I SWEAR I DON'T HATE THE WHITE SOX...

By Rick Kaempfer




I actually grew up liking the White Sox.

I always preferred the Cubs, but I never understood why it was necessary to also hate the White Sox, so I didn’t.

That changed in October of 1984. I was 21 years old at the time, a college junior, living in an apartment at the University of Illinois. Most of my friends, including the guy who normally writes this column with me (Dave Stern), were Sox fans. At first, their petty jealousy about the Cubs' drive toward the World Series didn’t bother me. I thought it was a little pathetic that they couldn’t let it go around me—-especially since I was rooting for the White Sox the previous year when they were in the playoffs—-but I figured, consider the source.

I hadn’t counted on Steve Garvey.

For those of you who don’t remember what happened that year, the Cubs were up 2 games to zip over the San Diego Padres. They only needed to win one more game to go the World Series, and they had three chances to do it. They lost pretty convincingly in Game 3.

Game 4 was another story. The Cubs had the lead late in the game when Steve Garvey came up to bat. I was watching the game in my living room surrounded by Sox fans, led by my good friends Dave and Stu. Just before Garvey stepped into the batter’s box, Stu declared: “He’s going deep.” I scoffed outwardly, but inwardly my intestines were twirled into a knot.

When Garvey lived up to Stu’s prediction, I was stunned—-it’s a moment that still stings today—-a young life forever altered, an optimistic young lad transformed into a bitter, cynical old man in the blink of an eye. I saw the world clearly for the first time—-there was no joy or happiness on this planet—-life was just going to be a series of bone-crushing disappointments leading up to my eventual death.

Seeing your best friend’s hopes and dreams crushed in such a dramatic fashion would have given most humans with actual feelings a moment’s pause.

Not stereotypical Sox fans Stu and Dave.

No sir. Stu and Dave took that moment, which incidentally was the worst moment of my life at the time, to high-five each other right over my head. They were giggling with glee.

Their hatred of the Cubs was stronger than their affection for their best friend.

That showed me what it meant to be a Sox fan. I figured I had to choose at that moment. The way I figured it, I had three choices.

#1: Take the high five in the spirit it was intended, laugh about it, become one of them, and eventually enter the gates of Hell with no soul.
#2: Get a gun and blow their brains out.
#3: Sever all ties with the White Sox forever.

I chose #3 because I didn’t have a gun in the house.

I’ve never looked back.

The only problem with this plan was that I didn’t have the blackened soul to properly counteract the dark, dark hate of the White Sox fan. I wasn’t a heartless beast roaming the earth, devouring sunshine for breakfast, ravenously gorging myself on my fellow man’s good will for lunch and dinner, sucking away the last few vestiges of the Earth’s hope and love with my empty vacuuming soul.

I tried. I really did. I went to the '93 White Sox playoffs and tried to root against the Sox. I sat right next to Dave…but all I felt was pity. I was a friend first, a hater second.

Dave repaid my restraint by calling me up during Cubs no-hitters so he could be on the phone with me to hear the disappointment in my voice during the inevitable hit. I’m not kidding. He actually did that. Each time he did it, the no-hitter was ruined.


We went to the Cubs-Sox games together the first couple of years they played against each other, but more often than not, I was just setting myself up for more despair. One year when the Sox swept the Cubs at Wrigley, he brought a broom, and swept me.


During the 2003 Bartman debacle, I wouldn’t answer the phone. Later he claimed he was just calling to offer sympathy—he claimed he actually felt sorry for the Cubs.

Right.

During the 2005 World Series, I went to Game 2 with Dave. Scott Podsednik hit the home run to win it in the ninth, and the ball fell about twenty rows in front of us. Dave, a man that had actual evil pulsing through his veins, was being rewarded for his behavior. It just didn’t make sense to me.

It wasn’t until I went to buy a beer that I understood. While the White Sox fan in front of me was buying a beer, he turned around and pointed at me.

“I’m buying for this guy too,” he said. “This is a day to celebrate.”

That’s when it hit me. God wasn’t rewarding Dave; he was rewarding other White Sox fans, many of whom are actual human beings with decency and regard for their fellow man. I realized at that moment, that I didn’t hate all Sox fans.

I only hate Dave.


Next week, Dave responds.

MOVIE RENTAL TIPS FOR WIVES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Whenever the Oscars come around we are reminded of two things.

1) No one has the right to wear shoes worth more than the combined worth of our two homes.
2) Our only hope of seeing a movie we actually want to see is by uttering the following phrase: "I'll go to Blockbuster, thanks."

Our wives often volunteer to run this errand for us, but history shows that they are completely unable to choose a film worth watching. Most DVD boxes have gigantic flashing red lights saying "DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE!", but our wives don't see those lights.

We figured that our wives may not be the only wives that don't see the lights, so we've volunteered to spell it out more clearly on behalf of husbands everywhere. No need to thank us. This is another free service of Half Empty.

Ladies--when you see the following types of movies, keep walking...

Disease Movies -
A movie about cancer? DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. Do you really consider this appropriate Saturday evening relaxation? In fact, any and all life threatening illnesses are not acceptable. Consider this one of the golden rules of movie renting. The only exception to this rule is if the film is based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers. Now that’s a disease movie.

“Period” Pieces –
1) If the words “Victorian England” are found anywhere on the box, step away from the movie immediately. If for some reason you didn’t bring your glasses or you're having trouble reading the fine print, if the cover has a woman wearing a foofy dress or carrying a parasol: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE.
2) If the movie stars Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Dench or Ralph (prounced “Raif”, what a blowhard) Fiennes: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. By the way, Meryl Streep is this/close to getting put on the list.

Triumph of the Human Spirit Movies –
He has no arms and legs and becomes a great painter. Very impressive, but...DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. We’re really not interested, thanks for asking. Don’t get us wrong, we think it’s inspiring when the guy with no arms and legs becomes a great painter. It's just that we have fully-functioning limbs and can't spread cream cheese on a bagel without cutting ourselves--and we really don't need the limbless painter rubbing that in our faces.


Foreign Films –
Wow, you really don’t know your husbands at all, do you? If we wanted to read a book we wouldn’t have rented a movie. The only acceptable movie with subtitles is Airplane. The only acceptable movies with accents must contain the words, “Monty Python’s” in the title. However, if the movie contains a sticker with the words: "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17," we will probably relax the no foreign film rule.


Black and White Films –
Three Stooges, OK. Everything else, not so much.

Breakfast at Tiffany's –
DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE! We know, we know, Holly Golightly is the craziest heroine ever. She also never shuts up, and she never makes any sense. If she was one of your friends, we would beg you never to invite her to our home.

Movies about dancing–
Have you noticed that we’ve never taken you dancing and that we flop-sweat at weddings? Here’s a little secret, WE HATE DANCING. We don't like doing it, and we really don't like watching it. That means we hate musicals, too. The only exception is a musical about Hitler written by Mel Brooks.

See how simple this is?

Please keep these simple rules in mind next time you choose a movie, and you won't have to put up with us snoring through another one of your picks.

Unless, of course, that was your intention in the first place.

Responses to "Renewing of Marriage Vows"


"Ha ha ha, pretty funny! My husband and I are celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Las Vegas in May! Can't wait. Considering a Elvis vow renewal ceremony so this would fit right in. Thanks for the post and the laugh!"
--A

"My wife and I loved your marriage renewal column. Totally the anti-Valentine's Day with love, if that's possible."
--R

"You dudes are cynical. Love it."
--O

"We're really gonna use these. Our anniversary is in three weeks and we're going to Hawaii--and I convinced my husband to do it--but only if we use sarcastic vows like this. Thanks!"
--S

"thats totally my parents. oh lord they have been married 20+ years. its only
gonna get worse. hahahaha i cant wait!"
--T

"love the pushing the crumbs under the fridge bit"
--C

"i laughed out loud! zomg!!"
--B

Rick and Dave respond: Thanks. Um...can we have a translator help us on that last one?

RENEWING YOUR WEDDING VOWS

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern



Here’s a question for you lovebirds who have been married for a long time: Have you renewed your vows yet?

If you haven’t, you might be a little surprised at the refreshing honesty expressed during the renewal vows these days. They use an entirely different script than they used for the original vows.

Your good friends at Half Empty have managed to acquire a copy. We’re printing the script here so that you can mentally prepare yourself for the big day.

RENEWAL OF MARRIAGE VOWS FOR COUPLES MARRIED MORE THAN TEN YEARS

Clergy: Do you (insert husband’s name), promise to… step over the laundry basket instead of carrying it up the stairs, wipe up spills with your socks, use the imaginary brakes when she drives, never replace a toilet paper roll, push crumbs under the fridge rather than pick them up, pretend to listen with an uncanny ability to nod at the appropriate times, remember nothing—ever, never find anything even if it’s in front of your face, buy less than 70% of the items on your grocery list, mix all colors and wash everything in warm, pretend like you’re asleep when she wants to talk, think that twelve hours of television a day is an appropriate amount for a four year old, and expend the minimum amount of effort on everything you do every single day….as long as you both shall live?

Husband: I do.

Clergy: And do you (insert wife’s name), promise to…leave an unsaid ‘dumbass’ at the end of every sentence with the tone of your voice, have a strong opinion on literally every subject, roll your eyes within two seconds of him opening his mouth, break every traffic law when you drive—even for short distances, pick the absolutely worst movie every time you go to Blockbuster, think that ballroom dance and yoga classes would be a fun couple’s activity, make snide comments about his appearance, yearn for more culture in your life, restack the dishwasher every single time he does it, expect him to tolerate your bad moods while cutting him no slack ever for his bad moods, and point out that he is doing everything the ‘wrong’ way every single day…as long as you both shall live?

Wife: I do.

Clergy: Wow. Well, then, I guess you really are man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Husband & Wife: Is that really necessary?

Clergy: OK, you may now go to your separate televisions.

Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.

Cue the music: “Trading Spaces” and “Monday Night Football” (at the same time)

A show of hands: Who has a tear in his or her eye right now?

What can we say? We do too.

I guess we’re all just hopeless romantics.






Do Rick and Dave have even more love to share today?

Why yes we do.


Look, we don't like to brag, but we know a thing or two about love.

On this Valentine's Day, we're not just going to give you one measly column to help your love life. No sir. Today, we'll give you 4 more.

True love--4 ever.

Are you a wife looking for harmony in your relationship? This column is for you: 10 Questions you should never ask your husband

Are you a boyfriend or husband, desperately trying to understand your woman? This column is for you: Quiz: How well do you understand your woman?

Are you a woman who really wants to attract a man? Boy, have you come to the right place. This column is for you: 9 Ways to Attract a Man

Are you a husband who wants to be able to make your wife laugh again? We've been there, buddy. This column is for you: 10 things a husband can say to make his wife laugh

Are you a husband or wife who doesn't want to overpay for a nice romantic dinner at a restaurant tonight? Sorry. We're love counselors, not miracle workers.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Bald “Cures.”



Tools of the trade

“There’s a sucker born every minute”
--P.T. Barnum

Grasping at straws and the few hairs that are left, balding men have succumbed, and purchased the following foolish gimmicks...


Hot Head (US Patent 6,024,100 / Issued 2000)
Heading our list is something called The Hot Head. Basically, this apparatus allows you to steam clean your head. Just put on the helmet, click on the steam generator and open the valve. Next, hair restorer is sprayed on your bald head and highly compressed air forces it into your scalp. The Fullhead who invented this must have gotten the idea from the vacuum pump he was using to make something else grow.

Good Looking Hair (GLH)
GLH is billed as the “latest breakthrough” in hair loss treatments. Administered through a spray can, GLH contains thousands of “almost life-like” fibers that will adhere to the scalp and existing follicles of hair. The victim simply sprays GLH on areas devoid of hair. The GLH website touts; “It's like instant hair in a can.” A more appropriate label is “instant abstinence” in a can.

Salad Dressing
In the mid sixties, a mixture of vinegar and oil was often used as a topical solution for hair loss. Proponents of this remedy felt that the mixture would promote hair growth for men who had especially lousy papilla. An entire Dick Van Dyke Show episode revolved around this. Of course, let’s not forget, that was a comedy.

Low Level Laser Technology (LLLT)
This is one the latest hair growth techniques. With this procedure low level laser beams are shot into the bald scalp. Lasercomb, a leading product in LLLT states, “This technique uses the energy of laser light to nourish and revitalize your hair. Light is energy and living cells ‘like’ light. Your hair is no different.”
Dude, put down the bong. It seems like the makers of Lasercomb may have been to one too many Grateful Dead shows.

Dead Sea Mud
There is a growing consensus among researchers that using products made from Dead Sea mud is useful in preventing hair loss. Most experts feel that the nutrients this mud possesses is the origin of its restorative powers. While we don’t have any empirical evidence to dispute such a claim, we’ll just point to one glaring observation: You ever notice all the bald Jews?

Rogaine
Let’s just say for a significant percentage of users it should be renamed Nogaine. Look, one of the main ingredients of Rogaine is alcohol. Think about some of the dumbest things you’ve done in your life. How many of those involved alcohol? That’s what we thought. So tell us again why you’ve decided that rubbing alcohol directly into your head will work out for you?

Propecia
This prescription drug has been around since the late nineties. The good news is that for a significant portion of users Propecia does promote hair growth. The bad news is that there could be some sexual side effects like difficulty achieving an erection. That’s normally of little concern to our people. Do you really want to take away your only advantage—your virility?

Hair thickening shampoo
You’ve seen the commercials. A guy who appears like he’s losing his hair holds a basketball and says “This is what your head will look like soon.” Then he pitches a shampoo that thickens the hair. When they show the close-up of his hair, you marvel at its thickness. How many of you were actually in the car on the way to the store before the commercial was even over?

Your hair is not gravy. You can’t add some corn starch to thicken it. It is falling out because of your genes. Unless the shampoo alters your genetics, it’s not going to work. Remember that some Fullhead is getting rich taking advantage of you.

Emu Oil (U.S. Patent 5,958,384/Issued 1999)
Some Fullhead named Holick patented the use of emu oil to stimulate hair growth. The abstract for his patent states, “The present invention is directed to the discovery that topical or parenteral administration of emu oil to a mammal stimulates the proliferation of skin. Emu oil can be used to treat skin wrinkles and rejuvenate aged and photo-damaged skin. It has also been discovered that emu oil can be topically applied to stimulate melanogenesis in the skin and to stimulate hair growth.”

No offense, Mr. Holick, but it doesn’t even work on Emus. Emus are bald…and proud of it. It’s those darn ostriches that are so ashamed of their baldness they bury their heads in the sand.

Hair cloning
Dr. Walter Unger, a man who has performed almost 30,000 hair transplant surgeries holds a patent on a procedure that clones hair. He and his researchers take hairs from the back of a balding man’s head, and multiply them in a lab. Unfortunately, it only worked on four of the twenty three test subjects, and of those four, only one got something that could be described as a “tuft” of hair. Dr. Unger doesn’t think it will ever work. He has abandoned his research, although others are still trying it.

If those odds of success sound good to you, then feel free to shell out anywhere between $8000-$12,000. That’s what it costs.


What should a man who uses these products do?

Stop. Just stop now.

If you really think they work, however, we have one more technique for you to consider.

The simplest cure for baldness is still transforming into a werewolf. Just do one of the following: get bitten by a werewolf, wear the enchanted skin of a dead wolf or werewolf, drink water from a wolf's footprint, eat a wolf's brain, or have sex with a werewolf and survive.

Geez, do we have to tell you everything?

Next month we’ll take a look at the most horrible cases of bald denial: Hair plugs and Toupees.

Warning: It’s not going to be pretty.

Thanks to readers "E" & "T" for contributing the following. We don't know the original sources of either the picture or this piece. If you do, let us know so we can properly attribute.






In honor of the Chicago Bears going to Super Bowl XLI. Here are 41
things that have changed from the last time the Chicago Bears played
in the Super Bowl (which was Super Bowl XX in 1986):

1) Brian Urlacher was in 2nd grade. Rex Grossman was in kindergarten.

2) Peyton Manning was 10 years old. Eli Manning was 5 years old.
Their dad, Archie, had just retired from the NFL two years earlier.

3) Lovie Smith was in his first college coaching job at University of
Tulsa .

4) Ronald Reagan was the President, and Harold Washington was the
Mayor. James R. Thompson was the Governor running for re-election and
his office was in the new State of Illinois Center, which is now
called the James R. Thompson Center .

5) George W. Bush was 39 years old and still drinking. His father
would run for President two years later.

6) Rod Blagojevich was just out of law school and was a low-level
prosecutor working for the Cook County State 's Attorney, Richard M.
Daley.

7) Barack Obama had just moved to Illinois , and Osama bin Laden was
fighting the Soviets in Afghanistan .

8) Red Grange and Sid Luckman were still alive.

9) The Colts had just moved to Indianapolis from Baltimore and were
the doormat of the AFC EAST. The Bears were the champions of the NFC
CENTRAL.

10) Property in Wicker Park and Bucktown was cheap because they were
really bad neighborhoods.

11) CD players, cellular phones and fax machines were expensive,
cutting edge technology and only a few people used them.

12) "Surfing the net" meant a volleyball game at the beach, and
virtually no one used the "@" key on their TYPEWRITER.

13) Sam Walton was still alive and was wealthier than Bill Gates.
Windows were panes of glass...not a computer operating system that was
a pain in something that rhymes with glass.

14) The Soviet Union was our main enemy, and Saddam Hussein was our
ally.

15) There were no lights at Wrigley Field, and the oldest park in
baseball belonged to the White Sox.

16) Michael Jordan and Ozzie Guillen had just finished their "Rookie
of the Year" seasons. Jordan 's coach was Stan Albeck and Guillen's
manager was Tony LaRussa. (Three out of four of those guys are now
wearing championship rings, but what ever happened to Stan Albeck???)

17) Soldier Field had Astroturf. The Houston Oilers played in the
Astrodome.

18) The Fox TV Network didn't exist, and ESPN had yet to air a
single live pro football, baseball, or basketball game.

19) MTV played music and so did some AM radio stations.

20) Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff weren't born yet; Jackie Gleason
and Richard Nixon were still alive.

21) Hillary Clinton had dark hair and was the First Lady......of
Arkansas !

22) "The Love Boat" and "Diff'rent Strokes" were still on network TV
every week.

23) Martin Luther King Day was about to be celebrated as a National
Holiday for the first time. "9-11" was a phone number many cities were
just adopting for emergency calls - not a date of terror.

24) I-88 was called "Illinois Rt. 5" and I-355 hadn't been built yet.

25) What the CTA now calls "The Blue Line" had just been extended to
O'Hare, and the Orange Line to Midway hadn't been built yet.

26) Q101 played adult contemporary music and most teenagers listened
to WLS. Music from the 70s and 80s wasn't "retro" yet.

27) Tiger Woods hadn't won an amateur golf tournament yet.

28) Most people knew Seattle just as a city in the Northwest U.S. -
not the home of grunge or Starbucks.

29) Only Southerners went to NASCAR races and only Northerners went
to NHL games.

30) The Chicago area had no Wal-Marts, Targets or Home Depots, and
Walgreen's was only in the Midwest .

31) Depending on your bank, your ATM card was good at only "Cash
Station" machines or only at "Money Network" machines, but there were
no fees.

32) "The Phone Company" was Illinois Bell.

33) They still sold leaded gasoline and you couldn't pay for your gas
at the pump.

34) Discover Card hadn't been discovered yet, and Miller Genuine
Draft hadn't been brewed yet.

35) Stereo TVs were the rage that HDTVs are now. 8-track tapes were
still being made.

36) All of the Blockbuster Video stores that are now closing hadn't
opened yet. Betamax was still competing with VHS.

37) You paid cash for your groceries and fast food, and you used a
travel agent to book airline flights.

38) Bowl games didn't have corporate sponsors, and if the #1 ranked
team was in a conference that played in one bowl game and the #2
ranked team was in a conference that played in another bowl game, then
so be it! They let the sportswriters vote on the national champion.
(and no college football games were played after New Year's Day)

39) The Baltimore Ravens were the Cleveland Browns. The Tennessee
Titans were the Houston Oilers. The Oakland Raiders were the Los Angeles Raiders that had just left Oakland . The Arizona Cardinals (the former Phoenix Cardinals, were the St. Louis Cardinals (Chicago Cardinals long ago), and the St. Louis Rams were the Los Angeles Rams. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Carolina Panthers, Houston Texans, and the Cleveland Browns (not to be confused with the Cleveland Browns that are now the Baltimore Ravens)
didn't exist. The Seattle Seahawks (last year's NFC Champions) played in the AFC.

40) Number 9 on the Bears was their Punky QB...not their perky field
goal kicker.

41) There were no iPods - just Sony Walkmen - so if you said
something about a "shuffle" on your Walkman, they assumed you were
listening to "The Super Bowl Shuffle"


and one thing that will be the same from the Chicago Bears last Super
Bowl appearance..... THEY WILL WIN!!!! GO BEARS!!!!!!

Responses to Middle Aged Band Names

"What about aging rappers? Tupac (if he were still alive) would become '2 bucks for a cup of coffee?' and Ton Loc would become 'Tone Deaf' and JayZ would become 'Jay Zzzzzzzz.' I don't know about Snoop Dog. Somebody needs to change his diz-iaper."
--R

"Smashing Pumpkins – You Kids are gonna clean up this mess
Split Enz – Depends
Cars – Revoked License
Db’s – Turn it down
Byrds – Early Bird Special"
--B


"Chuck Berry has a duck-walker."
--T

"Little Richard might want to go with big fat old Richard. It's not as glitzy, but it's much more accurate."
--K

"Stray Cats are the Fat Cats. The Fixx is "Don't call the plumber, I can do it myself."
--M

"Genesis - Revelation surely...? Biblically speaking. The entire concept is, alas, flawed because a Prince does not become a King simply due to the passage of
time..."
--G

Rick & Dave respond: Yes, that's true. It's almost as if we had a concept, and then tried to make it more Super Bowl friendly to increase hits. Hmmm.

MIDDLE AGE BAND NAMES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



When the NFL announced that Prince was going to be the halftime entertainment for this year's Super Bowl, it made us wonder: Won't he ever graduate to a more age-appropriate rock-and-roll-elder name like "Duke" or "Baron" or "King?"

It's time. He's 50 next year.

Of course, Prince is just the tip of the misnamed older rocker iceberg. What about the rockers that are ten, twenty, and thirty years older than him? Unfortunately for those guys, there isn't a historical precedence to guide them. Previous generations didn't have to deal with this problem. A generation ago, when a 60 or 70 or 80 year old man was rocking, it was in a chair. Now, it’s on a stage with an electric guitar.

Should old guys still be allowed to play rock and roll? Of course. However, they really need to think about how it looks, and how it sounds. It’s all about image and expectations.

The Beach Boys are a perfect example.

You must admit you judge the Beach Boys more harshly simply because of the word “boys” in their name. “Boys” should not be pushing 70. If they revised their name slightly, to say the Seaside Shuffleboarders, the expectations would be completely different.

When they perform as the Beach Boys, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those dudes are old.”

When they perform as The Seaside Shuffleboarders, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those old dudes can still rock. Rock on, old dudes!”

See how much better that is?

Bands like the Beach Boys are doomed if they don’t rename themselves.

Other bands are luckier. Bands like The Electric Prunes, The Grateful Dead, Gerry & the Pacemakers, The Kinks, and Limp Bizkit knew they would have to live with their names for a long time and planned ahead.

As a public service to the Baby Boomer rock and roll community, we’ve taken the liberty of revising the band names for others that weren’t as prescient…

.38 Special—Blue Plate Special
ABBA—AARP
Air Supply—Oxygen Tent
Alice Cooper—Cialis Co-pay
The Animals—The Angioplasties
Bad Company—Why Don’t You Ever Visit?
Bread—Bran
Captain & Tenille—Captain & Senile
Country Joe & The Fish—Old Country Buffet & the All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry
Creedence Clearwater Revival—Creedence Clearwater Florida
The Culture Club—The Hair Club
Def Leppard—Deaf Leonard
Neil Diamond—Neil Diaper
Foreigner—We Hate Foreigners
The Four Lads—The Four O’Clock Dinner
The Four Seasons—The Sun Always Shines in Boca
The Four Tops—The Quadruple Bypass
Genesis—Apocalypse
The Guess Who—Guess Who Had a Stroke
INXS— IN-tensive Care
Iron Butterfly—Iron Lung
Journey—Cruise
KC & the Sunshine Band—KC & The Sunshine State
Gladys Knight and Pips—Gladys Knight and Poops
Night Ranger—Rogainger
The OJays—The Ben Gays
The Osmonds—The Ointments
Procol Harem—Bifocal Harem
The Replacements—The Hip Replacements
The Rolling Stones—The Gall Stones
Sly and the Famly Stone—Sly and the Kidney Stone
Squeeze—Wheeze
Styx—Cane
Supertramp—Supercramp
Three Dog Night—Three Piss Night
The Ventures—The Dentures
Wham—Scram
The Who—Who’s Left?

No charge, fellas. You can thank us by continuing to rock in a more age-appropriate fashion.

I’m sure all of the fine readers of Half Empty can help out some more. Click on the “E-mail Me” link on the right, and send along your new names for bands in need.

The livelihood of an entire generation of musicians is at stake.

More Responses to Middle Aged Road Trip


"After reading your blog, I have a very vivid image of your trip...Sounds like ya'll had a great time ! Thanks for visiting Pat O's Memphis!
--Shelly
Pat O'Brien's/Memphis

"Sweet. Next time you come let some people know so we can give you some suggestions on where to go besides Beale."
--B

"I'm sort of afraid to get old, kinda scary, i'd like to still smoke though, when i'm older."
--R

"I enjoyed your writing. Come back soon."
--J

"I think ya'll sound like a pretty good bunch of guys, considering you're Yankees and all."
--Y

"Dane Placko is a news reporter on the Ch 32 Fox News in Chicago...cool guy. Funny blog! I think I'll take their advice and start looking at life as half emtpy!"
--I

Responses to Middle Aged Road Trips

"Glad you enjoyed Memphis! Come back soon!"
--Debra Cohen, Memphis Convention and Visitors Bureau

"Thanks for the laughs! You guys got around! You had to have eaten at Dyers for the burgers, that fat is over 100 years old I'm told. I'm hoping that the rude waitress was not a Corky's employee, not a good showing of Southern hospitality. As for the flight attendent's description of the game sounds exactly like I would, I know nothing about football. Thanks for the afternoon amusement!"
--Jan Klein
Director of Mail Order Operations
Corky's BBQ-Memphis

"Sounds like a fabulous adventure. Speaking of Liza Minelli poking someone in the eye, David Gest has a house in Memphis and occasionally goes public with his weirdness. Come back sometime, -- the dog track is expanding and there is plenty more BBQ to be sampled.
--Ken Hall
Memphis Cotton Museum

"I've been reading your blog and it's very entertaining. The Middle-Aged Road Trip was especially good. I stick to Wetzels Pretzels at the airport, which are overpriced, but overpriced just a little bit more than their regular stores, so it doesn't feel as if I'm being gouged quite as much."
--P

"I can totally picture the three of you losers in Memphis doing the things you described. I laughed out loud five or six times reading that column."
--D

"The quote--'If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas'--is Classic! I have just copied that quote to a PowerPoint slide, printed it and will post it on our office's quotes-of-fame wall (yours will be next to the quote from a client who said, 'Look, it's a spot on the log, not a spot on your lung.') The trip sounds like it was a blast."
--M

"Loved your report on Memphis! Fun times, indeed. I can remember Mother and Daddy going to the dog track on Saturday afternoons for their fix. They always said they were going to the dogs!"
--I

"Very funny! Love your writing style."
--B

"That was a hoot. Just so you know, I park my semi behind that dog track..."
--V

"I couldn't help but notice that your previous road trip article (Family Road Trip), also included a bathroom fixation."
--J

Rick responds: What do you want from me? I'm a 43-year-old man. It's only going to get worse, not better. Although, just to prove to you that I can write about road trips without mentioning bathrooms, read this: Dirty Old Men

MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIP

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko



Let us set the stage.

Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.

Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.

Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…

*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to pose for this picture with Dane’s confiscated items.


*In the airport, Dave bought three bagels. When the total came to $8.10, Dave asked if they offered a financing plan.


*Our first meal in Memphis (lunch) was memorable. When the waitress brought Dave’s lunch, she slammed it on the table and snapped—“YOUR PLATE BURNED MY HAND!”


*Dane and Dave were eager to go to Mississippi, just a few minutes away from Memphis, although they had very different reasons.
=Dane wanted to cross Mississippi off his state list. He now has been to every state but Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon. Rick and Dave were just as impressed as you are.
=Dave, the same man that calls his mother every day and uses the parking brakes every single time he parks the car just like they taught him in Driver’s Ed, is actually a maniacal gambler, and knew that Mississippi has casinos.


*Rick and Dane walked around the casino looking at gamblers. Not one smile in the entire casino. Dave was one of the “happy” gamblers, sitting at the $5 blackjack table. Only the smallest bladder on the planet (or possibly an enlarged prostate) prevented him from remaining there to this day.


*While Rick attended his conference the following day, Dane & Dave went to Sun Studios and took the very cool tour there. That's Dane on the left standing in the exact spot Elvis recorded “That’s Alright Mama.” That's Dave on the right, proudly singing about getting the AAA discount even though his card had expired.


*At the media conference, Rick grabbed some lunch at Quiznos. To give you an idea what kind of a crowd attended this conference, the three people in front of Rick…
=complained about the absence of romaine lettuce on the sandwiches.
=lectured the teenager behind the counter that the “roast chicken” sandwich should be called the “tortured chicken sandwich”
AND last but not least…
=demanded to know why “vitamin water” was not available as a fountain drink.
Rick ordered the Italian with everything. The teenager behind the counter smiled.


*Rick got home from the conference just in time to break up the fight between Dane and Dave. Dane wanted to go to the Cotton Museum. Dave said he would rather be poked in the eyes by Liza Minnelli.


*That night we explored Beale Street, the party center of Memphis. After an incredible BBQ dinner, we settled in at a blues bar. After one of Dave’s three trips to the bathroom, he claimed to have spotted Dennis Quaid. Rick and Dane would have been much more impressed by Randy Quaid.


*Next stop: Pat O’Briens. The Memphis version of the famous New Orleans nightspot is almost an exact duplicate of the original. A rock and roll cover band was playing Van Halen in the courtyard. Rick and Dave wandered out to listen. Dane yelled “This is too loud!” and went to the dueling piano bar to listen to the Billy Joel medley instead.


*After a night of drinking, we stopped in for a late night burger. After we ordered the burgers, Dane noticed they weren’t being made on a grill. They were being boiled in a vat of animal fat. Mmmm.


*The night came to end when Dave’s “throbbing headache” had to be relieved with a medication cocktail that included Tylenol and Ambien.



*The following morning, the three middle aged travelers went to Graceland, where we suddenly didn’t feel so old.





*Dave got a little cocky at Graceland. He tried to get the student discount with his University of Illinois student ID card from 1985. “1985 Dave” had a full head of hair. “2007 Dave” has a gray goatee, and a shiny polished dome. The cashier didn’t go for it. This is her reaction when we tried to take her picture.



*Rick was grumbling that there weren’t any new Graceland snow domes since his last visit, so he bought an Elvis/Nixon magnet instead. This is the geek by Elvis’ grave.



*Lunch at Corky’s was the best meal of the trip…an unbelievable BBQ pork meal. Dave went to the bathroom there twice. Dane told Dave that he would make a provision in his will donating his bladder to Dave.




*After lunch, Rick and Dave took a nap. Dane went to the Cotton Museum by himself. If you ever meet him, ask to see the video. He videotaped the experience on his cell-phone, but we couldn't figure out how to upload it here.




*Not wanting to go out drinking again, the boys settled on an excursion to Arkansas for their last night. It wasn’t until they arrived at the dog track that Dane & Rick realized why Dave was so excited about this…it was attached to a casino.



*If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas.


*Although...the bar was serving 20 ounce Michelob beers for 50 cents a piece. Rick had three dollars in his pocket and a song in his heart.





*Dane picked the winners of the first two dog races. After that, not so much. This is Dane tearing up his betting slips.




*Dave got in a poker game, and was one $250 pot away from losing everything. When he didn’t lose the hand, he got out, and didn’t return. Although, he did stop at the video poker machines on his way back from his second bathroom trip.



*The night ended when Rick got heartburn. He bought Pepto Bismol in the hotel gift shop…at the nicer hotel next door.




*The next morning when we checked out of the hotel, Dave asked the clerk to name the most famous person who ever stayed at their hotel. She said: “The tall guy from the TV show ‘Martin’ had his family reunion here.” Top that.


*The next day the middle aged travelers arrived at the airport two and a half hours before their flight so they could watch the Bears-Seahawks playoff game.



*With fifty seconds left in the tied game, the airline announced… “Chicago fans, this is your last call for boarding. We’re going to give away your tickets if you don’t board right now.” An audible groan went up in the airport bar. We walked down the tunnel toward the airplane not knowing if the game went to overtime or not. Dave, Dane and Rick tried to convince everyone to draw straws to see who would fake a heart attack in the tunnel to delay the flight.


*The flight attendant was British. She announced the football game result this way: “I’m not sure what this means, but the team from Chicago…I’m told they are known as the Bears…scored… is it called a field goal? Yes. In any case, they won the American football contest.” We cheered, but we suddenly all felt stupid for caring.


So, was our middle aged road trip fun? I know it might not sound like it, but we had a great time. Will we do it again? Probably.

Next time, though, Dave is getting a catheter.

MEDICAL SMALL TALK

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



When Rick mentioned an awkward small talk conversation he had with his urologist during his vasectomy procedure (Steve & Garry notebook), he was a little surprised at the reaction it received.

Apparently, this sort of thing happens to just about everyone. It may occur during vasectomies, but it happens at other equally embarrassing moments.

This column is for our friends in the medical profession. We know you do this sort of work every day so it’s no big deal to you. It’s only natural to lose sight of the fact that there are times when small talk is not appropriate.

We’re writing this as a gentle reminder.

A loyal reader (who begged us not to use his name) sent this to us. It’s his recollection (he called it a transcript) of a recent visit to the doctor’s office. He was there for a routine prostate exam.

At the doctor’s office

Doc: (while putting a rubber glove on his hand) Is your kid still taking piano lessons?

Patient: Yes, he really seems to like it.

Doc: (while putting lube on two fingers) Piano is almost the perfect musical instrument for kids. Once they get the basics of piano, they can move on to almost any other musical instrument after that. Please drop your pants and face the wall.

Patient: (while dropping pants and facing the wall) Yeah, I wish I stuck with my piano lessons when….

Doc: Can you spread your legs a little bit…

Patient: Sure….HELLO…when I was a kid.

Doc: (while checking prostate) My wife and I don’t have any kids but I’m a big believer in the piano.

Patient: Yeah….(grunt)…me too.

Doc: (while moving fingers around and squeezing prostate) Did you know that kids who naturally pick up the piano are usually pretty good at math, and kids that are pretty good at math are usually pretty good at piano?

Patient: Yeah….um….I….heard….(grunt)…that.

Doc: (while removing fingers) It’s really a mathematical process.

Patient: (exhaling) I guess so.

Doc: (while taking off his glove and tossing it in the garbage can) Are your kids good at math?

Patient: Yes…they…

Doc: You can pull your pants back up.

Patient: Oh, thanks. Yeah, they are pretty good at math. So…how did it turn out?

Doc: My wife and I both still play the piano.

Patient: (pointing at the garbage can) No, I mean…

Doc: Oh? It’s fine. No problems. You’re just getting older. Nothing to worry about.

Got any other examples of awkward small talk conversations during really embarrassing moments? We’d love to hear them. We promise not to reveal your name. Just click on the “E-mail me” link, and send in a transcript (as close as you can remember it) of your conversation.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DENIAL (Part 1)

Episode One of The Bald Handbook

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)









By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Combovers.

The Combover

While treating amputees during the Civil War, S.Weir Mitchell discovered that many of his patients still had feeling and sensation in their departed limbs. Many of these amputees were so convinced that they still had their legs that they tried walking. This phenomenon became known as Phantom Limb Syndrome (PLS).

This theory can also be used to describe men who have lost their hair. We call this Phantom Hair Syndrome (PHS). Since combing a bare scalp can be painful, balding men will over comb where hair remains. This over combing (note the similarity to “combover”) will result in the bizarre and often embarrassing hairstyles we see.

In order for real healing to begin we must review some of the combovers that are produced by PHS. Please keep in mind this is not an all-inclusive list. The following are just the most common and easiest to spot.

The Flip
This is the most common combover. Wearers of this style simply grow their hair a little longer on one side and flip it over to the other side. Combover connoisseurs consider The Flip to be the least creative of the combovers because it lacks flair. One famous critic called it “an embarrassment to all other combovers.” It’s easy to tell how long one has been suffering from PHS by measuring the “long” side. We’re surprised the Guinness book of world records does not have a category for this.

Frontal Tuft Fluff Up
As its name implies, the Frontal Tuft Fluff Up is when there are a few hairs remaining on the frontal scalp and they are teased or “fluff upped” above the forehead. Mourners that use this combover often do this in conjunction with the “flip.” This is especially common among sportscasters and news anchors. However here’s a word of advice to those that might be in the news broadcast profession: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever look away from the camera. Really. Never do that.

The Soft Serve Ice Cream
Also known as the “swirl,” this is one of the more creative combovers. Like the “flip” the mourner will grow his hair especially long on one side and swirl his hair around the barren wasteland concentrically or in a “swirl.”

The Three Sided Box Top
Now we’re getting to the more creative of the combovers. Here the wearer grows his hair long all around the scalp and neatly flips the hair in three directions. Very few people can pull this one off. It seems men married to blind women are especially prone to this technique.

The Trump
This one defies logic and quite frankly a few laws of physics. Here the mourner will grow his hair long in the back and flip it to the front. With ozone layer killing force, the hair will remain in place with the help of industrial hair spray. Sadly, this one can have some big costs to the wearer in divorce proceedings.

Zone Coverage

There seems to be segments of our population more prone to PHS than others. Among the four hundred and seventy five different professions we studied for their CTNC (Combover to Non-Combover) Ratio, the runaway winner was basketball coach. Three of the most successful coaches in NCAA history suffer from PHS-induced combovers. Jim Boeheim, Gene Keady and Lou Henson have accounted for almost 2,000 Division I victories.

Why does PHS strike basketball coaches so often? Maybe it’s the constant exposure to a big round ball or playing in domed stadiums. Maybe it’s the hours spent teaching the cross-over dribble. Maybe it’s the dedication to the zone defense. Maybe it’s the constant screaming of ‘deny, deny, deny’ when preaching defense to the big men in the paint. All of those reasons are hazards of the trade, but not excuses.

Combover-Free Professions

Just as there are reasons why the combover exists in the basketball coaching profession, there are reasons why other professions simply cannot sustain a combover. In our extensive research, we have found several occupations that didn’t have a single combover. The winners:
• Wing Walker
• Hot Air Balloon Pilot
• Professional Bungee Cord Jumper
• Twister Chaser
• Pirate Ship Lookout (in Crow’s Nest)

What is the common ingredient that binds these professions? Nature’s evil force.

The combover is mostly considered an indoor-solution to hair loss because of nature’s evil force; wind. If you’ve ever seen a man walking down the street with one incredibly long hair flapping in the wind above an otherwise bald head, you’ve seen the combover’s arch nemesis. Artificial wind is no better. For that reason, we urge PHS sufferers to avoid standing directly in front of Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and/or Jesse Jackson.

What should combover-men do?

Stop. Just stop now.

However, if you still haven’t gotten past the denial stage and insist on keeping your combover, we have a request to make on behalf of bald men everywhere. Please become a hermit and stay indoors at all times. Do it for all of your balding brothers. The Fullheads use you as an example to mock us every time we speak to them.

Then, when you’re inside, don’t read anything or watch television. Next month we’ll go over some of the ways Fullhead charlatans can try to take your money and your dignity.

And they will. Oh yes they will.

"Predictions for 2007"

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern






*Number of major league starts by Mark Prior: 6.


*Month of Warner Saunders “surprise” retirement announcement at Channel 5: June.


*Date of Rod Blagojevich’s indictment: November 17.


*Number of Calories Nicole Richie will eat in '07. 3400


*Number of points Bears lose first playoff game by: 14.


*First heart attack—Dick Cheney, Dennis Hastert, or Jim Hendry: Hendry


*Who will eat more donuts this year Jim Hendry or Karl Rove: Rove


*First celebrity breakup: Jim Carrey & Jenny McCarthy.


*Number of Bulls playoff victories: 3


*Month of first story about 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love: February.


*Number of joint media appearances by figure skater Sasha Cohen & comedian Sacha Baron Cohen: Zero.


*Average number of fans attending White Sox games in May: 18,000.


*Date of first Lou Pinella ejection: April 30.


*Date Chicago Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs: September 4.


*Amount the Tribune will spend per Cubs win..$2,200,000


*Number of Michael Richards’ movies: Zero.


*Number of times Paris Hilton discusses the crisis in Darfur: Zero


*Number of times a local weatherman is blamed for bad weather by local anchors: 73.


*Date Jay Mariotti calls for Ken Williams firing: August 6.


*Which will be greater? The number of completed passes Rex Grossman has in the playoffs or the the number of testicles of an average male: Tie


*Number of joint media appearances by William Jefferson and William Jefferson Clinton: Zero.


*Number of Big Ten schools in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament: 4


*Number of wacky "mother and daughter switching bodies" movies will Hollywood release this year. 7


*Lower ERA—Dave Aardmsa or Neal Cotts: Aardsma.


*Number of times Lindsey Lohan will get drunk and need stitches. 11


*Number of dustups between David Gregory and Tony Snow: 12.


*Number of people who will buy the new Who album: 82


*Most likely to appear on the Surreal Life: K-Fed.


*Number of people VP Cheney accidentally shoots in the face: Zero.

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 5)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

We think this one may be the very first Christmas letter, but we're still working on having that verified.

Hello family and friends!

We hope your winter solstice is going well this year.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than thirty years since our boy was born in that manger in Bethlehem. It’s a good thing we invested that frankincense, gold and myrrh wisely, because we haven’t had a moment’s peace since the neighbors started blabbing about the messiah living in our house. Luckily, our investments allowed us to buy state-of-the art security camels last spring. Ever since then, those parasitic painters from the Roman tabloids stay a respectable spitting distance away.

As for the boy, he’s doing fairly well, but I’m a little concerned about his friends. He spends a lot of time with unsavory types, and every time he comes home for a visit he brings a houseful of his unwashed friends with him. Last time I said “Jesus! If you think I’ve got enough food to feed these dirty…” and before I finished my sentence there was food on the table. It’s hard to stay mad at him when he does things like that.

As you can imagine, it’s a little frustrating being a mother of a boy with such potential. Joseph and I keep waiting for him to settle down and marry a nice Jewish girl, but it’s always “Just one more miracle, Mom,” or “Just one more sermon on the mount, Mom.” I keep telling him that the orthodontia school won’t hold that space for him forever, but he’s at that difficult age now. He doesn’t listen to his mother anymore.

He doesn’t listen to Joseph either. I know Joe’s only his stepfather, but I can see the look in his eyes when Jesus refuses to help out Joe’s carpentry business. It has to be difficult dealing with general contractors when you know your stepson could set you up for life. I keep telling him, “Now Joseph, let’s be thankful we had one ‘free gold’ night. Most people don’t even get that.”

Well that’s it from Nazareth this year.

I’d love to hear from all of you too. What does the Messiah’s mother have to do to get a letter? (I heard all about your letters to the Corinthians, Paul…I know you can do it.) Would it kill you to include a letter with your birthday cards to Jesus? It would be a nice tradition.

Love to all.

Mary

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 4)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year. This classic comes from Christmas 1964.

Dear Friends and Family,

Remember in February when my husband took me on that cheap cruise to celebrate our 30th anniversary?

Remember how I complained that I don’t like boats and was afraid that the weather might get rough?

Remember how all of you said that it’ll be fine and just suck it up for the short time?

Well I got five words for you: THREE HOUR TOUR MY ASS!

You’ve probably noticed that Thurston and I haven’t been around the club much this year. That’s because the ship took ground on the shore of some uncharted desert isle. We’ve been stranded here ever since.

Just sit back and I’ll tell you the tale of how we spent 1964 with the five most annoying people on earth.

First there’s this imbecile named Gilligan. He likes to be called a mighty sailin’ man, but it’s unbelievable how clumsy he is. He breaks something really important every week. The amount of time we spend propping up this moron’s deflated ego is ridiculous. Perhaps we’ll get lucky and he’ll be hit by a coconut in the coconut.

Then there’s this overweight gentleman that piloted us right into an island. He weighs in the neighborhood of 300 pounds, and somehow hasn’t lost an ounce despite living on a deserted island. He must be eating 600 oranges a day.

Would you believe Ginger Grant is on our island? Oh, you've never heard of her either? We’ve been here ten months and this "movie star" has already produced 5 variety shows. She keeps saying how lucky it was that I brought nine trunks of clothing. She uses my finest dresses as costumes. Can you imagine? This is probably the best she's ever looked in her dismal career.

There’s also another gentleman we call the professor. The others consider him a “genius" because he can make radios out of bamboo and formulas to cure every disease. He can’t figure out how to get us off this island, however.

Finally, there’s this very sweet girl named Mary Ann. She’s so nice that she’s driving me positively batty. She’s always trying to make the best of things despite our lack of electricity and servants. I hate her guts.

We’ll that’s about it on my end. If you get this letter please keep the bottle that it came in. You know how cheap Thurston can be. Oh and by the way, if you see Sherwood Schwartz kick him in the family jewels for me, OK?

Love and Kisses,

Lovey

Next week: The very first Christmas letter.

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 3)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

This one was sent in by one of our more connected readers. It's a letter from North Korea, and it just came in this week.

Christmas 2006

Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,

Well, it’s hard to believe that another year has gone by.

Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let’s start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear armament train out of a ditch with his teeth and as springtime approached in April, he shot 17 holes in one on his first day out on the links. He would have had 18 but his caddy gave him the wrong club. Let’s just say he won’t be using that guy again (nor will anyone else) HA HA HA.

We had a lovely summer gardening. Kimmy especially enjoyed needling the Bushes throughout the year. We remodeled the palace and added another path from the main house to the swimming pool. Sadly, Kimmy slipped and fell on it. He now calls it the “Evil Access”. He is such a card. For the record, I told him not to wear his flip flops after it rains.

Even though we had time to relax, don’t think Kimmy spent the whole year goofing off. His accomplishments at work included ending all poverty, curing every disease known to man and establishing a utopian state for all his people. He likes to call North Korea the best kept secret in the whole world. In fact, he’s thinking of using that in our next advertising campaign to lure tourists. I suggested “More Bang For Your Buck” but you know how Kimmy is...he usually gets his way.

He just walked in the room so I have to go now. It seems that some of our neighbors have been on the phone complaining about the noise. (KILLJOYS!) By the way, if you’re planning on sending Kimmy any holiday gifts this year, please note that he’s now six foot six and has a swimmers build.

Cheers,


NAME REDACTED

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 2)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

This is one is on loan from the British National Archive. It's yellow and brittle, but it's message of Christmas cheer is timeless.

Christmas 1536


Dearest Friends & Relatives,

It is my fondest wish that you and yours enjoy a wonderful Christmas this year.

The King and I welcomed our daughter Elizabeth to the world this year, a moment that we will surely treasure forever. His Majesty is a doting and attentive father. Why, just yesterday he didn’t even say “get thy ugliness and thy bitch child away from me.”

He is surely warming to her.

Dearest Henry has his moments, as all young sleep-deprived fathers do, but we’ve learned not to take him literally. For instance, when he says something like: “If you don’t give me a male heir, I’ll have you beheaded you filthy whore,” he simply means he wants a little brother for our darling Elizabeth. And when he tells anyone who’ll listen that I used witchcraft to get him to marry me, he simply means that he loves me so much, it’s as if I cast spell on him. He’s really sweet that way.

I’ve only been his Queen for two years now, and I’m slowly adjusting. Life in the palace is wonderful, but sometimes it is a little confining. Luckily, a few weeks ago, Henry promised me a trip to a place called Hades. It’s been ages since we traveled, so naturally little Elizabeth and I eagerly await our voyage. It won’t be a long trip (His Majesty promises it will short and swift), but it’s good to get away. My Ladies in Waiting are extremely anxious about this trip, and I’m sure it’s because they simply don’t know what to pack until we find out more about Hades’ climate.

I’m hoping this trip makes 1537 as memorable as 1536. Can you believe 1536 is almost over already? Doesn’t Henry’s ex-communication from the Catholic Church seem like it happened decades ago instead of just last year? My darling husband is really growing into his new role. Lesser men might have buckled from the pressure of running a country and a church, but my Henry is larger than life…he’s nearly 400 pounds now.

So, dear friends and relatives, as you gather round the Christmas fire this year, please pray for my husband, the Supreme Head in Earth of the Church of England, because, in case you don’t remember, it’s high treason not to.

Look for my postcard from Hades.

Lovingly yours,

Ann Boleyn

Next week...a Christmas letter from this Christmas season.

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 1)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

We acquired this first one (completely authentic--it comes with a letter of authenticity signed by famed attorney U.R. Dumass) on E-bay. It's probably worth a great deal more than the $1000 we paid for it.

December 1928


Dear Friends and Relatives,

What a year! I can’t believe Herbie’s really the new president.

We’re just getting settled into our new home (The White House), but it’s been quite the decorating challenge. Herbie has been putting up his gosh-awful paintings of a “chicken in every pot” throughout the house, and every time I asked the Negro help to please take the paintings down, Herbie ordered them back up.

“Confound it, Mrs. Hoover,” he said, “I’m the President now, and when I issue an order, you can’t be undermining my authority.”

He always talks like that. It’s cute. But when I told him that he would have to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom as long as those paintings were on the wall, he realized the error of his ways. He’s darling, he really is.

One thing I will say about Herbie is that he’s neat…not like that sloppy Coolidge clan. The White House carpeting was so full of dust and debris when we moved in, Herbie said he wished someone would invent a device that could suck it all up.

“And when they do,” he said, “it should be called a ‘Coolidge.’”

“Just take another nip of your presidential moonshine,” I joshed.

“You know that alcohol is illegal, Mrs. Hoover,” he said, and winked.

I love him, the little rascal. He has so many big plans for the economy to make America a more prosperous and powerful country. He talks about it day and night.

“Mark my words, Mrs. Hoover,” he says, “People will never forget what we accomplish in 1929.”

I wouldn’t bet against him. Ever since he beat that filthy Catholic to win the election, he’s been on a roll. Everyone loves him. It goes without saying that the ladies find him irresistable, and I'll admit that really bothered me until eight years ago. Now I see those trollups as Herbie does...voters.

You'll be happy to hear that the attention hasn't gone to his head. The presidency will never change my dear lovable Herbie. I’ve only heard the man cuss one time since we came to Washington, and it was so out of character, we still refer to it as “The Hoover Damn.”

Have a wonderful Christmas this year, and as Charles Lindbergh told us at a White House dinner… “Fly straight, keep your spirits up, and you’ll never crash.”

May you follow that wonderful advice in 1929.

Merry Christmas.

Mrs. Hoover

Next week? A Christmas letter from Ann Boleyn.

You won't want to miss it.

Million Dollar Holiday Gifts

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



This holiday season we are really in the giving mood. In fact, we’re prepared to give away millions of dollars.

It’s better to teach someone to fish than to give them actual fish, right? That’s why your good buddies Rick and Dave are handing out six of our business ideas from our “Million Dollar File,” absolutely free.

That’s right. The following ideas are all potential goldmines. They only need a fisherman to cast out the line. With a little gumption, a little spit and polish, and a little start-up capital, these businesses could each be worth a mint.

1. Uri-Geller Auto Body Shops
The man can bend spoons with his mind. It’s a total waste of his talent. Think of what he could do for Chevys and Lincoln Town Cars (with no overhead costs!) He wouldn’t return our phone calls, but that doesn’t mean he won’t return yours. Good luck, and please wish him our best.

2. Players Association Fantasy Camps
At the existing fantasy camps featuring players from the 60s and 70s, participants play baseball with the old stars. At this fantasy camp featuring more recently retired players, participants will be taught how to hold out, how to demand your own personal trainer, how to inject your buttocks, and how to manage your financial portfolio. It’s much more realistic than those other “fantasy” camps.

3. Topless Tapas
We’ve had closed-minded potential-investors claim that nobody would go to a Topless Tapas restaurant because only couples go to Tapas joints, and only groups of guys go to Topless joints. They didn’t see the potential of bringing couples and groups of guys together. This is a unity business, one that will allow us to live in harmony. You get it, right? Good. Now open one up. We want to bring our wives.

4. The Dead-Head Job Hunting Guide
We starting writing this book in 1995 (when Jerry Garcia died) as a service to all those poor souls who could no longer follow the Grateful Dead around the country. We figured they would have to get jobs, and wouldn’t have the necessary skills. Our handy guide gave them important interviewing tips like “wear shoes,” and even provided a glossary to explain the real definitions of terms like “business trip.” For some reason we never finished the book, but the deadheads still don’t have jobs. If only someone else took the ball and ran with it…

5. The Deaf Comedy Jam
The HBO people weren’t receptive to our pitch a few years ago, but the new executives working there now will probably see the wisdom of a comedy concert for the deaf—a totally untapped comedy market. A simple word of caution, however. Don’t try to stage it without HBO. They threatened to sue us for copyright infringement if we staged our own, claiming…are you ready for this… “people might confuse it with the Def Comedy Jam.” Right. Talk about paranoid.

6. The Sound of Music Gift Shoppe
OK, let’s start at the very beginning—a very good place to start. We’ve each been to Salzburg and were blown away that there wasn’t a single Sound of Music Gift Shoppe in the town the movie was filmed. What Sound-of-Music-fanatic wouldn’t want to bring home some “raindrops on roses” or “whiskers on kittens” or “brown paper packages tied up in strings” as souvenirs? Yes, Austria is a long, long way to run, but the hills are alive there…with the sound of euros.


There you have it. Millions of dollars you didn’t have five minutes ago. Enjoy your new found wealth.

All we ask is that you think of us when your butler brings you a pina colada at your Bahamian winter home.

Happy Holidays.