GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 4 DEPRESSION (Part 1)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the toughest stage of all--Depression.

Historical Depression

When we meet our balding brothers struggling through the depths of Stage 4, the question they most often ask us is this: How long will this last?

We wish we had an easy “one size fits all” answer to that question, but it has varied throughout history. It could take you quite awhile to come to grips with your loss. On the other hand, something out of your control could happen to society to speed up the process significantly. That’s the silver lining. Root for a repeat of one of the following periods in history, and you could be cruising into Stage 5 before you know it.

The Bubonic Plague

Our people suffered greatly during the Dark Ages. Demons were often thought to be the cause of hair loss, and the moron fullheads dealt with those demons with classic fullhead cruelty. That is, until the Plague hit Europe in the 6th century. Those were the days. The fullheads were simply too preoccupied with dying and burying their dead to persecute us during the reign of death known as “The Bubonic Plague.”

Bald men walked side by side with fullhead men carrying the dead bodies out of their homes and throwing them into the pauper’s graves. Sure our people also died occasionally, but they didn’t suffer through Stage 4. They skipped right from Stage 3 to Stage 5. It’s sad to think that it took the worst health crisis in history to get them off our backs but we’ll take what we can get. Mentally, we have never been stronger.

We should also note that the Plague made a triumphant comeback in the 14th century and again in the 17th century. We’re about due for another outbreak, and if we get one, your stay in Stage 4 will be short indeed.

The Irish Potato Famine

In the years 1845-1850 the potato crop failed in Ireland, causing widespread famine and death. Over a million people died of hunger and diseases like typhus and cholera; entire villages were wiped out. Millions more emigrated to the United States and Britain, and many of them died on the voyage.

While it was admittedly a very bad time for Ireland, not a single bald Irishman had to spend a single day wallowing in Stage 4.

Lucky bastards.

The Influenza Pandemic

While the Plague really only affected Europe and the Potato Famine really only affected Ireland, the Influenza Pandemic of 1918-1919 was worldwide. It actually started in the United States (Kansas) and spread like wildfire. Soldiers were returning home all over the world from World War I and they brought influenza home with them. In one year over 25 million people died from the flu. Coming on the heels of nine million men dying on the battlefield during the War, this pandemic was so devastating that the entire world sunk into a deep depression.

But not one single bald man suffered through Stage 4.

Think of that next time there’s uproar over a flu vaccine shortage.


The Great Depression

The stock market crashed in 1929, and America didn’t really recover economically until we entered the war in 1941. With typical fullhead hubris, this time in our nation’s history has been identified as the Great Depression. Sure there was widespread poverty. Yes, people stood in bread lines, and pinched pennies just to survive.

But the bald man did not suffer through the Great Depression. Everyone was too depressed to make fun of us. In an ironic twist, the time period that shares a name with the name of Stage 4, was a great time for our people.


Curses Foiled Again

“I guess the old saying, “Be careful for what you wish for” is true. I never could imagine that the fulfillment of my dreams could leave me so empty.”
--Alan P.

Up until recently, there were a fairly large number of well-adjusted bald men that resided in the northeastern part of the United States. Rarely thinking about their hair loss, this group spent most of their days preoccupied with other sorrows. In fact, anyone coming in contact with these people was instantly inundated with unbelievable tales of their pain and suffering. Ironically, male pattern baldness was never mentioned. Often overbearing and annoying, these men seemed to derive their identity from their non-hair related angst. The lives of these men seemed to completely revolve around their heartache. Their grief was so profound that they couldn’t stop talking about it. They would rehash the same tales of woes over and over again. However, like all good tragedies theirs came to an abrupt end in the fall of 2004. Reality would hit these people square in the jaw and as usual it would be at the hands of a Fullhead.

In November, 2002 Theo Epstein became the General Manager for The Boston Red Sox. That was the beginning of the end for our northeastern brothers. In two short years, Epstein would put together a team that would win the 2004 World Series. With that championship our bald brothers instantly stopped their constant bitching, whining and complaining about the Red Sox. Our researchers have discovered that before 2004 the average bald Red Sox Fan would spend 94% of their waking hours obsessed with “The Curse.” Now, sadly, 100% of their time is spent thinking about their real curse.

Hope for tomorrow

It’s easy to get wistful for those good old days when you read this chapter during your Stage 4 suffering. Why do you have to live in such a prosperous country during such a prosperous time? It’s just not fair! Well, there’s some good news for you.

Over the past two decades virtually all of the industry and manufacturing in this country has moved overseas. In the past ten years most of the customer service industry has also moved overseas. America really only produces one thing right now: money. The current federal budget deficit is so astounding that many foreign countries that have been keeping the dollar artificially afloat are beginning to abandon it. And when the rest of the world stops supporting the dollar, our economy could collapse.

That’s right; the country that consumes about 25% of all the world’s goods could be headed for another very dark economic time. If that happens, the entire world’s economy could come crashing down.

It may not happen, but keep your hopes up.

If it does, you’ll be out of Stage 4 in a heartbeat.