GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DENIAL (Part 1)

Episode One of The Bald Handbook

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)









By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Combovers.

The Combover

While treating amputees during the Civil War, S.Weir Mitchell discovered that many of his patients still had feeling and sensation in their departed limbs. Many of these amputees were so convinced that they still had their legs that they tried walking. This phenomenon became known as Phantom Limb Syndrome (PLS).

This theory can also be used to describe men who have lost their hair. We call this Phantom Hair Syndrome (PHS). Since combing a bare scalp can be painful, balding men will over comb where hair remains. This over combing (note the similarity to “combover”) will result in the bizarre and often embarrassing hairstyles we see.

In order for real healing to begin we must review some of the combovers that are produced by PHS. Please keep in mind this is not an all-inclusive list. The following are just the most common and easiest to spot.

The Flip
This is the most common combover. Wearers of this style simply grow their hair a little longer on one side and flip it over to the other side. Combover connoisseurs consider The Flip to be the least creative of the combovers because it lacks flair. One famous critic called it “an embarrassment to all other combovers.” It’s easy to tell how long one has been suffering from PHS by measuring the “long” side. We’re surprised the Guinness book of world records does not have a category for this.

Frontal Tuft Fluff Up
As its name implies, the Frontal Tuft Fluff Up is when there are a few hairs remaining on the frontal scalp and they are teased or “fluff upped” above the forehead. Mourners that use this combover often do this in conjunction with the “flip.” This is especially common among sportscasters and news anchors. However here’s a word of advice to those that might be in the news broadcast profession: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever look away from the camera. Really. Never do that.

The Soft Serve Ice Cream
Also known as the “swirl,” this is one of the more creative combovers. Like the “flip” the mourner will grow his hair especially long on one side and swirl his hair around the barren wasteland concentrically or in a “swirl.”

The Three Sided Box Top
Now we’re getting to the more creative of the combovers. Here the wearer grows his hair long all around the scalp and neatly flips the hair in three directions. Very few people can pull this one off. It seems men married to blind women are especially prone to this technique.

The Trump
This one defies logic and quite frankly a few laws of physics. Here the mourner will grow his hair long in the back and flip it to the front. With ozone layer killing force, the hair will remain in place with the help of industrial hair spray. Sadly, this one can have some big costs to the wearer in divorce proceedings.

Zone Coverage

There seems to be segments of our population more prone to PHS than others. Among the four hundred and seventy five different professions we studied for their CTNC (Combover to Non-Combover) Ratio, the runaway winner was basketball coach. Three of the most successful coaches in NCAA history suffer from PHS-induced combovers. Jim Boeheim, Gene Keady and Lou Henson have accounted for almost 2,000 Division I victories.

Why does PHS strike basketball coaches so often? Maybe it’s the constant exposure to a big round ball or playing in domed stadiums. Maybe it’s the hours spent teaching the cross-over dribble. Maybe it’s the dedication to the zone defense. Maybe it’s the constant screaming of ‘deny, deny, deny’ when preaching defense to the big men in the paint. All of those reasons are hazards of the trade, but not excuses.

Combover-Free Professions

Just as there are reasons why the combover exists in the basketball coaching profession, there are reasons why other professions simply cannot sustain a combover. In our extensive research, we have found several occupations that didn’t have a single combover. The winners:
• Wing Walker
• Hot Air Balloon Pilot
• Professional Bungee Cord Jumper
• Twister Chaser
• Pirate Ship Lookout (in Crow’s Nest)

What is the common ingredient that binds these professions? Nature’s evil force.

The combover is mostly considered an indoor-solution to hair loss because of nature’s evil force; wind. If you’ve ever seen a man walking down the street with one incredibly long hair flapping in the wind above an otherwise bald head, you’ve seen the combover’s arch nemesis. Artificial wind is no better. For that reason, we urge PHS sufferers to avoid standing directly in front of Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and/or Jesse Jackson.

What should combover-men do?

Stop. Just stop now.

However, if you still haven’t gotten past the denial stage and insist on keeping your combover, we have a request to make on behalf of bald men everywhere. Please become a hermit and stay indoors at all times. Do it for all of your balding brothers. The Fullheads use you as an example to mock us every time we speak to them.

Then, when you’re inside, don’t read anything or watch television. Next month we’ll go over some of the ways Fullhead charlatans can try to take your money and your dignity.

And they will. Oh yes they will.