GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 3)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Plugs and Pieces


Plugs: Fun with Self Mutilation

“They made it sound so easy. How was I supposed to know that drilling 10,000 little holes in my head would be dangerous?”
---Nicholas C.

“I did it so I could swim better.”
--- Jack S.

Check any phone book and you’ll see dozens of hair transplant clinics where our people are ruthlessly exploited.

Hair transplant procedures have changed throughout the years. Nevertheless, the basics have remained the same; ripping hairs out of the only part of your scalp that isn’t bald yet, and ramming those hairs into lots and lots of little holes that have been drilled into your bald scalp.

Sounds like a great time doesn’t it? Yet, millions of our brothers have gone to these torture chambers like dazed robotic lemmings.

The Real Pain

Unfortunately, the real pain and agony of a hair transplant usually occurs right after the procedure is completed. We’re not even talking about the four, sometimes five figure check that you have to hand over to the quack. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life.

OK, let’s say you have a transplant on the Saturday before Memorial Day. You’re thinking that the extra day off will help with your recuperation. You wake up Tuesday morning with a renewed sense of self worth. You eagerly get into your car and drive to work. In fact, you might even drive with the top down. What the heck? It’s fun to feel the wind through you “hair.” You arrive at work and whistle a happy tune as you walk to your desk.

Then what do you think will happen?

Think no one will notice?

Think someone will say, “Hey Bill, you look great. New sweater?”

No. What happens is that the first coworker who sees you will immediately call another coworker and that coworker will email another and pretty soon you’ll have the whole department staring at your head, asking if you have any extra staples.

Now that sounds like a great time, doesn’t it?

Pieces: Fun with Humiliation

“Nobody has the slightest idea because I have all different kinds of hairpieces. People just think I’m getting a haircut or changing my hairstyle.”
--William S.

“No one suspects a thing because it’s just a thin hairpiece. It looks like I’m losing hair—not like it’s been gone for thirty years.”
--Sam D.

There are two types of people in the world who can’t spot a hairpiece: blind people and dead people. Everyone else sees it right away. Not just within a few minutes, but immediately. If you think that everyone is looking at your head because they are admiring your great new hairstyle, you may be in the deepest throngs of denial.

You have a beaver on your head. People don’t miss that sort of thing.

Don’t be taken in by those tempting commercials. If you saw that swimming guy in real life instead of the two dimensional television view you’d say “Hey buddy—you have a wet beaver on your head. Better drop that hot chick pretending she doesn’t notice and run for your life!”

We’re sorry to be so blunt here, but you need to snap out of this. You are in deep denial. You are in so deep that the creatures at the bottom of the sea are now asking each other what that guy with the beaver on his head is doing swimming in the abyss.

Career Reasons

Sometimes media stars feel they need to go this hairpiece route because the public would never accept them as bald. The list is long and painful: William Shatner, Ted Danson, Marv Albert, Howard Cosell, Willard Scott, Sam Donaldson, Ricardo Montalban, Frank Sinatra, Fred Estaire, Charlton Heston, Burt Reynolds, Elton John, Greg Gumbel, etc.

Gentlemen, (those of you still alive), give it up. It’s OK, really. We don’t care if you’re bald or not. Does anyone really believe Frank Sinatra wouldn’t have been just as good as an openly bald singer? It’s not really a visual skill, Frank. Look at your buddy Don Rickles—it hasn’t hampered his career.

Burt Reynolds…we implore you. You were bald in 1970. It’s OK.

Marv Albert…when we say “beaver on your head” we’re thinking of you.

Elton John…the wacky glasses AND a wig? If you aren’t in denial about that other issue anymore, can’t you just give up the denial game altogether? Your fans are your age too. We understand.

Greg Gumbel…we saw you as a sportscaster in Chicago in the early 80s. You were balding then. Did you accidentally get hit by a hair truck?

Charlton Heston…don’t worry, your cold dead hands can still grip that gun, but please take the dead animal you shot with that gun off your head.

William Shatner…your five year mission is to explore new worlds without hairpieces, to boldly go where only one other Starship captain has gone before (Jean Luc Picard).

Sam Donaldson…we can actually see the tape. No kidding.

Ricardo Montalban…the fine Corinthian leather doesn’t belong on top of your head.

The Real Pain

Hairpiece purchasers run into the exact same scenario as hair plug devotees. With celebrities or people in the public eye this is even more the case. There is photographic evidence, people. Anyone can find pictures of you from a few years ago and see that your hair was thinning. We’re not morons. There is absolutely no excuse for a celebrity to think he pull this off.

On the other hand, we can understand how the average Joe may think he’s getting away with the hairpiece thing. You think it’s subtle. You may even try to slowly increase the size of your hairpieces to subtly go back to a full head of hair.

Please sit down. This is going to hurt.

Unless you are moving to a place where no one knows you and never knew you, people will notice. We know what you’re thinking; they’ll notice that you’re going bald too. Yes, that’s true, but they’ve already noticed that. This is a whole new wrinkle. Now they just think you are pathetically insecure.

It would be one thing if strangers didn’t notice, but they notice too. Even the best hairpieces aren’t that good. People can tell. Think about this; those celebrities we listed are all very wealthy. They can afford the best hairpieces that money can buy.

Are they wearing good hairpieces? Is there a single guy on that list you said “Really? He wears a piece?”

That’s what we thought.

You Can’t Run Forever

It’s time to face up to the facts that you’re losing your hair and there is nothing you can do about it. There are no magic potions or viable scientific options that will bring back your loved ones. You’re in this for the long haul and you better start living again. Ignoring your problems won’t make them go away. It’s time to head out into the world and drink up all it has to offer. Are you ready? Can you leave your anxiety and fears behind?

Didn’t think so.

Sorry to tell you this, but Isolation doesn’t work either. Next month, we’ll prove it to you.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Bald “Cures.”



Tools of the trade

“There’s a sucker born every minute”
--P.T. Barnum

Grasping at straws and the few hairs that are left, balding men have succumbed, and purchased the following foolish gimmicks...


Hot Head (US Patent 6,024,100 / Issued 2000)
Heading our list is something called The Hot Head. Basically, this apparatus allows you to steam clean your head. Just put on the helmet, click on the steam generator and open the valve. Next, hair restorer is sprayed on your bald head and highly compressed air forces it into your scalp. The Fullhead who invented this must have gotten the idea from the vacuum pump he was using to make something else grow.

Good Looking Hair (GLH)
GLH is billed as the “latest breakthrough” in hair loss treatments. Administered through a spray can, GLH contains thousands of “almost life-like” fibers that will adhere to the scalp and existing follicles of hair. The victim simply sprays GLH on areas devoid of hair. The GLH website touts; “It's like instant hair in a can.” A more appropriate label is “instant abstinence” in a can.

Salad Dressing
In the mid sixties, a mixture of vinegar and oil was often used as a topical solution for hair loss. Proponents of this remedy felt that the mixture would promote hair growth for men who had especially lousy papilla. An entire Dick Van Dyke Show episode revolved around this. Of course, let’s not forget, that was a comedy.

Low Level Laser Technology (LLLT)
This is one the latest hair growth techniques. With this procedure low level laser beams are shot into the bald scalp. Lasercomb, a leading product in LLLT states, “This technique uses the energy of laser light to nourish and revitalize your hair. Light is energy and living cells ‘like’ light. Your hair is no different.”
Dude, put down the bong. It seems like the makers of Lasercomb may have been to one too many Grateful Dead shows.

Dead Sea Mud
There is a growing consensus among researchers that using products made from Dead Sea mud is useful in preventing hair loss. Most experts feel that the nutrients this mud possesses is the origin of its restorative powers. While we don’t have any empirical evidence to dispute such a claim, we’ll just point to one glaring observation: You ever notice all the bald Jews?

Rogaine
Let’s just say for a significant percentage of users it should be renamed Nogaine. Look, one of the main ingredients of Rogaine is alcohol. Think about some of the dumbest things you’ve done in your life. How many of those involved alcohol? That’s what we thought. So tell us again why you’ve decided that rubbing alcohol directly into your head will work out for you?

Propecia
This prescription drug has been around since the late nineties. The good news is that for a significant portion of users Propecia does promote hair growth. The bad news is that there could be some sexual side effects like difficulty achieving an erection. That’s normally of little concern to our people. Do you really want to take away your only advantage—your virility?

Hair thickening shampoo
You’ve seen the commercials. A guy who appears like he’s losing his hair holds a basketball and says “This is what your head will look like soon.” Then he pitches a shampoo that thickens the hair. When they show the close-up of his hair, you marvel at its thickness. How many of you were actually in the car on the way to the store before the commercial was even over?

Your hair is not gravy. You can’t add some corn starch to thicken it. It is falling out because of your genes. Unless the shampoo alters your genetics, it’s not going to work. Remember that some Fullhead is getting rich taking advantage of you.

Emu Oil (U.S. Patent 5,958,384/Issued 1999)
Some Fullhead named Holick patented the use of emu oil to stimulate hair growth. The abstract for his patent states, “The present invention is directed to the discovery that topical or parenteral administration of emu oil to a mammal stimulates the proliferation of skin. Emu oil can be used to treat skin wrinkles and rejuvenate aged and photo-damaged skin. It has also been discovered that emu oil can be topically applied to stimulate melanogenesis in the skin and to stimulate hair growth.”

No offense, Mr. Holick, but it doesn’t even work on Emus. Emus are bald…and proud of it. It’s those darn ostriches that are so ashamed of their baldness they bury their heads in the sand.

Hair cloning
Dr. Walter Unger, a man who has performed almost 30,000 hair transplant surgeries holds a patent on a procedure that clones hair. He and his researchers take hairs from the back of a balding man’s head, and multiply them in a lab. Unfortunately, it only worked on four of the twenty three test subjects, and of those four, only one got something that could be described as a “tuft” of hair. Dr. Unger doesn’t think it will ever work. He has abandoned his research, although others are still trying it.

If those odds of success sound good to you, then feel free to shell out anywhere between $8000-$12,000. That’s what it costs.


What should a man who uses these products do?

Stop. Just stop now.

If you really think they work, however, we have one more technique for you to consider.

The simplest cure for baldness is still transforming into a werewolf. Just do one of the following: get bitten by a werewolf, wear the enchanted skin of a dead wolf or werewolf, drink water from a wolf's footprint, eat a wolf's brain, or have sex with a werewolf and survive.

Geez, do we have to tell you everything?

Next month we’ll take a look at the most horrible cases of bald denial: Hair plugs and Toupees.

Warning: It’s not going to be pretty.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DENIAL (Part 1)

Episode One of The Bald Handbook

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)









By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Combovers.

The Combover

While treating amputees during the Civil War, S.Weir Mitchell discovered that many of his patients still had feeling and sensation in their departed limbs. Many of these amputees were so convinced that they still had their legs that they tried walking. This phenomenon became known as Phantom Limb Syndrome (PLS).

This theory can also be used to describe men who have lost their hair. We call this Phantom Hair Syndrome (PHS). Since combing a bare scalp can be painful, balding men will over comb where hair remains. This over combing (note the similarity to “combover”) will result in the bizarre and often embarrassing hairstyles we see.

In order for real healing to begin we must review some of the combovers that are produced by PHS. Please keep in mind this is not an all-inclusive list. The following are just the most common and easiest to spot.

The Flip
This is the most common combover. Wearers of this style simply grow their hair a little longer on one side and flip it over to the other side. Combover connoisseurs consider The Flip to be the least creative of the combovers because it lacks flair. One famous critic called it “an embarrassment to all other combovers.” It’s easy to tell how long one has been suffering from PHS by measuring the “long” side. We’re surprised the Guinness book of world records does not have a category for this.

Frontal Tuft Fluff Up
As its name implies, the Frontal Tuft Fluff Up is when there are a few hairs remaining on the frontal scalp and they are teased or “fluff upped” above the forehead. Mourners that use this combover often do this in conjunction with the “flip.” This is especially common among sportscasters and news anchors. However here’s a word of advice to those that might be in the news broadcast profession: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever look away from the camera. Really. Never do that.

The Soft Serve Ice Cream
Also known as the “swirl,” this is one of the more creative combovers. Like the “flip” the mourner will grow his hair especially long on one side and swirl his hair around the barren wasteland concentrically or in a “swirl.”

The Three Sided Box Top
Now we’re getting to the more creative of the combovers. Here the wearer grows his hair long all around the scalp and neatly flips the hair in three directions. Very few people can pull this one off. It seems men married to blind women are especially prone to this technique.

The Trump
This one defies logic and quite frankly a few laws of physics. Here the mourner will grow his hair long in the back and flip it to the front. With ozone layer killing force, the hair will remain in place with the help of industrial hair spray. Sadly, this one can have some big costs to the wearer in divorce proceedings.

Zone Coverage

There seems to be segments of our population more prone to PHS than others. Among the four hundred and seventy five different professions we studied for their CTNC (Combover to Non-Combover) Ratio, the runaway winner was basketball coach. Three of the most successful coaches in NCAA history suffer from PHS-induced combovers. Jim Boeheim, Gene Keady and Lou Henson have accounted for almost 2,000 Division I victories.

Why does PHS strike basketball coaches so often? Maybe it’s the constant exposure to a big round ball or playing in domed stadiums. Maybe it’s the hours spent teaching the cross-over dribble. Maybe it’s the dedication to the zone defense. Maybe it’s the constant screaming of ‘deny, deny, deny’ when preaching defense to the big men in the paint. All of those reasons are hazards of the trade, but not excuses.

Combover-Free Professions

Just as there are reasons why the combover exists in the basketball coaching profession, there are reasons why other professions simply cannot sustain a combover. In our extensive research, we have found several occupations that didn’t have a single combover. The winners:
• Wing Walker
• Hot Air Balloon Pilot
• Professional Bungee Cord Jumper
• Twister Chaser
• Pirate Ship Lookout (in Crow’s Nest)

What is the common ingredient that binds these professions? Nature’s evil force.

The combover is mostly considered an indoor-solution to hair loss because of nature’s evil force; wind. If you’ve ever seen a man walking down the street with one incredibly long hair flapping in the wind above an otherwise bald head, you’ve seen the combover’s arch nemesis. Artificial wind is no better. For that reason, we urge PHS sufferers to avoid standing directly in front of Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and/or Jesse Jackson.

What should combover-men do?

Stop. Just stop now.

However, if you still haven’t gotten past the denial stage and insist on keeping your combover, we have a request to make on behalf of bald men everywhere. Please become a hermit and stay indoors at all times. Do it for all of your balding brothers. The Fullheads use you as an example to mock us every time we speak to them.

Then, when you’re inside, don’t read anything or watch television. Next month we’ll go over some of the ways Fullhead charlatans can try to take your money and your dignity.

And they will. Oh yes they will.