GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DEPRESSION, Part 2
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we conclude the toughest stage of all--Depression.

Words of Comfort

While mired in depression, comfort is an elusive lady indeed. Luckily for us, many of the greatest poets of all-time were our people. From William Shakespeare to Rudyard Kipling to E.E. Cummings to Ogden Nash to James Taylor, our people have been waxing poetic. While none of these greats ever used their enormous talent to write poems or meditations to calm others suffering “the loss,” they each had definite styles and approaches to poetry that have stood the test of time.

We would be remiss if we didn’t extend a special thank you to their descendants Chuck, Wayne, F.F., Splash, and Jamie, for writing the pieces in this chapter.* They obviously have the same gift as their famous bald descendants, and have written these poems “in the style of” those great men. We hope you carry these poems with you in your heart, and may they push you more quickly to the Promised Land: Stage 5.

*These poets may be using pseudonyms and might not actually be related to the great poets in any way, even distantly.

William Shakespeare 1564-1616

While William Shakespeare is obviously best known as the greatest playwright in history, he was also a distinguished poet. He wrote Sonnets.

Sonnets are 14-line poems written in iambic pentameter. The rules for writing sonnets are very specific and rigid, and therefore writing a memorable sonnet is quite an accomplishment; probably the reason why Shakespeare was also considered one of the greatest poets of his time. We now present for you, a Shakespearean (Chuck Shakespeare) Sonnet about “The Loss.” May it inspire you, the way it has inspired us.

**We ran the 37 rules for a Sonnet by Chuck and he decided to disregard at least 35 of them. Please concentrate on substance over style.

“The Loss”
By Chuck Shakespeare

Thou were there to greet me in the morn as I lay,
Lamenting thine misshapen curls,
Twas a “Bed Head,” I heard my valet say,
Another of his colloquial pearls,
Then one day thine “bed head” stayed on the bed,
Even as the rest of me arose,
I shuttered in horror and wished I was dead,
An easy target for razor tongued foes,
With a quill in my hand and no hair on my head,
I penned plays that will never be topped,
Five centuries later I’m still widely read,
The floor with my foes I have mopped,
I suffered no loss on that bed-headless day,
I hope my bald brothers I have shown you the way.

Rudyard Kipling 1865-1936

Famous bald Nobel Prize-winning writer Rudyard Kipling was probably best known for his story “The Jungle Book.” He also wrote such great works of fiction as “Kim” and “Captain Courageous.” While he was probably better known for his novels and short stories, he was also a greatly respected poet. One of his poems “Gunga Din” is still recited some eighty years after his death. (Perhaps you’ve seen the film inspired by the poem starring Peter Lorre as well.)

Kipling loved to write about the places he saw on his travels; places like Africa and India. He wrote of safaris and hunting and foreign cultures. His descendant Wayne* has a similar love for these themes (although he is Australian and has never actually traveled to the places Rudyard Kipling wrote about) and incorporates them into his work as well. We’re sure that the words to his famous poem “Gunga Skin” will help you as you toil in Stage 4 depression.

*Rudyard Kipling and Wayne share not only a last name and a bald head; they spoke with a British-sort-of-accent. That’s good enough for us to declare them related.

“Gunga Skin”
By Wayne Kipling

You always talk of your greasy hair,
It’s oily, it’s itchy, sticks out everywhere,
On Safari there is no shampoo
Under your hat it is sweaty,
So you’re never ready,
To shoot at the damn kangaroo
But my rifle is cocked,
Though my bald head is mocked,
This kangaroo hunt I do win,
Without a hair thatch,
My shooting’s unmatched,
And they call me… Gunga Skin.

E.E. Cummings 1894-1962

Famous bald poet E.E. Cummings was probably the second most popular American poet of the 20th century. He was known for his bold approach to poetry; shunning rules and conventions. He wasn’t bothered with rhymes or punctuation or syntax; a poetic rebel, an intellectual giant.

His ancestor F.F. Cummings has the same approach to poetry. Unlike his forefather, F.F. doesn’t cover a broad variety of subjects, but the one subject he attacks is the one subject that can help you the most as you struggle with Stage 4. F.F. is a champion of the bald man. Enjoy this work written especially for us.

“follicles”
by
f.f. cummings

follicles needy, my petulant child, gimme gimme gimme
Gimme nutrients, gimme soap, gimme nutrients, gimme soap, gimme life then gimme freedom
take your freedom, take it down the drain, tangle yourself there.
a plumber charges seventy five dollars an hour, liquid plumber is cheap
and I pour it on you, eating you up, sending you down in the sewer
now you tangle on rats as you swim to the sea and you tangle on dung and you reek
you have freedom, enjoy your new life, my new head doesn’t miss you, my petulant child
no more gimme no more gimme no more gimme. I breathe now.
and you rot in the sewer.

Ogden Nash 1902-1974

Famous bald poet Ogden Nash was a regular contributor the New Yorker, to Saturday Evening Post, and many literary publications of the 20th century. He wrote humorous and thought provoking poems for both adults and children. Often these poems were quite short and to the point. Among his more famous poems…
“Candy, is dandy, but liquor, is quicker.”

Nash died in 1974, but his tradition lives on with his relative* Splash. Splash Nash is a raconteur, a man about town, a gadfly. Strangers invite him to dine with them because of his witty repartee. And yes, like his relative Ogden, Splash is a bald man. We asked him to give us one of his latest poems.

*Splash wouldn’t provide us with any sort of documentation to prove he is related to Nash, but he shares a non-haircut and last name with the famous poet, and that’s good enough for us.

“Bald”
by Splash Nash

Bald,
I’ve been called,
But they can stare,
At my lack of hair,
Cause I’m a millionaire,
So I don’t care

James Taylor (still living)

Though famous bald man James Taylor is known more as a folk singer than a poet, it’s hard to dispute the beauty of his lyrics. His words reach deep into our hearts and tickle the ventricles of our love. Some of his earlier work (while still a fullhead) may not stand the test of time but his more recent work is pure genius.

His very close relative Jamie Taylor* is a chip of the old block. Jamie has a similar lyric writing style, and touches similar veins near our hearts. This little ditty is perfect for the Stage 4 sufferer and Taylor was gracious enough to allow us to reprint his lyrics.

*How close of a relative is he? “Jamie” is relatively close to “James” (only the last two letters are different) and it’s all relative anyway, wouldn’t you say?

“Bye and Auf Wiedersehen”
by Jamie Taylor

Just yesterday morning, I saw all of you were gone,
Now you are nothing more than a memory,
We’re done with our warring, so I wrote you this song,
My way of taunting you like you taunted me.
Bye hair, and Auf Wiedersehen,
Bye-bye clumps of you falling in my Quiche Lorraine,
Bye-bye swirling you until I get profane,
And I’m happy I won’t see you again.

Go to the white light

With the help of brothers like Chuck Shakespeare, Wayne Kipling, F.F. Cummings, Splash Nash, and Jamie Taylor, you’ll begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That light represents the end of your suffering and the beginning of your new life as a secure bald man. Go to the light. Go to it. Get ready to breathe fresh air for the first time in twenty years.

You are ready to step foot in the Promised Land. Next month that's exactly where we'll go.