Denial was just a River in Egypt

When we talk about Ancient Egypt, we’re really talking about the years between 2900 B.C. and 300 B.C. That’s a pretty substantial reign there, and during that time baldness was more than just common place; it was preferred.

Of course there are many different theories about how and why this occurred. Many scholars believe that the Egyptians shaved their heads because of the hot climate. Others believe they did it to keep their hair free from vermin. Both of those reasons were probably given by our Egyptian brothers to convince their peers, and you have to give them kudos for their moxie. Unfortunately, history has not recorded the name of the genius that convinced an entire civilization to join him in all of his bald glory.

Using our advanced knowledge of Egyptology (and fluency in hieroglyphics), plus our profound knowledge of the bald man’s psyche, we’ve been able to recreate that moment here for the first time. In order for a greater number of 21st century men to understand it, we’ve taken the time to translate this from hieroglyphics to English. The Fullhead in question, while also not identified, was probably a pharaoh. It had to be someone high up the executive chart. Now, without further ado, is that historical conversation.

Fullhead: This sun is causing me to sweat. I cannot stay out in the sun and supervise the slaves today. Let them build the pyramids without my consultation.

Bald man: I never have that problem. I don’t sweat as much as you.

Fullhead: Is that a glandular thing?

Bald man: Not at all. I have decided that in this heat I must divest my head of any extra warmth.

Fullhead: I once thought your baldness was a weakness. Now I am not so sure. Tell me, bald man, how is it that I can’t see the vermin on your head despite your lack of hair to disguise it.

Bald man: I have no vermin on my head. The vermin actually lives in hair. And since I have no hair, I have no vermin.

Fullhead: This bald man speaks the truth. From this day forward, let it be written that every Egyptian must be as bald and vermin free as my friend here.

Bald man: You won’t be sorry.

What can a bald-centric society accomplish? Some twenty four centuries later the world still travels to Egypt to marvel at Ancient Egypt’s tribute to smooth baldness; the Pyramids. While everyone now claims the slaves of the time were responsible for building the pyramids, we have no way of knowing whether or not the slaves lived by the styles of the day. If so, we salute their accomplishment. If not, let’s face it, they didn’t design the thing. They just did the grunt work.

The Renaissance

For our purposes here, we’re talking about the years between 1500 or so and July 14, 1789. While it’s currently unpopular to give the French credit for anything, let’s not forget their heyday; the Renaissance. It was in the 16th century that one of our French brothers began wearing a wig. It slowly started catching on with the rest of our brothers, and by the 17th century God smiled down on society from above. He sent a bald king by the name of Louis XIII. Louis loved the wigs worn by our bald brothers, and when he began wearing one, it set the fashion. This fashion spread throughout the rest of Western Society as well. His son, Louis XIV (also known as the Sun King--perhaps the most famous King of the Millennium), had such a passion for wigs he had hundreds of them.

The Age of Reason

What was the result of this pro-wig society? Some of the greatest thinkers of the past millennium lived during this time.

For two hundred blissful years, the wig was not an object of derision; it was a necessity for a gentleman to be accepted by society. People were actually expected to wear wigs. For two hundred years, man was judged not by the hair on his head, but by what he said and did. Great thinkers who had been kept down by society for eighteen centuries were finally able to emerge and function as peers. With the wig for cover, these bald greats walked side by side with Fullheads in society. And the accomplishments of the era speak for themselves.

Great thinkers like Sir Isaac Newton, Goethe, and Voltaire would have been using their brain power to come up with something like “At least I don’t spend all my money on brushes and combs” if they had lived just one hundred years earlier. Without the wig, and the enlightened thought that was allowed to flourish because of it, western culture would still be wasting its time on Crusades in the Middle East.

Toupee or not Toupee

While we mourn the loss of Renaissance society’s pre-occupation with the wig, it should be noted that two brave bald souls achieved greatness during that era without the benefit of a wig. That makes their accomplishments even more astounding. They should be the model for modern day bald man. Their names? William Shakespeare and Leonardo Da Vinci.

Da Vinci was a scientist, an artist, an astrologer, an inventor, and a guy who presumably came up with some sort of code that people are still reading about in the thriller section of the bookstore. Shakespeare also has a place in the bookstore of today. He still sells a copy or two of his big plays, and there are more than a few references to our people in his work. Let’s not forget that one of his most famous plays was called “Much Ado about Nothing,” and if that isn’t an homage to baldness, what is? The following quotes are further examples…

“What’s gone, and what’s past help, should be past grief.”
--The Winter’s Tale

“So what if I’m bald, what are thou going to do about it, bitch?”
--Confrontation with best friend Richard Burbage outside Globe Theatre, January 17, 1591

Our Founding Fathers

“Three things are men most likely to be cheated in, a horse, a wig, and a wife”.
--Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanac

We hear it so often it’s really become a cliché, but the United States of America is considered the greatest country in the world. Our system of government is admired everywhere and helped turn the Western World into the champion of democracy. Is it a coincidence that many, if not all, of our Founding Fathers wore wigs? Have we been able to write a groundbreaking document since the wig went out of style? Let’s see, there was the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and the Bill of Rights. Since that time the only great additions to those documents were no-brainers: ending slavery and letting women vote. The other attempts haven’t exactly been glorious have they? Prohibition? Limiting the president to two terms? C’mon.

Among the great wig-wearers who helped create this country were George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. One is merely known as “The Father of our Country” and the other has been called the “Renaissance Man” of the Founding Fathers; a fountain of knowledge and wit, and the face on the $100 bill.

The Beginning of the End

We mark the end of The Age of Reason with the beginning of the French Revolution. The date: July 14, 1789. When those French peasants rushed the Bastille, our people were forever thrown back into darkness. On that day, the wig became a symbol of the wealthy aristocracy. It was “the man” of it’s time, and nobody likes “the man.”

Still, the wig would have quietly retreated to the pages of history, if not for our bald brothers of the time. Most of the aristocracy gave up their wigs and tried to blend in with the new Fullhead society. If all of them had done it, they may have averted a tragedy. However, our bald brothers within the French aristocracy were unwilling to give up their wigs. Faced with the choice of uncovering their baldness or being executed, they chose execution. By the end of the French Revolution not a single one had survived, and the French have contributed nothing to society since.

The Third Bald Era

The reason why our French brothers reacted the way they did was that they instinctively realized that the good times were over—and probably over forever. So far, that has proven to be true. However, there is no time like the present.

If only our bald brothers around the world would stop wasting their time in the first four stages of grieving, we could band together and use our superior intellect and numbers to create a world where our people could roam free.

Next month, in our final installment, we'll show you the way.

2007-10-31T00:05:00.000-05:00

BAD LUCK
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Dave has twin 2-year old daughters and a five year old daughter. His wife travels quite a bit for work, so he actually watches them most of the time. During the rare moments when he gets to run errands on days his wife is at home, he has run into an incredible streak of bad luck. The simplest errands turn into lengthy debacles.

1. Picking up the Pizza: One hour
Yes, it's silly to pay for delivery when you live that close to the pizza place. No, he didn't get flipped off by old ladies because he was driving sooooooo slow. He just had bad luck.

2. Grocery Shopping: Two hours
Yes, the grocery store is only a few miles away. No, he didn't listen to the traffic report to see what was the most horrible route, take that route, and then read the labels of every can of beans in the store after he got there. He just had bad luck.

3. Doctor's Appointment: Three hours
Yes, the doctor's office was crowded, and you just never know how long it will take sometimes. No, he didn't sit in the waiting room for hours after his appointment ended reading any pamphlet he could get his hands on, including one about yeast infections and another about spider veins. He just had bad luck.

4. Driver's License Renewal: Four hours
Yes, the DMV is a nightmare, and this is by no means a record. No, he didn't get it renewed at lunchtime at the busiest location two years before it needed to be renewed. He just had bad luck.

5. Trip to Post Office: Five hours
Yes, the week before Christmas is a crazy time at the Post Office. No, he didn't go stand in the line with everyone sending packages to buy one stamp. He just had bad luck.

If you didn't know Dave better, you'd think he was intentionally picking errands that take a long time, and then making them take even longer just so he could get out of the house.

Not Dave.

On the other hand, if you get a flat tire on a day he happens to be out running one of these errands, you can count on that good Samaritan stopping his car to help you change that tire.

That's just the kind of guy he is.

2007-10-24T00:03:00.000-05:00

HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS FOR GROWN-UPS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

It's time once again for our annual Halloween costume tips. Here are ten simple, inexpensive costume ideas for grown ups ripped out of this year's headlines.

1. Senator Larry Craig
Simple costume. Bald wig, business suit, toilet paper stuck to shoe. When sitting, using a really, really, wide stance.
Sample party comment: "I loooove this mauve couch, er, uh, I mean, how 'bout them Bears?"

2. Lisa Nowak
Wear a flight suit/jump suit, a NASA baseball hat, and groan inappropriately.
Sample party comment: "Oh, is there a line waiting to get in the bathroom? Hadn't noticed."

3. Mark Prior
All that's necessary is a #22 Cubs jersey, a Cubs hat, and a sling for your arm.
Sample party comment: "I would have had this at my house, but my doctor told me not to 'throw' a party at all this off-season."

4. George Bush 2005-2007
Write the numbers 2005-2007 on the forehead of your George Bush mask, then tape a picture of Alberto Gonzales on the back of your pants so it "covers your ass."
Sample party comment: "Mind if I conduct a little unlawful 'surveillance' on that hot blonde over there?"

5. Keith Richards
Wear a bandana on your head, hold a cigarette in one hand, and carry an urn under your arm.
Sample party comment: "Who wants a hit of my dad?"

6. Michael Vick
This costume will never be cheaper than it is right now. His jerseys are going for about $10 on eBay.
Sample party comment: "I'll make the hot dogs! What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?"

7. Rudy Guiliani
Wear a bald wig and a business suit, hunch your back, and plan your arrival time down to the minute.
Sample party comment: "Sorry we're so late...is it already 9:11?"

8. OJ Simpson
Did you really think you wouldn't be able to use that black knit cap and black gloves costume again?
Sample party comment: "Who wants to help me get my pretzels back from that lady's plate over there?"

9. Ann Coulter
A long blonde wig, a short black skirt, and a gigantic chip on your shoulder is all that’s needed to pull off this costume.
Sample party comment: "No thank you. I won't eat from the deli tray until it converts."

And of course, this one from last year's list will work for at least two more Halloweens...

10. President Bush's War Strategy
Wear a "NO EXIT" sign around your neck and never leave.
Sample party comment: "Nice try, but turning out the lights is not going to work. I'm not going anywhere."

2007-10-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

ADDING YEARS TO YOUR LIFE
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

This year both of us turned 44, and quite frankly, we’re getting a little worried. Let’s just say that neither of us are exactly in the greatest shape, and both of our fathers died young. We’re peeling off years at an alarming rate and we need to do something about it…and fast!

There are two possible solutions.

1) Exercise, eat right and do yoga.
2) The Rick and Dave solution.

The pundits will have you believe that the first choice is the most prudent option. Try it if you like, but at best, you'll add five, six, maybe eight years to your life. Big deal. That's maybe one Cubs playoff appearance, if you're lucky.

That's not the Rick and Dave way. We’re overachievers. We need more. With the Rick and Dave solution, you can add decades or more to your life.

How do we do it? We lie to ourselves.

Self-deception is not a half-hearted pastime. Simply saying: “Age is only a state of mind” or “Look at John Glenn! He went up in space in his seventies” is not going to cut it. The novice self-fibber's house of cards will come tumbling down the first time he pulls a neck muscle changing lanes. (Shut up. We've done it.)

No, self deception is an art. When you're a pro (like we are), you know you won't actually live longer, no matter how many times you say it. Words alone are ineffective. However, words that make it seem like you're living longer can bring you immortality.

With our help, a few well placed words can turn any situation into an excruciating how-long-have-I-been-here moment. As you continue to experience excruciating moment after excruciating moment, you will slowly but surely add years to your life. Before you know it, it won't even matter how old you are anymore, because it will seem like you've been alive since the beginning of time.

Try it yourself with a few examples for beginners.

1) "Let me take (Child A) to the pre-school birthday party!"
You don't have say another word. Father Time will take care of the rest. Don’t worry if the first few minutes of the party go by quickly--the kids are cute for about five minutes or so. After that, time starts to crawl. The more screaming kids, the better. The more fights, the slower the earth rotates. By the time the party is over, you will already have lived longer than your father.

2)"Honey, tell me more about your job."
Then get specific. Ask about paperwork: "What sort of information do they ask for in the requisition forms these days?" Or, ask about specific petty co-worker squabbles: "So, what's the status of Ralph's stapler. Any sign of it yet? I bet if you open Doris' desk..." Better yet, offer advice on how to deal with issues at work: "You know how I would reorganize your department if I were you?" Any of those office discussions will actually make the clock start moving backwards. Remember, God could have created three universes in the time it takes a typical husband to explain a new office voice-mail system.

3)"I sent back the RSVP for the wedding!"
Oh, not just any weddings. Family weddings don't count. Weddings of close friends don't count either. Any other wedding, however, will do. It’s a little known fact that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel between the salad and the entrée at his mother's best friend's daughter's wedding.

4) "So, you're an 80+ year-old die-hard Republican, huh?"
This one is almost too easy. Just bring up any liberal argument about any subject, with this simple opener..."You know what those people say?" That phrase lets a Republican know you're on his or her side. It's code for "You may speak freely on this subject." Buckle up before you do it though. That angry bronco bucks. If you want to add a decade to your life, try this one: "I have never seen such hatred in my lifetime like the hatred these people have for the President." Don't allow yourself to get distracted by the veins popping out of his neck or the throbbing temples of his "I hate their hate" hate. Listen to every word and nod. Then bring up illegal immigrants and welfare mothers living at the Ritz. If you really, really, want time to stop, bring up Bill Clinton. (But not without a paramedic standing by!)

5) "Let's get to your office Christmas party early this year, honey."
Again, time might go quickly initially because of the open bar, but it’s not going to last. After your third drink, your spouse will tell you to slow down before you do something embarrassing. Once the drinks stop flowing, and you have to actually engage in conversations without lubricated assistance, you'll be knocking on the door of the space-time continuum. After the third reference to "Ralph's stapler" and/or the third discussion of the weather with Ralph's wife, time will actually stop moving altogether. Many experts believe that Methuselah didn’t live all that long, he just sat through his wife's wacky holiday slide show a couple of times.

6) "Put little 3-year-old (Child A) on the phone, would you?"
That little three-year-old voice is so cute...for one second. Then, you're liable to get a play-by-play of the paint drying. "And um...my shirt is green...and um...squirrel!..." Don't set the phone down on your end either. That's cheating. You must simply endure. Every time you feel yourself about to say "Can you put mommy on the phone, honey," ask another question about the child's wardrobe or better yet, Dora the Explorer.

There you have it.

You probably never thought that reading this column would actually help you live longer.

On the other hand, if you’re a frequent reader of Half Empty, maybe that's why you're reading it in the first place.

2007-10-10T00:01:00.000-05:00

CUBS YIN AND YANG
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

It's one thing to say that somebody hates the Cubs. It's another thing to get him to write down his thoughts during the game to expose hate for what it really is.

That's why (Cubs fan) Rick asked (White Sox fan) Dave to sit down with notebook in hand, and without couching his thoughts to make himself look better, write down what he was really thinking during the Cubs playoff games this year.

Dave's Notes: Game 1

*Before the first pitch we already see some frat boy Cub fan waving on a cell phone. “Hey, Thumb look at me I’m on TV”

*First pitch Soriano sees he grounds out to third. Nice leadoff discipline which will be on display for the next 7 years.

*Ex Sox factor, Chris Young. If he helps beat the Cubs, Kenny Williams pulled off another great trade.

*Right before the start of the second inning, TBS advertised their Spanish language broadcast feature. The graphic “SAP” was displayed right under an image of a group of yahoo Cub fans. Coincidence? Doubt it.

*Obligatory John Cusack reference came in the form of an ad for his new movie, 1408. Hmmm, 1908 sounds a lot like 1408, doesn’t it?

*Another ad showed a Japanese kid with a Cub hat playing ball in Tokyo. He and his buddies run away after breaking a window. You thought Sox fans were hooligans.

*Bottom 3, another Cub jersey wearing fan, waving with a cell phone behind the plate. Hey Boomer, I paid $2,000 to see a Cubs loss, look at me.

*Error by Diamondback 3rd baseman almost made me go to bed. I stayed up, hoping that Z would get beaned. Man on second, no outs, he does what every good player does, hits to the left side of the infield.

*Went to bed, cautiously optimistic. No Ambien needed.

*Next morning, ran, got the paper, and got weepy.

*Today was Cub colors day at (5-year-old) Lyla’s school. Students were invited to wear Cubby blue in lieu of their uniforms. I made a point of asking a couple of kids if the Cubs won last night. My feigned disappointment was in top form.

Rick Responds:

Does the hate come through for you? To me, the best example of Dave's Cub-hate is asking the kids at the school who won the game. Can you imagine getting a kick out of seeing a little kid's disappointment? That's real hate.

As for the rest of his comments, I can't argue with Dave about the cell-phone yahoo. Hey, dingleberry, you're making us all look bad. As for the game itself, I'm amazingly at ease about this loss. We weren't expected to win Game 1. It was a home game for Arizona, and they had the Cy Young winner pitching for them. We'll get 'em tomorrow.

Dave's Notes: Game 2

*Former White Sox player Chris Young breaks the Cubs hearts with a three run homer. Love you, Kenny Williams. Love you. Oh, and Ted Lilly, holding your breath until you turn (cubbie) blue will not bring back that fastball down the middle. Nice temper tantrum. My five year old has better control.

*Went to bed in the second inning, completely confident.

*Lyla didn't want to go to school today because it was another "Cubbie Blue" day, and I wouldn't let her wear "cubbie blue." My wife is pissed at me.

Rick responds: I don't think I even need to comment here, do I? As for the Cubs, it's OK, boys. We lost two there, but we're coming home to Wrigley, and this series is far from over. I'll be going to game 3.

Dave's Notes: Game 3

*Turn on game a few seconds late, is that misprint?

*Shot of sorority girl with Greek Letters on her chest, right in front of a guy with a “Billy Goat” shirt. You can’t write this stuff.

*Thought, “Do the Cubs actually own their championship bunting, or do they rent them from Reinsdorf?" OK, that might be a stretch.

*Crowd sounding like a White Sox game in mid April

*They’re not boooing they’re Alphonsooooooing

*Ford Commercial featuring shot from White Sox World Series. That’s got to hurt.

*They’re not boooing they’re Leeooooooooing.

*Top of 6 first shot of disappointed Cub fan with his little son. First of many. Sweet, sweet music.

*Stockton, possibly the worse announcer ever, says the crowd is stunned. It’s been 100 years. How stunned could they be?

*Kendall looks like Abraham Lincoln with his new beard. Four score and seven years ago we sucked then too.

*Ad with Soriano for “Under Armour”. He’s negotiating with a company called “Over Rated”.

*They’re not booing, they’re Ramirezooooooing

*Turn on radio for last innings to hear Santo’s heartbreak.

*They’re not booooing they’re Woooooooooding

*Fun stat, I have as many testicles as Ramirez and Soriano have hits combined.

*Flip to Fox and wait for (my good friend and die-hard Cubs fan) Fox 32 reporter Dane Placko. I can't wait to see him crestfallen.

Rick responds: One thing Dave left out of his notes was his taunting phone call to my cellphone (which I did not answer). Oh, and that picture at the beginning of this segment--that was waiting for me in my e-mail box the next morning.

I must admit, however, that I was one of those booing Cubs fans out there Saturday night.

It was in the sixth inning when the Cubs had the bases loaded, and Mark DeRosa was up to bat. I've been to Wrigley hundreds of times, but I've never heard the place so loud before. As fans, we were doing everything we could to help our guys get that one big hit. When DeRosa hit into a double play instead, I lost it. It was 44 years of pent up disappointment. I know it sounds pathetic. I know that anyone who isn't a Cubs fan thinks I'm a moron for rooting for this team that never wins.

It's not one of those decisions you can make with your head. My head has been telling me for years what an idiot I am. My head knows. It's my damn heart...it's just so, I don't know...it's weak. It has that soft spot for her. After every horrible disappointment like this, I round up my Cubs stuff, and drive over to her apartment to break up with her.

As I'm handing back her old programs, and ticket stubs, and merchandise, and really, let's face it, forty four years of memories, she'll give me that look. You know that look. Those puppy dog eyes. That "but if you don't love me, who will?" look. Then she'll flash me a little ivy, and lean in and give me a goodbye kiss. And I'll smell that stale Old Style, and I'll say, "OK, maybe just one more time. But if you disappoint me again, it's all over. I'm serious this time."

"Yes, Rick, I know. I'll try harder. I swear," she'll say. It will sound so convincing, too.

And then when I'm driving home, I'll inevitably get a call from Dave, and I'll be stunned anew--his hate is so venomous and so vitriolic--it's borderline racist. And I'll wonder, how can anyone hate someone so down on their luck; someone who is so pathetic? What kind of a person has no pity at all? Ninety nine years of misfortune isn't enough for Dave and people like him.

And I'll think about it. What choice do I have? Do I become one of them?

Not possible.

I couldn't afford the water bill. At least I don't have to take an extra shower every day, scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing the hate, wondering why it just won't come off. It's because it's under the skin, Dave. It deep in that dark black heart of yours.

Any closing thoughts?

Dave's closing thoughts

Cub fans should not lose sight of the positives:

*Cub fans threw back a remarkable 96.78% of the opponent's home runs this year. That's a great year. The few that weren't thrown back were probably caught by fans busy hurling racial insults at your outfielders.

*Cub management channeled a record number of tickets to their own ticket broker for secondary market sales. Money means championships, people!

*Mark Prior has made some real progress at...um...er....where ever he is.

*I can't remember a better crop of 7th inning stretch singers, ever! Remember that one CEO guy? How about a couple of those Chicago actors that came back. This is in addition to seeing John Cusack in the stands a couple of times.

*Milt Pappas still hasn't forgiven the ump that made the right call 30 years ago. You can't teach that kind of petty hate.

*White Sox World Series Champs 2005

*Oh and one more thing...

2007-10-03T00:03:00.000-05:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DEPRESSION, Part 2
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we conclude the toughest stage of all--Depression.

Words of Comfort

While mired in depression, comfort is an elusive lady indeed. Luckily for us, many of the greatest poets of all-time were our people. From William Shakespeare to Rudyard Kipling to E.E. Cummings to Ogden Nash to James Taylor, our people have been waxing poetic. While none of these greats ever used their enormous talent to write poems or meditations to calm others suffering “the loss,” they each had definite styles and approaches to poetry that have stood the test of time.

We would be remiss if we didn’t extend a special thank you to their descendants Chuck, Wayne, F.F., Splash, and Jamie, for writing the pieces in this chapter.* They obviously have the same gift as their famous bald descendants, and have written these poems “in the style of” those great men. We hope you carry these poems with you in your heart, and may they push you more quickly to the Promised Land: Stage 5.

*These poets may be using pseudonyms and might not actually be related to the great poets in any way, even distantly.

William Shakespeare 1564-1616

While William Shakespeare is obviously best known as the greatest playwright in history, he was also a distinguished poet. He wrote Sonnets.

Sonnets are 14-line poems written in iambic pentameter. The rules for writing sonnets are very specific and rigid, and therefore writing a memorable sonnet is quite an accomplishment; probably the reason why Shakespeare was also considered one of the greatest poets of his time. We now present for you, a Shakespearean (Chuck Shakespeare) Sonnet about “The Loss.” May it inspire you, the way it has inspired us.

**We ran the 37 rules for a Sonnet by Chuck and he decided to disregard at least 35 of them. Please concentrate on substance over style.

“The Loss”
By Chuck Shakespeare

Thou were there to greet me in the morn as I lay,
Lamenting thine misshapen curls,
Twas a “Bed Head,” I heard my valet say,
Another of his colloquial pearls,
Then one day thine “bed head” stayed on the bed,
Even as the rest of me arose,
I shuttered in horror and wished I was dead,
An easy target for razor tongued foes,
With a quill in my hand and no hair on my head,
I penned plays that will never be topped,
Five centuries later I’m still widely read,
The floor with my foes I have mopped,
I suffered no loss on that bed-headless day,
I hope my bald brothers I have shown you the way.

Rudyard Kipling 1865-1936

Famous bald Nobel Prize-winning writer Rudyard Kipling was probably best known for his story “The Jungle Book.” He also wrote such great works of fiction as “Kim” and “Captain Courageous.” While he was probably better known for his novels and short stories, he was also a greatly respected poet. One of his poems “Gunga Din” is still recited some eighty years after his death. (Perhaps you’ve seen the film inspired by the poem starring Peter Lorre as well.)

Kipling loved to write about the places he saw on his travels; places like Africa and India. He wrote of safaris and hunting and foreign cultures. His descendant Wayne* has a similar love for these themes (although he is Australian and has never actually traveled to the places Rudyard Kipling wrote about) and incorporates them into his work as well. We’re sure that the words to his famous poem “Gunga Skin” will help you as you toil in Stage 4 depression.

*Rudyard Kipling and Wayne share not only a last name and a bald head; they spoke with a British-sort-of-accent. That’s good enough for us to declare them related.

“Gunga Skin”
By Wayne Kipling

You always talk of your greasy hair,
It’s oily, it’s itchy, sticks out everywhere,
On Safari there is no shampoo
Under your hat it is sweaty,
So you’re never ready,
To shoot at the damn kangaroo
But my rifle is cocked,
Though my bald head is mocked,
This kangaroo hunt I do win,
Without a hair thatch,
My shooting’s unmatched,
And they call me… Gunga Skin.

E.E. Cummings 1894-1962

Famous bald poet E.E. Cummings was probably the second most popular American poet of the 20th century. He was known for his bold approach to poetry; shunning rules and conventions. He wasn’t bothered with rhymes or punctuation or syntax; a poetic rebel, an intellectual giant.

His ancestor F.F. Cummings has the same approach to poetry. Unlike his forefather, F.F. doesn’t cover a broad variety of subjects, but the one subject he attacks is the one subject that can help you the most as you struggle with Stage 4. F.F. is a champion of the bald man. Enjoy this work written especially for us.

“follicles”
by
f.f. cummings

follicles needy, my petulant child, gimme gimme gimme
Gimme nutrients, gimme soap, gimme nutrients, gimme soap, gimme life then gimme freedom
take your freedom, take it down the drain, tangle yourself there.
a plumber charges seventy five dollars an hour, liquid plumber is cheap
and I pour it on you, eating you up, sending you down in the sewer
now you tangle on rats as you swim to the sea and you tangle on dung and you reek
you have freedom, enjoy your new life, my new head doesn’t miss you, my petulant child
no more gimme no more gimme no more gimme. I breathe now.
and you rot in the sewer.

Ogden Nash 1902-1974

Famous bald poet Ogden Nash was a regular contributor the New Yorker, to Saturday Evening Post, and many literary publications of the 20th century. He wrote humorous and thought provoking poems for both adults and children. Often these poems were quite short and to the point. Among his more famous poems…
“Candy, is dandy, but liquor, is quicker.”

Nash died in 1974, but his tradition lives on with his relative* Splash. Splash Nash is a raconteur, a man about town, a gadfly. Strangers invite him to dine with them because of his witty repartee. And yes, like his relative Ogden, Splash is a bald man. We asked him to give us one of his latest poems.

*Splash wouldn’t provide us with any sort of documentation to prove he is related to Nash, but he shares a non-haircut and last name with the famous poet, and that’s good enough for us.

“Bald”
by Splash Nash

Bald,
I’ve been called,
But they can stare,
At my lack of hair,
Cause I’m a millionaire,
So I don’t care

James Taylor (still living)

Though famous bald man James Taylor is known more as a folk singer than a poet, it’s hard to dispute the beauty of his lyrics. His words reach deep into our hearts and tickle the ventricles of our love. Some of his earlier work (while still a fullhead) may not stand the test of time but his more recent work is pure genius.

His very close relative Jamie Taylor* is a chip of the old block. Jamie has a similar lyric writing style, and touches similar veins near our hearts. This little ditty is perfect for the Stage 4 sufferer and Taylor was gracious enough to allow us to reprint his lyrics.

*How close of a relative is he? “Jamie” is relatively close to “James” (only the last two letters are different) and it’s all relative anyway, wouldn’t you say?

“Bye and Auf Wiedersehen”
by Jamie Taylor

Just yesterday morning, I saw all of you were gone,
Now you are nothing more than a memory,
We’re done with our warring, so I wrote you this song,
My way of taunting you like you taunted me.
Bye hair, and Auf Wiedersehen,
Bye-bye clumps of you falling in my Quiche Lorraine,
Bye-bye swirling you until I get profane,
And I’m happy I won’t see you again.

Go to the white light

With the help of brothers like Chuck Shakespeare, Wayne Kipling, F.F. Cummings, Splash Nash, and Jamie Taylor, you’ll begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That light represents the end of your suffering and the beginning of your new life as a secure bald man. Go to the light. Go to it. Get ready to breathe fresh air for the first time in twenty years.

You are ready to step foot in the Promised Land. Next month that's exactly where we'll go.

2007-09-26T11:10:00.001-05:00

CUBS ANSWER MEN, Part 4
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

The last two months we've been answering some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we've gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.

"L" writes: I'm starting to get a little worried. What if God doesn't want the Cubs to win. What kind of wrath or vengeance should we expect?

R&D: Nothing happened when the Red Sox won it in 2004...except for another Bush presidency. And nothing happened during 2005 when the White Sox won it..except for that one tiny little hurricane that devastated an entire American city. We have absolutely nothing to worry about.

"F" writes: When the Cubs go to the World Series will Illinois Governor/Cubs Fan Blagojevic throw out the first pitch, or will it be Chicago Mayor/Sox fan Richard Daley?

R&D: Neither one of them will risk becoming such an easy target for grand jury subpoenas.

"D" writes: I'm a little worried that this Cubs team isn't as tough as the last Cubs championship team. What are your thoughts?

R&D: Both teams are plenty tough...they even fought against each other. This year the Cubs had two players who fought in the clubhouse. Michael Barrett ended up with a black eye, and was traded away. The 1908 Cubs fought in the clubhouse too. In a fit of anger, Heinie Zimmerman threw a bottle of ammonia at his teammate Jimmy Sheckard, which almost blinded him. The rest of the team turned on Zimmerman, and led by manager Frank Chance, beat the living crap out of him. He was injured so badly he was out for a month, but he remained a Cub for another four years. You make the call. Who was tougher?

"T" writes: My neighbor is one of those cynical Cubs fans. He thinks they are going to blow it again this year. Please reassure him and tell him that we have nothing to worry about it.

R&D: Don't worry. Being a Cub means achieving the impossible. After all, Cubs great Hack Wilson became an alcoholic during Prohibition.

"B" writes: Why does everyone consider the Cubs a pathetic franchise? Shouldn't they get credit for being in the World Series 10 times (1906, 1907, 1908, 1910, 1918, 1929, 1932, 1935, 1938, 1945)?

R&D: So true. Although, let's be honest, they only won two of those ten series. And...two more of them were during war years (1918, 1945). In 1918, the season ended on September 1st, which means the Cubs didn't get a chance to blow it in their most unsuccessful month. In 1945, the only guys playing in MLB were the guys who couldn't serve in the military--and the military was taking almost everyone. Also, in two other World Series appearances the Cubs were swept in 4 games (1932 and 1938) by the Yankees. But, your point is well taken. 10 times in 39 years is pretty impressive. If only the world had ended in 1945.

"L" writes: Don't you think the Tribune company should buy a round of drinks for everyone at the ballpark when the Cubs clinch it? It's the least they can do for us after the miserable excuse for baseball teams they've put on the field most of the years they've owned it.

R&D: Great idea. At $6 a pop for a Bud Light, that comes out to a measly $240,000. That's less than they spent for Will Ohman.

2007-09-19T00:07:00.000-05:00

HOW TO MAKE A GERMAN LAUGH
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Because we we were both raised by German immigrants, during Oktoberfest season we're often asked to help explain our German comrades. The most common question we hear is this: How do you make a German laugh?

We’ve never had a good answer for that. We’ve always known what doesn’t work. Sarcasm and irony, for instance, are both completely out of the question. After all, psychologists have even stopped using ink blots with Germans because they always identified the pictures as…”inkblots.”

Germans are efficient, punctual and practical, but let’s face it; they aren’t funny.

After 40 plus years of trying, we finally had an epiphany. What if we used one of the words that best describes Germans (practical), and applied that to our attempts at humor?

Germans must love practical jokes, right?

That’s why we have developed a series of German practical jokes that can be fun for you and your whole German family. Feel free to use any of these, but we urge you—please have a paramedic standing by, just in case.

1) Tell your mother that you’re leaving your good job to pursue a career in the theater. When she asks about your health insurance coverage, simply reply that you, your wife and 3 kids feel great so “what could possibly happen”?

2) Start writing mushy cards to your uncles. Better yet, tell them in person and touch them as much as possible.

3) Volunteer to mow your father’s lawn, and then mow it counter-clockwise.

4) Sneak in your Aunt’s house and rearrange her Hummel collection. Put the little boy fishing where the little milk jug girl should be.

5) Take your grandmother shopping and purposely go through the 10 items or less aisle with 11 items. Tell the clerk that it was your grandmother’s idea.

6) Take your grandfather to a soccer game, and then don’t sit in your assigned seats. Say “follow my lead if the people who really have these seats ever show up.”

7) When the food gets passed around, serve yourself only vegetables. When someone asks why say, “I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.”

Try these out at your German house and report back to us. You may not get any laughs out of your victims, but if you don’t find their reactions hilarious, you might be a little too German yourself.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

2007-09-11T21:54:00.001-05:00

HOW DO YOU MEASURE GREATNESS?
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

How do you measure greatness?

It seems like such a subjective thing, but we have formulated a foolproof fact-based accounting method that can take the guesswork out of the equation.

According to our calculations, today (September 12, 2007) we will both officially surpass the talented actor/comedian John Candy.

That’s no small feat, but we’ve been surpassing some of the all-time greats over the last few decades, so we’ve really gotten used to it.

In 1981, we surpassed King Tut.

In 1987, we put James Dean in our rear-view mirror.

In the 1990s, we dusted guitarist Jimi Hendrix (’90), composer Stephen Foster (’94), actor John Belushi (’96), and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (’98).

We really got serious about moving beyond the all-time greats at the turn of the century.

According to our calculations, we have bested Lou Gehrig (2001), King Louis XVI of France (2002), Martin Luther King Jr. (2003), John Lennon (2004), and last year we even moved past the King of Rock and Roll Elvis Presley.

Some would have been content to stop there, but the great ones are never satisfied.

Next year, God willing, authors F. Scott Fitzgerald and Robert Louis Stevenson will have to admit that they are no Rick and Dave. The statistics don’t lie.

The following year Walter Payton will have to do the same. Before this decade ends, John F. Kennedy and Alexander Hamilton will also wish they were us.

Sorry to gloat. But it’s all we have.*

*Statistics are measured by number of years surviving on Planet Earth. Today, September 12, 2007, Dave turns 44, joining Rick in the “older than John Candy ever got” club.

2007-09-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 4 DEPRESSION (Part 1)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the toughest stage of all--Depression.

Historical Depression

When we meet our balding brothers struggling through the depths of Stage 4, the question they most often ask us is this: How long will this last?

We wish we had an easy “one size fits all” answer to that question, but it has varied throughout history. It could take you quite awhile to come to grips with your loss. On the other hand, something out of your control could happen to society to speed up the process significantly. That’s the silver lining. Root for a repeat of one of the following periods in history, and you could be cruising into Stage 5 before you know it.

The Bubonic Plague

Our people suffered greatly during the Dark Ages. Demons were often thought to be the cause of hair loss, and the moron fullheads dealt with those demons with classic fullhead cruelty. That is, until the Plague hit Europe in the 6th century. Those were the days. The fullheads were simply too preoccupied with dying and burying their dead to persecute us during the reign of death known as “The Bubonic Plague.”

Bald men walked side by side with fullhead men carrying the dead bodies out of their homes and throwing them into the pauper’s graves. Sure our people also died occasionally, but they didn’t suffer through Stage 4. They skipped right from Stage 3 to Stage 5. It’s sad to think that it took the worst health crisis in history to get them off our backs but we’ll take what we can get. Mentally, we have never been stronger.

We should also note that the Plague made a triumphant comeback in the 14th century and again in the 17th century. We’re about due for another outbreak, and if we get one, your stay in Stage 4 will be short indeed.

The Irish Potato Famine

In the years 1845-1850 the potato crop failed in Ireland, causing widespread famine and death. Over a million people died of hunger and diseases like typhus and cholera; entire villages were wiped out. Millions more emigrated to the United States and Britain, and many of them died on the voyage.

While it was admittedly a very bad time for Ireland, not a single bald Irishman had to spend a single day wallowing in Stage 4.

Lucky bastards.

The Influenza Pandemic

While the Plague really only affected Europe and the Potato Famine really only affected Ireland, the Influenza Pandemic of 1918-1919 was worldwide. It actually started in the United States (Kansas) and spread like wildfire. Soldiers were returning home all over the world from World War I and they brought influenza home with them. In one year over 25 million people died from the flu. Coming on the heels of nine million men dying on the battlefield during the War, this pandemic was so devastating that the entire world sunk into a deep depression.

But not one single bald man suffered through Stage 4.

Think of that next time there’s uproar over a flu vaccine shortage.

The Great Depression

The stock market crashed in 1929, and America didn’t really recover economically until we entered the war in 1941. With typical fullhead hubris, this time in our nation’s history has been identified as the Great Depression. Sure there was widespread poverty. Yes, people stood in bread lines, and pinched pennies just to survive.

But the bald man did not suffer through the Great Depression. Everyone was too depressed to make fun of us. In an ironic twist, the time period that shares a name with the name of Stage 4, was a great time for our people.

Curses Foiled Again

“I guess the old saying, “Be careful for what you wish for” is true. I never could imagine that the fulfillment of my dreams could leave me so empty.”
--Alan P.

Up until recently, there were a fairly large number of well-adjusted bald men that resided in the northeastern part of the United States. Rarely thinking about their hair loss, this group spent most of their days preoccupied with other sorrows. In fact, anyone coming in contact with these people was instantly inundated with unbelievable tales of their pain and suffering. Ironically, male pattern baldness was never mentioned. Often overbearing and annoying, these men seemed to derive their identity from their non-hair related angst. The lives of these men seemed to completely revolve around their heartache. Their grief was so profound that they couldn’t stop talking about it. They would rehash the same tales of woes over and over again. However, like all good tragedies theirs came to an abrupt end in the fall of 2004. Reality would hit these people square in the jaw and as usual it would be at the hands of a Fullhead.

In November, 2002 Theo Epstein became the General Manager for The Boston Red Sox. That was the beginning of the end for our northeastern brothers. In two short years, Epstein would put together a team that would win the 2004 World Series. With that championship our bald brothers instantly stopped their constant bitching, whining and complaining about the Red Sox. Our researchers have discovered that before 2004 the average bald Red Sox Fan would spend 94% of their waking hours obsessed with “The Curse.” Now, sadly, 100% of their time is spent thinking about their real curse.

Hope for tomorrow

It’s easy to get wistful for those good old days when you read this chapter during your Stage 4 suffering. Why do you have to live in such a prosperous country during such a prosperous time? It’s just not fair! Well, there’s some good news for you.

Over the past two decades virtually all of the industry and manufacturing in this country has moved overseas. In the past ten years most of the customer service industry has also moved overseas. America really only produces one thing right now: money. The current federal budget deficit is so astounding that many foreign countries that have been keeping the dollar artificially afloat are beginning to abandon it. And when the rest of the world stops supporting the dollar, our economy could collapse.

That’s right; the country that consumes about 25% of all the world’s goods could be headed for another very dark economic time. If that happens, the entire world’s economy could come crashing down.

It may not happen, but keep your hopes up.

If it does, you’ll be out of Stage 4 in a heartbeat.

2007-08-29T00:03:00.000-05:00

WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

It's big news in Chicago that Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs smashed up his $350,000 Lamborghini, and fled the scene of the accident. News reports have been speculating why he left the car there, but we have a deeper question.

What kind of a man spends $350,000 on a car?

Let's just say that without even meeting him in the locker room after a shower, we can tell you a "little" bit about him, and why he feels he needs to overcompensate.

But then again, we're gifted "car personality-ologists."

Of course, anybody can identify the personality of a Lamborghini driver. We can do so much more. Take a look at the different types of cars below and find the kind of car you drive. We’ve tried to isolate one or two things we already know about you when we see you stepping out of that car. We make no judgment on whether any of these things are good or bad.

ACURA—You have at least two words in your vocabulary that most typical American citizens no longer use in everyday conversation: “sharp” and “sporty.” I hope you don’t think I’m being “fresh.”

BMW—“Hey Charles, how did the Dow Jones do today?”

BUICK—You are sick and tired of people saying you’re not happy at mealtime unless you have meat and potatoes. You ate a Tuna Melt at Denny’s last month and nobody even noticed.

CADILLAC—It depends on the model and the neighborhood. Let’s say it’s a classic Cadillac Eldorado and you’re in the suburbs. Are you picking Myrtle up for Bingo this week or is she taking the bus?

CHEVROLET—The Chevy driver runs the gamut, from Camaro (“That pack of smokes in your t-shirt sleeve is covering your tattoo”) to Corvette (“Divorced? You’re kidding!”) to El Camino (“Out of my cold, dead hands”) to Cavalier (“Did someone here order the pepperoni and mushroom?”).

CHRYSLER—A PT Cruiser owner can complete this rhyme: “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the _________.”

DODGE—The Neon owner is the only person you know that still makes Yugo jokes. The Intrepid driver always pays the extra buck or two for the hot wax at the gas station car wash. The Viper owner can easily tick off the names of the planets because the entire solar system revolves around him.

FORD—Is that a fedora we see peeking over the steering wheel of the Crown Victoria or is it somehow driving itself? As for the Mustang owner, we know he is really into cars because he’s on a first-name basis with every mechanic in the area. The Taurus driver is definitely qualified to do our taxes.

HONDA—When I see a Civic driver, we hope we don’t know her because we didn’t get her a graduation gift. The Accord driver has 2.2 children, 3 bedrooms, and 2.5 baths, and if we had to guess at a name we would say “Bob.”

KIA—We couldn’t help admiring your faux Coach purse while we were watching Steel Magnolias. Did you get that at Marshall’s?

MAZDA—The same as the Honda driver, but slightly less interesting. The Miata driver, however, is named Stephanie or Kimberly. That’s just a fact.

MERCEDES—“Hi Hans, vant to vatch ze soccer game mit me? Oh sorry, you’re an American. Listen, I could use someone to represent me—I’m pretty sure this carpal tunnel syndrome is a workplace injury.”

MERCURY—The Grand Marquis driver is a person we can count on for the casserole at the next church potluck dinner, and the Sable driver is definitely not able to help us reset the blinking time on our VCR.

MITSUBISHI—If the Lancer, Gallant, Eclipse and Diamante drivers were movie actors, they would be listed as “Man #1,” “Woman #2,” “Man with Hot Dog,” and “Woman with Child” in the credits.

NISSAN—It’s called a Pathfinder, you paid the extra money for the GPS, and you still got lost. How did that happen exactly?

OLDSMOBILE—What happens when this one breaks down? You’ve gone from Cutlass to Delta 88 and back to Cutlass every four years since 1963, and now they pull the rug out from under you while you’re still only in your 70s. Don’t you hate progress?

PONTIAC—What’s the difference between a Chevy Camaro owner and a Pontiac Firebird owner? The Firebird owner keeps her smokes in her purse.

SATURN—You’re the kind of person who gladly eats a cold steak because it would be rude to send it back to the kitchen. And please. . .don’t tell us you got the manual transmission because you love driving.

TOYOTA—Let me guess what color your Camry is. Is it blue? I’m also guessing that if I ever invite you to a party, you’ll be the first one there. I admire your punctuality.

VOLVO—We understand. We're afraid of our wives, too.

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: What do Mr. Smarty Pants Car Personality-ologists drive? You’ve probably seen people like us on the road. The telltale signs are obvious: the dead look behind the eyes, the sourpuss face that naturally forms when the temples throb for hours a day, the unmistakable look of defeat.

That’s right. We both drive minivans. Does it really matter which kind?

2007-08-18T13:35:00.001-05:00

THE CUB ANSWER MEN RETURN (AGAIN)
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Now that the Cubs have actually been in first place during August, the Cubs answer men are getting flooded with questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.

"Q" writes: I know the first Model T was released one week before the last Cubs World Series championship. Did this have any effect on the attendance at the 1908 Series?

R & D: Nah. There wasn't any parking in the neighborhood then either.

"F" writes: "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" was written the year the Cubs last won the World Series. When we win it again this year, will it be replaced by a song from this year?

R & D: It has to be. After all, a growing number of children have peanut (and cracker-jack) allergies.

"C" writes: The Cubs were in the World Series during Prohibition (1929). What did they serve at the concession stands that year?

R & D: $6 O'Douls.

"D" writes: Do you think God has finally forgiven the Cubs for building Wrigley Field on the site of a Lutheran Seminary?

R & D: The most Lutheran country in the world is Germany. Let's compare and contrast the record of Germany over the last century to the record of the Cubs. Notice any similarities?

"W" writes: When the Cubs win the World Series and we all storm the field to celebrate, the cops aren't really going to arrest all 40,000 of us, are they?

R & D: No. They won't waste their time. Anyone who is rich enough to afford World Series tickets probably has their connected lawyer on speed-dial.

"L" writes: We'd like to honor this year's Cubs World Series Champions by celebrating at the location of their last championship; West Side Grounds. Can you tell us where to go?

R&D: Sure. You'll be right smack in the center of the UIC campus. If your celebration gets out of hand, and someone starts a fire, just tell the cops that it's a tribute to the UIC Flames.

"T" writes: I'm a little concerned that this year's World Series champion Cubs don't have a poem about their double play combination like Tinkers to Evers to Chance. Do we still have time for someone to write one before they win it all?

R&D: Your wish is our command. We call this: "Theriot to DeRosa to Lee"

These are the words that have set us free,
Theriot to DeRosa to Lee,
They have one gold glove between the three,
Theriot to DeRosa to Lee,
The first two are scrappy, the third hits some doubles,
When they bat one, two, three, opponents have trouble,
We cheer them and pray, the bullpen won't burst our bubble,
Theriot to DeRosa to Lee.

2007-08-15T00:03:00.000-05:00

MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIP
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko

Because tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of Elvis' death, we're re-running the piece about our recent trip to Memphis. We hope you enjoy it.

Let us set the stage.

Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.

Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.

Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…

*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to pose for this picture with Dane’s confiscated items.

*In the airport, Dave bought three bagels. When the total came to $8.10, Dave asked if they offered a financing plan.

*Our first meal in Memphis (lunch) was memorable. When the waitress brought Dave’s lunch, she slammed it on the table and snapped—“YOUR PLATE BURNED MY HAND!”

*Dane and Dave were eager to go to Mississippi, just a few minutes away from Memphis, although they had very different reasons.
=Dane wanted to cross Mississippi off his state list. He now has been to every state but Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon. Rick and Dave were just as impressed as you are.
=Dave, the same man that calls his mother every day and uses the parking brakes every single time he parks the car just like they taught him in Driver’s Ed, is actually a maniacal gambler, and knew that Mississippi has casinos.

*Rick and Dane walked around the casino looking at gamblers. Not one smile in the entire casino. Dave was one of the “happy” gamblers, sitting at the $5 blackjack table. Only the smallest bladder on the planet (or possibly an enlarged prostate) prevented him from remaining there to this day.

*While Rick attended his conference the following day, Dane & Dave went to Sun Studios and took the very cool tour there. That's Dane on the left standing in the exact spot Elvis recorded “That’s Alright Mama.” That's Dave on the right, proudly singing about getting the AAA discount even though his card had expired.

*Rick got home from the conference just in time to break up the fight between Dane and Dave. Dane wanted to go to the Cotton Museum. Dave said he would rather be poked in the eyes by Liza Minnelli.

*That night we explored Beale Street, the party center of Memphis. After an incredible BBQ dinner, we settled in at a blues bar. After one of Dave’s three trips to the bathroom, he claimed to have spotted Dennis Quaid. Rick and Dane would have been much more impressed by Randy Quaid.

*Next stop: Pat O’Briens. The Memphis version of the famous New Orleans nightspot is almost an exact duplicate of the original. A rock and roll cover band was playing Van Halen in the courtyard. Rick and Dave wandered out to listen. Dane yelled “This is too loud!” and went to the dueling piano bar to listen to the Billy Joel medley instead.

*After a night of drinking, we stopped in for a late night burger. After we ordered the burgers, Dane noticed they weren’t being made on a grill. They were being boiled in a vat of animal fat. Mmmm.

*The night came to end when Dave’s “throbbing headache” had to be relieved with a medication cocktail that included Tylenol and Ambien.

*The following morning, the three middle aged travelers went to Graceland, where we suddenly didn’t feel so old.

*Dave got a little cocky at Graceland. He tried to get the student discount with his University of Illinois student ID card from 1985. “1985 Dave” had a full head of hair. “2007 Dave” has a gray goatee, and a shiny polished dome. The cashier didn’t go for it. This is her reaction when we tried to take her picture.

*Rick was grumbling that there weren’t any new Graceland snow domes since his last visit, so he bought an Elvis/Nixon magnet instead. This is the geek by Elvis’ grave.

*Lunch at Corky’s was the best meal of the trip…an unbelievable BBQ pork meal. Dave went to the bathroom there twice. Dane told Dave that he would make a provision in his will donating his bladder to Dave.

*After lunch, Rick and Dave took a nap. Dane went to the Cotton Museum by himself. If you ever meet him, ask to see the video. He videotaped the experience on his cell-phone, but we couldn't figure out how to upload it here.

*Not wanting to go out drinking again, the boys settled on an excursion to Arkansas for their last night. It wasn’t until they arrived at the dog track that Dane & Rick realized why Dave was so excited about this…it was attached to a casino.

*If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas.

*Although...the bar was serving 20 ounce Michelob beers for 50 cents a piece. Rick had three dollars in his pocket and a song in his heart.

*Dane picked the winners of the first two dog races. After that, not so much. This is Dane tearing up his betting slips.

*Dave got in a poker game, and was one $250 pot away from losing everything. When he didn’t lose the hand, he got out, and didn’t return. Although, he did stop at the video poker machines on his way back from his second bathroom trip.

*The night ended when Rick got heartburn. He bought Pepto Bismol in the hotel gift shop…at the nicer hotel next door.

*The next morning when we checked out of the hotel, Dave asked the clerk to name the most famous person who ever stayed at their hotel. She said: “The tall guy from the TV show ‘Martin’ had his family reunion here.” Top that.

So, was our middle aged road trip fun? I know it might not sound like it, but we had a great time. Will we do it again? Probably.

Next time, though, Dave is getting a catheter.

2007-08-08T00:03:00.001-05:00

CUBS ANSWER MAN RETURNS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Last month we answered some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we've gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.

“A" writes: OK, I’m getting a little nervous here. There are way too many people who have heard me say that I would give my left nut for a Cubs World Series Championship. If they win it, do I have any legal recourse to protect my left nut?

R&D: No, sorry, you don’t. Don’t feel bad though. Not everybody has nuts. For instance, Almond Joy’s got nuts. Mounds don’t.

“J” writes: My grandfather came home from the big war too late to see the Cubs play in the World Series the last time they were there. I’d like to take him this year, but my question is this: Which possible rival has the most Japanese players? It would have extra special meaning for Gramps if we could beat the Japanese again while the Cubs are in the World Series.

R&D: Gramps is in luck. There are three contenders in the American League that have a few Japanese players. The Seattle Mariners are still in the thick of the American League West race and they have two Japanese players in their every day lineup—Ichiro and Kenji Johjima. The Yankees still aren’t out of it either, and they have Hideki Matsui and Kei Igawa. (Tell Gramps that Chien Mien Wang is from Taiwan ). But if he really wants to hit the mother lode, he should probably be rooting for the Red Sox. They have Dice K and Hideki Okajima—but they also have something that the other two teams don’t have: a real live Kraut-—Curt Schilling.

“F” writes: I’ve never been to a World Series at Wrigley Field. Do they have a dress code?

R&D: They certainly did the last time. Gentlemen were expected to wear nice trousers, a jacket, and a fedora. Ladies were expected to wear dresses, gloves, and hats. Goats were not welcome, regardless of what they wore.

"M" writes: My summer reading program for school includes "Tom Sawyer" and "Huckleberry Finn". How can I concentrate on Mark Twain when the Cubs are winning?

R&D: If it makes you feel any better, Mark Twain might have been a Cubs good luck charm. In his lifetime they were a powerhouse. In fact, during the last five years of his life they were in the World Series four times. (He died during the Cubs World Series season of 1910.) Their bad luck started shortly thereafter. They lost the series in 5 games to the A's, they broke up the double play combination of Tinkers to Evers to Chance, and the star pitcher on that Cubs team (King Cole), went to Africa after the series, contracted malaria and died.

"X" writes: I know Al Capone was a fixture in the stands during the 1929 World Series, and there have been other gangsters at the World Series during the 30s and 40s, but what are we going to do this year? It seems like all of our gangsters are tied up in that Mob Secrets trial. Who will be the enforcers if the other side gets out of hand?

R&D: Not to worry. We've got those 80-year-old ushers making sure nobody sits in the good seats. Everything should be fine.

"G" writes: Do you think that we can convince any of the Cubs players to call a home run shot in the World Series, so we can finally stop talking about Babe Ruth's called shot?

R&D: Absolutely. However, let's make sure it isn't Kerry Wood. He'll probably throw his arm out pointing.

"L" writes: I've got Zambrano pitching in Game 1 of the World Series, followed by Lilly, but I can't decide who should pitch Game 3. Who would you choose right now?

R&D: Three Fingers Mordecai Brown. He's been there before, understands the pressure, and throws the best spitball in the league.

2007-08-01T00:03:00.000-05:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS,
STAGE 3 BARGAINING (Part 2)

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re concluding Stage 3: Bargaining.

Putting together a deal for God

As you put together your proposal for Him to bargain your way out of baldness, it might behoove you to make sure that you’re speaking to the correct Him via the correct religion. What is the correct religion? Well, we aren’t exactly qualified to tell you that. However, we will point out that the religion in which you were born and raised is probably your best shot. After all, He might have had a hand in that choice.

Any choice you made in adulthood might have been made for less than pure reasons. It’s a common mistake amongst our people.

Finnegan’s Yarmulke

“I was brought up in a strict Irish Catholic family. Mass every week, confession, Notre Dame football… you know, the whole nine yards. So you can imagine my family’s surprise when I converted to Judaism. I loved everything about it. Corned beef sandwiches, meat on Fridays, Shecky Green. I didn’t realize until months later that I only converted so I could wear a Yarmulke. If only I had recognized the truth before they took my foreskin.”
--Patrick F, Boston

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

Conversion to Judaism amongst our people is very common. The back of the head bald spot and the yarmulke are a marriage made in heaven. The shape and design of that cap is obviously not a coincidence, and it has been working miracles for thousands of years. You may have convinced yourself that you chose Judaism for its beautiful history and tradition. You may even have convinced your family that the $20,000 you pay to the synagogue is well worth it because of God’s teachings. You may even convince your fellow Jews that you have chosen this religion for all the right reasons.

But you can’t fool Him. He knows.

Don’t offer a deal to Him as a Jew if you’re really a Catholic. It diminishes your odds right off the bat.

Cooter’s Turban

“Let’s just say finding a Mosque in Mississippi wasn’t easy. Squirrel hunting in a turban wasn’t a picnic either”
--Cooter S, Biloxi

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

If you were born and raised as a Southern Baptist and converted to Islam in adulthood, that’s fine…as long as your reasons aren’t headgear-related. In Islam every man is encouraged to cover his head with a turban. Muslim men are not judged by their hair. If you can grow a beard, and most of us can, then it’s not too hard to see how this religion might have appealed to you. Every day you get on your knees and bow to Mecca and anyone watching you won’t be looking at the top of your head because it will covered by a truly impressive headgear. Throw in the promise of seventy virgins if you die a martyr and we can understand how this happens.

But if you’re about to offer a deal to Him and you call him by the wrong name, it might not help your cause. Most importantly, remember that He knows the real reason you chose this religion—and if you’re trying to get your hair back, that’s not going to help.

Pope Chang

“I probably didn’t realize it until the first time my hat came off trying to walk through a low doorway. I was blinded by the big hat. I didn’t see the downside.”
--P. Chang, Shanghai

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

Many of our people entering the priesthood do it with gusto and ambition. The reason is simple: the hats keep getting bigger and better as you move up the Catholic hierarchy. Again, this isn’t a bad thing unless you converted to Catholicism just for the headgear. If you were raised in a remote village somewhere in China and just happened to see the Pope on a satellite television broadcast one day—it doesn’t count if you converted just for the cool big pointy hat.

Far be it from us to advise high ranking members of the church what to do when they make a deal with Him, but let’s face it—He knows.

Dali Fred

“The first time I heard him speak I knew he was speaking the truth. It wasn’t until my wife asked me what he said that I realized I wasn’t listening. I was blinded by his beautiful bald head.”
--D. Fred Smith, Kansas

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the (lack of) hairstyle?

The Dali Lama has helped spread the world-wide popularity of Buddhism. Just a few generations ago, Buddhists were quite rare in Western society. Maybe you were swept up in the excitement yourself. But be honest. Was it the message? Or was it the hair? Or was it the chance to move to Tibet?

We can clear it up in your mind with one simple question: Do you like Richard Gere?

If you do like him because you share a religion with him, then by all means, you are in the right religion. Make your bargain. If you still find yourself having an inexplicable white-hot hatred for Richard Gere, you might have chosen this religion for another reason.

This is the time for painful self-examination. You can fool your loved ones and your friends, but you can’t fool Him.

Vishnu Fritz

“Gandhi seemed like the perfect man to me. But when I converted to Hinduism and they made me an ‘Untouchable’ I realized that I might have just been blinded by his beautiful bald dome.”
--V. Fritz, Berlin

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the (lack of) hairstyle?

We’ve heard you extolling the virtues of your new religion. The Karma thing sounds very good—we’re all for it. The reincarnation thing has a definite appeal, no question about it. If you were born into this religion, then more power to you. You may not even need to make a deal with Him because you’re hanging in there for a full head in the next lifetime.

But if you chose this religion because of Gandhi’s hairstyle, and yes, we’re talking to you Fritz; you better remember that before you offer a deal to Him.

He knows.

Krishna Ethan

“The first thing I noticed was the cool orange outfit. I grew up in Syracuse and the orange appealed to me. But I must admit I didn’t convert until I started losing my hair. It’s a good look, but the airport food is starting to get to me.”
--K. Ethan, Syracuse

For a bald man, the lure of Hare Krishna is difficult to overstate. The obvious appeal of the hairstyle (or lack of one) barely needs to be pointed out. But the additional bonus of people calling you “Hare” is irresistible. The chance to repeat this word in chant after chant has got to feel great.

On the other hand, if you’re trying to broker a deal during this bargaining phase of Stage 3, you have very little chance of success if you aren’t bargaining with the right Guy. Listen to the song “My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison. Does it speak to you? If yes, bargain away. If no, you’ve been lured by the hairstyle and the name. If it simply reminds you of the song “He’s so Fine” by the Chiffons, don’t call a lawyer. It’s already been settled in a court of law.

Closing the Deal

After you are 100% sure that you’re in the correct religion, then—and only then are you able to pitch your deal to God.

You should know that the odds of your success are still overwhelmingly against you. Making a deal with God is like making a telemarketing cold call to a Vietnam veteran asking for a donation to the Jane Fonda Free Speech Fund. Is it hopeless? Probably. But you can’t make a sale or get the big job if you don’t go for it. There may be a miracle, right?

If you are a skilled salesman or negotiator you’ll want to use some of those techniques while speaking with God. If you aren’t, as a service to you, we’ll go over a few of those techniques to give you a little help. You’ll need it. It’s all a matter of knowing who you’re dealing with, what you’re offering, where and when you’re offering it, and how and why you’re offering it.

Who?

Know your customer. God has already made his feelings about baldness clear in His book. He’s very pro-bald. So why would he consider giving you hair? He likes you just the way you are. He is what we call in the sales game “a tough sell.” He has all of the power in this relationship and you have none.

Read up on Him. Get to know who He is and what He likes. For instance, there is a chance that he doesn’t even like you. How do you know if he really doesn’t like you? He has His ways of making himself heard.

• Do you live in a flood plain? If you can swim in your basement he doesn’t like you.
• Do you live on a fault line? He doesn’t get more obvious than when he makes the entire earth shake beneath you.
• Do you live in Florida? After the second or third hurricane you should have gotten the message, but four in one season? He doesn’t like you.
• Do you root for the Cubs? He’s been very clear on this for a hundred years.

What?

We recommend a gift, and some sort of service. He seems to like both of those concepts.

You have to give a gift, it’s only polite. Look at the examples of the gifts he has accepted over the years; a child, a life, etc. Those are big-time gifts, but let’s face it, those guys were asking for a lot more in return than you are. You’re not asking for eternal life or for all of mankind’s sins to be forgiven. You just want your hair back.

So what can you offer as a gift? Remember this isn’t the big part of your offer; it’s just a little ice breaker to show you care. The following suggestions are all appropriate without being too showy or bribe-y:

• Homemade baked goods
• A nice floral arrangement
• A picture frame
• A box of candy

What is not appropriate? You have to cover yourself here. Don’t give Him anything that might offend Him in another religion either, like…

• Pork
• Beef
• Dancing
• Anything featuring a picture of a uncovered woman’s face

After you come up with a gift, it's time to pick the way you'll promise to serve Him. Again, keep it realistic. You can choose to serve him for life as a priest or a monk or a Rabbi or an Ayatollah, but the men who do that are usually seeking a bigger payback than you are. They want eternal life. You just want your hair back.

But what does He want from you? Let’s go back to those big ten rules again. Those were etched in stone and are a pretty good place to start. Don’t go overreaching by promising to live by all ten rules forever. You can’t do it. The second you break your promise, your hair will fall out again. Plus, you have no credibility. It would be like Congress promising to end all partisan bickering. He won’t buy it—it’s not going to happen.

So pick one of the big ten and offer to live by it forever. There is a catch here, of course. You can’t pick the one that you already follow because he knows you already follow it. (“No more killing, God, you have my word.”) You have to give up one that you really love to break. It’s the least you can do for your hair.

• If you’re a chronic Sabbath-avoider, promise to go to Church every week (or your religion’s equivalent)
• If you’re a big Name-in-Vainer, promise to bite your tongue in traffic. Forever.
• If you’re a big coveter, promise to install an Internet web-blocker and/or firewall to prevent, ahem, surfing.
• If you’re a chronic Non-Honorer of your mother and father; promise to stop referring to them as a “royal pain in the ass.” Forever.

Where & When?

OK, let’s say you have a canolli for Him and you’ve decided that you’ll stop using His name in vain in the car. Where do you give Him the offer? He’s everywhere, right?

Well, yes he is, but he does have a lot of homes. Look for the big buildings with the steeples if you are Christian, or for the temples if you are Buddhist or Jewish or Hindu. The offer will mean more if you present it to him at his home. You are showing that you’re willing to go the extra mile. This is a no-brainer.

When to do it is a little trickier. If you make your offer during a service, other people may try to eat your canolli. We recommend doing it during a very important sporting event. God will appreciate it if you show up during the Super Bowl. It’s just another subtle way of showing him how serious you really are.

How?

Dress in your nicest suit. Presentation is important. Repeat this word to yourself over and over again: Humble. You are humble. You have never been this humble. You are Steve Marriot, the leader of Humble Pie. (For you kids, that’s a rock group from the 60’s and 70’s).

Give Him the canolli (a fresh one—please don’t get cheap here) and make your offer. Keep it simple and direct. Don’t waste your time with any smalltalk—it’s too risky. You may inadvertently say something you shouldn’t say. Say what you have to say, usually something like this: “Dear God, if you give me my hair back I promise that I will never use Your name in vain again in traffic; even when I get cut off, even when somebody is driving too slow in the left lane, and even when other motorists ignore the rules of the road.”

Then get out of there. You’ve done all you can do.

What if God actually answers you?

Let’s say our canolli & no swearing in traffic promise actually gets a verbal response from Him. Then what? Good news and bad news. The good news is that God does grant face to face sales appointments on occasion. The bad news is that these meetings are only scheduled after you’ve passed over to the other side. You’ve probably just been involved in some sort of a fiery car crash.

Now you may have to sell the Boss on two things. One, you’ll have to sell Him on your value to humanity so He keeps you around. That’s a given. But don’t forget why you wanted to talk to Him in the first place. This is a once in a lifetime chance to get a direct answer. Try to sell Him on giving you your hair back too. Remember that’s, “hair back” and not “back hair.” Rookie reps often make that mistake.

Can a bargain with God actually work?

You should have asked us that question a long time ago. There’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you since the beginning of this section.

God doesn’t bargain.

Ever.

Sorry.

He’s already giving you exactly what he wants to give you. He’s perfect, and when you’re perfect that means ZERO mistakes. He wants you to lose your hair.

So why did we spend an entire section covering “Bargaining” if there was zero chance of success? The same reason we spent an entire section on “Denial” and an entire section on “Anger.” You have to go through this process to reach acceptance.

It was for your own good.

2007-07-25T00:03:00.000-05:00

QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WORLD SERIES BOUND CHICAGO CUBS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

As you may or may not realize, the Chicago Cubs are the hottest team in baseball. After a slow start, they have surged to within a few games of division leading Milwaukee. Anyone who has lived in Chicago for a long time knows what is going to happen next.

The Cubs are going to win it all this year.

Because it’s been a little while since this last occurred, many of our Chicago readers have been writing us with their questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.

“D” writes: “I’m getting a little nervous about all this World Series talk. Are we putting the cart before the horse?”

R&D: That phrase might have meant something the last time the Cubs won the World Series, but don’t forget that cars have been invented since then. Horses and carts are nowhere near as popular as they were the last time the Cubs won it all.

“A” writes: “Is there anything we can learn from the last Cubs World Series champions?”

R&D: Absolutely. Pitching and defense are the keys to winning it all. If our current Cubbies follow the lead of the 1908 Champions, they’ll be saying “World Champion Chicago Cubs” as soon as the news is telegraphed to all 46 states, including the brand new state of Oklahoma.

“B” writes: “Should the 2007 National League Champion Chicago Cubs be aware of any rule changes since their last World Series appearance in 1945?”

R&D: There have only been a few rule changes. During the 1960s the pitchers dominated in a big way--especially in 1968. That was the year that Bob Gibson had an ERA of 1.12, Denny McLain had 31 victories, and Carl Yastrzemski led the AL with a paltry .301 batting average. So the Baseball Rules Committee lowered the mound. Other changes included the shrinking of the strike zone and tighter enforcement against illegal pitches. Oh, and now they also allow Blacks to play.

“S” writes: “Since the World Series is played in October, what should I wear to Wrigley to combat the frigid evenings?”

R&D: Make sure you wear warm clothes in layers. We suggest a t shirt, under another t-shirt with a sweatshirt on top. Blue sweatshirts with the words “Renegades, Baseball” retain your natural heat the best. Since most of your body heat escapes through your head, wear big honking headphones. This is especially important if you’re sitting in the front row. Remember, you’re not just a spectator—you’re a participant.

“K” writes: “I’m going to take my folding chairs out of my parking space and reserve a space for the parade. Any idea which route the parade took last time? I want to get the best seat.”

R&D: They obviously avoided the notorious North Side German ghetto last time, so don’t waste your time placing your chairs on one of those unpaved dirt roads there.

“R” writes: “Will President Theodore Roosevelt attend the World Series this time? We’re all still a little miffed that he snubbed Chicago last time.”

R&D: Unfortunately, no. It looks like Roosevelt won’t be coming again this time. What do you expect from a New Yorker?

We hope this helps. If you have any other questions about how to handle the World Series, feel free to send them in to your good buddies at Half Empty. Between now and the big parade we’ll try to get to as many of your questions as we can.

2007-07-18T00:06:00.000-05:00

MORE FUN WITH PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern

A few weeks ago we gave you some tips for how to annoy your boss by using passive aggressive behavior. That inspired the following e-mail...

Dear Rick and Dave,

I really enjoyed your column about aggravating your boss. The problem is, I’m only at work 40 – 50 hours a week, how can I needle other people in my down time? –B

We’re glad you asked, B. Since neither of us work in a traditional office setting anymore, we have been forced to hone our passive-aggressive skills elsewhere. Here are a few:

-The cashier
When paying, give them odd amounts of currency. For example, if the bill comes to $7.89 give them $13.62. It’s great fun watching their brows furrow as they punch the figure into the cash register. Then be very deliberate and slow counting your change. Not only will you aggravate them, but the people behind you too, it’s win-win.

-Secondary users of your vehicle
If you’re married, chances are that from time to time you will share vehicles. Wives, if you know that your husband will drive your car next, move the seat as close to the dashboard as possible. Also, move all the mirrors in bizarre and ridiculous positions. Take it from us, we absolutely LOVE spending ten minutes adjusting everything. Also, leave zero gas in the car, that’s a real nice touch. And last but not least, find the classic rock station and turn the radio up as far as it can go.

-Blockbuster Clerks
They are trained to say hello to every single person that walks through the door in the most annoyingly cheerful way possible. The next time they do, stop to say hello and have a fifteen minute conversation with them about the most trivial topic you can imagine. For instance...

Them: Hi, welcome to Blockbuster.

You: Hey how ya doing? Is that a new vest you guys are wearing? What’s it made of? Polyester? You know polyester is Synthetic resin formed by the condensation of polyhydric alcohols (alcohols containing more than one hydroxyl group) with dibasic acids (acids containing two replaceable hydrogen atoms). Polyesters are thermosetting plastics, used for constructional plastics and, with glass fibre added as reinforcement, they are used in car bodies and boat hulls. Polyester is also a major synthetic fibre used for knitting or weaving fabrics which are strong but lightweight, and resist creasing but can be heat-set into pleats. Polyester is often mixed with other fibres and can be found in a wide range of different textiles.

-Cab Drivers
When stopped behind a cabbie at a stop light, get ready to honk your horn the nano-second the light turns green. When in front of a cabbie, stop your vehicle and check your oil in front of them.

-People that stay in the hotel room after you
Set all the alarm clocks to 4:30 AM. Hide the remote. Make all the pictures in the room a little crooked. Above all, don’t stay in the same hotels we do.

-Moms at the carnival
Go to one of those rickety carnivals in a strip-mall parking lot. Find a mom who is watching her child on one of the scariest rides. Without her seeing, put a couple of big gears and screws on the ground in front of the ride. Finally, innocuously point them out to her. The fun won’t stop as she screams in horror and pleads with the toothless carny worker to stop the ride.

Finally, write a blog entry with absolutely no social or intellectual value and watch hundreds of people waste their time reading it.

Mean, yes. But oh so fun.

2007-07-11T00:02:00.000-05:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 3 BARGAINING (Part 1)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 3: Bargaining.

“Regrets, I have a ton”

After you’ve come through the rage, and you begin realizing what awaits you, it’s only natural to start lamenting the times you’ve taken your hair for granted. You’ll also think about the times you may have inadvertently caused the hair loss by your reckless behavior. Don’t worry; it’s a normal part of the grieving process. You have to go through this before you reach acceptance.

Of course, years from now you’ll laugh at your stupidity during this stage, but we’re not going to do that. You have enough problems.

Was it something I said?

We hear that one a lot, as if it was the complaining about your hair while you had it that inadvertently caused the hair loss. Trust us; God isn’t sitting there in Heaven keeping a tote board of hair whiners to smite with his vengeance. You logically know this is true, but it won’t stop you from remembering the times you….

• Bitched about the hair in your eyes
• Complained about the length of time it took to dry your hair
• Whined about the wind mussing your hair
• Bitched about your sweaty hair on a hot day
• Complained about your haircut because ‘they didn’t cut enough’
• Whined at the difficulty in maintaining the ‘Flock of Seagulls’ doo

What would have happened if you hadn’t said any of those things? Would God have allowed you to keep your full head of hair well into adulthood? No.

You have male pattern baldness. It’s a genetic thing. It was pre-determined from the time of your birth. There is no nature vs. nurture debate in the scientific community about baldness. You didn’t wake up one morning and decide to be bald.

If you did….well, then screw you. We wish you a lifetime of unhappiness. We hope the President pushes for a constitutional amendment to ban that blasphemous behavior forever.

Was it something I did?

This is the next logical step in your recovery. Up until this point, the only things you’ve lost in your life are things like car keys, wallets, and important papers. The way you’ve always handled loss in the past was by retracing your steps. OK, I lost my hair. Now where did I see it last? Hmmm. What could have caused it to go away? What did I do?

As a service to you, we feel compelled to bring up many of the possibilities that may go through your mind, and debunk them one by one.

I wore a baseball cap too much

Yes, you did. But that’s because you were in denial for quite a long time. The truth is that you started wearing that baseball cap BECAUSE you were losing your hair. Don’t tell us you lost your hair because you wore a baseball cap too much when you were younger. You had to. It was a required part of the little league uniform.

Here’s the bottom line about baseball caps: they don’t cause baldness. Exhibit A: Johnny Damon.

I never learned how to cook

Your hair loss must have been caused the inordinate number of times you used the microwave oven, right? Look at that guy in those frozen dinner commercials—Murray from the “Odd Couple.” He is the only other person you know who microwaves as many dinners as you do, and he’s obviously losing his hair too.

Sorry to point this out, but he’s an actor. He would never touch those frozen dinners with a ten foot pole. A more appropriate comparison would be someone like microwave-popcorn king Orville Reddenbacher. He micro-waved his ass off and still had a full head of hair when he died in his 90’s.

I had braces

Many hair loss sufferers eventually trace their hair loss to the numerous dental X-rays they had in their teen years while they were getting fitted for braces. Those damn dentists with their insistence on knowing exactly where our teeth were and where they would be coming out, they must have X-rayed our hair right off.

Do we really need to point out the flaws in this logic? How old were you when you got your braces? How old were you when your hair started falling out? How many of those dental technicians were bald?

Although we must admit that lead apron does give us pause.

I combed my hair too forcefully

Maybe you got gum stuck in your hair one time and you combed it really hard to get out the gum—so hard that you could feel the hair actually ripping out of your scalp. Think about it: Just a few years later it started coming out in your hairbrush or comb every time you combed. What if you accidentally started combing it at “gum strength” every time you combed your hair after that first time?

Sorry to do this to your rationalization, but here are the cold, hard facts. Joe Bazooka? Fullhead. The Doublemint Twins? Fullheads. Those are gum professionals, and if they haven’t lost their hair, nothing you did with your “gum-strength” combing could have caused your baldness.

I have a very stressful job

This might be the most common reason given by sufferers. Because the hair loss tends to coincide with the entry into the workforce, it is a natural argument to make. There may even be a legitimate case or two of stress-related hair loss. Of course, if you leave your stressful job, shouldn’t your hair be growing back?

Plus, wouldn’t you say that President of the United States is the most stressful job in the world? Take a look at Bill Clinton’s glorious head of hair after serving as President for eight years. It may have gotten gray, but it didn’t fall out.

On the other hand, Clinton had a way of taking the edge off.

God Hates Me

We’ve already proven where the Big Guy stands on hair loss, but our balding brothers inevitably believe that something they said or did caused the hair loss. After years of denial and anger and soul searching, they all eventually come to the only possible explanation: God’s vengeance.

The Big Ten

During this third stage of grieving you will be examining your faith closely. You’ll start to question whether or not you said or did something that incurred God’s wrath. It’s natural. We all get to this point; especially those of us who have been raised in the great Judeo-Christian tradition of guilt and self-blame. You’ll be sitting in a church or synagogue (or near a church or synagogue) one day and someone will make a reference to the ten big rules that are literally etched in stone.

Uh oh.

Thou shall have no other Gods before me.

The 60’s and 70’s were a crazy time. Many of us were blinded by things that we can’t explain today. It’s understandable in retrospect. The country was at war, the man was keeping us down, and we were just rebelling against authority. It happens to every generation. On the other hand, we probably shouldn’t have proclaimed things like “Clapton is God” and/or “Todd is God” just because of the guitar virtuosity of the former and the songwriting talent of the latter. Eric Clapton and/or Todd Rundgren are not God. We know that now.

But God didn’t smite you for thinking that. He directed the smiting at Clapton and Rundgren instead. Look at the evidence. Clapton’s personal life has been a mess—from stealing a Beatle wife, to losing a Beatle wife, to a long heroin addiction. Rundgren’s personal life is like an episode of Desperate Housewives. He thought Liv Tyler was his daughter, and raised her as such. As she grew up, he began to notice some amazing physical similarities to another rock star. Hmmm.

That’s classic smiting, right there.

Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain

If you kept a running tally of the number of times you broke this rule, you would really start worrying. Every spring when the girls start wearing their sun dresses, you’re bound to spit out at least one exclamation with His name in it, usually preceded by “Oh my sweet…” When you get cut off in traffic? Hello sin. Hit your thumb with a hammer? Time for confession.

Not to worry. Your anger-laced comments may send you directly to hell after you die, but they didn’t cause your hair loss. Want proof? Eric Idle still has a full head of hair, and he co-wrote an entire movie making fun of Jesus (“Life of Brian”). That was far worse than anything you said in anger to Him.

Keep Holy the Sabbath

This one is probably the easiest to disprove. Turn on the television on a Saturday (if you’re Jewish) or Sunday (if you’re Christian) and watch a football game. Would you say that trying to snuff the life out of your opponent qualifies as “Keeping holy the Sabbath?” Now look at the heads of the players after they take off their helmets. Of the ninety players in uniform what percentage of them are fullheads?

Case closed.

Honor thy mother and father

There are some fullheads out there who make you look like a Boy Scout when it comes to this Commandment. Remember the lovable Menendez brothers? They weren’t very nice to their parents either, but they took it a little further than you ever did. When you pump a few bullets into Dad, there is no “everybody does it” defense that can save you.

Did God smite them by taking away their hair? Well, yes, in this case he did, but even God can only take so much.

Thou shall not kill

This one is a no-brainer. Have you killed anyone? If the answer is no, move on. We’ve heard some of our people claim that they broke this Commandment because they once murdered someone’s reputation, or someone’s hopes and dreams. Please. That’s not murder…that’s being the boss. The following fullheads are actual murderers:

Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Slobodan Milosevic, Saddam Hussein, Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, Mark David Chapman, and John Wayne Gacy.

Thou shall not commit adultery

Have you seen Bill Clinton lately? Fullhead. Kobe Bryant? Fullhead. Magic Johnson? Fullhead. Jesse Jackson? Fullhead. Jimmy Swaggert? Fullhead. Tommy Lee? Fullhead. How long of a list do you need?

Thou Shall not Steal

This is another one of those rules that everyone breaks. Does taking the company pen home count as stealing? What about that candy bar you took as a kid? What about stealing a joke (we’ve already done that twice in this section), or stealing an idea, or stealing a glance? Yes, those do qualify as stealing, but they definitely aren’t hair-snatching-smite-worthy.

Again, probe a little deeper. John Gotti had a big bushy head of hair. Michael Corleone; great hair. And what about Rickey Henderson? He is all-time steals leader, and still has a full head of hair.

Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor

That’s just a fancy way of saying “Don’t Lie.” Of course you’ve done it. The Pope has done it. The Dali Lama has done it. Ghandi did it. Martin Luther King Jr. did it. Mother Theresa did it. It is, without question, the most commonly broken commandment. So you told the bum that you didn’t have any money on you. Big whoop. So you told your wife that her butt doesn’t look fat in that dress. So what?

You may feel like a big fat liar and think God is smiting you by taking away your hair, but think about how many times Samantha and Darren Stevens bore false witness against poor Mrs. Kravitz in Bewitched. Every single week they lied to this poor woman. When she tried to tell the truth to other people about the wacky goings-on in the Stevens household, they called her a liar. That’s far worse than anything you’ve done, and both Darren’s had nice hair. Samantha had a great head of hair too.
God doesn’t smite liars with hair loss, he just cancels their show.

Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s goods

If you really sat down and listed the goods you coveted over the years, we can see how easily you could convince yourself that God has decided to smite you with hair loss for your evil coveting. As a matter of fact…don’t you spend every moment of every day coveting your neighbor’s hair? Oh my…(rule 2) Gosh! Maybe you really were smitten.

Think about that for a second.

Is God really the kind of deity that would use reverse psychology? If he wanted you to stop coveting, would he really take away something that makes you covet more? He’s not trying to trick us. That’s why he only gave us ten rules. Our pea-brains can’t handle more than that.

Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife

Even Jimmy Carter does this, remember? He admitted that he had lust in his heart when he ran for President in 1976. The man is in his 80s now and still has a wonderful head of hair. Think about this for a moment. Would the MILF websites be making gazillions of dollars if this Commandment wasn’t being broken time after time after time? You aren’t contributing all of those gazillions by yourself (although you are contributing quite a bit). There are many others doing the same thing as you—and many of them have full heads of hair.

Of course, they also have hair on their palms. And they can’t see too well anymore. But those are far more traditional God-smiting techniques.

Have we convinced you yet?

Surely we’ve done what we said we were going to do. You can’t possibly believe that God has decided to smite you for breaking one of his “etched in stone” rules by taking away your hair. Congratulations! You are slowly but surely working your way through this Stage.

On the other hand, you still have a ways to go. You still haven’t done what this Stage promised you would do: Bargain.

We'll tackle that problem next month.

2007-07-03T23:55:00.000-05:00

Half Empty will return next week. Enjoy the holiday.

2007-06-27T00:06:00.000-05:00

GIVING BACK TO OUR UNIVERSITY
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

As university graduates, we are constantly bombarded by our alma mater with phone and mail requests to contribute money to the cause of higher learning.

This year we’re going to contribute something even better. If modern day students are anything like we were, they will appreciate these gifts far more than money. A box will be arriving in Champaign-Urbana shortly with the following items...

Our Smith Corona
You’ve probably heard about Rick’s “Portrait of an Artist who uses run-on sentences” English 106 paper or Dave’s “The bells are ringing, Pavlov” Psych 100 paper. We can’t give you the reports themselves because that would encourage plagiarism. We can, however, donate the typewriter that punched out those magical “A+” papers one letter, backspace, whiteout, blow on the whiteout, type the correct letter, at a time.

Our Albums
Between the two of us we’ve accumulated over 1000 albums. In this collection of albums with the corner cut out and giant letters “WPGU” written on them (a tribute to our college radio station), you’ll find everything from the hot new releases like The Thompson Twins and Kajagoogoo to classic hits by The Beatles and The Who. We wish we could be there to see the kids put those gems on their turntables and crank the quadraphonic sound! Since there aren’t enough for everyone, however, please record them on cassette so the rest of the kids can listen to them on their walkmans.

Our Textbooks
College textbooks are ridiculously expensive (except, of course, Rick’s book “The Radio Producer’s Handbook” which is available at amazon.com for a measly $19.95). Well, don’t worry kids, because each of us has a whole boxful of textbooks that we’re willing to donate to the cause of higher learning. Whether you enjoy Rick’s political science book about the Soviet Union and Yugoslavia or Dave’s astronomy book about the last planet Pluto, the knowledge on those pages is timeless…and for the first time, FREE!

Our Movies
College isn’t just about studying and learning. With all of that pressure to succeed, college kids need to blow off a little steam too. Enjoy one of the great slasher flicks from our big box of beta video movies. Trust us; Jamie Lee Curtis has never looked better. Rick will also throw in his entire (laserdisc) movie collection acquired in the years shortly after college. Those babies are digital.

Free Computer Gear
The cost of this nickel and dime computer gear adds up, doesn’t it? A box of 5-inch floppy discs here, a Lotus and/or DOS manual there, and before you know it, you don’t have any money left over for quarter beer night. We still have loads of this stuff, and we’re happy to donate it to the university. As a special tip for you advertising students…look through that box of floppy discs closely. One of them is labeled “Ad-Plan” and will show you how advertising on “Moonlighting” and “Knight Rider,” while creating point-of-purchase displays for K-Mart and Woolworth, will give your client the most bang for the buck.

We know that contributing all of this priceless stuff is a tad on the “overly-generous” side. It’s just who we are. We’re givers. If this stuff can help just one kid enjoy the kind of college life we enjoyed, that’s all the thanks we need.

2007-06-20T00:05:00.000-05:00

CUBS VERSUS SOX
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

The Cubs/Sox Crosstown Series hits U.S. Cellular Field this weekend.

Dave is a life-long White Sox fan and hates the Cubs. Rick is a life-long Cubs fan and hates the Sox.

Or do we? Read the following pieces and you'll understand what we really hate...

Rick: "I swear I don't hate the Sox"

Dave: "I swear I don't hate the Cubs

2007-06-13T00:03:00.000-05:00

TALKING 'BOUT OUR GENERATION

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

There is a 97 % chance that if you’re talking to someone in our parent’s generation you’ll be called a sissy. We’re constantly being reminded that they had a World War to fight, polio to overcome and Russians to hate, while our pansy asses didn’t. Their generation was shaped by catastrophic world events and ours was shaped by Nintendo. Well, it’s time to set the record straight. We haven’t had it so easy, and we know a thing or two about world events. In fact, our lives have been more interesting than theirs and our hardships have been greater.

Dave’s Mom shook Mussolini’s hand once. Rick met Jose Cardenal at Jewel.

During a 1941 war rally in Berlin, Dave’s Mom shook the hand of Mussolini, while Adolph Hitler was 3 feet away. There were no words spoken between them and it’s doubtful the Duce even noticed. On the other hand, Rick met Cub great Jose Cardenal at Jewel, shook his hand and had a 2 minute conversation with him. In addition, Rick’s reasonably sure that Jim Hickman was in the produce section near by.

Advantage: Our Generation.

Rick’s father lived in a chicken coop during the war. Rick and Dave lived in squalor during college.

Rick’s father and his family spent the years immediately after the war living in a chicken coop in Austria. They had no heat, slept on the bare ground and worked hard on the farm in exchange for a weekly piece of meat. His father occasionally was given "fat sandwiches" for which he was forever grateful. Rick and Dave lived here (picture) in college. A picture says a thousand clucks. Besides, all we ate were Ramen noodles. They at least had eggs.

Advantage: Our Generation.

Rick’s great grandfather walked back to Romania from Russia after World War I--and his family had no idea if he was alive or dead for several years. Rick on occasion gets swollen ankles from a mild case of Elephantitis.

Rick would love to walk across war torn Europe but compression socks (shown here) are expensive. Without those socks, Rick's physical limitations won’t allow it. We’re not even mentioning Dave’s kidney stone a few years back.

Advantage: Our Generation.

Dave’s mom experienced frequent power outages during Allied bombings of Berlin. Dave’s cable went out during game three of the 2005 World Series.

There were two on, Jermaine Dye at the dish and Comcast blew a fuse. Thankfully, the outage lasted 15 seconds and all Dave missed was a couple of foul balls. Dave’s mom didn’t even have a TV, so she missed NOTHING!

Advantage: Our Generation.

During the war, even after severe air attacks, the German commuter train system would continue to run on time the next day. Dave took the CTA for three years during High School.

This one isn’t even close.

Advantage: Our Generation

Dave and Rick’s families gave up everything they had and moved to a foreign country without even knowing the native language. Dave and Rick had to deal with permit parking.

Drive to a Lincoln Park bar on a Saturday night and try to park. It’s impossible. How hard was it to get to America? A couple of forms and poof you’re in steerage. We’re not even going to bring up Chicago’s impossible to understand Blue Bag recycling program.

Advantage: Our Generation.

We think it’s clear, that any pain the older generation had to endure, we've had to endure more. Take your little war and hardships and walk a while in our shoes. Oh and as for Rick's great-grandfather, try doing your little European walking tour in Rick’s orthopedic shoes some time. We dare you!

2007-06-06T00:04:00.000-05:00

Grieving for your hair loss, Stage 2 Anger (Part 2)

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 2 Anger, but we're doing much more than that. We're telling who to hate, why to hate them, and what to do about it.

Pop Hate

This stage won’t last forever—you have to hate while the hating is good.

We’ve tried to isolate the most heinous examples of fullhead taunters and give you tips for things you can say if you ever happen to meet them. We know what our critics are going to say about this, and we have it covered. Yes, it’s petty and maybe even cruel to single people out for hatred. On the other hand, pretending that hatred doesn’t exist is like putting your head in the sand. And the ostrich is not the official animal of Stage 2—the bald eagle is. The eagle doesn’t peacefully coexist with the other animals—he eats them.

Besides, we’re also going to give you some common sense alternatives to spending your time hating. After you have vented, you may find yourself worrying that you’ll have to give up things you love (movies, television, theatre, music, politics, your family, and children), but we’ll show you another way. It’s actually a service to help you grow and move on to the next stage. Be sure to tell that to the officer who arrests you for hurling epithets at Fabio.

Movies

Fullheads have ruled the movies since the very beginning, but some have really rubbed it in our faces, especially since the 1960s made long hair popular. One of the first fair-haired boys to stick a dagger into the hearts of our people was Warren Beatty. From his very early films, even before he let it grow out, Beatty had luxurious locks. By the time the 1975 film “Shampoo” came out, he had gone from subtly jabbing us to roundhouse punching us. His character in that movie had big poofy hair, big sideburns, and was even a hairdresser. And, oh yeah, he bagged hot babe after hot babe too. If you can’t hate Warren Beatty, you can’t hate.

Career Low-point: Supposedly the subject of the Carly Simon song “You’re So Vain.”

Helpful Conversational Hint In Case You Meet Him: “Hi Warren. I bet you think this conversation’s ‘bout you, don’t you, don’t you?” or “I bet you think this vegetable platter’s ‘bout you, don’t you, don’t you.” Feel free to adjust based on the situation but keep saying it over and over again. Won’t you? Won’t you?

Television

There are so many individual television stars worthy of your hate, but as a group, it’s hard to top anchormen. Television news directors obviously scour the country looking for genetic freaks that still have fabulous heads of hair well into distinguished old age. Think about it. The classic network anchors: Rather, Brokaw, Jennings. The cable anchors: Hume, Blitzer, Hannity, Matthews, Rivera. The newsmagazine anchors: Stone Phillips, Mike Wallace, John Stossel. All of them are fullheads. That’s the real media bias. Oh Charles Kuralt—how we miss thee.

Helpful Conversational Hint In Case You Meet One: “Hey smart boy, what’s the capitol of ‘Fluffyhair-iztan’?”

Broadway

Why hate Broadway? Are you kidding us? One word: “Hair.” We know it came out thirty-plus years ago, but an entire musical to glorify Hair? It doesn’t get more outrageous than that. Hair doesn’t need any help, thank you very much. “Hair” is already lording itself over us every moment of every day. Do we really need some freaks running around on stage singing about it? That’s the equivalent of training your dog not to crap in the house by shoving his head in his own crap every time he does. We get it. You have hair. We don’t. You don’t have to shove our faces in it.

Helpful Conversational Hint in Case You Ever Meet Someone from the theatre: “Give my regards to Broadway…it’s this finger.”

Politics

Presidents used to be great. We really had a great stretch for awhile there, and there was no reason to hate them. Dwight D. Eisenhower was a hell of a President. Lyndon B. Johnson was a great President too. Our kind of people. The same is true of Nixon; that hairline was something we could live with. And Gerald Ford? Now that was a President!

Ever since Ford, this country has gone in the crapper, and people have hated the President ever since. Fullhead Jimmy Carter? Nice job on the hostage rescue, pal. Fullhead Ronald Reagan? Sold weapons to fullhead Saddam Hussein. Fullhead George H.W. Bush? The last name says it all—it’s an adjective for fullhead. Fullhead Bill Clinton? Impeached his ass. Fullhead George W. Bush? Same friggin adjective as his father.

We’re sorry.

We shouldn’t have written that about our current President. After all, he has shown potential for overcoming his fullhead deficiencies. For instance, he did pick a heck of a Vice President, and the man who tells him what to do (Karl Rove) is also one of us. We shouldn’t be so quick to hate. Although if Rove or Cheney goes, so does our support.

Helpful Conversational Hint in Case You Ever Meet the President: CLASSIFIED (Crossed out with a big black marker)

Music

They called them “Hair Bands.” That pretty much sums it up doesn’t it? You know the type of bands we’re talking about: Poison, Kiss, Twisted Sister, Cinderella, Ratt, Skid Row, Whitesnake, et al. They had several characteristics in common: They put on makeup, poofed up their hair like women, and performed Heavy metal music. And the chicks loved them. Bret Michaels from Poison did Pamela Anderson (that’s not speculation—we’ve screened the video as part of our comprehensive fact-checking). David Coverdale from Whitesnake did Tawny Kitaen. Gene Simmons from Kiss claims that he has slept with thousands of women—although he also had the tongue thing, which isn’t really fair.

There was so much to hate. So, so, so much to hate.

We still hate them. And if you’re in Stage 2, we’re betting you do too.

Helpful Conversational Hint in Case You Ever Meet A Hair Band: “Guys—I’m going to get a corn dog and ride on the Tilt-O-Whirl first, but then I’ll come and see the last few songs of your set.”

Everyday Hate

Scientists have long debated the genetic origin of male pattern baldness. We’ve all heard the various theories on how it either skips a generation on your mother’s side or how it’s passed on by your father. Unfortunately, neither of these schools of thoughts has been proven. It doesn’t really matter. The bottom line is that somewhere along your defective lineage someone screwed up and mixed with the wrong kind. You’ll never be able to trace the exact ancestor who brought famine to your people, but rest assured that whoever it was is eternally getting his scalp scorched you know where.

In the meantime, what’s a Stage 2er to do? You have to find a personal, satisfying object of your hate nearby. Do you pick and choose the bald relatives and hate only them? Do you hate only the fullheads in your family because they somehow escaped the genetic curse? Yes and Yes. Hate them all, and you’ll be covered. For instance, you should definitely hate your...

Fullhead brother

If life were fair, all men born to the same parents would have similar hairlines. That would make genetic sense, wouldn’t you think? At most there should be a difference of a tuft or two, but no more than that. Sadly, this is not the case. Too often Fate’s Great Follicle Roulette Wheel will unfairly pay out to an undeserving sibling.

Imagine this situation if you can. You and your brother have always looked alike. The relatives constantly commented on your uncanny physical similarities; often calling you by your brother’s name by mistake and vice versa. Somewhere along the way, however, they stopped confusing you. At first they thought it might be your sweater. Then they realized it was your more “respectable” haircut. By the time you got out of your teens, they started identifying you as “the bald one.”

For the purposes of this section we’ll call this brother, Dick. Living with a Dick is no easy task. Even though you’re blessed with superior intellect, his shaggy locks will be a constant reminder that you got screwed in the Heredity Olympics. Your fullhead brother will probably be the most rewarding object of your anger and rage.

Enjoy. Hate him with gusto.

Vengeance Suggestion: This is the only time we endorse wearing a wig. Have a wig designed to look exactly like your brother’s haircut, and then “surprise” his girlfriend at her office. She will think you are your brother. Take her somewhere you can show her what a real virile man can do. The next time she sees your brother, he will disappoint. If your brother is married, of course, we don’t recommend this technique. He’s already had his comeuppance; he’s married.

Your toupee-wearing Uncle

No, that’s not the title of a wacky new Steve Martin movie. Virtually every bald man has an uncle that has never gotten out of Stage One. Not only is he mired in Denial but he chooses to wear a dead animal on his head. So why should you hate him? Wouldn’t showing the poor bastard empathy be the right thing to do? Maybe give him a copy of this book?

No Chance!

Every since you’ve been losing your hair, every family member has compared him to you by asking: “Hey, when are you and Uncle Squirrel-head going to start shampooing together?” Or “You think Uncle Swirl will leave you his collection of cue-balls when he dies”?

On the outside you laughed with your fullhead family but on the inside you plotted his untimely death. Besides, how many girlfriends have you lost because you introduced them to Uncle Toupee? Don’t hold back your hatred of him.

Vengeance Suggestion: Place a magnet in his hairpiece while he sleeps. Encourage his family members to wear a suit of armor. The fun never stops as the squirrel head sticks to the armor time after time. Soon he’ll stop wearing the blasted thing.

Children

So you’re riding in an elevator minding your own business when you notice a cute little toddler staring at you. Eager to spread some joy to this little person, you perform your tried and true funny-face masterpiece, “Wrinkle Nose and Tongue Waggle”. The child instantly loves your work and laughs uproariously. After the laugh riot calms down, the little angel turns to his mother and asks, “Where did the funny man’s hair go”?

Vengeance Suggestions: Here are three options.
A) Pretend you didn’t hear Damien’s question and stare at the floor.
B) Give a disdainful glance at his fat mother.
C) Scream at the top of your lungs: “The evil clown that lives in your closet took it, and it’ll take yours tonight if you close your eyes.”

We suggest you go with the last one. Obviously, this little turd’s father isn’t one of us and deserves having a kid with a chronic sleep disorder.

Next month: We learn to control our anger and enter into Stage 3--Bargaining.

2007-05-23T00:09:00.000-05:00

21st Century Dioramas

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

You remember the diorama, those mini landscapes in a shoebox that you were forced to build for school? Sadly, the technological revolution has all but killed our pal. Inexplicably, kids these days don’t enjoy pipe cleaners, crepe paper, glue and little plastic horses as much as we did. They still have to do dioramas, but they don’t revel in them because they’d rather do projects on their fancy-schmancy computers.

This has got to end. That’s why we’ve created a couple of easy to build dioramas that will make the diorama more relevant for today’s kids. Unplug the Play Stations, turn off the iPods and grab the kids, it’s time for some family fun Half Empty style.

1) Paris Hilton’s Adventure
(supplies needed: shoebox, 1 toothpick, 1 marshmallow, 10 pipe cleaners and “Cellmate Barbie”)

Create Paris by inserting toothpick into marshmallow (the marshmallow is her head). Arrange and glue pipe cleaners to form a jail cell. Pose “Cellmate Barbie” behind Paris.

2) Tom Cruise’s 9th Level of Hell
(supples: shoebox, computer, internet access, old antidepressant prescription bottles)

Ok, so you need to go get the computer, sorry. Download cutout of Tom Cruise. Print doll and glue him in the middle of the box. Fill box with empty prescription bottles. Inserting ax wielding Brooke Shields is optional.

3) Heather Mill’s Wind “fall”
(supplies: Piano box, Dancing Barbie Doll, $32,000,000 in cash)

Rip the left leg off the Barbie doll. Paint a cheesy television dance floor set on cardboard. Fill box with cash.

4) Don Imus and Michael Richards job prospects
(supplies: shoebox, nothing else)

5) Robert Downey Jr’s Dresser Drawer
(supplies: shoebox, large amount of white powdery substance like sugar or flour)

Fill entire shoe box with substance.

6) Chicago Cubs World Series Chances
(supplies: orange crepe paper, Styrofoam ball)

Cover inside of box with orange crepe paper, to create an inferno effect. Tape “snowball” to bottom of the box.

If you have any other ideas, email us and we’ll post them. We bet you never knew we were so artistic. By the way, Rick is resting comfortably after slicing his finger off on the Tom Cruise doll.

2007-05-15T23:32:00.000-05:00

MOUNT RUSHMORE

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Let us put men and women together, see which one is smarter,
Some say men, but I say no, women got the men like a puppet show.

It ain’t me it’s the people that say, men are leading women astray,
I say, it’s the women today, smarter than the men in every way,
That’s right the women are smarter, the women are smarter that’s right.

"Men Smart, Women Smarter" by the Grateful Dead

We admit it. Our wives are smarter than us. In fact, we have no problem with it. There is very little downside. We aren’t asked our opinion on important stuff. When the computer is broken we don’t have to fix it. When our kids have homework, they insist on helping.

Sadly, we also have to admit that our sisters are smarter than us too. Both of them graduated Magna Cum Laude, while we graduated Magna Cum Lucky. Both of them were some sort of “dictatorian” in high school. Both of them left high paying jobs in the private sector so they could give back to the community by teaching.

And that’s a problem.

Honestly, we're not jealous of their achievements, and we aren't suffering from an inferiority complex just because our sisters are smarter (and better) than us. In fact, if our mothers didn't point this out at every possible occasion, we wouldn't even notice.

But oh how our mothers notice. Evidently, having a child do something worthwhile is a big deal with them. Who knew? Since we have allowed our sisters a more than 40 year head start, we have to do something big to catch up.

Really big.

We need you to sign this petition:

To: National Park Service, United States Department of the Interior and the United States Congress

We, the undersigned, urge that the likenesses of Richard J. Kaempfer (Resident of Mount Prospect, Illinois) and David F. Stern (Resident of Chicago, Illinois) be carved into Mount Rushmore located in South Dakota immediately. Whereas, we defer to your discretion, we would prefer that Mr. Kaempfer and Mr. Stern be placed to the left of Abraham Lincoln. This is in honor of Mr. Stern’s award winning sixth grade poem entitled, “Honest Abe, He Was Called”

We, the undersigned, feel that Mr. Kaempfer and Mr. Stern would provide perfect company for George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. Whereas, Mr. Kaempfer or Mr. Stern haven’t technically served as United States President they both have voted in nearly every presidential election since 1984. They also are no strangers to the rigors of the political process having run for Homecoming King (Richard) and Queen (David) at the University of Illinois in 1985.

Finally, the undersigned, urge that upon acceptance of this petition that Mr. Stern’s likeness be carved with a full-head of hair and Mr. Kaempfer’s likeness be carved with a small nose. In a thousand years, who will ever know?

That will surely impress our impossible-to-impress German bred mothers.

We figure we will need approximately 3,000,000 signatures. Currently we have 21. Actually, if you discount us and blood relatives we have 18. Yet, this small grassroots crusade is energized and gaining steam.

Look what some of the undersigned have said;

Ryan Maffett--HECK OF A POEM.... SIXTH GRADE TOO

Mama G Winters--For the love of all that is good, please comply with this simple request!

Michael Caron--All I know is there better be one hell of a dedication ceremony/party if ya know what I mean.

And our favorites:

Big Ron---Zieg Heil!

Osama---What up wit dat???

Please go to Dave & Rick on Mt. Rushmore petition and help us out. If you have the time, please forward it to as many people as you can.

If we do succeed, it will be a victory for all stupid brothers everywhere. Above all, mention it to our mothers every chance you get.

2007-05-09T01:35:00.000-05:00

THE AMERICAN DREAM

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

What is the American dream? If you work hard, and go the extra mile, your loyalty and diligence will be rewarded.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, in this largely unregulated free market era, nearly every industry has become dominated by huge corporations. Once you work for one of these soulless, faceless giants, the American dream doesn’t really apply anymore.

People can reward loyalty, diligence and hard work; corporations cannot. To a corporation, a worker is an expense. When it’s time to cut expenses, (and it will always eventually be time to cut expenses), loyalty, diligence and hard work rarely enter the equation. This is why Wall Street gets a boner when a corporation announces mass layoffs. Bye, bye expenses.

It’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

The person who rises to the top of this sort of business has to be cold, calculating, and detached in order to maximize profits. He must see the worker as a meaningless cog. A number. A part of the financial equation. No more. No less.

The boss’ job is to get maximum output from his overworked employees without raising expenses. The only way this can work is to have a bunch of people playing by the old rules, not realizing they no longer exist. By the time they figure it out, the boss has achieved his goals, and the employee can be replaced by someone else who hasn’t figured it out yet.

So what is a meaningless cog to do?

The way we see it, you really only have 3 options.

1) Keep banging your head into the wall expecting the old rules of the American dream to suddenly re-emerge. (Good luck with that approach)
2) Become one of the cold, calculating people that can rise to the top of the current system.
3) Spend your time making the people that do rise to the top as miserable as humanly possible.

More and more meaningless cogs want to opt for option #3 simply because option #1 doesn’t work, and option #2 is really rolling the dice with a potential afterlife destination.

Unfortunately, Option #3 is quite the high wire act. The level of difficulty has scared off more than a few employees. Everyone makes the same mistake. They look down. Don't look down. It's just a high wire. You can walk across that thing. You've done it a million times without even realizing it.

If you can implement a very sophisticated passive-aggressive arsenal, and you can manage to keep a straight face amidst a simmering red-faced boss—-buckle up for a high unlike any high you’ve (legally) experienced before.

Your good friends at Half Empty are here to help you develop some strategies, and overcome your fears. Come on out on the high wire. There's room for all of us.

Who should you target?

While it sure would be great to target your company’s CEO…he’s beyond your reach. If you go on the high wire outside his ivory tower, he'll just push you off. He does that sort of thing for fun. And when you fall from that kind of a height, you may never recover.

The local boss, however, is fair game. He has chosen Option #2 because he wants to become one of those untouchable guys in the ivory tower. It’s his goal. His weakness is that he isn't there yet...and his high wire is only a few feet off the ground.

How do you target him or her?

Here are a few hints to make your day more fun.

*Praise his rivals

Are there other Vice Presidents at the company on the same level as your boss? Start praising them every chance you get. Here are a few sample options. Feel free to customize them for your use.
1) “Boy that Dick Smith sure knows how to maximize those revenues. They must love him at corporate headquarters.”
2) “Have you seen Dick Smith’s house? Wow! Now, that’s a palace.”
3) “I was just talking to Gladys in Dick Smith’s department. I can’t believe the CEO calls him so often just to say hello.”

See how this works? You can’t possibly be fired for talking up another VP. You’re all on the same team, remember? You aren’t criticizing your boss—you’re complimenting a valued co-worker. How petty can your boss get? I sure hope Dick Smith or his good friend the CEO don’t hear about this firing.

*Call every woman in the office by his ex-wife’s name

And slap your head every time. “Sorry—I don’t know what is wrong with me. I apologize.” What if he doesn’t have an ex-wife? Please. They all have ex-wives. If by some miracle they don’t, then use the name of his secret mistress. (C’mon—that’s common office gossip knowledge, isn’t it?) If you’re worried about offending the other women in the office, simply tell them what you’re doing. You’ll probably find that they'll happily allow you to call them “Myrna,” once they know why. They’ve been looking for a way to enact Option #3 themselves. It’s win-win.

*Live up to the letter of the most ridiculous office policies

If you work in any industry that requires certain safety procedures, you’re golden. You know they don’t really want you to follow those rules—they just created them to legally cover their butts. See what happens when you really do it. If you don’t work in an industry like that, you still have options. Have your employee handbook on your person at all times, and open it to the page in question when the boss violates nitpicky company rules (“Hmmm, now where is that inappropriate office language section? Hmmm, now where did I read that part about personal phone calls? Hmmm, now where is that section about using the postage meter for personal correspondence?”)

*Baked goods

In a corporate environment there is always one or two suck ups that buy baked goods for the office. Somehow they think spending $4.70 on a dozen donuts will get them that big promotion. Use this to your advantage. Find out which donut your boss likes best and grab it before he does. Make sure you tell the suck up how delicious that pastry was within ear shot of the boss. He can't fire you for eating a strawberry bismark, now can he?

*Parking debris

If you work for one of those companies that reward their incompetent middle management with special parking spaces, you're in luck. Simply leave debris in their space before they arrive. Since, most of these schlubs don't get in until 10:00 AM this shouldn't be too difficult. Broken bottles, dead cats and hobos work best.

*Fake voicemails

In most offices there is one guy that can do a spot on impersonation of the CEO. Have him leave your boss a bogus voicemail at 4:40 on Friday afternoon. Somethinglike, "I'll need that Billingley report first thing Monday morning, and it better be complete". Your boss will spend the whole weekend trying to figure out who Billingsley is.

Think about it. How will your boss' boss react when he fires you for following or enforcing company rules?

Those are just a few to get you started.

If you’re a fellow Option #3er, we’d love to hear some of your suggestions, too. Send them via e-mail (anonymously is fine), and we’ll feature some of your ideas in a later column.

Remember, if you’re going to get fired anyway, you might as well get fired for something ridiculous like being too complimentary of coworkers, or being too much of a stickler for enforcing corporate rules.

That's the new American dream.

If you really want to see these techniques taken to their logical extreme, you’ll want to pick up a copy of Rick’s novel at www.encpress.com. The lead character (Zagorski) is the all-time king of the passive-aggressive irritators.

2007-05-01T23:43:00.000-05:00

"GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 2 (Anger)"

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 2 Anger, first apologizing for those who have displayed this bald anger before, then beginning to offer some tips on where the Stage 2 man should direct his anger.

Why are you so upset?

“I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore”
--Peter Finch, “Network”

Fullheads always ask bald people why we’re so upset about going bald. The following is a typical exchange.

Bald: “I can’t believe I’m losing my hair.”
Fullhead: “Oh get over it. What’s the big deal?”
Bald: “Get over it? GET over it? GET OVER it? GET OVER IT?”
Fullhead: “Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. You look fine.”
Bald: “Not a big deal? Give me your heart.”
Fullhead: “What?”
Bald: “Give your damn heart. Come here. I’m going to rip that heart right out of your body. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s only been a part of your body since birth and it’s going to be taken away for no good reason.”
Fullhead: “Get away from me, man.”
Bald: “Give me your heart. I’m going to rip it out of your body and show it to you as a constant reminder of what you used to have.”
Fullhead: “Let go weirdo.”
Bald: “I…want…that….heart.”
Fullhead: “Heeey. That hurts, stop it.”
Bald: “It’s not…that big…of…a deal. (Riiiiip)
Fullhead: Aaaeeeeeaaaaah!
Bald: “Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. You look fine.”

Historical Anger

For all of the incredible achievements of bald people, we have had a few bad moments. Stage Two-ers have a tendency to get a little irritable, and sometimes act out in inappropriate ways. We’re betting that even Gandhi had a few of these moments while he was going through Stage Two. It’s probably best to acknowledge the most egregious examples of inappropriate anger right now and get past it, so we can move on to more constructive ways of displaying your anger today.

The Romans

OK, we’ll admit that the Romans had a bit of a balding problem. Virtually all of their emperors were losing their hair, and that might have led to a cranky outburst or two. There was that whole throwing the Christians to the lions thing, and Nero’s burning of the entire city, and the attempted take over of the world thing, but let’s face it, life was no picnic for Roman Emperors. Julius Caesar, for instance, was quite literally stabbed in the back by Fullheads Brutus and Cassius. That sort of behavior has a tendency to cause anger too. We’re not excusing the Emperor’s behavior, just identifying the cause of it. The Roman Emperors were Stage Two-ers looking for a little compassion. If they had gotten it, everything would have been fine.

The Crusades

OK, King Richard of England did lead the bloody crusades to the Holy Land leaving death and destruction in his wake. But did you know that King Richard was a balding man? Does anyone ever take the pain he must have been enduring into account? No.

He fits the profile of a Stage Two-er so perfectly. First, he wanted to get as far away (Isolation) as he could possibly go. Then after he got away and his problem didn’t go away (balding head), he reached Stage Two. Instead of celebrating King Richard as a man who was evolving through the stages of hair loss grieving, most of the world considers him a mass murderer. You can call his critics whatever you want. We call them “small minded.”

The Great Explorers

OK, despite the glowing reviews we gave them last month, we’ll admit that the Great Explorers during the 15th and 16th centuries had their faults too. Yes, Christopher Columbus and his men allegedly raped and killed thousands of natives when they landed on the island that is now Haiti and the Dominican Republic. Yes, Pizarro allegedly had natives of Peru torn apart by dogs if they didn’t accept Jesus as their savior. Yes, Sir Francis Drake was a slave trader, who built his fortune by harvesting human flesh. Yes, Captain Cook’s exploits in Hawaii make him a hated figure there amongst the natives to this day. But they were hurting inside. And nobody cared.

Victorian England

The English of the 19th Century were notoriously balding. Nearly every politician and statesman from the era grew a gigantic beard to offset his balding head while in Stage One, and when he reached Stage Two, he and his fellow Stage Two-ers had a tendency to try and colonize the entire world. One classic Stage Two-er took out his anger on his own people instead.

Ebenezer Scrooge never killed anyone, but the miserly man let his countrymen starve by giving them juice loans and then foreclosing on their properties when they couldn’t pay him. His anger was so intense he even made his Fullhead employee Bob Cratchitt work on Christmas. But did anyone ever try to understand the source of Ebenezer’s anger? No.

Who should you hate during Stage 2?

The easy answer is: everyone. The more educated answer is: there are some great historical targets.

A Picture is worth a Thousand Tears

Until the late nineteenth century, photography was a very expensive hobby that only boasted the very rich as its devotees. There were large segments of the population that had never seen a camera, let alone owned one. However, in 1888 a jerk named George Eastman decided it was time to perfect a camera that could be marketed to the masses.

If he had never been born, there would be few, if any pictures of you with hair. You would be forever spared the gut wrenching pain of stumbling upon a photo from your youth. There would be no lonely afternoons gazing longingly at the worn and tattered photos of your long gone hair. There would have been no time wasted gently stroking and gingerly kissing those old photos. Think of what our people could have accomplished.

If you’re going to hate…and you are…it’s part of Stage 2, my friend…spend a little bit of time hating George Eastman.

Keeping them in the Dark

The Middle Ages were a time of much joy and happiness for our people. Fullheads were dying in droves and we were generally left alone. Living with disease-carrying rats really wasn’t all that bad. Also, let’s not forget that the Middle Ages were also called the “DARK Ages.” Whereas, historians generally agree that the Dark Ages ended in 1400 we feel they concluded much later.

In 1880 Thomas Edison and Joseph Swan teamed up and produced the first practical light bulb. Until that time, light bulbs would burn out too quickly or set the town on fire. After news of their invention spread, everyone had to have electric light in their homes. You know how fads are.

Simpletons often ask, “Weren’t candles and gas lights used before Edison?” Yes, they were and we didn’t like them much either. However, candles and gas lights didn’t produce the same illumination as the light bulb. In fact, some of the shadows these lights produced actually made us look like we had more hair.

If you’re going to hate…and you are…it’s part of Stage 2, my friend…spend a little bit of time hating Thomas Edison.

WTF are you looking at?

It’s generally accepted that the Chinese first developed eyeglasses sometime before the thirteenth century. However, the Chinese version was quite cumbersome, and eyeglasses didn’t gain widespread popularity until the 18th century. That’s when a London optician named Edward Scarlett devised the rigid side arms that rest atop the ears. His invention allowed the popularity of eyeglass to soar.

Before 1730, our people were having their way with farsighted women left and right. We were “enjoying the company” of gals with astigmatisms almost at will. This Scarlett guy comes along and reduces our chances by about eighty percent. Thanks a lot fella. Thankfully, no Fullhead has found a cure for many forms of blindness yet.

If you’re going to hate…and you are…it’s part of Stage 2, my friend…spend a little bit of time hating Edward Scarlett.

Living in the past, hating for the future

Let us reiterate that your time in Anger and Rage is fleeting. Use this guide as a sort of beginner’s syllabus for hate. Please keep in mind that George Eastman, Thomas Edison, and Edward Scarlett, are just a few of the historical figures that deserve our fury. Remember, there’s a limitless supply of graves that need to be defaced and you don’t have much time. Don’t forget the middle of the night crank phone calls to their descendants either.

2007-04-25T16:16:00.000-05:00

COMMUNITY SHOWERS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Concerned reader “B” writes:

“Do you belong to a gym?

I have this one pet peeve that has really been bothering me lately.

I have spent my entire life trying to keep men from being behind me when I am naked. When I get out of the shower at the gym and am drying off, guys will often walk past me on their way to the shower. Most will walk in front of me, but some insist on walking behind me.

Being naked and sometimes bending over to dry various body parts, I find it disturbing to have a naked man behind me when I am at my most vulnerable. To combat this, I try standing closer to the wall so that they will walk in front of me. Sometimes even this doesn’t work.

Naked guy literally has to turn sideways to get through when there is 10 feet of open space in front of me. WTF!

Also, when I am naked, don’t talk to me. Some guy said something to me while I was in the shower at the gym. Of course I couldn’t hear him because I was in the shower. That means I have to go over to hear him say “I like your rings” and point to my earrings. I’m strongly considering going back to work without showering.

What do you guys recommend I do?”

Well, "B," we understand why you would bring this problem to our attention. You can probably tell by looking at us that we’re both gym rats who spend quite a bit of time working out. We certainly weren’t born with these guns and abs.

Let us address your concerns, point by point.

Unlike women, who enjoy lathering and soaping each other tenderly in the shower (we’ve seen the movies), men are not big fans of touching or looking at each other while nude. It begs the question—Why hasn’t anyone spelled out the etiquette rules to avoid this most uncomfortable situation?

There's no excuse for that oversight.

That's why today, we're officially posting the "Unofficial Community Shower Rules For Men." Men, follow these rules to the letter and no one will be hurt or blinded.

Rule #1: Never walk behind a nude man when you are also nude.

What if you slip and fall forward? That’s the sort of forceful bodily contact that will haunt you forever. If it’s impossible to pass by another nude man without allowing at least ten feet of space, stay where you are until he leaves.

Rule #2: Conversations among nude men are strictly forbidden.

Think of the potential problems. “B” points out the problem of not hearing well when the water is running, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Even if you can hear the other nude man, what are you doing with your eyes? If you maintain eye contact, you will creep him out. Nobody likes unflinching eye contact like that. You’ll probably make the other nude guy so uncomfortable, it will force him to avert his eyes, and then…what is he looking at? If you don’t maintain eye contact, it’s even worse. It's best to pretend like the other guy isn't even there.

Rule #3: Hurry up, dammit.

The only acceptable thing to do in the community shower is to get in, wash as quickly as possible without washing certain areas as thoroughly as you normally would in one of your longer showers at home, go back to your locker without coming within ten feet of another nude man, dry as quickly as possible, and then get your clothes on as quickly as possible.

Rule #4: Resume normal activities only when fully clothed.

When every man within ten to fifteen feet is also clothed, you may return to your normal social activities. At this point, a high five, and/or a fist-bump would be perfectly acceptable.

How is it possible that these rules have never been spelled out before?

Without rules and boundaries, group male nudity has been known to take weird and unexpected turns. How weird? Well, when Dave was still in high school (Lane Tech in Chicago), his gym teacher made the boys take nude group showers before group nude swimming, followed by more group nude showers….but he made them wear swimming caps.

Dave’s community shower career has also been touched by celebrity. When Dave attended the University of Illinois, he shared a dorm floor community shower with two well known Fighting Illini basketball players (both of whom eventually played in the NBA.). Isn’t it wrong that Dave knows details about these two gentlemen that most groupies won’t find out until they camp out in a hotel lobby and volunteer to bring up room service with a “special” dessert?

If society insists on maintaining community showers, we have a suggestion for improving the concept. Instead of having men shower with other men and women shower with other women, community showers should be strictly coed.

Settle down girls, we hear your concerns.

We know you gals would miss soaping and lathering each other, so that activity would still be permitted. We won’t mind. Honest. Not in the slightest.

On the other hand, you could also simply soap and lather men instead. Don’t forget, men will need extra attention after their previously rushed showers to avoid uncomfortable-male-on-male nudity moments. A little expert soaping and lathering would be good for everyone. It’s win-win.

It’s the only way to keep America clean, safe, and comfortable.

Think about it America. The time has come.

2007-04-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

"I SWEAR I DON'T HATE THE CUBS..."

By Dave Stern

If the Cubs played the Nazis I’d root for the Nazis.

I can hear Harry and Steve’s call right now:

Harry: Two outs bottom of the ninth and the Cubs are up by three. George Gobel digs in at the plate.

Steve: Actually Harry, the batter’s name is Joseph Goebbels. George Gobel was an American born comedian who starred on the Hollywood Squares in the seventies. Joseph Goebbels is the fine Nazi 3rd Baseman who also runs their PR department.

Harry: Rick Sutcliffe on the mound.

Steve: Ironically, Sutcliffe’s nickname is the “Red Baron”.

Harry: Goering on third, the evasive Eichmann on second and Albert Speer on first. You know Steve, Speer backwards is Reeps. The wind up and the pitch. Goebbels hits a deep drive into center. This could go. It might be, it could be, it is! The Nazis have beaten the Cubs in the bottom of the ninth.

Steve: The team is mobbing Goebbels as he crosses the plate. They sure have an odd way of high fiving.

I was different from the other boys in my neighborhood. While my buddies were ogling playboy pictorials of Adrienne Barbeau, I got my blood engorging excitement from watching the chiseled good looking Mike Schmidt break the hearts of the Cubs with bottom of the ninth heroics. The first time I saw the Cubs blow a game in the ninth I got a Cubby Flubby Chubby.

It’s no wonder I grew up as an Anti-Cubite. My father was an avid Cub racist. When he moved to this country in 1950 his first American friend taught him English through baseball. Whereas, most off-the-boat Germans are taught phrases like, “Excuse me, where can I buy a good strudel?” my father was taught, “Hank Sauer, you suck!” Martin Dryer was a White Sox fan and he indoctrinated my dad into the wonderful world of white hot Sox hate.

When I was born thirteen years later, my dad schooled me on the ways of hate. Some of my fondest early memories revolve around criticizing and ridiculing the Cubs storied battery of Paul Reuschel and Steve Swisher. Just thinking about the ineptitude of Pete LaCock and Ken Frailing still gets me all weepy. My dad and I were White Sox fans and the bond we shared should have lasted forever. Alas, the ways of rebellious adolescence and peer pressure would temporarily halt such gleeful times.

Right around the time I was twelve I started to stray from my people. All my friends were Cub fans and I was beginning to feel isolated from my buddies. I already was the only Jewish kid in the neighborhood so I desperately felt the need to fit in. That’s when I became indifferent to the Cubs and actually found myself going to Wrigley and not hating them with every fiber of my being. I even praised Manny Trillo once in front of my father just to push his buttons. I was living a lie but was too young and stupid to know it.

In 1977 my dad passed away and we buried him at Graceland Cemetery on Irving Park and Clark. I remember hearing the muffled cheers from the 8,200 fans at Wrigley during his gravesite service. Sadly, I didn’t realize the cruel irony of the location of his final interment. Thankfully, the cheers have been few and far between in the thirty years since his death.

During the next six years, baseball became an afterthought and I paid little attention to it. Then came 1983 and by the grace of God and Carlton Fisk I was reborn. The White Sox won 99 games and came within a half a Falstaff of the World Series. Sure, losing to the Orioles was a bitter pill to swallow, but the old feelings of pride were stirred once again. This time for good.

My justified and totally understandable Cub hatred was still absent until the following year. The Cubs luckily got into the playoffs and were playing the Padres for a trip to the World Series. They were up two games and were a lock to win the pennant. That’s when Rick’s Cub smugness surfaced.

After game two, the subtle taunts and innuendos started. Rick conveniently has failed to mention his constant remarks about how the Cubs would finally bring Chicago their long awaited championship. He couldn’t stop talking about how beautiful Wrigley’s gold ivy would look in the crisp autumn sun during the World Series. “Hey Dave,” he would innocently ask, “Do you think that Sutcliffe can win 2 games in the series.” Evidently, Rick had forgotten that it was only a year since my beloved team lost in the ALCS. The wounds were still open and Rick couldn’t help himself from sticking salty nachos in it.

He would refer to the team as, “his Cubbies.”

“Wow, Rick owns the Cubs and he’s eating Ramen noodles everyday in college, he sure is a man of the people,” I thought.

He would wear a “Cub Power” shirt every day further rubbing my nose in it. He also did the absolute worst Harry Caray impersonation morning, noon and night. He even referred to all the players by their dumbass nicknames: Ryno, Sarge, The Bull, Penguin, Eck blah blah blah.

Yet, through all of this I took the high ground. I was happy for Rick, his team was about to win, good for him. In fact, I even wanted to watch game four with him so I could witness his joy. For the record, Stu and I did high five after Steve Garvey hit that homerun. It was totally innocent-- Stu got an “A” on his Women Studies paper about social inequalities resulting from sexism, and I was just congratulating him. We were barely paying attention to the game. Now we’re the bad guys.

That’s when I was viciously assaulted by Rick and his Cub fan roommate, Skub (again with the nicknames). I was deeply hurt when I was thrown out of the apartment. I realized at that moment that smug Cub fans make the Grinch (before he compromised his Grinch values) look like Mother Theresa. The latent hatred I felt as a young boy was rekindled on that glorious October 1984 evening and remain a part of me to this day.

Twenty plus years have passed since I was persecuted by Rick and he’s never apologized. In fact, the White Sox have been the focus of his petty barbs and insults ever since. When I say petty, I mean PETTY.

For example, Rick mentions the Sox attendance pretty much every day. For some unexplained reason he gets some satisfaction that the Cubs draw more than the Sox. I guess when you were the least popular kid in high school you need to have a sense of belonging. For the record some pretty awful things have also been very popular (Fascism, the Macarena, Ricky Martin and Zima are just a few that come to mind.) I can’t wait to attend the big attendance trophy parade.

He also makes condescending remarks about Sox fans and their moral upbringing. In short, he thinks that all Sox fans live in trailer homes and have tattoos. This all stems from the misunderstood “William Ligue” incident. If you remember, tattooed and drunken White Sox fans William Ligue and son ALLEGEDLY stormed the field and beat up Kansas City’s first base coach, Tom Gamboa.

First off, the evidence is sketchy at best. With a Mac and some cheap software you can produce a video of a pig flying. Second, no one ever says anything bad about Tom Gamboa. Everyone seems to forget that he had his base runners take an extra base on two occasions in the first three innings. We were in pennant race for Pete’s sake. Give Ligue some credit; he took his son to a ball game.

Speaking of moral deficiencies, Rick idolizes people of dubious distinction. Take Sammy Sosa for instance. After witnessing Sammy’s home run hop one day at Wrigley, I mentioned that he was a bit of a bad sport. Rick said that Sammy wasn’t a show boat but an “entertainer.” For the record, the only entertaining Sammy sang Mr. Bojangles. If you want to make excuses for a steroid eating, cork using clown go right ahead. By the way, didn’t the Cubs draft Ben Christensen? For those of you who don’t remember, Ben Christensen was the guy who beaned a batter…while he was in THE ONDECK CIRCLE!

Rick also mutters that the White Sox 2005 World Series Championship wasn’t earned. He blubbers that when AJ stole first base in the ALCS he cheated. Who would you rather have; a smart hardnosed catcher that wills his team to victory or a meanie who slugs people without provocation? You can shove the 2005 World Series trophy right up your asterisk.

The Cubs are nearing a hundred years since their last championship. How could God smite such a faithful fan base with a century of futility? It’s because of you, Rick. God is punishing all those “loyal” fans filling the bleachers because you are a condescending little man. You are depriving all those cell phone wielding Susie Sorority’s and Frankie Fratboy’s a chance to wave at the cameras on national television in October.

Not only do I hate you, but so do they.

P.S. For the record I would only root for the Nazis during the baseball game. After that, not so much.

P.S.S. If anyone from the Cubs front office reads this piece, my buddy Andy has a Cub logo tattooed on his shoulder. Knowing your past litigious ways, I assume you will want his personal information to sue for trademark infringement. Give me a call.

2007-04-11T00:03:00.000-05:00

I SWEAR I DON'T HATE THE WHITE SOX...

By Rick Kaempfer

I actually grew up liking the White Sox.

I always preferred the Cubs, but I never understood why it was necessary to also hate the White Sox, so I didn’t.

That changed in October of 1984. I was 21 years old at the time, a college junior, living in an apartment at the University of Illinois. Most of my friends, including the guy who normally writes this column with me (Dave Stern), were Sox fans. At first, their petty jealousy about the Cubs' drive toward the World Series didn’t bother me. I thought it was a little pathetic that they couldn’t let it go around me—-especially since I was rooting for the White Sox the previous year when they were in the playoffs—-but I figured, consider the source.

I hadn’t counted on Steve Garvey.

For those of you who don’t remember what happened that year, the Cubs were up 2 games to zip over the San Diego Padres. They only needed to win one more game to go the World Series, and they had three chances to do it. They lost pretty convincingly in Game 3.

Game 4 was another story. The Cubs had the lead late in the game when Steve Garvey came up to bat. I was watching the game in my living room surrounded by Sox fans, led by my good friends Dave and Stu. Just before Garvey stepped into the batter’s box, Stu declared: “He’s going deep.” I scoffed outwardly, but inwardly my intestines were twirled into a knot.

When Garvey lived up to Stu’s prediction, I was stunned—-it’s a moment that still stings today—-a young life forever altered, an optimistic young lad transformed into a bitter, cynical old man in the blink of an eye. I saw the world clearly for the first time—-there was no joy or happiness on this planet—-life was just going to be a series of bone-crushing disappointments leading up to my eventual death.

Seeing your best friend’s hopes and dreams crushed in such a dramatic fashion would have given most humans with actual feelings a moment’s pause.

Not stereotypical Sox fans Stu and Dave.

No sir. Stu and Dave took that moment, which incidentally was the worst moment of my life at the time, to high-five each other right over my head. They were giggling with glee.

Their hatred of the Cubs was stronger than their affection for their best friend.

That showed me what it meant to be a Sox fan. I figured I had to choose at that moment. The way I figured it, I had three choices.

#1: Take the high five in the spirit it was intended, laugh about it, become one of them, and eventually enter the gates of Hell with no soul.
#2: Get a gun and blow their brains out.
#3: Sever all ties with the White Sox forever.

I chose #3 because I didn’t have a gun in the house.

I’ve never looked back.

The only problem with this plan was that I didn’t have the blackened soul to properly counteract the dark, dark hate of the White Sox fan. I wasn’t a heartless beast roaming the earth, devouring sunshine for breakfast, ravenously gorging myself on my fellow man’s good will for lunch and dinner, sucking away the last few vestiges of the Earth’s hope and love with my empty vacuuming soul.

I tried. I really did. I went to the '93 White Sox playoffs and tried to root against the Sox. I sat right next to Dave…but all I felt was pity. I was a friend first, a hater second.

Dave repaid my restraint by calling me up during Cubs no-hitters so he could be on the phone with me to hear the disappointment in my voice during the inevitable hit. I’m not kidding. He actually did that. Each time he did it, the no-hitter was ruined.

We went to the Cubs-Sox games together the first couple of years they played against each other, but more often than not, I was just setting myself up for more despair. One year when the Sox swept the Cubs at Wrigley, he brought a broom, and swept me.

During the 2003 Bartman debacle, I wouldn’t answer the phone. Later he claimed he was just calling to offer sympathy—he claimed he actually felt sorry for the Cubs.

Right.

During the 2005 World Series, I went to Game 2 with Dave. Scott Podsednik hit the home run to win it in the ninth, and the ball fell about twenty rows in front of us. Dave, a man that had actual evil pulsing through his veins, was being rewarded for his behavior. It just didn’t make sense to me.

It wasn’t until I went to buy a beer that I understood. While the White Sox fan in front of me was buying a beer, he turned around and pointed at me.

“I’m buying for this guy too,” he said. “This is a day to celebrate.”

That’s when it hit me. God wasn’t rewarding Dave; he was rewarding other White Sox fans, many of whom are actual human beings with decency and regard for their fellow man. I realized at that moment, that I didn’t hate all Sox fans.

I only hate Dave.

Next week, Dave responds.

2007-04-04T00:03:00.000-05:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS-- DENIAL (Part 4)

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Isolation.

You’re Not the First

Isolation seems like such a logical solution to the problem of hair loss, but we have to believe that anyone who chooses it hasn’t really thought through the process. History is strewn with men who believed that isolation was the only answer.

The Jews

You can understand the appeal of Moses’ pitch to his (largely balding) people. We just go that-a-way and we’ll get to the Promised Land.

“Away from the taunting and mocking? Lead the way, Moses.”

But Moses wasn’t exactly Mr. Rand McNally. After about twenty years of chewing sand and peeling burnt skin from their bald pates, you would think they would have given up. But no. Why not? Were they running toward something or away from it? They did another twenty years of wandering. What was the turning point? It might have been the subtle taunt from Moses to his balding followers when he “parted” the Red Sea. That was uncalled for.

The Great Explorers

The Age of Exploration was the time between the end of the Middle Ages and the beginning of the Renaissance. This was a dark time for bald people because the wig had not yet become popularized. Is it a coincidence that this is also a time that seemingly healthy men volunteered to go on boats without the slightest notion of where they might land? Classic isolation.

• Christopher Columbus vowed to prove the world was round, even if it meant he might sail off the end of a flat Earth. That suicide mission didn’t turn out so well for him. He hit land.
• Magellan said he would sail around the world. He obviously thought that voyage would never end, but it did when his men got sick of his whining and killed him during a mutiny.
• Ponce De Leon didn’t even bother coming up with a lame excuse like Columbus or Magellan. His stated claim says it all: He was looking for the Fountain of Youth. You have to love the ironic place he hit land: Florida.
• Marco Polo went looking for the Orient. Is that far enough away for you?
• Amerigo Vespucci, the man after whom both South America and North America are named, spent his years at sea “calculating the circumference of the Earth.” Sorry, Amerigo. There is no escape.

Realizing the purpose of these “explorations” makes it a little easier to understand what happened when the Great Explorers eventually landed on the shores of the New World. It doesn’t excuse the killing and the spreading of disease, but it explains it.

The American Explorers

The quest for isolation and escape didn’t end with the arrival and colonization of the New World. Even after the U.S. became a country, our balding brothers faced their own moments of truth when some nice young gal at the pillories or the latest Minuet-social glanced in the wrong direction repeatedly. For some, it meant embracing the wig. For others, it was: “Let’s see how big this country really is.” It’s big. But it’s not big enough.

• Daniel Boone went into the Appalachian Mountains thinking they would never end. Whoops.
• Lewis & Clark volunteered to go deep into the wilderness “looking for a passage to the Pacific Ocean.” Mmm Hmm. Don’t think that Fullhead President Jefferson wasn’t cracking up when he sent them a female guide; Sacagawea. Sacagawea is actually the Native American word for ‘that beaver hat isn’t fooling anyone fellas.’
• Zebulon Pike went to northern Minnesota looking for the source of the Mississippi in 1805. Right. A man volunteering to go to northern Minnesota. Nothing suspicious about that.

Within a hundred years or so, balding man realized that there was no place to hide within the continental United States. That just sent him on a more extreme course.

The Poles

We aren’t referring to the countrymen of our all-time favorite Pope. We’re referring to the most extreme examples of Earthly isolation. History has recorded their names for other reasons, but we know the real reason these three famous men spent their days and nights in the most Godforsaken parts of our planet.

• Commander Peary, the first man credited with reaching the North Pole, was a balding man.
• Roald Amundson, the first man credited with reaching the South Pole, was a balding man.
• Santa Claus, the only resident of the North Pole, is a bald man.

The stories of the men who first reached the Poles are sad enough, but the story of the man who chose to remain there has to be the saddest story of all. It’s textbook isolation. Over the years his isolation has gotten so bad that he only comes out one night year. It’s enough to break to your heart.

Space

Men spent years training for this chance. They put their lives on the line. The space suit was tempting enough; it covered what they wanted to cover. But the location of the voyage was the real tip-off to their actual motivation. Think we’re being unfair to our heroic astronauts? Get out your astronaut scorecards.

• Neil Armstrong—balding.
• John Glenn—bald.
• Buzz Aldren—balding.
• Jean Luc Picard—bald.
• James T. Kirk—hairpiece.

Lessons Learned

What have our bald ancestors taught us about using Isolation to avoid confronting your balding head? There is no place to hide.

Where are you going to go? A deserted island? It’s no better there. Gilligan, the Skipper, and the Professor all had full heads of hair and couldn’t get anywhere with Ginger and Mary Ann. You would have had the same luck—unless they secretly love men with peeling scalps.

Are you going to hide out in the tundra of Siberia or the most remote portion of Greenland? Fine, but remember that there are two definitions of ‘blue balls’ and you’re going to experience both of them there.

Of course, in this 24 hour delivery world, there is no reason to go to extremes. You can just hide out in your house or apartment all day long without having to interact with any other humans. Try that if you want, but at least one night a year another guy just like you will come down your chimney uninvited. And if he doesn’t get his milk and cookies, he’s no less judgmental than anybody else.

2007-03-28T00:03:00.000-05:00

MIDWEST LAWS QUIZ

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

How well do you know the laws in the midwest? Take our handy "Midwest Laws" quiz. Those of you that don't live in Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, or Wisconsin can be forgiven for not performing well on this quiz...the rest of you have no excuse.

Let's begin.

1. Animals
Which of the following Animal Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not make faces at dogs
B) You may not catch a fish with your bare hands
C) You may not make a monkey smoke a cigarette
D) You may not “worry” a squirrel
E) You may not make balloon animals that are “anatomically correct”

2. “Adult Relations”
Which of the following “Adult Relations” Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not have “adult relations” while hunting or fishing on your wedding day
B) You may not seduce or corrupt (“have adult relations with”) an unmarried girl
C) You may be arrested for “statutory relations” if your automobile passenger is under 17 and is not wearing socks or shoes
D) You may not fire a gun in the air because your woman has reached the pinnacle of “adult relations”
E) You may not have “adult relations” during halftime of a football game unless one team leads by more than seventeen points.

3. Sunday
Which of the following Sunday Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not hum on public streets on Sunday
B) You may not collect rags on Sunday
C) You may not scowl at your wife on Sunday
D) You may not clean out your garage on Sunday

4. Hair
Which of the following Hair Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) Barbers may not threaten to cut off a kid’s ears
B) A woman may not cut her hair without her husband’s permission
C) It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair
D) A man with a mustache may not kiss a woman
E) A man with a mullet may not kiss a woman

5. Wildcard (defying category)
Which of the following Wildcard Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not jostle others.
B) You may not throw an abandoned hoopskirt into the street
C) You may not attend a movie within four hours of eating garlic
D) You may not serve butter substitutes in prison
E) You may not show your wedding photos to a group of men

Answers: E, E, D, E, E. (These are not actual laws, but we highly recommend implementing them.)

The rest of the laws in our quiz are (or were) real laws somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan.

Here's a little bit more about these actual laws. We're not kidding. Really.

Animals

This is by far the most stocked category of our region’s Best Laws. The first four laws we mentioned in the quiz are (or were) actual laws. In Normal, Illinois (ironically) it is against the law to make faces at a dog. In Indiana it is against the law to catch a fish with your bare hands. In La Crosse, Wisconsin it is illegal to worry a squirrel (“Hey Squirrel! Social Security will go bankrupt in 2042!). In South Bend Indiana, you may not make a monkey smoke a cigarette. In fact, it happened once in 1924, resulting in a $25 fine.

Adult Relations

We're betting that a lot of you guessed (A) for my adult relations quiz; the law about having adult relations while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. It just sounds like a fake law, but don’t tell that to the people of Oblong, Illinois. The law about seducing or corrupting an unmarried girl is a Michigan law enacted in 1931. The law about shooting off your gun (and they mean an actual gun here despite the context) after your woman experiences the “ultimate” in adult relations comes from the sleepy little town of Connorsville, Wisconsin. And that wonderful law about having a passenger in your car less than seventeen years of age with no socks and shoes on, that’s courtesy of the fine state of Indiana.

Sunday

We just love the law about humming on public streets on Sunday. This is against the law in Cicero, Illinois, former home-base of Al Capone. “Welcome to our fine town, Mr. Capone, but you there humming those church hymns after services, we’re taking you down to the slammer.” The law about collecting rags on Sunday has been added to the collection from Indianapolis, Indiana. And just so no one feels we’re slighting Michigan, the law against scowling at your wife on Sunday is from Detroit. They probably stopped enforcing it after hearing, “But officer, that wasn’t a scowl, it was a frown,” one too many times.

Only Wisconsin doesn’t have an odd Sunday law on the books. But then again, the Packers play on Sunday. Watching the Packers isn’t a law; it’s a commandment.

Hair

We would just like to say to the fine people of Elkhart, Indiana that it is about time somebody started cracking down on those barbers threatening children. Now if we could only get a law on the books banning parents from saying your eyes will stay that way if you cross them. That’s a freebie for a local legislature in one of our fine states.

The law about a woman cutting her hair without her husband’s permission is one of those laws (from Michigan by the way) that paints an immediate visual portrait, doesn’t it? Can’t you just picture that poor husband who came home one day expecting Peggy Lipton but got Judy Carne instead? These things need to be gradual. The more general law against cutting a woman’s hair comes from Wisconsin. No wonder Wisconsin’s own Tyne Daly didn’t become famous until leaving the state and cutting her hair.

As for the Eureka, Illinois law about mustachioed men being banned from kissing women; you may scoff at it, but there hasn’t been a Tony Orlando sighting in that town since the law was put on the books. And a similar law exists in Indiana, although the wording is slightly different. In Indiana mustaches are only illegal if the wearer has a tendency to habitually kiss women. And let’s face it; every state should have a law that pertains only to Burt Reynolds.

Wildcard

Each of the first four wildcard laws from the quiz is real and we should note their origin. In Galesburg, Illinois (probably the wackiest community in America), it is against the law to jostle others. In Grand Haven Michigan we’d like to think they’ve finally gotten that mad “hoop skirt discarding” problem under control by now. If not, it’s a $5 fine. In Gary Indiana, they really didn’t allow persons in a movie house (or a public streetcar for that matter) within four hours of eating garlic. And in Wisconsin they take the Dairy State title seriously enough to ban butter substitutes in prisons. Imagine the added cruelty of a prison sentence without margarine. It’s almost unthinkable.

A lesson learned

After doing the research on these laws it became painfully obvious to us that they all had one thing in common; they were probably instituted because of one specific incident. Therein lies the lesson for local and state legislatures. Think long term before you actually commit something like this to the books.

Here’s a rule of thumb: If somebody laughs when you say the new law, it’s probably not a good law.

2007-03-21T00:03:00.000-05:00

SOMEONE WATCHING OVER YOU

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Not to be a bummer, but both of us are members of the dead parents club. Dave lost his father when he was only 13, and Rick lost his father when he was 25.

In other words, it’s been awhile.

When you lose a close family member, it’s really comforting to feel like they are watching over you, helping you through the tough times, and picking you up when you fall down.

On the other hand, do we really want them watching over us all the time?

Think about it. For every one moment you feel them helping you, how many moments do you want them to look away? For us the ratio is about 1:50. So what can you do when you don't want them to watch? Is there any way to distract someone in heaven? Try it.

“Hey Dad! Look behind you there! Is that John Wayne?”

That didn't work, did it? Maybe it's not such a great idea to have them watching over us all the time.

A fellow dead parents club friend of ours has a slightly different theory. He believes that his deceased mother looks over him, but only when he summons her.

But that’s not really a solution either.

What if you just happen to think about your deceased father when you’re buying a five dollar cup of coffee or a Japanese car? Can you feel his disapproving glare?

What if something reminds you of your mother when you eat your dessert before dinner, or sleep until noon, or wear a baseball hat in a restaurant?

Go ahead and try to distract her (“Hey Mom! Look behind you there! Is that Clark Gable?”), but we know it won't work, don't we?

If she can see, she can see. There’s no escape. You can’t hide in the bathroom. She can see through walls. Go ahead and close the door behind you. She can see through doors. She's stronger than Superman. There’s no kryptonite in heaven.

Your dead parent can see when you let your kids watch five hours of television.

She can see when you don’t hold the door for the old lady.

He can see when you pay somebody to shovel your sidewalk, or mow your lawn, or clean your house, when you're perfectly capable of doing that yourself.

Plus here’s another problem with the summoning theory. If your dead parent can hear when you summon them in your thoughts, that means they can get inside your mind.

Once they get inside, they’ll know everything. They’ll know about all the times you were “studying” with your girlfriend or boyfriend. They’ll know about all the times you looked them right in the eye and lied. Think about that. There’s not a single thought you can hide from them. They’ll even know the things you don’t dare say out loud. Those thoughts that you suppress deep in the recesses of your mind are still in there, and mom and/or dad could be listening to them right now.

In fact, if you believe in the summoning theory, since you’re summoning all of those terrible things you’ve said, done, or thought right now-- at exactly the same time you’re thinking about your dead parent--you’ve just put it all in a nice tidy summoning package. They won't even need to go searching for your disgusting inner-thoughts.

Way to go, sicko.

Do you feel her watching over you now? Yup. That answers the question, doesn’t it?

Sweet dreams.

Wait a second…she can probably see and hear your dreams too. Even THAT one.

Buckle up, bucko. When your deceased parent sees you again, you’re going to be grounded forever. And when they say forever this time, they really mean forever.

If that’s not an incentive to live a more healthy lifestyle, we don’t know what is.

2007-03-14T00:03:00.000-05:00

THE HIDDEN MEANINGS OF FLOWERS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Remember when flowers were considered the perfect gift for women? You could get them for your wife, your mother, your female friends, or your female co-workers—and nobody thought a thing of it—other than “Awwww. That’s so thoughtful.”

Those days are over. If you haven’t bought flowers for a woman lately, you’ve missed a complete transformation of flower society. Flowers are still considered a perfect gift, but now they are too perfect.

Man: I like to buy some red roses please.

Florist: Oh your wife will love these.

Man: It’s not for my wife.

Florist: Your girlfriend?

Man: No…a co-worker.

Florist: Do you want her to be your girlfriend?

Man: No...

Florist: Oh dear.

Man: What?

Florist: Red roses mean love.

Man: Oh. Sorry. Make it pink roses then.

Florist: Excellent choice. Would you like a soft gentle pink or a deeper pink?

Man: Um….

Florist: Deeper pink conveys a message of gratitude.

Man: Well…I’m getting her flowers because she got a promotion. It’s not exactly gratitude.

Florist: Are you her boss or is she your boss?

Man: Um…we’re sort of equals I guess.

Florist: Soft gentle pink conveys a message of admiration.

Man: Well, I guess admire her…

Florist: (grinning) In a slightly, where can this lead us, sort of way?

Man: No.

Florist: Then I’d recommend staying away from the soft gentle pink.

Man: What about white roses.

Florist: White roses say “You’re heavenly.”

Man: No. What about those peach roses?

Florist: Desire and Zest.

Man: No. The dark ones?

Florist: You mean the burgundy? Those mean “unconscious beauty.”

Man: No. The yellow?

Florist: Yellow roses stand for joy and happiness.

Man: Yeah…that sounds good.

Florist: How many would you like?

Man: How about just one?

Florist: Love.

Man: Two?

Florist: Engagement or marriage.

Man: Are you serious?

Florist: Yes.

Man: Six?

Florist: That means you’ll never forget her.

Man: No. What do you recommend?

Florist: I’d recommend an arrangement with the yellow roses as the centerpiece.

Man: OK.

Florist: What is her sign?

Man: What?

Florist: Her zodiac sign? If she’s an Aries, I’d recommend some tiger lilies or impatiens, if she’s a Taurus, I’d say go with a poppy or daisy, if she’s a Gemini—lily of the valley or lilac, if she’s a Capricorn—

Man: I’ll take a plant please.

Florist: What kind of plant? Would you like a…

Man: Plain, green.

By the way, just for the record, we didn’t make up any of those “meanings.” Feel free to save yourself some heartache and study the conversation before you enter the florist next time.

Another free service of your good friends at Half Empty.

By the way, tomorrow is the Ides of March. Seems like a good time to get an endorsement for our advertising agency from the leader of the band--Ides of March: Jim Peterik for A.M.I.S.H. Chicago Advertising

2007-03-07T00:03:00.000-06:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 3)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Plugs and Pieces

Plugs: Fun with Self Mutilation

“They made it sound so easy. How was I supposed to know that drilling 10,000 little holes in my head would be dangerous?”
---Nicholas C.

“I did it so I could swim better.”
--- Jack S.

Check any phone book and you’ll see dozens of hair transplant clinics where our people are ruthlessly exploited.

Hair transplant procedures have changed throughout the years. Nevertheless, the basics have remained the same; ripping hairs out of the only part of your scalp that isn’t bald yet, and ramming those hairs into lots and lots of little holes that have been drilled into your bald scalp.

Sounds like a great time doesn’t it? Yet, millions of our brothers have gone to these torture chambers like dazed robotic lemmings.

The Real Pain

Unfortunately, the real pain and agony of a hair transplant usually occurs right after the procedure is completed. We’re not even talking about the four, sometimes five figure check that you have to hand over to the quack. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life.

OK, let’s say you have a transplant on the Saturday before Memorial Day. You’re thinking that the extra day off will help with your recuperation. You wake up Tuesday morning with a renewed sense of self worth. You eagerly get into your car and drive to work. In fact, you might even drive with the top down. What the heck? It’s fun to feel the wind through you “hair.” You arrive at work and whistle a happy tune as you walk to your desk.

Then what do you think will happen?

Think no one will notice?

Think someone will say, “Hey Bill, you look great. New sweater?”

No. What happens is that the first coworker who sees you will immediately call another coworker and that coworker will email another and pretty soon you’ll have the whole department staring at your head, asking if you have any extra staples.

Now that sounds like a great time, doesn’t it?

Pieces: Fun with Humiliation

“Nobody has the slightest idea because I have all different kinds of hairpieces. People just think I’m getting a haircut or changing my hairstyle.”
--William S.

“No one suspects a thing because it’s just a thin hairpiece. It looks like I’m losing hair—not like it’s been gone for thirty years.”
--Sam D.

There are two types of people in the world who can’t spot a hairpiece: blind people and dead people. Everyone else sees it right away. Not just within a few minutes, but immediately. If you think that everyone is looking at your head because they are admiring your great new hairstyle, you may be in the deepest throngs of denial.

You have a beaver on your head. People don’t miss that sort of thing.

Don’t be taken in by those tempting commercials. If you saw that swimming guy in real life instead of the two dimensional television view you’d say “Hey buddy—you have a wet beaver on your head. Better drop that hot chick pretending she doesn’t notice and run for your life!”

We’re sorry to be so blunt here, but you need to snap out of this. You are in deep denial. You are in so deep that the creatures at the bottom of the sea are now asking each other what that guy with the beaver on his head is doing swimming in the abyss.

Career Reasons

Sometimes media stars feel they need to go this hairpiece route because the public would never accept them as bald. The list is long and painful: William Shatner, Ted Danson, Marv Albert, Howard Cosell, Willard Scott, Sam Donaldson, Ricardo Montalban, Frank Sinatra, Fred Estaire, Charlton Heston, Burt Reynolds, Elton John, Greg Gumbel, etc.

Gentlemen, (those of you still alive), give it up. It’s OK, really. We don’t care if you’re bald or not. Does anyone really believe Frank Sinatra wouldn’t have been just as good as an openly bald singer? It’s not really a visual skill, Frank. Look at your buddy Don Rickles—it hasn’t hampered his career.

Burt Reynolds…we implore you. You were bald in 1970. It’s OK.

Marv Albert…when we say “beaver on your head” we’re thinking of you.

Elton John…the wacky glasses AND a wig? If you aren’t in denial about that other issue anymore, can’t you just give up the denial game altogether? Your fans are your age too. We understand.

Greg Gumbel…we saw you as a sportscaster in Chicago in the early 80s. You were balding then. Did you accidentally get hit by a hair truck?

Charlton Heston…don’t worry, your cold dead hands can still grip that gun, but please take the dead animal you shot with that gun off your head.

William Shatner…your five year mission is to explore new worlds without hairpieces, to boldly go where only one other Starship captain has gone before (Jean Luc Picard).

Sam Donaldson…we can actually see the tape. No kidding.

Ricardo Montalban…the fine Corinthian leather doesn’t belong on top of your head.

The Real Pain

Hairpiece purchasers run into the exact same scenario as hair plug devotees. With celebrities or people in the public eye this is even more the case. There is photographic evidence, people. Anyone can find pictures of you from a few years ago and see that your hair was thinning. We’re not morons. There is absolutely no excuse for a celebrity to think he pull this off.

On the other hand, we can understand how the average Joe may think he’s getting away with the hairpiece thing. You think it’s subtle. You may even try to slowly increase the size of your hairpieces to subtly go back to a full head of hair.

Please sit down. This is going to hurt.

Unless you are moving to a place where no one knows you and never knew you, people will notice. We know what you’re thinking; they’ll notice that you’re going bald too. Yes, that’s true, but they’ve already noticed that. This is a whole new wrinkle. Now they just think you are pathetically insecure.

It would be one thing if strangers didn’t notice, but they notice too. Even the best hairpieces aren’t that good. People can tell. Think about this; those celebrities we listed are all very wealthy. They can afford the best hairpieces that money can buy.

Are they wearing good hairpieces? Is there a single guy on that list you said “Really? He wears a piece?”

That’s what we thought.

You Can’t Run Forever

It’s time to face up to the facts that you’re losing your hair and there is nothing you can do about it. There are no magic potions or viable scientific options that will bring back your loved ones. You’re in this for the long haul and you better start living again. Ignoring your problems won’t make them go away. It’s time to head out into the world and drink up all it has to offer. Are you ready? Can you leave your anxiety and fears behind?

Didn’t think so.

Sorry to tell you this, but Isolation doesn’t work either. Next month, we’ll prove it to you.

2007-02-28T00:03:00.000-06:00

MIDDLE AGED VANITY PLATES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

"Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685?"
-Marge (In Fargo)

When you drive about a million miles a week hauling your kids to swimming, soccer, day care, school, ballet, play dates, karate and more like we do, you end up seeing quite a few vanity plates.

We’ve noticed one disturbing trend, however. Not nearly enough of "our kind" (middle aged people) are indulging in the vanity plates fad. It may be because of a lack of vanity, or it may be because we're too busy to come up with creative plates appropriate for our age bracket.

With that in mind, we've done the heavy lifting for you. Feel free to steal any of the following...

If you suffer from an NLG-PRS8 you probably will URN8-3XPM. So you should probably PB4U-ZZZ. If you’re still PSNG-OF10 you should CA-PDR. In either case you will probably get a PROS8-XAM which WL-SUK.

If people call you 4-IZ you’ll probably 12-CBTR. So go to an optometrist where he might say you have BAD-IBALZ. He might prescribe BI-4COLS for you. Please be aware that any of these plates might get you stopped by the police.

It’s more than likely that you have -CSH-FLW and O-LOTS if you have 3XX-3XYS. Let’s face it 6KDS-ENUF. Thankfully, you have NO-NRG, NO-6-DRYV and NO-6UL-RGS to make any more. Hang in there, because when the KIDZRGONE you can once again NJOY-LF and T IT UP.

You’ll say TIH2 HO (mirror image) when you get DWNSZD and LOSE401K after 30YR-WK4MAN. Sure it was a 5HITJOB but it beats being NDR-MPLYD.

For those of you who take vanity to extremes and want to advertise it, tell everyone about your PNS-NPLT, or getting your TNADONE. Sy Sperling and his friends might prefer pointing our their 2PAY.

For those of you who are already at the grouchy curmudgeon stage, and want to spare any subtleties, SCRAM, UP-URS, URN-ZWAY and FUH QUE work nicely.

And finally, if you’re a Cub fan try W8-2NXYR.

We hope we were able to provide you with a few ideas. As always, no charge. Your vanity is our reward.

2007-02-21T18:29:00.000-06:00

MOVIE RENTAL TIPS FOR WIVES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Whenever the Oscars come around we are reminded of two things.

1) No one has the right to wear shoes worth more than the combined worth of our two homes.
2) Our only hope of seeing a movie we actually want to see is by uttering the following phrase: "I'll go to Blockbuster, thanks."

Our wives often volunteer to run this errand for us, but history shows that they are completely unable to choose a film worth watching. Most DVD boxes have gigantic flashing red lights saying "DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE!", but our wives don't see those lights.

We figured that our wives may not be the only wives that don't see the lights, so we've volunteered to spell it out more clearly on behalf of husbands everywhere. No need to thank us. This is another free service of Half Empty.

Ladies--when you see the following types of movies, keep walking...

Disease Movies -
A movie about cancer? DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. Do you really consider this appropriate Saturday evening relaxation? In fact, any and all life threatening illnesses are not acceptable. Consider this one of the golden rules of movie renting. The only exception to this rule is if the film is based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers. Now that’s a disease movie.

“Period” Pieces –
1) If the words “Victorian England” are found anywhere on the box, step away from the movie immediately. If for some reason you didn’t bring your glasses or you're having trouble reading the fine print, if the cover has a woman wearing a foofy dress or carrying a parasol: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE.
2) If the movie stars Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Dench or Ralph (prounced “Raif”, what a blowhard) Fiennes: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. By the way, Meryl Streep is this/close to getting put on the list.

Triumph of the Human Spirit Movies –
He has no arms and legs and becomes a great painter. Very impressive, but...DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. We’re really not interested, thanks for asking. Don’t get us wrong, we think it’s inspiring when the guy with no arms and legs becomes a great painter. It's just that we have fully-functioning limbs and can't spread cream cheese on a bagel without cutting ourselves--and we really don't need the limbless painter rubbing that in our faces.

Foreign Films –
Wow, you really don’t know your husbands at all, do you? If we wanted to read a book we wouldn’t have rented a movie. The only acceptable movie with subtitles is Airplane. The only acceptable movies with accents must contain the words, “Monty Python’s” in the title. However, if the movie contains a sticker with the words: "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17," we will probably relax the no foreign film rule.

Black and White Films –
Three Stooges, OK. Everything else, not so much.

Breakfast at Tiffany's –
DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE! We know, we know, Holly Golightly is the craziest heroine ever. She also never shuts up, and she never makes any sense. If she was one of your friends, we would beg you never to invite her to our home.

Movies about dancing–
Have you noticed that we’ve never taken you dancing and that we flop-sweat at weddings? Here’s a little secret, WE HATE DANCING. We don't like doing it, and we really don't like watching it. That means we hate musicals, too. The only exception is a musical about Hitler written by Mel Brooks.

See how simple this is?

Please keep these simple rules in mind next time you choose a movie, and you won't have to put up with us snoring through another one of your picks.

Unless, of course, that was your intention in the first place.

2007-02-15T10:31:00.000-06:00

Responses to "Renewing of Marriage Vows"

"Ha ha ha, pretty funny! My husband and I are celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Las Vegas in May! Can't wait. Considering a Elvis vow renewal ceremony so this would fit right in. Thanks for the post and the laugh!"
--A

"My wife and I loved your marriage renewal column. Totally the anti-Valentine's Day with love, if that's possible."
--R

"You dudes are cynical. Love it."
--O

"We're really gonna use these. Our anniversary is in three weeks and we're going to Hawaii--and I convinced my husband to do it--but only if we use sarcastic vows like this. Thanks!"
--S

"thats totally my parents. oh lord they have been married 20+ years. its only
gonna get worse. hahahaha i cant wait!"
--T

"love the pushing the crumbs under the fridge bit"
--C

"i laughed out loud! zomg!!"
--B

Rick and Dave respond: Thanks. Um...can we have a translator help us on that last one?

2007-02-14T00:03:00.000-06:00

RENEWING YOUR WEDDING VOWS

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern

Here’s a question for you lovebirds who have been married for a long time: Have you renewed your vows yet?

If you haven’t, you might be a little surprised at the refreshing honesty expressed during the renewal vows these days. They use an entirely different script than they used for the original vows.

Your good friends at Half Empty have managed to acquire a copy. We’re printing the script here so that you can mentally prepare yourself for the big day.

RENEWAL OF MARRIAGE VOWS FOR COUPLES MARRIED MORE THAN TEN YEARS

Clergy: Do you (insert husband’s name), promise to… step over the laundry basket instead of carrying it up the stairs, wipe up spills with your socks, use the imaginary brakes when she drives, never replace a toilet paper roll, push crumbs under the fridge rather than pick them up, pretend to listen with an uncanny ability to nod at the appropriate times, remember nothing—ever, never find anything even if it’s in front of your face, buy less than 70% of the items on your grocery list, mix all colors and wash everything in warm, pretend like you’re asleep when she wants to talk, think that twelve hours of television a day is an appropriate amount for a four year old, and expend the minimum amount of effort on everything you do every single day….as long as you both shall live?

Husband: I do.

Clergy: And do you (insert wife’s name), promise to…leave an unsaid ‘dumbass’ at the end of every sentence with the tone of your voice, have a strong opinion on literally every subject, roll your eyes within two seconds of him opening his mouth, break every traffic law when you drive—even for short distances, pick the absolutely worst movie every time you go to Blockbuster, think that ballroom dance and yoga classes would be a fun couple’s activity, make snide comments about his appearance, yearn for more culture in your life, restack the dishwasher every single time he does it, expect him to tolerate your bad moods while cutting him no slack ever for his bad moods, and point out that he is doing everything the ‘wrong’ way every single day…as long as you both shall live?

Wife: I do.

Clergy: Wow. Well, then, I guess you really are man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Husband & Wife: Is that really necessary?

Clergy: OK, you may now go to your separate televisions.

Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.

Cue the music: “Trading Spaces” and “Monday Night Football” (at the same time)

A show of hands: Who has a tear in his or her eye right now?

What can we say? We do too.

I guess we’re all just hopeless romantics.

Do Rick and Dave have even more love to share today?

Why yes we do.

Look, we don't like to brag, but we know a thing or two about love.

On this Valentine's Day, we're not just going to give you one measly column to help your love life. No sir. Today, we'll give you 4 more.

True love--4 ever.

Are you a wife looking for harmony in your relationship? This column is for you: 10 Questions you should never ask your husband

Are you a boyfriend or husband, desperately trying to understand your woman? This column is for you: Quiz: How well do you understand your woman?

Are you a woman who really wants to attract a man? Boy, have you come to the right place. This column is for you: 9 Ways to Attract a Man

Are you a husband who wants to be able to make your wife laugh again? We've been there, buddy. This column is for you: 10 things a husband can say to make his wife laugh

Are you a husband or wife who doesn't want to overpay for a nice romantic dinner at a restaurant tonight? Sorry. We're love counselors, not miracle workers.

2007-02-07T00:02:00.000-06:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Bald “Cures.”

Tools of the trade

“There’s a sucker born every minute”
--P.T. Barnum

Grasping at straws and the few hairs that are left, balding men have succumbed, and purchased the following foolish gimmicks...

Hot Head (US Patent 6,024,100 / Issued 2000)
Heading our list is something called The Hot Head. Basically, this apparatus allows you to steam clean your head. Just put on the helmet, click on the steam generator and open the valve. Next, hair restorer is sprayed on your bald head and highly compressed air forces it into your scalp. The Fullhead who invented this must have gotten the idea from the vacuum pump he was using to make something else grow.

Good Looking Hair (GLH)
GLH is billed as the “latest breakthrough” in hair loss treatments. Administered through a spray can, GLH contains thousands of “almost life-like” fibers that will adhere to the scalp and existing follicles of hair. The victim simply sprays GLH on areas devoid of hair. The GLH website touts; “It's like instant hair in a can.” A more appropriate label is “instant abstinence” in a can.

Salad Dressing
In the mid sixties, a mixture of vinegar and oil was often used as a topical solution for hair loss. Proponents of this remedy felt that the mixture would promote hair growth for men who had especially lousy papilla. An entire Dick Van Dyke Show episode revolved around this. Of course, let’s not forget, that was a comedy.

Low Level Laser Technology (LLLT)
This is one the latest hair growth techniques. With this procedure low level laser beams are shot into the bald scalp. Lasercomb, a leading product in LLLT states, “This technique uses the energy of laser light to nourish and revitalize your hair. Light is energy and living cells ‘like’ light. Your hair is no different.”
Dude, put down the bong. It seems like the makers of Lasercomb may have been to one too many Grateful Dead shows.

Dead Sea Mud
There is a growing consensus among researchers that using products made from Dead Sea mud is useful in preventing hair loss. Most experts feel that the nutrients this mud possesses is the origin of its restorative powers. While we don’t have any empirical evidence to dispute such a claim, we’ll just point to one glaring observation: You ever notice all the bald Jews?

Rogaine
Let’s just say for a significant percentage of users it should be renamed Nogaine. Look, one of the main ingredients of Rogaine is alcohol. Think about some of the dumbest things you’ve done in your life. How many of those involved alcohol? That’s what we thought. So tell us again why you’ve decided that rubbing alcohol directly into your head will work out for you?

Propecia
This prescription drug has been around since the late nineties. The good news is that for a significant portion of users Propecia does promote hair growth. The bad news is that there could be some sexual side effects like difficulty achieving an erection. That’s normally of little concern to our people. Do you really want to take away your only advantage—your virility?

Hair thickening shampoo
You’ve seen the commercials. A guy who appears like he’s losing his hair holds a basketball and says “This is what your head will look like soon.” Then he pitches a shampoo that thickens the hair. When they show the close-up of his hair, you marvel at its thickness. How many of you were actually in the car on the way to the store before the commercial was even over?

Your hair is not gravy. You can’t add some corn starch to thicken it. It is falling out because of your genes. Unless the shampoo alters your genetics, it’s not going to work. Remember that some Fullhead is getting rich taking advantage of you.

Emu Oil (U.S. Patent 5,958,384/Issued 1999)
Some Fullhead named Holick patented the use of emu oil to stimulate hair growth. The abstract for his patent states, “The present invention is directed to the discovery that topical or parenteral administration of emu oil to a mammal stimulates the proliferation of skin. Emu oil can be used to treat skin wrinkles and rejuvenate aged and photo-damaged skin. It has also been discovered that emu oil can be topically applied to stimulate melanogenesis in the skin and to stimulate hair growth.”

No offense, Mr. Holick, but it doesn’t even work on Emus. Emus are bald…and proud of it. It’s those darn ostriches that are so ashamed of their baldness they bury their heads in the sand.

Hair cloning
Dr. Walter Unger, a man who has performed almost 30,000 hair transplant surgeries holds a patent on a procedure that clones hair. He and his researchers take hairs from the back of a balding man’s head, and multiply them in a lab. Unfortunately, it only worked on four of the twenty three test subjects, and of those four, only one got something that could be described as a “tuft” of hair. Dr. Unger doesn’t think it will ever work. He has abandoned his research, although others are still trying it.

If those odds of success sound good to you, then feel free to shell out anywhere between $8000-$12,000. That’s what it costs.

What should a man who uses these products do?

Stop. Just stop now.

If you really think they work, however, we have one more technique for you to consider.

The simplest cure for baldness is still transforming into a werewolf. Just do one of the following: get bitten by a werewolf, wear the enchanted skin of a dead wolf or werewolf, drink water from a wolf's footprint, eat a wolf's brain, or have sex with a werewolf and survive.

Geez, do we have to tell you everything?

Next month we’ll take a look at the most horrible cases of bald denial: Hair plugs and Toupees.

Warning: It’s not going to be pretty.

2007-02-01T11:30:00.000-06:00

Thanks to readers "E" & "T" for contributing the following. We don't know the original sources of either the picture or this piece. If you do, let us know so we can properly attribute.

In honor of the Chicago Bears going to Super Bowl XLI. Here are 41
things that have changed from the last time the Chicago Bears played
in the Super Bowl (which was Super Bowl XX in 1986):

1) Brian Urlacher was in 2nd grade. Rex Grossman was in kindergarten.

2) Peyton Manning was 10 years old. Eli Manning was 5 years old.
Their dad, Archie, had just retired from the NFL two years earlier.

3) Lovie Smith was in his first college coaching job at University of
Tulsa .

4) Ronald Reagan was the President, and Harold Washington was the
Mayor. James R. Thompson was the Governor running for re-election and
his office was in the new State of Illinois Center, which is now
called the James R. Thompson Center .

5) George W. Bush was 39 years old and still drinking. His father
would run for President two years later.

6) Rod Blagojevich was just out of law school and was a low-level
prosecutor working for the Cook County State 's Attorney, Richard M.
Daley.

7) Barack Obama had just moved to Illinois , and Osama bin Laden was
fighting the Soviets in Afghanistan .

8) Red Grange and Sid Luckman were still alive.

9) The Colts had just moved to Indianapolis from Baltimore and were
the doormat of the AFC EAST. The Bears were the champions of the NFC
CENTRAL.

10) Property in Wicker Park and Bucktown was cheap because they were
really bad neighborhoods.

11) CD players, cellular phones and fax machines were expensive,
cutting edge technology and only a few people used them.

12) "Surfing the net" meant a volleyball game at the beach, and
virtually no one used the "@" key on their TYPEWRITER.

13) Sam Walton was still alive and was wealthier than Bill Gates.
Windows were panes of glass...not a computer operating system that was
a pain in something that rhymes with glass.

14) The Soviet Union was our main enemy, and Saddam Hussein was our
ally.

15) There were no lights at Wrigley Field, and the oldest park in
baseball belonged to the White Sox.

16) Michael Jordan and Ozzie Guillen had just finished their "Rookie
of the Year" seasons. Jordan 's coach was Stan Albeck and Guillen's
manager was Tony LaRussa. (Three out of four of those guys are now
wearing championship rings, but what ever happened to Stan Albeck???)

17) Soldier Field had Astroturf. The Houston Oilers played in the
Astrodome.

18) The Fox TV Network didn't exist, and ESPN had yet to air a
single live pro football, baseball, or basketball game.

19) MTV played music and so did some AM radio stations.

20) Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff weren't born yet; Jackie Gleason
and Richard Nixon were still alive.

21) Hillary Clinton had dark hair and was the First Lady......of
Arkansas !

22) "The Love Boat" and "Diff'rent Strokes" were still on network TV
every week.

23) Martin Luther King Day was about to be celebrated as a National
Holiday for the first time. "9-11" was a phone number many cities were
just adopting for emergency calls - not a date of terror.

24) I-88 was called "Illinois Rt. 5" and I-355 hadn't been built yet.

25) What the CTA now calls "The Blue Line" had just been extended to
O'Hare, and the Orange Line to Midway hadn't been built yet.

26) Q101 played adult contemporary music and most teenagers listened
to WLS. Music from the 70s and 80s wasn't "retro" yet.

27) Tiger Woods hadn't won an amateur golf tournament yet.

28) Most people knew Seattle just as a city in the Northwest U.S. -
not the home of grunge or Starbucks.

29) Only Southerners went to NASCAR races and only Northerners went
to NHL games.

30) The Chicago area had no Wal-Marts, Targets or Home Depots, and
Walgreen's was only in the Midwest .

31) Depending on your bank, your ATM card was good at only "Cash
Station" machines or only at "Money Network" machines, but there were
no fees.

32) "The Phone Company" was Illinois Bell.

33) They still sold leaded gasoline and you couldn't pay for your gas
at the pump.

34) Discover Card hadn't been discovered yet, and Miller Genuine
Draft hadn't been brewed yet.

35) Stereo TVs were the rage that HDTVs are now. 8-track tapes were
still being made.

36) All of the Blockbuster Video stores that are now closing hadn't
opened yet. Betamax was still competing with VHS.

37) You paid cash for your groceries and fast food, and you used a
travel agent to book airline flights.

38) Bowl games didn't have corporate sponsors, and if the #1 ranked
team was in a conference that played in one bowl game and the #2
ranked team was in a conference that played in another bowl game, then
so be it! They let the sportswriters vote on the national champion.
(and no college football games were played after New Year's Day)

39) The Baltimore Ravens were the Cleveland Browns. The Tennessee
Titans were the Houston Oilers. The Oakland Raiders were the Los Angeles Raiders that had just left Oakland . The Arizona Cardinals (the former Phoenix Cardinals, were the St. Louis Cardinals (Chicago Cardinals long ago), and the St. Louis Rams were the Los Angeles Rams. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Carolina Panthers, Houston Texans, and the Cleveland Browns (not to be confused with the Cleveland Browns that are now the Baltimore Ravens)
didn't exist. The Seattle Seahawks (last year's NFC Champions) played in the AFC.

40) Number 9 on the Bears was their Punky QB...not their perky field
goal kicker.

41) There were no iPods - just Sony Walkmen - so if you said
something about a "shuffle" on your Walkman, they assumed you were
listening to "The Super Bowl Shuffle"

and one thing that will be the same from the Chicago Bears last Super
Bowl appearance..... THEY WILL WIN!!!! GO BEARS!!!!!!

2007-02-01T09:10:00.000-06:00

Responses to Middle Aged Band Names

"What about aging rappers? Tupac (if he were still alive) would become '2 bucks for a cup of coffee?' and Ton Loc would become 'Tone Deaf' and JayZ would become 'Jay Zzzzzzzz.' I don't know about Snoop Dog. Somebody needs to change his diz-iaper."
--R

"Smashing Pumpkins – You Kids are gonna clean up this mess
Split Enz – Depends
Cars – Revoked License
Db’s – Turn it down
Byrds – Early Bird Special"
--B

"Chuck Berry has a duck-walker."
--T

"Little Richard might want to go with big fat old Richard. It's not as glitzy, but it's much more accurate."
--K

"Stray Cats are the Fat Cats. The Fixx is "Don't call the plumber, I can do it myself."
--M

"Genesis - Revelation surely...? Biblically speaking. The entire concept is, alas, flawed because a Prince does not become a King simply due to the passage of
time..."
--G

Rick & Dave respond: Yes, that's true. It's almost as if we had a concept, and then tried to make it more Super Bowl friendly to increase hits. Hmmm.

2007-01-31T01:01:00.000-06:00

MIDDLE AGE BAND NAMES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

When the NFL announced that Prince was going to be the halftime entertainment for this year's Super Bowl, it made us wonder: Won't he ever graduate to a more age-appropriate rock-and-roll-elder name like "Duke" or "Baron" or "King?"

It's time. He's 50 next year.

Of course, Prince is just the tip of the misnamed older rocker iceberg. What about the rockers that are ten, twenty, and thirty years older than him? Unfortunately for those guys, there isn't a historical precedence to guide them. Previous generations didn't have to deal with this problem. A generation ago, when a 60 or 70 or 80 year old man was rocking, it was in a chair. Now, it’s on a stage with an electric guitar.

Should old guys still be allowed to play rock and roll? Of course. However, they really need to think about how it looks, and how it sounds. It’s all about image and expectations.

The Beach Boys are a perfect example.

You must admit you judge the Beach Boys more harshly simply because of the word “boys” in their name. “Boys” should not be pushing 70. If they revised their name slightly, to say the Seaside Shuffleboarders, the expectations would be completely different.

When they perform as the Beach Boys, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those dudes are old.”

When they perform as The Seaside Shuffleboarders, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those old dudes can still rock. Rock on, old dudes!”

See how much better that is?

Bands like the Beach Boys are doomed if they don’t rename themselves.

Other bands are luckier. Bands like The Electric Prunes, The Grateful Dead, Gerry & the Pacemakers, The Kinks, and Limp Bizkit knew they would have to live with their names for a long time and planned ahead.

As a public service to the Baby Boomer rock and roll community, we’ve taken the liberty of revising the band names for others that weren’t as prescient…

.38 Special—Blue Plate Special
ABBA—AARP
Air Supply—Oxygen Tent
Alice Cooper—Cialis Co-pay
The Animals—The Angioplasties
Bad Company—Why Don’t You Ever Visit?
Bread—Bran
Captain & Tenille—Captain & Senile
Country Joe & The Fish—Old Country Buffet & the All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry
Creedence Clearwater Revival—Creedence Clearwater Florida
The Culture Club—The Hair Club
Def Leppard—Deaf Leonard
Neil Diamond—Neil Diaper
Foreigner—We Hate Foreigners
The Four Lads—The Four O’Clock Dinner
The Four Seasons—The Sun Always Shines in Boca
The Four Tops—The Quadruple Bypass
Genesis—Apocalypse
The Guess Who—Guess Who Had a Stroke
INXS— IN-tensive Care
Iron Butterfly—Iron Lung
Journey—Cruise
KC & the Sunshine Band—KC & The Sunshine State
Gladys Knight and Pips—Gladys Knight and Poops
Night Ranger—Rogainger
The OJays—The Ben Gays
The Osmonds—The Ointments
Procol Harem—Bifocal Harem
The Replacements—The Hip Replacements
The Rolling Stones—The Gall Stones
Sly and the Famly Stone—Sly and the Kidney Stone
Squeeze—Wheeze
Styx—Cane
Supertramp—Supercramp
Three Dog Night—Three Piss Night
The Ventures—The Dentures
Wham—Scram
The Who—Who’s Left?

No charge, fellas. You can thank us by continuing to rock in a more age-appropriate fashion.

I’m sure all of the fine readers of Half Empty can help out some more. Click on the “E-mail Me” link on the right, and send along your new names for bands in need.

The livelihood of an entire generation of musicians is at stake.

2007-01-26T21:19:00.000-06:00

More Responses to Middle Aged Road Trip

"After reading your blog, I have a very vivid image of your trip...Sounds like ya'll had a great time ! Thanks for visiting Pat O's Memphis!
--Shelly
Pat O'Brien's/Memphis

"Sweet. Next time you come let some people know so we can give you some suggestions on where to go besides Beale."
--B

"I'm sort of afraid to get old, kinda scary, i'd like to still smoke though, when i'm older."
--R

"I enjoyed your writing. Come back soon."
--J

"I think ya'll sound like a pretty good bunch of guys, considering you're Yankees and all."
--Y

"Dane Placko is a news reporter on the Ch 32 Fox News in Chicago...cool guy. Funny blog! I think I'll take their advice and start looking at life as half emtpy!"
--I

2007-01-24T19:50:00.000-06:00

Responses to Middle Aged Road Trips

"Glad you enjoyed Memphis! Come back soon!"
--Debra Cohen, Memphis Convention and Visitors Bureau

"Thanks for the laughs! You guys got around! You had to have eaten at Dyers for the burgers, that fat is over 100 years old I'm told. I'm hoping that the rude waitress was not a Corky's employee, not a good showing of Southern hospitality. As for the flight attendent's description of the game sounds exactly like I would, I know nothing about football. Thanks for the afternoon amusement!"
--Jan Klein
Director of Mail Order Operations
Corky's BBQ-Memphis

"Sounds like a fabulous adventure. Speaking of Liza Minelli poking someone in the eye, David Gest has a house in Memphis and occasionally goes public with his weirdness. Come back sometime, -- the dog track is expanding and there is plenty more BBQ to be sampled.
--Ken Hall
Memphis Cotton Museum

"I've been reading your blog and it's very entertaining. The Middle-Aged Road Trip was especially good. I stick to Wetzels Pretzels at the airport, which are overpriced, but overpriced just a little bit more than their regular stores, so it doesn't feel as if I'm being gouged quite as much."
--P

"I can totally picture the three of you losers in Memphis doing the things you described. I laughed out loud five or six times reading that column."
--D

"The quote--'If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas'--is Classic! I have just copied that quote to a PowerPoint slide, printed it and will post it on our office's quotes-of-fame wall (yours will be next to the quote from a client who said, 'Look, it's a spot on the log, not a spot on your lung.') The trip sounds like it was a blast."
--M

"Loved your report on Memphis! Fun times, indeed. I can remember Mother and Daddy going to the dog track on Saturday afternoons for their fix. They always said they were going to the dogs!"
--I

"Very funny! Love your writing style."
--B

"That was a hoot. Just so you know, I park my semi behind that dog track..."
--V

"I couldn't help but notice that your previous road trip article (Family Road Trip), also included a bathroom fixation."
--J

Rick responds: What do you want from me? I'm a 43-year-old man. It's only going to get worse, not better. Although, just to prove to you that I can write about road trips without mentioning bathrooms, read this: Dirty Old Men

2007-01-24T00:03:00.000-06:00

MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIP

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko

Let us set the stage.

Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.

Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.

Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…

*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to pose for this picture with Dane’s confiscated items.

*In the airport, Dave bought three bagels. When the total came to $8.10, Dave asked if they offered a financing plan.

*Our first meal in Memphis (lunch) was memorable. When the waitress brought Dave’s lunch, she slammed it on the table and snapped—“YOUR PLATE BURNED MY HAND!”

*Dane and Dave were eager to go to Mississippi, just a few minutes away from Memphis, although they had very different reasons.
=Dane wanted to cross Mississippi off his state list. He now has been to every state but Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon. Rick and Dave were just as impressed as you are.
=Dave, the same man that calls his mother every day and uses the parking brakes every single time he parks the car just like they taught him in Driver’s Ed, is actually a maniacal gambler, and knew that Mississippi has casinos.

*Rick and Dane walked around the casino looking at gamblers. Not one smile in the entire casino. Dave was one of the “happy” gamblers, sitting at the $5 blackjack table. Only the smallest bladder on the planet (or possibly an enlarged prostate) prevented him from remaining there to this day.

*While Rick attended his conference the following day, Dane & Dave went to Sun Studios and took the very cool tour there. That's Dane on the left standing in the exact spot Elvis recorded “That’s Alright Mama.” That's Dave on the right, proudly singing about getting the AAA discount even though his card had expired.

*At the media conference, Rick grabbed some lunch at Quiznos. To give you an idea what kind of a crowd attended this conference, the three people in front of Rick…
=complained about the absence of romaine lettuce on the sandwiches.
=lectured the teenager behind the counter that the “roast chicken” sandwich should be called the “tortured chicken sandwich”
AND last but not least…
=demanded to know why “vitamin water” was not available as a fountain drink.
Rick ordered the Italian with everything. The teenager behind the counter smiled.

*Rick got home from the conference just in time to break up the fight between Dane and Dave. Dane wanted to go to the Cotton Museum. Dave said he would rather be poked in the eyes by Liza Minnelli.

*That night we explored Beale Street, the party center of Memphis. After an incredible BBQ dinner, we settled in at a blues bar. After one of Dave’s three trips to the bathroom, he claimed to have spotted Dennis Quaid. Rick and Dane would have been much more impressed by Randy Quaid.

*Next stop: Pat O’Briens. The Memphis version of the famous New Orleans nightspot is almost an exact duplicate of the original. A rock and roll cover band was playing Van Halen in the courtyard. Rick and Dave wandered out to listen. Dane yelled “This is too loud!” and went to the dueling piano bar to listen to the Billy Joel medley instead.

*After a night of drinking, we stopped in for a late night burger. After we ordered the burgers, Dane noticed they weren’t being made on a grill. They were being boiled in a vat of animal fat. Mmmm.

*The night came to end when Dave’s “throbbing headache” had to be relieved with a medication cocktail that included Tylenol and Ambien.

*The following morning, the three middle aged travelers went to Graceland, where we suddenly didn’t feel so old.

*Dave got a little cocky at Graceland. He tried to get the student discount with his University of Illinois student ID card from 1985. “1985 Dave” had a full head of hair. “2007 Dave” has a gray goatee, and a shiny polished dome. The cashier didn’t go for it. This is her reaction when we tried to take her picture.

*Rick was grumbling that there weren’t any new Graceland snow domes since his last visit, so he bought an Elvis/Nixon magnet instead. This is the geek by Elvis’ grave.

*Lunch at Corky’s was the best meal of the trip…an unbelievable BBQ pork meal. Dave went to the bathroom there twice. Dane told Dave that he would make a provision in his will donating his bladder to Dave.

*After lunch, Rick and Dave took a nap. Dane went to the Cotton Museum by himself. If you ever meet him, ask to see the video. He videotaped the experience on his cell-phone, but we couldn't figure out how to upload it here.

*Not wanting to go out drinking again, the boys settled on an excursion to Arkansas for their last night. It wasn’t until they arrived at the dog track that Dane & Rick realized why Dave was so excited about this…it was attached to a casino.

*If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas.

*Although...the bar was serving 20 ounce Michelob beers for 50 cents a piece. Rick had three dollars in his pocket and a song in his heart.

*Dane picked the winners of the first two dog races. After that, not so much. This is Dane tearing up his betting slips.

*Dave got in a poker game, and was one $250 pot away from losing everything. When he didn’t lose the hand, he got out, and didn’t return. Although, he did stop at the video poker machines on his way back from his second bathroom trip.

*The night ended when Rick got heartburn. He bought Pepto Bismol in the hotel gift shop…at the nicer hotel next door.

*The next morning when we checked out of the hotel, Dave asked the clerk to name the most famous person who ever stayed at their hotel. She said: “The tall guy from the TV show ‘Martin’ had his family reunion here.” Top that.

*The next day the middle aged travelers arrived at the airport two and a half hours before their flight so they could watch the Bears-Seahawks playoff game.

*With fifty seconds left in the tied game, the airline announced… “Chicago fans, this is your last call for boarding. We’re going to give away your tickets if you don’t board right now.” An audible groan went up in the airport bar. We walked down the tunnel toward the airplane not knowing if the game went to overtime or not. Dave, Dane and Rick tried to convince everyone to draw straws to see who would fake a heart attack in the tunnel to delay the flight.

*The flight attendant was British. She announced the football game result this way: “I’m not sure what this means, but the team from Chicago…I’m told they are known as the Bears…scored… is it called a field goal? Yes. In any case, they won the American football contest.” We cheered, but we suddenly all felt stupid for caring.

So, was our middle aged road trip fun? I know it might not sound like it, but we had a great time. Will we do it again? Probably.

Next time, though, Dave is getting a catheter.

2007-01-17T00:03:00.000-06:00

MEDICAL SMALL TALK

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

When Rick mentioned an awkward small talk conversation he had with his urologist during his vasectomy procedure (Steve & Garry notebook), he was a little surprised at the reaction it received.

Apparently, this sort of thing happens to just about everyone. It may occur during vasectomies, but it happens at other equally embarrassing moments.

This column is for our friends in the medical profession. We know you do this sort of work every day so it’s no big deal to you. It’s only natural to lose sight of the fact that there are times when small talk is not appropriate.

We’re writing this as a gentle reminder.

A loyal reader (who begged us not to use his name) sent this to us. It’s his recollection (he called it a transcript) of a recent visit to the doctor’s office. He was there for a routine prostate exam.

At the doctor’s office

Doc: (while putting a rubber glove on his hand) Is your kid still taking piano lessons?

Patient: Yes, he really seems to like it.

Doc: (while putting lube on two fingers) Piano is almost the perfect musical instrument for kids. Once they get the basics of piano, they can move on to almost any other musical instrument after that. Please drop your pants and face the wall.

Patient: (while dropping pants and facing the wall) Yeah, I wish I stuck with my piano lessons when….

Doc: Can you spread your legs a little bit…

Patient: Sure….HELLO…when I was a kid.

Doc: (while checking prostate) My wife and I don’t have any kids but I’m a big believer in the piano.

Patient: Yeah….(grunt)…me too.

Doc: (while moving fingers around and squeezing prostate) Did you know that kids who naturally pick up the piano are usually pretty good at math, and kids that are pretty good at math are usually pretty good at piano?

Patient: Yeah….um….I….heard….(grunt)…that.

Doc: (while removing fingers) It’s really a mathematical process.

Patient: (exhaling) I guess so.

Doc: (while taking off his glove and tossing it in the garbage can) Are your kids good at math?

Patient: Yes…they…

Doc: You can pull your pants back up.

Patient: Oh, thanks. Yeah, they are pretty good at math. So…how did it turn out?

Doc: My wife and I both still play the piano.

Patient: (pointing at the garbage can) No, I mean…

Doc: Oh? It’s fine. No problems. You’re just getting older. Nothing to worry about.

Got any other examples of awkward small talk conversations during really embarrassing moments? We’d love to hear them. We promise not to reveal your name. Just click on the “E-mail me” link, and send in a transcript (as close as you can remember it) of your conversation.

2007-01-03T00:02:00.000-06:00

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DENIAL (Part 1)

Episode One of The Bald Handbook

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)

By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Combovers.

The Combover

While treating amputees during the Civil War, S.Weir Mitchell discovered that many of his patients still had feeling and sensation in their departed limbs. Many of these amputees were so convinced that they still had their legs that they tried walking. This phenomenon became known as Phantom Limb Syndrome (PLS).

This theory can also be used to describe men who have lost their hair. We call this Phantom Hair Syndrome (PHS). Since combing a bare scalp can be painful, balding men will over comb where hair remains. This over combing (note the similarity to “combover”) will result in the bizarre and often embarrassing hairstyles we see.

In order for real healing to begin we must review some of the combovers that are produced by PHS. Please keep in mind this is not an all-inclusive list. The following are just the most common and easiest to spot.

The Flip
This is the most common combover. Wearers of this style simply grow their hair a little longer on one side and flip it over to the other side. Combover connoisseurs consider The Flip to be the least creative of the combovers because it lacks flair. One famous critic called it “an embarrassment to all other combovers.” It’s easy to tell how long one has been suffering from PHS by measuring the “long” side. We’re surprised the Guinness book of world records does not have a category for this.

Frontal Tuft Fluff Up
As its name implies, the Frontal Tuft Fluff Up is when there are a few hairs remaining on the frontal scalp and they are teased or “fluff upped” above the forehead. Mourners that use this combover often do this in conjunction with the “flip.” This is especially common among sportscasters and news anchors. However here’s a word of advice to those that might be in the news broadcast profession: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever look away from the camera. Really. Never do that.

The Soft Serve Ice Cream
Also known as the “swirl,” this is one of the more creative combovers. Like the “flip” the mourner will grow his hair especially long on one side and swirl his hair around the barren wasteland concentrically or in a “swirl.”

The Three Sided Box Top
Now we’re getting to the more creative of the combovers. Here the wearer grows his hair long all around the scalp and neatly flips the hair in three directions. Very few people can pull this one off. It seems men married to blind women are especially prone to this technique.

The Trump
This one defies logic and quite frankly a few laws of physics. Here the mourner will grow his hair long in the back and flip it to the front. With ozone layer killing force, the hair will remain in place with the help of industrial hair spray. Sadly, this one can have some big costs to the wearer in divorce proceedings.

Zone Coverage

There seems to be segments of our population more prone to PHS than others. Among the four hundred and seventy five different professions we studied for their CTNC (Combover to Non-Combover) Ratio, the runaway winner was basketball coach. Three of the most successful coaches in NCAA history suffer from PHS-induced combovers. Jim Boeheim, Gene Keady and Lou Henson have accounted for almost 2,000 Division I victories.

Why does PHS strike basketball coaches so often? Maybe it’s the constant exposure to a big round ball or playing in domed stadiums. Maybe it’s the hours spent teaching the cross-over dribble. Maybe it’s the dedication to the zone defense. Maybe it’s the constant screaming of ‘deny, deny, deny’ when preaching defense to the big men in the paint. All of those reasons are hazards of the trade, but not excuses.

Combover-Free Professions

Just as there are reasons why the combover exists in the basketball coaching profession, there are reasons why other professions simply cannot sustain a combover. In our extensive research, we have found several occupations that didn’t have a single combover. The winners:
• Wing Walker
• Hot Air Balloon Pilot
• Professional Bungee Cord Jumper
• Twister Chaser
• Pirate Ship Lookout (in Crow’s Nest)

What is the common ingredient that binds these professions? Nature’s evil force.

The combover is mostly considered an indoor-solution to hair loss because of nature’s evil force; wind. If you’ve ever seen a man walking down the street with one incredibly long hair flapping in the wind above an otherwise bald head, you’ve seen the combover’s arch nemesis. Artificial wind is no better. For that reason, we urge PHS sufferers to avoid standing directly in front of Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and/or Jesse Jackson.

What should combover-men do?

Stop. Just stop now.

However, if you still haven’t gotten past the denial stage and insist on keeping your combover, we have a request to make on behalf of bald men everywhere. Please become a hermit and stay indoors at all times. Do it for all of your balding brothers. The Fullheads use you as an example to mock us every time we speak to them.

Then, when you’re inside, don’t read anything or watch television. Next month we’ll go over some of the ways Fullhead charlatans can try to take your money and your dignity.

And they will. Oh yes they will.

2006-12-27T00:03:00.000-06:00

"Predictions for 2007"

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

*Number of major league starts by Mark Prior: 6.

*Month of Warner Saunders “surprise” retirement announcement at Channel 5: June.

*Date of Rod Blagojevich’s indictment: November 17.

*Number of Calories Nicole Richie will eat in '07. 3400

*Number of points Bears lose first playoff game by: 14.

*First heart attack—Dick Cheney, Dennis Hastert, or Jim Hendry: Hendry

*Who will eat more donuts this year Jim Hendry or Karl Rove: Rove

*First celebrity breakup: Jim Carrey & Jenny McCarthy.

*Number of Bulls playoff victories: 3

*Month of first story about 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love: February.

*Number of joint media appearances by figure skater Sasha Cohen & comedian Sacha Baron Cohen: Zero.

*Average number of fans attending White Sox games in May: 18,000.

*Date of first Lou Pinella ejection: April 30.

*Date Chicago Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs: September 4.

*Amount the Tribune will spend per Cubs win..$2,200,000

*Number of Michael Richards’ movies: Zero.

*Number of times Paris Hilton discusses the crisis in Darfur: Zero

*Number of times a local weatherman is blamed for bad weather by local anchors: 73.

*Date Jay Mariotti calls for Ken Williams firing: August 6.

*Which will be greater? The number of completed passes Rex Grossman has in the playoffs or the the number of testicles of an average male: Tie

*Number of joint media appearances by William Jefferson and William Jefferson Clinton: Zero.

*Number of Big Ten schools in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament: 4

*Number of wacky "mother and daughter switching bodies" movies will Hollywood release this year. 7

*Lower ERA—Dave Aardmsa or Neal Cotts: Aardsma.

*Number of times Lindsey Lohan will get drunk and need stitches. 11

*Number of dustups between David Gregory and Tony Snow: 12.

*Number of people who will buy the new Who album: 82

*Most likely to appear on the Surreal Life: K-Fed.

*Number of people VP Cheney accidentally shoots in the face: Zero.

2006-12-20T12:03:00.000-06:00

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 5)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

We think this one may be the very first Christmas letter, but we're still working on having that verified.

Hello family and friends!

We hope your winter solstice is going well this year.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than thirty years since our boy was born in that manger in Bethlehem. It’s a good thing we invested that frankincense, gold and myrrh wisely, because we haven’t had a moment’s peace since the neighbors started blabbing about the messiah living in our house. Luckily, our investments allowed us to buy state-of-the art security camels last spring. Ever since then, those parasitic painters from the Roman tabloids stay a respectable spitting distance away.

As for the boy, he’s doing fairly well, but I’m a little concerned about his friends. He spends a lot of time with unsavory types, and every time he comes home for a visit he brings a houseful of his unwashed friends with him. Last time I said “Jesus! If you think I’ve got enough food to feed these dirty…” and before I finished my sentence there was food on the table. It’s hard to stay mad at him when he does things like that.

As you can imagine, it’s a little frustrating being a mother of a boy with such potential. Joseph and I keep waiting for him to settle down and marry a nice Jewish girl, but it’s always “Just one more miracle, Mom,” or “Just one more sermon on the mount, Mom.” I keep telling him that the orthodontia school won’t hold that space for him forever, but he’s at that difficult age now. He doesn’t listen to his mother anymore.

He doesn’t listen to Joseph either. I know Joe’s only his stepfather, but I can see the look in his eyes when Jesus refuses to help out Joe’s carpentry business. It has to be difficult dealing with general contractors when you know your stepson could set you up for life. I keep telling him, “Now Joseph, let’s be thankful we had one ‘free gold’ night. Most people don’t even get that.”

Well that’s it from Nazareth this year.

I’d love to hear from all of you too. What does the Messiah’s mother have to do to get a letter? (I heard all about your letters to the Corinthians, Paul…I know you can do it.) Would it kill you to include a letter with your birthday cards to Jesus? It would be a nice tradition.

Love to all.

Mary

2006-12-12T21:57:00.000-06:00

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 4)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year. This classic comes from Christmas 1964.

Dear Friends and Family,

Remember in February when my husband took me on that cheap cruise to celebrate our 30th anniversary?

Remember how I complained that I don’t like boats and was afraid that the weather might get rough?

Remember how all of you said that it’ll be fine and just suck it up for the short time?

Well I got five words for you: THREE HOUR TOUR MY ASS!

You’ve probably noticed that Thurston and I haven’t been around the club much this year. That’s because the ship took ground on the shore of some uncharted desert isle. We’ve been stranded here ever since.

Just sit back and I’ll tell you the tale of how we spent 1964 with the five most annoying people on earth.

First there’s this imbecile named Gilligan. He likes to be called a mighty sailin’ man, but it’s unbelievable how clumsy he is. He breaks something really important every week. The amount of time we spend propping up this moron’s deflated ego is ridiculous. Perhaps we’ll get lucky and he’ll be hit by a coconut in the coconut.

Then there’s this overweight gentleman that piloted us right into an island. He weighs in the neighborhood of 300 pounds, and somehow hasn’t lost an ounce despite living on a deserted island. He must be eating 600 oranges a day.

Would you believe Ginger Grant is on our island? Oh, you've never heard of her either? We’ve been here ten months and this "movie star" has already produced 5 variety shows. She keeps saying how lucky it was that I brought nine trunks of clothing. She uses my finest dresses as costumes. Can you imagine? This is probably the best she's ever looked in her dismal career.

There’s also another gentleman we call the professor. The others consider him a “genius" because he can make radios out of bamboo and formulas to cure every disease. He can’t figure out how to get us off this island, however.

Finally, there’s this very sweet girl named Mary Ann. She’s so nice that she’s driving me positively batty. She’s always trying to make the best of things despite our lack of electricity and servants. I hate her guts.

We’ll that’s about it on my end. If you get this letter please keep the bottle that it came in. You know how cheap Thurston can be. Oh and by the way, if you see Sherwood Schwartz kick him in the family jewels for me, OK?

Love and Kisses,

Lovey

Next week: The very first Christmas letter.

2006-12-05T22:35:00.000-06:00

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 3)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

This one was sent in by one of our more connected readers. It's a letter from North Korea, and it just came in this week.

Christmas 2006

Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,

Well, it’s hard to believe that another year has gone by.

Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let’s start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear armament train out of a ditch with his teeth and as springtime approached in April, he shot 17 holes in one on his first day out on the links. He would have had 18 but his caddy gave him the wrong club. Let’s just say he won’t be using that guy again (nor will anyone else) HA HA HA.

We had a lovely summer gardening. Kimmy especially enjoyed needling the Bushes throughout the year. We remodeled the palace and added another path from the main house to the swimming pool. Sadly, Kimmy slipped and fell on it. He now calls it the “Evil Access”. He is such a card. For the record, I told him not to wear his flip flops after it rains.

Even though we had time to relax, don’t think Kimmy spent the whole year goofing off. His accomplishments at work included ending all poverty, curing every disease known to man and establishing a utopian state for all his people. He likes to call North Korea the best kept secret in the whole world. In fact, he’s thinking of using that in our next advertising campaign to lure tourists. I suggested “More Bang For Your Buck” but you know how Kimmy is...he usually gets his way.

He just walked in the room so I have to go now. It seems that some of our neighbors have been on the phone complaining about the noise. (KILLJOYS!) By the way, if you’re planning on sending Kimmy any holiday gifts this year, please note that he’s now six foot six and has a swimmers build.

Cheers,

NAME REDACTED

2006-11-28T22:01:00.000-06:00

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 2)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

This is one is on loan from the British National Archive. It's yellow and brittle, but it's message of Christmas cheer is timeless.

Christmas 1536

Dearest Friends & Relatives,

It is my fondest wish that you and yours enjoy a wonderful Christmas this year.

The King and I welcomed our daughter Elizabeth to the world this year, a moment that we will surely treasure forever. His Majesty is a doting and attentive father. Why, just yesterday he didn’t even say “get thy ugliness and thy bitch child away from me.”

He is surely warming to her.

Dearest Henry has his moments, as all young sleep-deprived fathers do, but we’ve learned not to take him literally. For instance, when he says something like: “If you don’t give me a male heir, I’ll have you beheaded you filthy whore,” he simply means he wants a little brother for our darling Elizabeth. And when he tells anyone who’ll listen that I used witchcraft to get him to marry me, he simply means that he loves me so much, it’s as if I cast spell on him. He’s really sweet that way.

I’ve only been his Queen for two years now, and I’m slowly adjusting. Life in the palace is wonderful, but sometimes it is a little confining. Luckily, a few weeks ago, Henry promised me a trip to a place called Hades. It’s been ages since we traveled, so naturally little Elizabeth and I eagerly await our voyage. It won’t be a long trip (His Majesty promises it will short and swift), but it’s good to get away. My Ladies in Waiting are extremely anxious about this trip, and I’m sure it’s because they simply don’t know what to pack until we find out more about Hades’ climate.

I’m hoping this trip makes 1537 as memorable as 1536. Can you believe 1536 is almost over already? Doesn’t Henry’s ex-communication from the Catholic Church seem like it happened decades ago instead of just last year? My darling husband is really growing into his new role. Lesser men might have buckled from the pressure of running a country and a church, but my Henry is larger than life…he’s nearly 400 pounds now.

So, dear friends and relatives, as you gather round the Christmas fire this year, please pray for my husband, the Supreme Head in Earth of the Church of England, because, in case you don’t remember, it’s high treason not to.

Look for my postcard from Hades.

Lovingly yours,

Ann Boleyn

Next week...a Christmas letter from this Christmas season.

2006-11-21T22:01:00.000-06:00

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 1)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

We acquired this first one (completely authentic--it comes with a letter of authenticity signed by famed attorney U.R. Dumass) on E-bay. It's probably worth a great deal more than the $1000 we paid for it.

December 1928

Dear Friends and Relatives,

What a year! I can’t believe Herbie’s really the new president.

We’re just getting settled into our new home (The White House), but it’s been quite the decorating challenge. Herbie has been putting up his gosh-awful paintings of a “chicken in every pot” throughout the house, and every time I asked the Negro help to please take the paintings down, Herbie ordered them back up.

“Confound it, Mrs. Hoover,” he said, “I’m the President now, and when I issue an order, you can’t be undermining my authority.”

He always talks like that. It’s cute. But when I told him that he would have to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom as long as those paintings were on the wall, he realized the error of his ways. He’s darling, he really is.

One thing I will say about Herbie is that he’s neat…not like that sloppy Coolidge clan. The White House carpeting was so full of dust and debris when we moved in, Herbie said he wished someone would invent a device that could suck it all up.

“And when they do,” he said, “it should be called a ‘Coolidge.’”

“Just take another nip of your presidential moonshine,” I joshed.

“You know that alcohol is illegal, Mrs. Hoover,” he said, and winked.

I love him, the little rascal. He has so many big plans for the economy to make America a more prosperous and powerful country. He talks about it day and night.

“Mark my words, Mrs. Hoover,” he says, “People will never forget what we accomplish in 1929.”

I wouldn’t bet against him. Ever since he beat that filthy Catholic to win the election, he’s been on a roll. Everyone loves him. It goes without saying that the ladies find him irresistable, and I'll admit that really bothered me until eight years ago. Now I see those trollups as Herbie does...voters.

You'll be happy to hear that the attention hasn't gone to his head. The presidency will never change my dear lovable Herbie. I’ve only heard the man cuss one time since we came to Washington, and it was so out of character, we still refer to it as “The Hoover Damn.”

Have a wonderful Christmas this year, and as Charles Lindbergh told us at a White House dinner… “Fly straight, keep your spirits up, and you’ll never crash.”

May you follow that wonderful advice in 1929.

Merry Christmas.

Mrs. Hoover

Next week? A Christmas letter from Ann Boleyn.

You won't want to miss it.

2006-11-14T22:29:00.000-06:00

Million Dollar Holiday Gifts

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

This holiday season we are really in the giving mood. In fact, we’re prepared to give away millions of dollars.

It’s better to teach someone to fish than to give them actual fish, right? That’s why your good buddies Rick and Dave are handing out six of our business ideas from our “Million Dollar File,” absolutely free.

That’s right. The following ideas are all potential goldmines. They only need a fisherman to cast out the line. With a little gumption, a little spit and polish, and a little start-up capital, these businesses could each be worth a mint.

1. Uri-Geller Auto Body Shops
The man can bend spoons with his mind. It’s a total waste of his talent. Think of what he could do for Chevys and Lincoln Town Cars (with no overhead costs!) He wouldn’t return our phone calls, but that doesn’t mean he won’t return yours. Good luck, and please wish him our best.

2. Players Association Fantasy Camps
At the existing fantasy camps featuring players from the 60s and 70s, participants play baseball with the old stars. At this fantasy camp featuring more recently retired players, participants will be taught how to hold out, how to demand your own personal trainer, how to inject your buttocks, and how to manage your financial portfolio. It’s much more realistic than those other “fantasy” camps.

3. Topless Tapas
We’ve had closed-minded potential-investors claim that nobody would go to a Topless Tapas restaurant because only couples go to Tapas joints, and only groups of guys go to Topless joints. They didn’t see the potential of bringing couples and groups of guys together. This is a unity business, one that will allow us to live in harmony. You get it, right? Good. Now open one up. We want to bring our wives.

4. The Dead-Head Job Hunting Guide
We starting writing this book in 1995 (when Jerry Garcia died) as a service to all those poor souls who could no longer follow the Grateful Dead around the country. We figured they would have to get jobs, and wouldn’t have the necessary skills. Our handy guide gave them important interviewing tips like “wear shoes,” and even provided a glossary to explain the real definitions of terms like “business trip.” For some reason we never finished the book, but the deadheads still don’t have jobs. If only someone else took the ball and ran with it…

5. The Deaf Comedy Jam
The HBO people weren’t receptive to our pitch a few years ago, but the new executives working there now will probably see the wisdom of a comedy concert for the deaf—a totally untapped comedy market. A simple word of caution, however. Don’t try to stage it without HBO. They threatened to sue us for copyright infringement if we staged our own, claiming…are you ready for this… “people might confuse it with the Def Comedy Jam.” Right. Talk about paranoid.

6. The Sound of Music Gift Shoppe
OK, let’s start at the very beginning—a very good place to start. We’ve each been to Salzburg and were blown away that there wasn’t a single Sound of Music Gift Shoppe in the town the movie was filmed. What Sound-of-Music-fanatic wouldn’t want to bring home some “raindrops on roses” or “whiskers on kittens” or “brown paper packages tied up in strings” as souvenirs? Yes, Austria is a long, long way to run, but the hills are alive there…with the sound of euros.

There you have it. Millions of dollars you didn’t have five minutes ago. Enjoy your new found wealth.

All we ask is that you think of us when your butler brings you a pina colada at your Bahamian winter home.

Happy Holidays.

2006-11-07T22:32:00.000-06:00

Thinking of the Less Fortunate this Holiday Season

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

It’s seems like every columnist on the planet feels compelled to write a piece on helping the less fortunate this time of year. Since we don’t want to be labeled as insensitive and uncaring, here’s our obligatory sappy holiday column on helping mankind.

With all the worthwhile charities out there, it wasn’t easy picking the one we were going to support. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, neglected children and abused women are all worthy of our attention. Nevertheless, we decided to go in a different direction than the traditional causes. The disease we chose is rarely talked about. There are no Walkathons or celebrity spokespersons to raise money for the unfortunate afflicted. It’s time for us to step up.

We are talking about those poor souls that suffer from ATMDS (ATM Deficiency Syndrome). It’s very sad to watch these simple people trying to navigate the complex protocols that today’s ATM’s demand, especially when you’re waiting patiently behind them. If you haven't witnessed this heartbreaking malady, here a few things to consider.

1) There are two types of ATM machines: "Insert & Suck" and "Swipe." Sadly, sufferers of ATMDS have problems with both types. For the “insert and suck” machines, ATMDS sufferers panic if they can't find the slot. It's even worse with "Swipe" machines. ATMDS sufferers become paralyzed with fear at the mere sight of one.

(Hint to Sufferers: For the "insert and suck" machines, the slot is usually right around the big sign that says INSERT CARD HERE. Some machines will even have a little picture that looks remarkably like your card. Those nice signs will also tell you which way the card should be facing. If you come across a “swipe” machine, just get in your car and find an “insert and suck” machine. You will never ever ever ever ever ever master the quick in and out motion required.)

2) ATMDS sufferers simply cannot remember PIN numbers.

(Hint to sufferers: Tattoo your PIN number right on your freakin arm. Please. In fact, we will pay for the tattoo. If you don’t want the tattoo thing, or you want to choose your number, please pick a number that you have a snowball's chance in hell of remembering...like say, your hourly wage.)

3) ATMDS sufferers have great difficulty planning ahead.

(Hint to sufferers: If you’re going to make a deposit, fill out the little envelope and endorse the checks BEFORE YOU GO TO THE MACHINE. Also, assume that the little pen at the bank is either going to be stolen or out of ink. And no, we don’t have a pen you can borrow. You see, we filled out all the appropriate paper work before we even went to the machine. Crazy huh?)

4) ATMDS sufferers are overwhelmed by the interactive options.

(Hint to Sufferers: There are usually only two language options…English and Spanish. If you only speak Polish or Klingon you’re out of luck. Hide your Euros and Darseks under your mattresses for our sake, OK?)

5) ATMDS sufferers have overactive finger smudge glands, creating horribly smudged finger-mosaics all over the screen.

(Hint to Sufferers: Use the key pad. If you don’t, we will personally lift your prints using techniques from CSI, and plant those grubby little piggy’s on a murder weapon.)

6) ATMDS sufferers cannot remember to take their card after use.

(Hint to Sufferers: On second thought, don’t tattoo your pin number on your arm, just write it on your card. We’ll make sure you get it back.)

There is something about the holidays that brings out the best in most of us. If you suffer from ATMDS, or know someone who does, please send us a check or money order. Until an actual charity is founded for these pour souls, we'll keep that money in an interest-bearing account.

Plus, we'll make you a promise. If you’re standing behind us at the ATM while we’re depositing your generous contributions, we won't make you wait.

2006-10-31T22:47:00.000-06:00

POLITICAL ADVERTISING OVERLOAD

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

It may be different in your state, but here in Illinois the negative political ads are on the air every second of every day, and it’s really starting to affect the citizens.

Overheard in traffic

Woman: You can get in the next lane. It’s moving.

Man: I’m staying the course.

Woman: But this lane is at a standstill.

Man: I will not cut and run.

Woman: But see that orange flashing light up there…this lane closes in five hundred feet. We need to change course.

Man: What kind of a message would that send to the troops repaving this highway?

Woman: How about we will not run you over?

Man: You’ll never understand.

Overheard in a couple’s master bathroom

Man: Honey, can you hand me the toothpaste?

Woman: Ray Miller is always looking for a handout.

Man: What? I just want to brush my teeth.

Woman: Ray Miller. Wrong for America. Wrong for my toothpaste.

Overheard in a child’s bedroom

Son: Mom, can I play on my Gameboy?

Mom: Have you finished your math homework?

Son: My opponent, Mrs. Nosenfunk, thinks that the only way to solve a problem, is to study it forever. The American people want action, not constant study.

Mom: Try this action…do your homework.

Overheard in the family room

Daughter: Dad, can you flip it to MTV?

Dad: The baseball game is on.

Daughter: Aren’t you tired of the same old empty promises? They don’t have a plan for victory.

Dad: Um…

Daughter: This year when you hold the remote, hold it accountable. It’s time for a change.

Dad: I’m not giving you the remote.

Overheard in an office

Worker: Boss, are you surfing the internet? I thought the Employee Manual said that…

Boss: I issued a signing statement.

Worker: A what?

Boss: A signing statement. That means I don’t have to follow the rules, only you do.

Worker: But that’s not fair.

Boss: War isn’t fair. I’m the Commander-in-Chief, and as long as we’re at war with ACME Corp., I have to have all the tools I need to win.

Worker: But you’re reading The Onion.

Boss: Until further notice you will be detained in your cubicle.

It’s like this everywhere now. Please, please, let this election cycle end. We can’t stand it for another moment.

We’re Half Empty and we approved this message.

2006-10-25T00:16:00.000-05:00

Halloween Costume Ideas

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

If you’re anything like us, every year you get invited to Halloween parties, and every year you back out because you can’t be bothered to come up with a costume.

That’s why we’ve come up with a list of costumes (for grown-ups) that are topical, timely, and easy to slap together. You can get more elaborate if you want, but let’s face it…you really don’t want to go to the effort.

1. Dick Cheney’s Hunting Buddy
For this costume, you merely need to pull your shirt all the way up over your head so it appears that your head has been shot off, and then wear a hunting vest and carry a shotgun.
Sample party comment: “Don’t worry, I won’t be shooting my mouth off tonight.”

2. Mark David Karr
Everyone’s favorite fake murderer will be a big hit this year. All you need is a pair of pants pulled all the way up to your chest, a tucked in polo shirt, and a glassy look in your eyes.
Sample party comment: “Shouldn’t we wake up the kids?”

3. Red State
Dress yourself from head to toe in red paint, wear a Dale Earnhart T-shirt and carry a bible.
Sample party comment: Pass the pork rinds. Hey--you're not one of them homos are you?

4. Blue State
Dress yourself from head to toe in blue paint, wear a PBS shirt, and hand out Planned Parenthood brochures.
Sample party comment: Excuse me, hostess? I couldn't help but notice that this party isn't ethnically diverse.

5. Ann Coulter
A long blonde wig, a short black skirt, and a gigantic chip on your shoulder is all that’s needed to pull off this costume.
Sample party comment: “The only reason we’re eating salsa is because the damn liberals let all the Mexicans into the country.”

6. Prince Harry
This is your chance to wear that Nazi uniform your grandfather brought back from the big war. You’re not dressed as a Nazi, you’re dressed as Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi.
Sample party comment: “Easy on the vodka. I don’t want to get blitz-krieged tonight.”

7. Mark Foley
Die your hair gray, and wear an expensive suit with a “No Child’s Behind Left” button on your lapel.
Sample party comment: “I don’t use a bookmark. I just bend over the page.”

8. Robert Novak
Wear a three piece suit from the eighties, comb your hair over your bald head, and scowl.
Sample party comment: “I’m going to the bathroom. Anyone else need to leak?”

9. Dusty Baker
Wear your Cubs jersey, put a toothpick in your mouth, and hold your Cubs hat upside down asking for donations.
Sample party comment: “Will work for appetizers.”

10. Jim Hendry
Put a pillow under your shirt, doughnut crumbs on your face and a folded up Tribune in your back pocket.
Sample party comment:"I brought a cheese tray. It cost $5000."

11. Ozzie Guillen
Wear a White Sox cap, pretend like you've forgotten how to speak English, and never stop talking all night long.
Sample party comment: "No comprende, Senorita. Cervesa?"

12. Nancy Pelosi
Wear a women’s business suit, use a full can of hair spray, and don’t blink the entire night.
Sample party comment: “There aren’t any chips in this bowl. We were told the chips would be there.”

13. Rush Limbaugh
Wear a sports jacket over a golf shirt, and put the biggest fattest cigar you can find in your mouth. Carry a microphone and a Viagra prescription bottle.
Sample party comment: “Are you trying to get a rise out of me?”

14. President Bush's War Strategy
Wear a "NO EXIT" sign around your neck and never leave.
Sample party comment: "Nice try, but turning out the lights is not going to work. I'm not going anywhere."

15. Angelina Jolie
Puff up your lips, wear a lot of lip gloss and carry around about a dozen baby dolls.
Sample party comment: "I don't care if that's your husband, he's leaving with me."

2006-10-17T20:42:00.000-05:00

"JAIL MUSINGS"

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

First things first: neither of us is planning on going to jail.

Ever.

Have you heard the phrase “he’s not built for prison?” That phrase applies to us. We have no desire to join the other fellas in the old cell block dancing to the Jailhouse Rock. It’s one of the great motivating factors keeping us from breaking the law.

On the other hand, we must admit we’ve thought about what life would be like behind bars. We’ve seen enough prison movies and television shows, and read enough stories about what can and often does happen in jail. Plus, with politicians getting indicted left and right this year, it's top of mind. And because we are sick and twisted, our brains have been unable to stop ourselves from considering the following circumstances.

1. The last second call from the governor
What if the phone rang just before the execution, but it wasn’t exactly what the prisoner was expecting?

(Sfx: Phone ringing)

Warden: Hello. Yes, he’s here. Just a moment. It’s for you, Mad Dog.

Prisoner: Hello?

Caller: Is this Mad Dog?

Prisoner: Yes.

Caller: Please hold for the Governor.

Prisoner: (excitedly) Are you serious?

Caller: (muffled laughter) Yeah. Hang on. (muffled laughter)

(Sfx: Click.)

Prisoner: Hello? Hello? Hello?

Warden: Let’s go, Mad Dog. It’s time.

Prisoner: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

2. The conjugal visit
What if the prisoner has waited years for his one conjugal visit, but his wife hasn’t changed at all since she last saw him?

Prisoner: Hi honey.

Wife: Hi Mad dog.

Prisoner: You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.

Wife: Listen, Mad dog, my head is throbbing. Can we do this another time?

Prisoner: What do you mean?

Wife: I’m just tired, and the kids have been a bear lately, and this just isn’t a good time for me.

Prisoner: I won’t get another chance for ten years!

Wife: I’ll come back then, I promise. Can we just cuddle?

3. Tired prison jokes
What if prisoners had to deal with the same sort of daily jokes (Working hard or hardly working?) as office workers?

Prisoner #1: Hey there Mad dog, got a few minutes?

Mad Dog: Very funny, Killer.

Prisoner #1: Sorry. Hey man, that’s an awesome outfit. Where did you get it?

Mad Dog: Very funny, Killer.

Prisoner #1: Sorry to bug ya, dude, but can you get me a rum and coke?

Mad Dog: Where would I get that?

Prisoner #1: Oh sorry. I just saw you tending bars, and I thought…

Mad Dog: Get out.

4. Prison Gang Fraternity Rush
What if they held a traditional fraternity rush to join prison gangs?

White Aryan: Have you ever thought about joining the Aryans?

Prisoner: I’m just kind of meeting all the guys right now, trying to get a feel for the different gangs.

White Aryan: Look, I don’t want to do the hard sell on you, because we only want guys who think for themselves, but I won’t lie--we probably have the best tattoo guy in here.

Prisoner: Really?

White Aryan: We also have the best volleyball team. And our guys can make knives out of dirt.

Prisoner: Really?

White Aryan: You better believe it. We're the best gang in the block.

Prisoner: Is there a membership fee?

White Aryan: One lousy pack of smokes. The crips are charging two packs and they suck at volleyball.

5. Jail House press conference
What if they set up an interview room for execution press conferences?

Reporter #1: Mad dog, can you tell us about your mindset?

Mad Dog: I’m going to give it 110% like I always do. Mad Dog has got to be true to Mad Dog. Yes, the lady in front.

Reporter #2: Mad dog? How do you think it’s going to go in there?

Mad Dog: I’m just going to take it one injection at a time. Yes, you in the back.

Reporter #3: Do you feel any remorse?

Mad Dog: Listen, you can’t dwell on past performance. Just put it behind you, and work on tomorrow.

Reporter #3: But there is no tomorrow.

Mad Dog: No further questions.

Yes, we realize that thinking about jail is weird...but it could always be worse.

Consider these seventeen different convictions, indictments, and/or guilty pleas chronicled here: Political Docket. We may be thinking about prison, but these guys (16 Republican lawmakers, appointees, or lobbyists and 1 Democrat) will be going there. This site doesn't even chronicle our fine local Illinois politicians...which will make the national bunch look like amateurs by the time Pat Fitzgerald gets through with them.

Think of us and listen for the sports cliches when they hold their jailhouse press conferences.

And remember to bring your clothes-pin to the polling booth this year. The smell is worse than usual.

2006-10-10T20:19:00.000-05:00

Wedding Registry Tips

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern

Both of us are coming up on big anniversaries this year (15 years), and we’ve been waxing nostalgic about those halcyon days. Young, free, not a care in the world. Ready, willing and able to spend the rest of our lives with the same woman.

Neither of us regrets it for a second. We wouldn't change a thing.

On the other hand, we wouldn't do it again for all the tea in China.

Planning a wedding isn't exactly a great experience. Inevitably some trivial disagreement will blow up into something legendary. For Rick it was a big argument with his mother about the color of the napkins at the reception. If you ever run into Dave and his wife, mention their wedding photographer and sparks will fly. Let's face it, everyone has something about his or her wedding that was a complete disaster.

The only wedding experience that we'd repeat is registering for gifts. Registering for wedding gifts can be very exciting because it doesn’t seem real...

“You mean all I have to do is write this item down on a piece of paper and I’ll get it?”

Yup. That’s a heck of a deal for the bride and groom. Enjoy it. We enjoyed it so much, we'd do it all over again. But this time we'd do it right.

Brides and grooms should take a little more time thinking about whether or not they’ll really need some of these things before they write them down on the list. Trust us, some of those things that look good on the Crate & Barrel shelf will never be used in real life. Ever. Others may be used, but give us a break, do you really need them?

Think of your guests. They are shelling out good money for these gifts. Don’t make them waste their hard earned money getting you completely useless and unnecessary items.

Here’s a helpful list to avoid.

1) Fine China

In a good year, you’ll use these fancy dishes maybe twice. In a good year. And a typical place setting goes for $150 or so. If you get ten place settings, do the math. You might as well take that $1500 and spend the weekend in Vegas. At least you’ll have good memories. $1500 worth of unused china stored in your china cabinet is the most wasteful thing in your home. Wait…check that. Do a price check on the gravy boat sometime. A typical gravy boat will cost more than a place setting. It’s a bowl that pours gravy. Seriously. Who are you trying to impress? Your boss? Who actually invites his boss to dinner? Unless you’re a hopeless kiss-ass, you’ll want to stay as far away from your boss as possible.

2) Silverware

We’re not talking about the regular fork, knife, spoon set that you’ll use every day, we’re talking about the expensive set that sits in your china cabinet and only comes out twice a year when the china comes out. The expensive set really doesn’t look any different than your regular set, and it doesn’t cut or pick up food any better either. Throw in the salad forks, and you have a clear case of needless utensil duplication. We’ve discovered that people are completely capable of using one fork for their entire dinner, and not only that, they do it every day of their lives. Who are you trying to impress? Your parents? It’s impossible to impress people who once had to wipe your bottom. Give it up.

3) Bedding

Yes, you need a fitted sheet to cover the mattress. Yes, you need a blanket to keep warm. It helps to have a backup of each. Everything else is completely unnecessary. What does the flat sheet do besides get in the way and add to the bed-making headache? Throw pillows? They are so-named because they're always in the way and you have to throw them out of your way. What about duvets? The purpose of a duvet is…um…well…hell, we have no idea what it does. It’s totally unnecessary.

4) Bathroom accoutrements

Decorative soaps aren’t that decorative and aren’t that soapy. Why display them? Really. We mean it. Why? Potpourri is nothing more than a couple of sweet smelling twigs next to the toilet. Hear that sound? That’s the sound of your wedding guests flushing their hard earned money down that same sweet smelling toilet.

Of course there are many other items that are a matter of personal taste. If you really think you need an edger to manicure your lawn like a putting green, be our guest. If you really think you need a fancy letter opener (maybe you have ten broken fingers for instance), have it at. A fancy bookmark instead of a piece of scrap paper, fine—you may be reading a book made out of gold.

All we ask is that you don’t start checking things off without thinking about them first.

And, by the way, when your wife asks you to decide between two items, ask her which one she likes better and pick the same one. You don’t really care anyway.

Do you?