"GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 2 (Anger)"

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 2 Anger, first apologizing for those who have displayed this bald anger before, then beginning to offer some tips on where the Stage 2 man should direct his anger.


Why are you so upset?

“I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore”
--Peter Finch, “Network”

Fullheads always ask bald people why we’re so upset about going bald. The following is a typical exchange.

Bald: “I can’t believe I’m losing my hair.”
Fullhead: “Oh get over it. What’s the big deal?”
Bald: “Get over it? GET over it? GET OVER it? GET OVER IT?”
Fullhead: “Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. You look fine.”
Bald: “Not a big deal? Give me your heart.”
Fullhead: “What?”
Bald: “Give your damn heart. Come here. I’m going to rip that heart right out of your body. It’s not that big of a deal. It’s only been a part of your body since birth and it’s going to be taken away for no good reason.”
Fullhead: “Get away from me, man.”
Bald: “Give me your heart. I’m going to rip it out of your body and show it to you as a constant reminder of what you used to have.”
Fullhead: “Let go weirdo.”
Bald: “I…want…that….heart.”
Fullhead: “Heeey. That hurts, stop it.”
Bald: “It’s not…that big…of…a deal. (Riiiiip)
Fullhead: Aaaeeeeeaaaaah!
Bald: “Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. You look fine.”

Historical Anger

For all of the incredible achievements of bald people, we have had a few bad moments. Stage Two-ers have a tendency to get a little irritable, and sometimes act out in inappropriate ways. We’re betting that even Gandhi had a few of these moments while he was going through Stage Two. It’s probably best to acknowledge the most egregious examples of inappropriate anger right now and get past it, so we can move on to more constructive ways of displaying your anger today.


The Romans

OK, we’ll admit that the Romans had a bit of a balding problem. Virtually all of their emperors were losing their hair, and that might have led to a cranky outburst or two. There was that whole throwing the Christians to the lions thing, and Nero’s burning of the entire city, and the attempted take over of the world thing, but let’s face it, life was no picnic for Roman Emperors. Julius Caesar, for instance, was quite literally stabbed in the back by Fullheads Brutus and Cassius. That sort of behavior has a tendency to cause anger too. We’re not excusing the Emperor’s behavior, just identifying the cause of it. The Roman Emperors were Stage Two-ers looking for a little compassion. If they had gotten it, everything would have been fine.

The Crusades

OK, King Richard of England did lead the bloody crusades to the Holy Land leaving death and destruction in his wake. But did you know that King Richard was a balding man? Does anyone ever take the pain he must have been enduring into account? No.

He fits the profile of a Stage Two-er so perfectly. First, he wanted to get as far away (Isolation) as he could possibly go. Then after he got away and his problem didn’t go away (balding head), he reached Stage Two. Instead of celebrating King Richard as a man who was evolving through the stages of hair loss grieving, most of the world considers him a mass murderer. You can call his critics whatever you want. We call them “small minded.”

The Great Explorers

OK, despite the glowing reviews we gave them last month, we’ll admit that the Great Explorers during the 15th and 16th centuries had their faults too. Yes, Christopher Columbus and his men allegedly raped and killed thousands of natives when they landed on the island that is now Haiti and the Dominican Republic. Yes, Pizarro allegedly had natives of Peru torn apart by dogs if they didn’t accept Jesus as their savior. Yes, Sir Francis Drake was a slave trader, who built his fortune by harvesting human flesh. Yes, Captain Cook’s exploits in Hawaii make him a hated figure there amongst the natives to this day. But they were hurting inside. And nobody cared.


Victorian England

The English of the 19th Century were notoriously balding. Nearly every politician and statesman from the era grew a gigantic beard to offset his balding head while in Stage One, and when he reached Stage Two, he and his fellow Stage Two-ers had a tendency to try and colonize the entire world. One classic Stage Two-er took out his anger on his own people instead.

Ebenezer Scrooge never killed anyone, but the miserly man let his countrymen starve by giving them juice loans and then foreclosing on their properties when they couldn’t pay him. His anger was so intense he even made his Fullhead employee Bob Cratchitt work on Christmas. But did anyone ever try to understand the source of Ebenezer’s anger? No.



Who should you hate during Stage 2?

The easy answer is: everyone. The more educated answer is: there are some great historical targets.

A Picture is worth a Thousand Tears

Until the late nineteenth century, photography was a very expensive hobby that only boasted the very rich as its devotees. There were large segments of the population that had never seen a camera, let alone owned one. However, in 1888 a jerk named George Eastman decided it was time to perfect a camera that could be marketed to the masses.

If he had never been born, there would be few, if any pictures of you with hair. You would be forever spared the gut wrenching pain of stumbling upon a photo from your youth. There would be no lonely afternoons gazing longingly at the worn and tattered photos of your long gone hair. There would have been no time wasted gently stroking and gingerly kissing those old photos. Think of what our people could have accomplished.

If you’re going to hate…and you are…it’s part of Stage 2, my friend…spend a little bit of time hating George Eastman.

Keeping them in the Dark

The Middle Ages were a time of much joy and happiness for our people. Fullheads were dying in droves and we were generally left alone. Living with disease-carrying rats really wasn’t all that bad. Also, let’s not forget that the Middle Ages were also called the “DARK Ages.” Whereas, historians generally agree that the Dark Ages ended in 1400 we feel they concluded much later.

In 1880 Thomas Edison and Joseph Swan teamed up and produced the first practical light bulb. Until that time, light bulbs would burn out too quickly or set the town on fire. After news of their invention spread, everyone had to have electric light in their homes. You know how fads are.

Simpletons often ask, “Weren’t candles and gas lights used before Edison?” Yes, they were and we didn’t like them much either. However, candles and gas lights didn’t produce the same illumination as the light bulb. In fact, some of the shadows these lights produced actually made us look like we had more hair.

If you’re going to hate…and you are…it’s part of Stage 2, my friend…spend a little bit of time hating Thomas Edison.


WTF are you looking at?

It’s generally accepted that the Chinese first developed eyeglasses sometime before the thirteenth century. However, the Chinese version was quite cumbersome, and eyeglasses didn’t gain widespread popularity until the 18th century. That’s when a London optician named Edward Scarlett devised the rigid side arms that rest atop the ears. His invention allowed the popularity of eyeglass to soar.

Before 1730, our people were having their way with farsighted women left and right. We were “enjoying the company” of gals with astigmatisms almost at will. This Scarlett guy comes along and reduces our chances by about eighty percent. Thanks a lot fella. Thankfully, no Fullhead has found a cure for many forms of blindness yet.

If you’re going to hate…and you are…it’s part of Stage 2, my friend…spend a little bit of time hating Edward Scarlett.

Living in the past, hating for the future

Let us reiterate that your time in Anger and Rage is fleeting. Use this guide as a sort of beginner’s syllabus for hate. Please keep in mind that George Eastman, Thomas Edison, and Edward Scarlett, are just a few of the historical figures that deserve our fury. Remember, there’s a limitless supply of graves that need to be defaced and you don’t have much time. Don’t forget the middle of the night crank phone calls to their descendants either.