GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS,
STAGE 3 BARGAINING (Part 2)

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re concluding Stage 3: Bargaining.


Putting together a deal for God

As you put together your proposal for Him to bargain your way out of baldness, it might behoove you to make sure that you’re speaking to the correct Him via the correct religion. What is the correct religion? Well, we aren’t exactly qualified to tell you that. However, we will point out that the religion in which you were born and raised is probably your best shot. After all, He might have had a hand in that choice.

Any choice you made in adulthood might have been made for less than pure reasons. It’s a common mistake amongst our people.

Finnegan’s Yarmulke

“I was brought up in a strict Irish Catholic family. Mass every week, confession, Notre Dame football… you know, the whole nine yards. So you can imagine my family’s surprise when I converted to Judaism. I loved everything about it. Corned beef sandwiches, meat on Fridays, Shecky Green. I didn’t realize until months later that I only converted so I could wear a Yarmulke. If only I had recognized the truth before they took my foreskin.”
--Patrick F, Boston

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

Conversion to Judaism amongst our people is very common. The back of the head bald spot and the yarmulke are a marriage made in heaven. The shape and design of that cap is obviously not a coincidence, and it has been working miracles for thousands of years. You may have convinced yourself that you chose Judaism for its beautiful history and tradition. You may even have convinced your family that the $20,000 you pay to the synagogue is well worth it because of God’s teachings. You may even convince your fellow Jews that you have chosen this religion for all the right reasons.

But you can’t fool Him. He knows.

Don’t offer a deal to Him as a Jew if you’re really a Catholic. It diminishes your odds right off the bat.

Cooter’s Turban

“Let’s just say finding a Mosque in Mississippi wasn’t easy. Squirrel hunting in a turban wasn’t a picnic either”
--Cooter S, Biloxi

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

If you were born and raised as a Southern Baptist and converted to Islam in adulthood, that’s fine…as long as your reasons aren’t headgear-related. In Islam every man is encouraged to cover his head with a turban. Muslim men are not judged by their hair. If you can grow a beard, and most of us can, then it’s not too hard to see how this religion might have appealed to you. Every day you get on your knees and bow to Mecca and anyone watching you won’t be looking at the top of your head because it will covered by a truly impressive headgear. Throw in the promise of seventy virgins if you die a martyr and we can understand how this happens.

But if you’re about to offer a deal to Him and you call him by the wrong name, it might not help your cause. Most importantly, remember that He knows the real reason you chose this religion—and if you’re trying to get your hair back, that’s not going to help.

Pope Chang

“I probably didn’t realize it until the first time my hat came off trying to walk through a low doorway. I was blinded by the big hat. I didn’t see the downside.”
--P. Chang, Shanghai

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

Many of our people entering the priesthood do it with gusto and ambition. The reason is simple: the hats keep getting bigger and better as you move up the Catholic hierarchy. Again, this isn’t a bad thing unless you converted to Catholicism just for the headgear. If you were raised in a remote village somewhere in China and just happened to see the Pope on a satellite television broadcast one day—it doesn’t count if you converted just for the cool big pointy hat.

Far be it from us to advise high ranking members of the church what to do when they make a deal with Him, but let’s face it—He knows.

Dali Fred

“The first time I heard him speak I knew he was speaking the truth. It wasn’t until my wife asked me what he said that I realized I wasn’t listening. I was blinded by his beautiful bald head.”
--D. Fred Smith, Kansas

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the (lack of) hairstyle?

The Dali Lama has helped spread the world-wide popularity of Buddhism. Just a few generations ago, Buddhists were quite rare in Western society. Maybe you were swept up in the excitement yourself. But be honest. Was it the message? Or was it the hair? Or was it the chance to move to Tibet?

We can clear it up in your mind with one simple question: Do you like Richard Gere?

If you do like him because you share a religion with him, then by all means, you are in the right religion. Make your bargain. If you still find yourself having an inexplicable white-hot hatred for Richard Gere, you might have chosen this religion for another reason.

This is the time for painful self-examination. You can fool your loved ones and your friends, but you can’t fool Him.

Vishnu Fritz

“Gandhi seemed like the perfect man to me. But when I converted to Hinduism and they made me an ‘Untouchable’ I realized that I might have just been blinded by his beautiful bald dome.”
--V. Fritz, Berlin

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the (lack of) hairstyle?

We’ve heard you extolling the virtues of your new religion. The Karma thing sounds very good—we’re all for it. The reincarnation thing has a definite appeal, no question about it. If you were born into this religion, then more power to you. You may not even need to make a deal with Him because you’re hanging in there for a full head in the next lifetime.

But if you chose this religion because of Gandhi’s hairstyle, and yes, we’re talking to you Fritz; you better remember that before you offer a deal to Him.

He knows.

Krishna Ethan

“The first thing I noticed was the cool orange outfit. I grew up in Syracuse and the orange appealed to me. But I must admit I didn’t convert until I started losing my hair. It’s a good look, but the airport food is starting to get to me.”
--K. Ethan, Syracuse

For a bald man, the lure of Hare Krishna is difficult to overstate. The obvious appeal of the hairstyle (or lack of one) barely needs to be pointed out. But the additional bonus of people calling you “Hare” is irresistible. The chance to repeat this word in chant after chant has got to feel great.

On the other hand, if you’re trying to broker a deal during this bargaining phase of Stage 3, you have very little chance of success if you aren’t bargaining with the right Guy. Listen to the song “My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison. Does it speak to you? If yes, bargain away. If no, you’ve been lured by the hairstyle and the name. If it simply reminds you of the song “He’s so Fine” by the Chiffons, don’t call a lawyer. It’s already been settled in a court of law.


Closing the Deal

After you are 100% sure that you’re in the correct religion, then—and only then are you able to pitch your deal to God.

You should know that the odds of your success are still overwhelmingly against you. Making a deal with God is like making a telemarketing cold call to a Vietnam veteran asking for a donation to the Jane Fonda Free Speech Fund. Is it hopeless? Probably. But you can’t make a sale or get the big job if you don’t go for it. There may be a miracle, right?

If you are a skilled salesman or negotiator you’ll want to use some of those techniques while speaking with God. If you aren’t, as a service to you, we’ll go over a few of those techniques to give you a little help. You’ll need it. It’s all a matter of knowing who you’re dealing with, what you’re offering, where and when you’re offering it, and how and why you’re offering it.

Who?

Know your customer. God has already made his feelings about baldness clear in His book. He’s very pro-bald. So why would he consider giving you hair? He likes you just the way you are. He is what we call in the sales game “a tough sell.” He has all of the power in this relationship and you have none.

Read up on Him. Get to know who He is and what He likes. For instance, there is a chance that he doesn’t even like you. How do you know if he really doesn’t like you? He has His ways of making himself heard.

• Do you live in a flood plain? If you can swim in your basement he doesn’t like you.
• Do you live on a fault line? He doesn’t get more obvious than when he makes the entire earth shake beneath you.
• Do you live in Florida? After the second or third hurricane you should have gotten the message, but four in one season? He doesn’t like you.
• Do you root for the Cubs? He’s been very clear on this for a hundred years.

What?

We recommend a gift, and some sort of service. He seems to like both of those concepts.

You have to give a gift, it’s only polite. Look at the examples of the gifts he has accepted over the years; a child, a life, etc. Those are big-time gifts, but let’s face it, those guys were asking for a lot more in return than you are. You’re not asking for eternal life or for all of mankind’s sins to be forgiven. You just want your hair back.

So what can you offer as a gift? Remember this isn’t the big part of your offer; it’s just a little ice breaker to show you care. The following suggestions are all appropriate without being too showy or bribe-y:

• Homemade baked goods
• A nice floral arrangement
• A picture frame
• A box of candy

What is not appropriate? You have to cover yourself here. Don’t give Him anything that might offend Him in another religion either, like…

• Pork
• Beef
• Dancing
• Anything featuring a picture of a uncovered woman’s face

After you come up with a gift, it's time to pick the way you'll promise to serve Him. Again, keep it realistic. You can choose to serve him for life as a priest or a monk or a Rabbi or an Ayatollah, but the men who do that are usually seeking a bigger payback than you are. They want eternal life. You just want your hair back.

But what does He want from you? Let’s go back to those big ten rules again. Those were etched in stone and are a pretty good place to start. Don’t go overreaching by promising to live by all ten rules forever. You can’t do it. The second you break your promise, your hair will fall out again. Plus, you have no credibility. It would be like Congress promising to end all partisan bickering. He won’t buy it—it’s not going to happen.

So pick one of the big ten and offer to live by it forever. There is a catch here, of course. You can’t pick the one that you already follow because he knows you already follow it. (“No more killing, God, you have my word.”) You have to give up one that you really love to break. It’s the least you can do for your hair.

• If you’re a chronic Sabbath-avoider, promise to go to Church every week (or your religion’s equivalent)
• If you’re a big Name-in-Vainer, promise to bite your tongue in traffic. Forever.
• If you’re a big coveter, promise to install an Internet web-blocker and/or firewall to prevent, ahem, surfing.
• If you’re a chronic Non-Honorer of your mother and father; promise to stop referring to them as a “royal pain in the ass.” Forever.

Where & When?

OK, let’s say you have a canolli for Him and you’ve decided that you’ll stop using His name in vain in the car. Where do you give Him the offer? He’s everywhere, right?

Well, yes he is, but he does have a lot of homes. Look for the big buildings with the steeples if you are Christian, or for the temples if you are Buddhist or Jewish or Hindu. The offer will mean more if you present it to him at his home. You are showing that you’re willing to go the extra mile. This is a no-brainer.

When to do it is a little trickier. If you make your offer during a service, other people may try to eat your canolli. We recommend doing it during a very important sporting event. God will appreciate it if you show up during the Super Bowl. It’s just another subtle way of showing him how serious you really are.

How?

Dress in your nicest suit. Presentation is important. Repeat this word to yourself over and over again: Humble. You are humble. You have never been this humble. You are Steve Marriot, the leader of Humble Pie. (For you kids, that’s a rock group from the 60’s and 70’s).

Give Him the canolli (a fresh one—please don’t get cheap here) and make your offer. Keep it simple and direct. Don’t waste your time with any smalltalk—it’s too risky. You may inadvertently say something you shouldn’t say. Say what you have to say, usually something like this: “Dear God, if you give me my hair back I promise that I will never use Your name in vain again in traffic; even when I get cut off, even when somebody is driving too slow in the left lane, and even when other motorists ignore the rules of the road.”

Then get out of there. You’ve done all you can do.

What if God actually answers you?

Let’s say our canolli & no swearing in traffic promise actually gets a verbal response from Him. Then what? Good news and bad news. The good news is that God does grant face to face sales appointments on occasion. The bad news is that these meetings are only scheduled after you’ve passed over to the other side. You’ve probably just been involved in some sort of a fiery car crash.

Now you may have to sell the Boss on two things. One, you’ll have to sell Him on your value to humanity so He keeps you around. That’s a given. But don’t forget why you wanted to talk to Him in the first place. This is a once in a lifetime chance to get a direct answer. Try to sell Him on giving you your hair back too. Remember that’s, “hair back” and not “back hair.” Rookie reps often make that mistake.

Can a bargain with God actually work?

You should have asked us that question a long time ago. There’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you since the beginning of this section.

God doesn’t bargain.

Ever.

Sorry.

He’s already giving you exactly what he wants to give you. He’s perfect, and when you’re perfect that means ZERO mistakes. He wants you to lose your hair.

So why did we spend an entire section covering “Bargaining” if there was zero chance of success? The same reason we spent an entire section on “Denial” and an entire section on “Anger.” You have to go through this process to reach acceptance.

It was for your own good.