HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS FOR GROWN-UPS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




It's time once again for our annual Halloween costume tips. Here are ten simple, inexpensive costume ideas for grown ups ripped out of this year's headlines.


1. Senator Larry Craig
Simple costume. Bald wig, business suit, toilet paper stuck to shoe. When sitting, using a really, really, wide stance.
Sample party comment: "I loooove this mauve couch, er, uh, I mean, how 'bout them Bears?"


2. Lisa Nowak
Wear a flight suit/jump suit, a NASA baseball hat, and groan inappropriately.
Sample party comment: "Oh, is there a line waiting to get in the bathroom? Hadn't noticed."


3. Mark Prior
All that's necessary is a #22 Cubs jersey, a Cubs hat, and a sling for your arm.
Sample party comment: "I would have had this at my house, but my doctor told me not to 'throw' a party at all this off-season."


4. George Bush 2005-2007
Write the numbers 2005-2007 on the forehead of your George Bush mask, then tape a picture of Alberto Gonzales on the back of your pants so it "covers your ass."
Sample party comment: "Mind if I conduct a little unlawful 'surveillance' on that hot blonde over there?"


5. Keith Richards
Wear a bandana on your head, hold a cigarette in one hand, and carry an urn under your arm.
Sample party comment: "Who wants a hit of my dad?"


6. Michael Vick
This costume will never be cheaper than it is right now. His jerseys are going for about $10 on eBay.
Sample party comment: "I'll make the hot dogs! What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?"


7. Rudy Guiliani
Wear a bald wig and a business suit, hunch your back, and plan your arrival time down to the minute.
Sample party comment: "Sorry we're so late...is it already 9:11?"


8. OJ Simpson
Did you really think you wouldn't be able to use that black knit cap and black gloves costume again?
Sample party comment: "Who wants to help me get my pretzels back from that lady's plate over there?"


9. Ann Coulter
A long blonde wig, a short black skirt, and a gigantic chip on your shoulder is all that’s needed to pull off this costume.
Sample party comment: "No thank you. I won't eat from the deli tray until it converts."

And of course, this one from last year's list will work for at least two more Halloweens...


10. President Bush's War Strategy
Wear a "NO EXIT" sign around your neck and never leave.
Sample party comment: "Nice try, but turning out the lights is not going to work. I'm not going anywhere."