GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 3)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Plugs and Pieces


Plugs: Fun with Self Mutilation

“They made it sound so easy. How was I supposed to know that drilling 10,000 little holes in my head would be dangerous?”
---Nicholas C.

“I did it so I could swim better.”
--- Jack S.

Check any phone book and you’ll see dozens of hair transplant clinics where our people are ruthlessly exploited.

Hair transplant procedures have changed throughout the years. Nevertheless, the basics have remained the same; ripping hairs out of the only part of your scalp that isn’t bald yet, and ramming those hairs into lots and lots of little holes that have been drilled into your bald scalp.

Sounds like a great time doesn’t it? Yet, millions of our brothers have gone to these torture chambers like dazed robotic lemmings.

The Real Pain

Unfortunately, the real pain and agony of a hair transplant usually occurs right after the procedure is completed. We’re not even talking about the four, sometimes five figure check that you have to hand over to the quack. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life.

OK, let’s say you have a transplant on the Saturday before Memorial Day. You’re thinking that the extra day off will help with your recuperation. You wake up Tuesday morning with a renewed sense of self worth. You eagerly get into your car and drive to work. In fact, you might even drive with the top down. What the heck? It’s fun to feel the wind through you “hair.” You arrive at work and whistle a happy tune as you walk to your desk.

Then what do you think will happen?

Think no one will notice?

Think someone will say, “Hey Bill, you look great. New sweater?”

No. What happens is that the first coworker who sees you will immediately call another coworker and that coworker will email another and pretty soon you’ll have the whole department staring at your head, asking if you have any extra staples.

Now that sounds like a great time, doesn’t it?

Pieces: Fun with Humiliation

“Nobody has the slightest idea because I have all different kinds of hairpieces. People just think I’m getting a haircut or changing my hairstyle.”
--William S.

“No one suspects a thing because it’s just a thin hairpiece. It looks like I’m losing hair—not like it’s been gone for thirty years.”
--Sam D.

There are two types of people in the world who can’t spot a hairpiece: blind people and dead people. Everyone else sees it right away. Not just within a few minutes, but immediately. If you think that everyone is looking at your head because they are admiring your great new hairstyle, you may be in the deepest throngs of denial.

You have a beaver on your head. People don’t miss that sort of thing.

Don’t be taken in by those tempting commercials. If you saw that swimming guy in real life instead of the two dimensional television view you’d say “Hey buddy—you have a wet beaver on your head. Better drop that hot chick pretending she doesn’t notice and run for your life!”

We’re sorry to be so blunt here, but you need to snap out of this. You are in deep denial. You are in so deep that the creatures at the bottom of the sea are now asking each other what that guy with the beaver on his head is doing swimming in the abyss.

Career Reasons

Sometimes media stars feel they need to go this hairpiece route because the public would never accept them as bald. The list is long and painful: William Shatner, Ted Danson, Marv Albert, Howard Cosell, Willard Scott, Sam Donaldson, Ricardo Montalban, Frank Sinatra, Fred Estaire, Charlton Heston, Burt Reynolds, Elton John, Greg Gumbel, etc.

Gentlemen, (those of you still alive), give it up. It’s OK, really. We don’t care if you’re bald or not. Does anyone really believe Frank Sinatra wouldn’t have been just as good as an openly bald singer? It’s not really a visual skill, Frank. Look at your buddy Don Rickles—it hasn’t hampered his career.

Burt Reynolds…we implore you. You were bald in 1970. It’s OK.

Marv Albert…when we say “beaver on your head” we’re thinking of you.

Elton John…the wacky glasses AND a wig? If you aren’t in denial about that other issue anymore, can’t you just give up the denial game altogether? Your fans are your age too. We understand.

Greg Gumbel…we saw you as a sportscaster in Chicago in the early 80s. You were balding then. Did you accidentally get hit by a hair truck?

Charlton Heston…don’t worry, your cold dead hands can still grip that gun, but please take the dead animal you shot with that gun off your head.

William Shatner…your five year mission is to explore new worlds without hairpieces, to boldly go where only one other Starship captain has gone before (Jean Luc Picard).

Sam Donaldson…we can actually see the tape. No kidding.

Ricardo Montalban…the fine Corinthian leather doesn’t belong on top of your head.

The Real Pain

Hairpiece purchasers run into the exact same scenario as hair plug devotees. With celebrities or people in the public eye this is even more the case. There is photographic evidence, people. Anyone can find pictures of you from a few years ago and see that your hair was thinning. We’re not morons. There is absolutely no excuse for a celebrity to think he pull this off.

On the other hand, we can understand how the average Joe may think he’s getting away with the hairpiece thing. You think it’s subtle. You may even try to slowly increase the size of your hairpieces to subtly go back to a full head of hair.

Please sit down. This is going to hurt.

Unless you are moving to a place where no one knows you and never knew you, people will notice. We know what you’re thinking; they’ll notice that you’re going bald too. Yes, that’s true, but they’ve already noticed that. This is a whole new wrinkle. Now they just think you are pathetically insecure.

It would be one thing if strangers didn’t notice, but they notice too. Even the best hairpieces aren’t that good. People can tell. Think about this; those celebrities we listed are all very wealthy. They can afford the best hairpieces that money can buy.

Are they wearing good hairpieces? Is there a single guy on that list you said “Really? He wears a piece?”

That’s what we thought.

You Can’t Run Forever

It’s time to face up to the facts that you’re losing your hair and there is nothing you can do about it. There are no magic potions or viable scientific options that will bring back your loved ones. You’re in this for the long haul and you better start living again. Ignoring your problems won’t make them go away. It’s time to head out into the world and drink up all it has to offer. Are you ready? Can you leave your anxiety and fears behind?

Didn’t think so.

Sorry to tell you this, but Isolation doesn’t work either. Next month, we’ll prove it to you.