CUBS YIN AND YANG
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



It's one thing to say that somebody hates the Cubs. It's another thing to get him to write down his thoughts during the game to expose hate for what it really is.

That's why (Cubs fan) Rick asked (White Sox fan) Dave to sit down with notebook in hand, and without couching his thoughts to make himself look better, write down what he was really thinking during the Cubs playoff games this year.


Dave's Notes: Game 1

*Before the first pitch we already see some frat boy Cub fan waving on a cell phone. “Hey, Thumb look at me I’m on TV”

*First pitch Soriano sees he grounds out to third. Nice leadoff discipline which will be on display for the next 7 years.

*Ex Sox factor, Chris Young. If he helps beat the Cubs, Kenny Williams pulled off another great trade.

*Right before the start of the second inning, TBS advertised their Spanish language broadcast feature. The graphic “SAP” was displayed right under an image of a group of yahoo Cub fans. Coincidence? Doubt it.

*Obligatory John Cusack reference came in the form of an ad for his new movie, 1408. Hmmm, 1908 sounds a lot like 1408, doesn’t it?

*Another ad showed a Japanese kid with a Cub hat playing ball in Tokyo. He and his buddies run away after breaking a window. You thought Sox fans were hooligans.

*Bottom 3, another Cub jersey wearing fan, waving with a cell phone behind the plate. Hey Boomer, I paid $2,000 to see a Cubs loss, look at me.

*Error by Diamondback 3rd baseman almost made me go to bed. I stayed up, hoping that Z would get beaned. Man on second, no outs, he does what every good player does, hits to the left side of the infield.

*Went to bed, cautiously optimistic. No Ambien needed.

*Next morning, ran, got the paper, and got weepy.

*Today was Cub colors day at (5-year-old) Lyla’s school. Students were invited to wear Cubby blue in lieu of their uniforms. I made a point of asking a couple of kids if the Cubs won last night. My feigned disappointment was in top form.

Rick Responds:

Does the hate come through for you? To me, the best example of Dave's Cub-hate is asking the kids at the school who won the game. Can you imagine getting a kick out of seeing a little kid's disappointment? That's real hate.

As for the rest of his comments, I can't argue with Dave about the cell-phone yahoo. Hey, dingleberry, you're making us all look bad. As for the game itself, I'm amazingly at ease about this loss. We weren't expected to win Game 1. It was a home game for Arizona, and they had the Cy Young winner pitching for them. We'll get 'em tomorrow.


Dave's Notes: Game 2

*Former White Sox player Chris Young breaks the Cubs hearts with a three run homer. Love you, Kenny Williams. Love you. Oh, and Ted Lilly, holding your breath until you turn (cubbie) blue will not bring back that fastball down the middle. Nice temper tantrum. My five year old has better control.

*Went to bed in the second inning, completely confident.

*Lyla didn't want to go to school today because it was another "Cubbie Blue" day, and I wouldn't let her wear "cubbie blue." My wife is pissed at me.

Rick responds: I don't think I even need to comment here, do I? As for the Cubs, it's OK, boys. We lost two there, but we're coming home to Wrigley, and this series is far from over. I'll be going to game 3.


Dave's Notes: Game 3

*Turn on game a few seconds late, is that misprint?

*Shot of sorority girl with Greek Letters on her chest, right in front of a guy with a “Billy Goat” shirt. You can’t write this stuff.

*Thought, “Do the Cubs actually own their championship bunting, or do they rent them from Reinsdorf?" OK, that might be a stretch.

*Crowd sounding like a White Sox game in mid April

*They’re not boooing they’re Alphonsooooooing

*Ford Commercial featuring shot from White Sox World Series. That’s got to hurt.

*They’re not boooing they’re Leeooooooooing.

*Top of 6 first shot of disappointed Cub fan with his little son. First of many. Sweet, sweet music.

*Stockton, possibly the worse announcer ever, says the crowd is stunned. It’s been 100 years. How stunned could they be?

*Kendall looks like Abraham Lincoln with his new beard. Four score and seven years ago we sucked then too.

*Ad with Soriano for “Under Armour”. He’s negotiating with a company called “Over Rated”.

*They’re not booing, they’re Ramirezooooooing

*Turn on radio for last innings to hear Santo’s heartbreak.

*They’re not booooing they’re Woooooooooding

*Fun stat, I have as many testicles as Ramirez and Soriano have hits combined.

*Flip to Fox and wait for (my good friend and die-hard Cubs fan) Fox 32 reporter Dane Placko. I can't wait to see him crestfallen.


Rick responds: One thing Dave left out of his notes was his taunting phone call to my cellphone (which I did not answer). Oh, and that picture at the beginning of this segment--that was waiting for me in my e-mail box the next morning.

I must admit, however, that I was one of those booing Cubs fans out there Saturday night.

It was in the sixth inning when the Cubs had the bases loaded, and Mark DeRosa was up to bat. I've been to Wrigley hundreds of times, but I've never heard the place so loud before. As fans, we were doing everything we could to help our guys get that one big hit. When DeRosa hit into a double play instead, I lost it. It was 44 years of pent up disappointment. I know it sounds pathetic. I know that anyone who isn't a Cubs fan thinks I'm a moron for rooting for this team that never wins.

It's not one of those decisions you can make with your head. My head has been telling me for years what an idiot I am. My head knows. It's my damn heart...it's just so, I don't know...it's weak. It has that soft spot for her. After every horrible disappointment like this, I round up my Cubs stuff, and drive over to her apartment to break up with her.

As I'm handing back her old programs, and ticket stubs, and merchandise, and really, let's face it, forty four years of memories, she'll give me that look. You know that look. Those puppy dog eyes. That "but if you don't love me, who will?" look. Then she'll flash me a little ivy, and lean in and give me a goodbye kiss. And I'll smell that stale Old Style, and I'll say, "OK, maybe just one more time. But if you disappoint me again, it's all over. I'm serious this time."

"Yes, Rick, I know. I'll try harder. I swear," she'll say. It will sound so convincing, too.

And then when I'm driving home, I'll inevitably get a call from Dave, and I'll be stunned anew--his hate is so venomous and so vitriolic--it's borderline racist. And I'll wonder, how can anyone hate someone so down on their luck; someone who is so pathetic? What kind of a person has no pity at all? Ninety nine years of misfortune isn't enough for Dave and people like him.

And I'll think about it. What choice do I have? Do I become one of them?

Not possible.

I couldn't afford the water bill. At least I don't have to take an extra shower every day, scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing the hate, wondering why it just won't come off. It's because it's under the skin, Dave. It deep in that dark black heart of yours.

Any closing thoughts?


Dave's closing thoughts

Cub fans should not lose sight of the positives:

*Cub fans threw back a remarkable 96.78% of the opponent's home runs this year. That's a great year. The few that weren't thrown back were probably caught by fans busy hurling racial insults at your outfielders.

*Cub management channeled a record number of tickets to their own ticket broker for secondary market sales. Money means championships, people!

*Mark Prior has made some real progress at...um...er....where ever he is.

*I can't remember a better crop of 7th inning stretch singers, ever! Remember that one CEO guy? How about a couple of those Chicago actors that came back. This is in addition to seeing John Cusack in the stands a couple of times.

*Milt Pappas still hasn't forgiven the ump that made the right call 30 years ago. You can't teach that kind of petty hate.

*White Sox World Series Champs 2005

*Oh and one more thing...