GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 3)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Plugs and Pieces


Plugs: Fun with Self Mutilation

“They made it sound so easy. How was I supposed to know that drilling 10,000 little holes in my head would be dangerous?”
---Nicholas C.

“I did it so I could swim better.”
--- Jack S.

Check any phone book and you’ll see dozens of hair transplant clinics where our people are ruthlessly exploited.

Hair transplant procedures have changed throughout the years. Nevertheless, the basics have remained the same; ripping hairs out of the only part of your scalp that isn’t bald yet, and ramming those hairs into lots and lots of little holes that have been drilled into your bald scalp.

Sounds like a great time doesn’t it? Yet, millions of our brothers have gone to these torture chambers like dazed robotic lemmings.

The Real Pain

Unfortunately, the real pain and agony of a hair transplant usually occurs right after the procedure is completed. We’re not even talking about the four, sometimes five figure check that you have to hand over to the quack. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life.

OK, let’s say you have a transplant on the Saturday before Memorial Day. You’re thinking that the extra day off will help with your recuperation. You wake up Tuesday morning with a renewed sense of self worth. You eagerly get into your car and drive to work. In fact, you might even drive with the top down. What the heck? It’s fun to feel the wind through you “hair.” You arrive at work and whistle a happy tune as you walk to your desk.

Then what do you think will happen?

Think no one will notice?

Think someone will say, “Hey Bill, you look great. New sweater?”

No. What happens is that the first coworker who sees you will immediately call another coworker and that coworker will email another and pretty soon you’ll have the whole department staring at your head, asking if you have any extra staples.

Now that sounds like a great time, doesn’t it?

Pieces: Fun with Humiliation

“Nobody has the slightest idea because I have all different kinds of hairpieces. People just think I’m getting a haircut or changing my hairstyle.”
--William S.

“No one suspects a thing because it’s just a thin hairpiece. It looks like I’m losing hair—not like it’s been gone for thirty years.”
--Sam D.

There are two types of people in the world who can’t spot a hairpiece: blind people and dead people. Everyone else sees it right away. Not just within a few minutes, but immediately. If you think that everyone is looking at your head because they are admiring your great new hairstyle, you may be in the deepest throngs of denial.

You have a beaver on your head. People don’t miss that sort of thing.

Don’t be taken in by those tempting commercials. If you saw that swimming guy in real life instead of the two dimensional television view you’d say “Hey buddy—you have a wet beaver on your head. Better drop that hot chick pretending she doesn’t notice and run for your life!”

We’re sorry to be so blunt here, but you need to snap out of this. You are in deep denial. You are in so deep that the creatures at the bottom of the sea are now asking each other what that guy with the beaver on his head is doing swimming in the abyss.

Career Reasons

Sometimes media stars feel they need to go this hairpiece route because the public would never accept them as bald. The list is long and painful: William Shatner, Ted Danson, Marv Albert, Howard Cosell, Willard Scott, Sam Donaldson, Ricardo Montalban, Frank Sinatra, Fred Estaire, Charlton Heston, Burt Reynolds, Elton John, Greg Gumbel, etc.

Gentlemen, (those of you still alive), give it up. It’s OK, really. We don’t care if you’re bald or not. Does anyone really believe Frank Sinatra wouldn’t have been just as good as an openly bald singer? It’s not really a visual skill, Frank. Look at your buddy Don Rickles—it hasn’t hampered his career.

Burt Reynolds…we implore you. You were bald in 1970. It’s OK.

Marv Albert…when we say “beaver on your head” we’re thinking of you.

Elton John…the wacky glasses AND a wig? If you aren’t in denial about that other issue anymore, can’t you just give up the denial game altogether? Your fans are your age too. We understand.

Greg Gumbel…we saw you as a sportscaster in Chicago in the early 80s. You were balding then. Did you accidentally get hit by a hair truck?

Charlton Heston…don’t worry, your cold dead hands can still grip that gun, but please take the dead animal you shot with that gun off your head.

William Shatner…your five year mission is to explore new worlds without hairpieces, to boldly go where only one other Starship captain has gone before (Jean Luc Picard).

Sam Donaldson…we can actually see the tape. No kidding.

Ricardo Montalban…the fine Corinthian leather doesn’t belong on top of your head.

The Real Pain

Hairpiece purchasers run into the exact same scenario as hair plug devotees. With celebrities or people in the public eye this is even more the case. There is photographic evidence, people. Anyone can find pictures of you from a few years ago and see that your hair was thinning. We’re not morons. There is absolutely no excuse for a celebrity to think he pull this off.

On the other hand, we can understand how the average Joe may think he’s getting away with the hairpiece thing. You think it’s subtle. You may even try to slowly increase the size of your hairpieces to subtly go back to a full head of hair.

Please sit down. This is going to hurt.

Unless you are moving to a place where no one knows you and never knew you, people will notice. We know what you’re thinking; they’ll notice that you’re going bald too. Yes, that’s true, but they’ve already noticed that. This is a whole new wrinkle. Now they just think you are pathetically insecure.

It would be one thing if strangers didn’t notice, but they notice too. Even the best hairpieces aren’t that good. People can tell. Think about this; those celebrities we listed are all very wealthy. They can afford the best hairpieces that money can buy.

Are they wearing good hairpieces? Is there a single guy on that list you said “Really? He wears a piece?”

That’s what we thought.

You Can’t Run Forever

It’s time to face up to the facts that you’re losing your hair and there is nothing you can do about it. There are no magic potions or viable scientific options that will bring back your loved ones. You’re in this for the long haul and you better start living again. Ignoring your problems won’t make them go away. It’s time to head out into the world and drink up all it has to offer. Are you ready? Can you leave your anxiety and fears behind?

Didn’t think so.

Sorry to tell you this, but Isolation doesn’t work either. Next month, we’ll prove it to you.

MIDDLE AGED VANITY PLATES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



"Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685?"
-Marge (In Fargo)



When you drive about a million miles a week hauling your kids to swimming, soccer, day care, school, ballet, play dates, karate and more like we do, you end up seeing quite a few vanity plates.

We’ve noticed one disturbing trend, however. Not nearly enough of "our kind" (middle aged people) are indulging in the vanity plates fad. It may be because of a lack of vanity, or it may be because we're too busy to come up with creative plates appropriate for our age bracket.

With that in mind, we've done the heavy lifting for you. Feel free to steal any of the following...


If you suffer from an NLG-PRS8 you probably will URN8-3XPM. So you should probably PB4U-ZZZ. If you’re still PSNG-OF10 you should CA-PDR. In either case you will probably get a PROS8-XAM which WL-SUK.

If people call you 4-IZ you’ll probably 12-CBTR. So go to an optometrist where he might say you have BAD-IBALZ. He might prescribe BI-4COLS for you. Please be aware that any of these plates might get you stopped by the police.

It’s more than likely that you have -CSH-FLW and O-LOTS if you have 3XX-3XYS. Let’s face it 6KDS-ENUF. Thankfully, you have NO-NRG, NO-6-DRYV and NO-6UL-RGS to make any more. Hang in there, because when the KIDZRGONE you can once again NJOY-LF and T IT UP.

You’ll say TIH2 HO (mirror image) when you get DWNSZD and LOSE401K after 30YR-WK4MAN. Sure it was a 5HITJOB but it beats being NDR-MPLYD.

For those of you who take vanity to extremes and want to advertise it, tell everyone about your PNS-NPLT, or getting your TNADONE. Sy Sperling and his friends might prefer pointing our their 2PAY.

For those of you who are already at the grouchy curmudgeon stage, and want to spare any subtleties, SCRAM, UP-URS, URN-ZWAY and FUH QUE work nicely.

And finally, if you’re a Cub fan try W8-2NXYR.

We hope we were able to provide you with a few ideas. As always, no charge. Your vanity is our reward.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Bald “Cures.”



Tools of the trade

“There’s a sucker born every minute”
--P.T. Barnum

Grasping at straws and the few hairs that are left, balding men have succumbed, and purchased the following foolish gimmicks...


Hot Head (US Patent 6,024,100 / Issued 2000)
Heading our list is something called The Hot Head. Basically, this apparatus allows you to steam clean your head. Just put on the helmet, click on the steam generator and open the valve. Next, hair restorer is sprayed on your bald head and highly compressed air forces it into your scalp. The Fullhead who invented this must have gotten the idea from the vacuum pump he was using to make something else grow.

Good Looking Hair (GLH)
GLH is billed as the “latest breakthrough” in hair loss treatments. Administered through a spray can, GLH contains thousands of “almost life-like” fibers that will adhere to the scalp and existing follicles of hair. The victim simply sprays GLH on areas devoid of hair. The GLH website touts; “It's like instant hair in a can.” A more appropriate label is “instant abstinence” in a can.

Salad Dressing
In the mid sixties, a mixture of vinegar and oil was often used as a topical solution for hair loss. Proponents of this remedy felt that the mixture would promote hair growth for men who had especially lousy papilla. An entire Dick Van Dyke Show episode revolved around this. Of course, let’s not forget, that was a comedy.

Low Level Laser Technology (LLLT)
This is one the latest hair growth techniques. With this procedure low level laser beams are shot into the bald scalp. Lasercomb, a leading product in LLLT states, “This technique uses the energy of laser light to nourish and revitalize your hair. Light is energy and living cells ‘like’ light. Your hair is no different.”
Dude, put down the bong. It seems like the makers of Lasercomb may have been to one too many Grateful Dead shows.

Dead Sea Mud
There is a growing consensus among researchers that using products made from Dead Sea mud is useful in preventing hair loss. Most experts feel that the nutrients this mud possesses is the origin of its restorative powers. While we don’t have any empirical evidence to dispute such a claim, we’ll just point to one glaring observation: You ever notice all the bald Jews?

Rogaine
Let’s just say for a significant percentage of users it should be renamed Nogaine. Look, one of the main ingredients of Rogaine is alcohol. Think about some of the dumbest things you’ve done in your life. How many of those involved alcohol? That’s what we thought. So tell us again why you’ve decided that rubbing alcohol directly into your head will work out for you?

Propecia
This prescription drug has been around since the late nineties. The good news is that for a significant portion of users Propecia does promote hair growth. The bad news is that there could be some sexual side effects like difficulty achieving an erection. That’s normally of little concern to our people. Do you really want to take away your only advantage—your virility?

Hair thickening shampoo
You’ve seen the commercials. A guy who appears like he’s losing his hair holds a basketball and says “This is what your head will look like soon.” Then he pitches a shampoo that thickens the hair. When they show the close-up of his hair, you marvel at its thickness. How many of you were actually in the car on the way to the store before the commercial was even over?

Your hair is not gravy. You can’t add some corn starch to thicken it. It is falling out because of your genes. Unless the shampoo alters your genetics, it’s not going to work. Remember that some Fullhead is getting rich taking advantage of you.

Emu Oil (U.S. Patent 5,958,384/Issued 1999)
Some Fullhead named Holick patented the use of emu oil to stimulate hair growth. The abstract for his patent states, “The present invention is directed to the discovery that topical or parenteral administration of emu oil to a mammal stimulates the proliferation of skin. Emu oil can be used to treat skin wrinkles and rejuvenate aged and photo-damaged skin. It has also been discovered that emu oil can be topically applied to stimulate melanogenesis in the skin and to stimulate hair growth.”

No offense, Mr. Holick, but it doesn’t even work on Emus. Emus are bald…and proud of it. It’s those darn ostriches that are so ashamed of their baldness they bury their heads in the sand.

Hair cloning
Dr. Walter Unger, a man who has performed almost 30,000 hair transplant surgeries holds a patent on a procedure that clones hair. He and his researchers take hairs from the back of a balding man’s head, and multiply them in a lab. Unfortunately, it only worked on four of the twenty three test subjects, and of those four, only one got something that could be described as a “tuft” of hair. Dr. Unger doesn’t think it will ever work. He has abandoned his research, although others are still trying it.

If those odds of success sound good to you, then feel free to shell out anywhere between $8000-$12,000. That’s what it costs.


What should a man who uses these products do?

Stop. Just stop now.

If you really think they work, however, we have one more technique for you to consider.

The simplest cure for baldness is still transforming into a werewolf. Just do one of the following: get bitten by a werewolf, wear the enchanted skin of a dead wolf or werewolf, drink water from a wolf's footprint, eat a wolf's brain, or have sex with a werewolf and survive.

Geez, do we have to tell you everything?

Next month we’ll take a look at the most horrible cases of bald denial: Hair plugs and Toupees.

Warning: It’s not going to be pretty.

Thanks to readers "E" & "T" for contributing the following. We don't know the original sources of either the picture or this piece. If you do, let us know so we can properly attribute.






In honor of the Chicago Bears going to Super Bowl XLI. Here are 41
things that have changed from the last time the Chicago Bears played
in the Super Bowl (which was Super Bowl XX in 1986):

1) Brian Urlacher was in 2nd grade. Rex Grossman was in kindergarten.

2) Peyton Manning was 10 years old. Eli Manning was 5 years old.
Their dad, Archie, had just retired from the NFL two years earlier.

3) Lovie Smith was in his first college coaching job at University of
Tulsa .

4) Ronald Reagan was the President, and Harold Washington was the
Mayor. James R. Thompson was the Governor running for re-election and
his office was in the new State of Illinois Center, which is now
called the James R. Thompson Center .

5) George W. Bush was 39 years old and still drinking. His father
would run for President two years later.

6) Rod Blagojevich was just out of law school and was a low-level
prosecutor working for the Cook County State 's Attorney, Richard M.
Daley.

7) Barack Obama had just moved to Illinois , and Osama bin Laden was
fighting the Soviets in Afghanistan .

8) Red Grange and Sid Luckman were still alive.

9) The Colts had just moved to Indianapolis from Baltimore and were
the doormat of the AFC EAST. The Bears were the champions of the NFC
CENTRAL.

10) Property in Wicker Park and Bucktown was cheap because they were
really bad neighborhoods.

11) CD players, cellular phones and fax machines were expensive,
cutting edge technology and only a few people used them.

12) "Surfing the net" meant a volleyball game at the beach, and
virtually no one used the "@" key on their TYPEWRITER.

13) Sam Walton was still alive and was wealthier than Bill Gates.
Windows were panes of glass...not a computer operating system that was
a pain in something that rhymes with glass.

14) The Soviet Union was our main enemy, and Saddam Hussein was our
ally.

15) There were no lights at Wrigley Field, and the oldest park in
baseball belonged to the White Sox.

16) Michael Jordan and Ozzie Guillen had just finished their "Rookie
of the Year" seasons. Jordan 's coach was Stan Albeck and Guillen's
manager was Tony LaRussa. (Three out of four of those guys are now
wearing championship rings, but what ever happened to Stan Albeck???)

17) Soldier Field had Astroturf. The Houston Oilers played in the
Astrodome.

18) The Fox TV Network didn't exist, and ESPN had yet to air a
single live pro football, baseball, or basketball game.

19) MTV played music and so did some AM radio stations.

20) Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff weren't born yet; Jackie Gleason
and Richard Nixon were still alive.

21) Hillary Clinton had dark hair and was the First Lady......of
Arkansas !

22) "The Love Boat" and "Diff'rent Strokes" were still on network TV
every week.

23) Martin Luther King Day was about to be celebrated as a National
Holiday for the first time. "9-11" was a phone number many cities were
just adopting for emergency calls - not a date of terror.

24) I-88 was called "Illinois Rt. 5" and I-355 hadn't been built yet.

25) What the CTA now calls "The Blue Line" had just been extended to
O'Hare, and the Orange Line to Midway hadn't been built yet.

26) Q101 played adult contemporary music and most teenagers listened
to WLS. Music from the 70s and 80s wasn't "retro" yet.

27) Tiger Woods hadn't won an amateur golf tournament yet.

28) Most people knew Seattle just as a city in the Northwest U.S. -
not the home of grunge or Starbucks.

29) Only Southerners went to NASCAR races and only Northerners went
to NHL games.

30) The Chicago area had no Wal-Marts, Targets or Home Depots, and
Walgreen's was only in the Midwest .

31) Depending on your bank, your ATM card was good at only "Cash
Station" machines or only at "Money Network" machines, but there were
no fees.

32) "The Phone Company" was Illinois Bell.

33) They still sold leaded gasoline and you couldn't pay for your gas
at the pump.

34) Discover Card hadn't been discovered yet, and Miller Genuine
Draft hadn't been brewed yet.

35) Stereo TVs were the rage that HDTVs are now. 8-track tapes were
still being made.

36) All of the Blockbuster Video stores that are now closing hadn't
opened yet. Betamax was still competing with VHS.

37) You paid cash for your groceries and fast food, and you used a
travel agent to book airline flights.

38) Bowl games didn't have corporate sponsors, and if the #1 ranked
team was in a conference that played in one bowl game and the #2
ranked team was in a conference that played in another bowl game, then
so be it! They let the sportswriters vote on the national champion.
(and no college football games were played after New Year's Day)

39) The Baltimore Ravens were the Cleveland Browns. The Tennessee
Titans were the Houston Oilers. The Oakland Raiders were the Los Angeles Raiders that had just left Oakland . The Arizona Cardinals (the former Phoenix Cardinals, were the St. Louis Cardinals (Chicago Cardinals long ago), and the St. Louis Rams were the Los Angeles Rams. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Carolina Panthers, Houston Texans, and the Cleveland Browns (not to be confused with the Cleveland Browns that are now the Baltimore Ravens)
didn't exist. The Seattle Seahawks (last year's NFC Champions) played in the AFC.

40) Number 9 on the Bears was their Punky QB...not their perky field
goal kicker.

41) There were no iPods - just Sony Walkmen - so if you said
something about a "shuffle" on your Walkman, they assumed you were
listening to "The Super Bowl Shuffle"


and one thing that will be the same from the Chicago Bears last Super
Bowl appearance..... THEY WILL WIN!!!! GO BEARS!!!!!!

Responses to Middle Aged Band Names

"What about aging rappers? Tupac (if he were still alive) would become '2 bucks for a cup of coffee?' and Ton Loc would become 'Tone Deaf' and JayZ would become 'Jay Zzzzzzzz.' I don't know about Snoop Dog. Somebody needs to change his diz-iaper."
--R

"Smashing Pumpkins – You Kids are gonna clean up this mess
Split Enz – Depends
Cars – Revoked License
Db’s – Turn it down
Byrds – Early Bird Special"
--B


"Chuck Berry has a duck-walker."
--T

"Little Richard might want to go with big fat old Richard. It's not as glitzy, but it's much more accurate."
--K

"Stray Cats are the Fat Cats. The Fixx is "Don't call the plumber, I can do it myself."
--M

"Genesis - Revelation surely...? Biblically speaking. The entire concept is, alas, flawed because a Prince does not become a King simply due to the passage of
time..."
--G

Rick & Dave respond: Yes, that's true. It's almost as if we had a concept, and then tried to make it more Super Bowl friendly to increase hits. Hmmm.

MIDDLE AGE BAND NAMES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



When the NFL announced that Prince was going to be the halftime entertainment for this year's Super Bowl, it made us wonder: Won't he ever graduate to a more age-appropriate rock-and-roll-elder name like "Duke" or "Baron" or "King?"

It's time. He's 50 next year.

Of course, Prince is just the tip of the misnamed older rocker iceberg. What about the rockers that are ten, twenty, and thirty years older than him? Unfortunately for those guys, there isn't a historical precedence to guide them. Previous generations didn't have to deal with this problem. A generation ago, when a 60 or 70 or 80 year old man was rocking, it was in a chair. Now, it’s on a stage with an electric guitar.

Should old guys still be allowed to play rock and roll? Of course. However, they really need to think about how it looks, and how it sounds. It’s all about image and expectations.

The Beach Boys are a perfect example.

You must admit you judge the Beach Boys more harshly simply because of the word “boys” in their name. “Boys” should not be pushing 70. If they revised their name slightly, to say the Seaside Shuffleboarders, the expectations would be completely different.

When they perform as the Beach Boys, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those dudes are old.”

When they perform as The Seaside Shuffleboarders, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those old dudes can still rock. Rock on, old dudes!”

See how much better that is?

Bands like the Beach Boys are doomed if they don’t rename themselves.

Other bands are luckier. Bands like The Electric Prunes, The Grateful Dead, Gerry & the Pacemakers, The Kinks, and Limp Bizkit knew they would have to live with their names for a long time and planned ahead.

As a public service to the Baby Boomer rock and roll community, we’ve taken the liberty of revising the band names for others that weren’t as prescient…

.38 Special—Blue Plate Special
ABBA—AARP
Air Supply—Oxygen Tent
Alice Cooper—Cialis Co-pay
The Animals—The Angioplasties
Bad Company—Why Don’t You Ever Visit?
Bread—Bran
Captain & Tenille—Captain & Senile
Country Joe & The Fish—Old Country Buffet & the All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry
Creedence Clearwater Revival—Creedence Clearwater Florida
The Culture Club—The Hair Club
Def Leppard—Deaf Leonard
Neil Diamond—Neil Diaper
Foreigner—We Hate Foreigners
The Four Lads—The Four O’Clock Dinner
The Four Seasons—The Sun Always Shines in Boca
The Four Tops—The Quadruple Bypass
Genesis—Apocalypse
The Guess Who—Guess Who Had a Stroke
INXS— IN-tensive Care
Iron Butterfly—Iron Lung
Journey—Cruise
KC & the Sunshine Band—KC & The Sunshine State
Gladys Knight and Pips—Gladys Knight and Poops
Night Ranger—Rogainger
The OJays—The Ben Gays
The Osmonds—The Ointments
Procol Harem—Bifocal Harem
The Replacements—The Hip Replacements
The Rolling Stones—The Gall Stones
Sly and the Famly Stone—Sly and the Kidney Stone
Squeeze—Wheeze
Styx—Cane
Supertramp—Supercramp
Three Dog Night—Three Piss Night
The Ventures—The Dentures
Wham—Scram
The Who—Who’s Left?

No charge, fellas. You can thank us by continuing to rock in a more age-appropriate fashion.

I’m sure all of the fine readers of Half Empty can help out some more. Click on the “E-mail Me” link on the right, and send along your new names for bands in need.

The livelihood of an entire generation of musicians is at stake.

More Responses to Middle Aged Road Trip


"After reading your blog, I have a very vivid image of your trip...Sounds like ya'll had a great time ! Thanks for visiting Pat O's Memphis!
--Shelly
Pat O'Brien's/Memphis

"Sweet. Next time you come let some people know so we can give you some suggestions on where to go besides Beale."
--B

"I'm sort of afraid to get old, kinda scary, i'd like to still smoke though, when i'm older."
--R

"I enjoyed your writing. Come back soon."
--J

"I think ya'll sound like a pretty good bunch of guys, considering you're Yankees and all."
--Y

"Dane Placko is a news reporter on the Ch 32 Fox News in Chicago...cool guy. Funny blog! I think I'll take their advice and start looking at life as half emtpy!"
--I

Responses to Middle Aged Road Trips

"Glad you enjoyed Memphis! Come back soon!"
--Debra Cohen, Memphis Convention and Visitors Bureau

"Thanks for the laughs! You guys got around! You had to have eaten at Dyers for the burgers, that fat is over 100 years old I'm told. I'm hoping that the rude waitress was not a Corky's employee, not a good showing of Southern hospitality. As for the flight attendent's description of the game sounds exactly like I would, I know nothing about football. Thanks for the afternoon amusement!"
--Jan Klein
Director of Mail Order Operations
Corky's BBQ-Memphis

"Sounds like a fabulous adventure. Speaking of Liza Minelli poking someone in the eye, David Gest has a house in Memphis and occasionally goes public with his weirdness. Come back sometime, -- the dog track is expanding and there is plenty more BBQ to be sampled.
--Ken Hall
Memphis Cotton Museum

"I've been reading your blog and it's very entertaining. The Middle-Aged Road Trip was especially good. I stick to Wetzels Pretzels at the airport, which are overpriced, but overpriced just a little bit more than their regular stores, so it doesn't feel as if I'm being gouged quite as much."
--P

"I can totally picture the three of you losers in Memphis doing the things you described. I laughed out loud five or six times reading that column."
--D

"The quote--'If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas'--is Classic! I have just copied that quote to a PowerPoint slide, printed it and will post it on our office's quotes-of-fame wall (yours will be next to the quote from a client who said, 'Look, it's a spot on the log, not a spot on your lung.') The trip sounds like it was a blast."
--M

"Loved your report on Memphis! Fun times, indeed. I can remember Mother and Daddy going to the dog track on Saturday afternoons for their fix. They always said they were going to the dogs!"
--I

"Very funny! Love your writing style."
--B

"That was a hoot. Just so you know, I park my semi behind that dog track..."
--V

"I couldn't help but notice that your previous road trip article (Family Road Trip), also included a bathroom fixation."
--J

Rick responds: What do you want from me? I'm a 43-year-old man. It's only going to get worse, not better. Although, just to prove to you that I can write about road trips without mentioning bathrooms, read this: Dirty Old Men

MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIP

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko



Let us set the stage.

Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.

Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.

Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…

*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to pose for this picture with Dane’s confiscated items.


*In the airport, Dave bought three bagels. When the total came to $8.10, Dave asked if they offered a financing plan.


*Our first meal in Memphis (lunch) was memorable. When the waitress brought Dave’s lunch, she slammed it on the table and snapped—“YOUR PLATE BURNED MY HAND!”


*Dane and Dave were eager to go to Mississippi, just a few minutes away from Memphis, although they had very different reasons.
=Dane wanted to cross Mississippi off his state list. He now has been to every state but Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon. Rick and Dave were just as impressed as you are.
=Dave, the same man that calls his mother every day and uses the parking brakes every single time he parks the car just like they taught him in Driver’s Ed, is actually a maniacal gambler, and knew that Mississippi has casinos.


*Rick and Dane walked around the casino looking at gamblers. Not one smile in the entire casino. Dave was one of the “happy” gamblers, sitting at the $5 blackjack table. Only the smallest bladder on the planet (or possibly an enlarged prostate) prevented him from remaining there to this day.


*While Rick attended his conference the following day, Dane & Dave went to Sun Studios and took the very cool tour there. That's Dane on the left standing in the exact spot Elvis recorded “That’s Alright Mama.” That's Dave on the right, proudly singing about getting the AAA discount even though his card had expired.


*At the media conference, Rick grabbed some lunch at Quiznos. To give you an idea what kind of a crowd attended this conference, the three people in front of Rick…
=complained about the absence of romaine lettuce on the sandwiches.
=lectured the teenager behind the counter that the “roast chicken” sandwich should be called the “tortured chicken sandwich”
AND last but not least…
=demanded to know why “vitamin water” was not available as a fountain drink.
Rick ordered the Italian with everything. The teenager behind the counter smiled.


*Rick got home from the conference just in time to break up the fight between Dane and Dave. Dane wanted to go to the Cotton Museum. Dave said he would rather be poked in the eyes by Liza Minnelli.


*That night we explored Beale Street, the party center of Memphis. After an incredible BBQ dinner, we settled in at a blues bar. After one of Dave’s three trips to the bathroom, he claimed to have spotted Dennis Quaid. Rick and Dane would have been much more impressed by Randy Quaid.


*Next stop: Pat O’Briens. The Memphis version of the famous New Orleans nightspot is almost an exact duplicate of the original. A rock and roll cover band was playing Van Halen in the courtyard. Rick and Dave wandered out to listen. Dane yelled “This is too loud!” and went to the dueling piano bar to listen to the Billy Joel medley instead.


*After a night of drinking, we stopped in for a late night burger. After we ordered the burgers, Dane noticed they weren’t being made on a grill. They were being boiled in a vat of animal fat. Mmmm.


*The night came to end when Dave’s “throbbing headache” had to be relieved with a medication cocktail that included Tylenol and Ambien.



*The following morning, the three middle aged travelers went to Graceland, where we suddenly didn’t feel so old.





*Dave got a little cocky at Graceland. He tried to get the student discount with his University of Illinois student ID card from 1985. “1985 Dave” had a full head of hair. “2007 Dave” has a gray goatee, and a shiny polished dome. The cashier didn’t go for it. This is her reaction when we tried to take her picture.



*Rick was grumbling that there weren’t any new Graceland snow domes since his last visit, so he bought an Elvis/Nixon magnet instead. This is the geek by Elvis’ grave.



*Lunch at Corky’s was the best meal of the trip…an unbelievable BBQ pork meal. Dave went to the bathroom there twice. Dane told Dave that he would make a provision in his will donating his bladder to Dave.




*After lunch, Rick and Dave took a nap. Dane went to the Cotton Museum by himself. If you ever meet him, ask to see the video. He videotaped the experience on his cell-phone, but we couldn't figure out how to upload it here.




*Not wanting to go out drinking again, the boys settled on an excursion to Arkansas for their last night. It wasn’t until they arrived at the dog track that Dane & Rick realized why Dave was so excited about this…it was attached to a casino.



*If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas.


*Although...the bar was serving 20 ounce Michelob beers for 50 cents a piece. Rick had three dollars in his pocket and a song in his heart.





*Dane picked the winners of the first two dog races. After that, not so much. This is Dane tearing up his betting slips.




*Dave got in a poker game, and was one $250 pot away from losing everything. When he didn’t lose the hand, he got out, and didn’t return. Although, he did stop at the video poker machines on his way back from his second bathroom trip.



*The night ended when Rick got heartburn. He bought Pepto Bismol in the hotel gift shop…at the nicer hotel next door.




*The next morning when we checked out of the hotel, Dave asked the clerk to name the most famous person who ever stayed at their hotel. She said: “The tall guy from the TV show ‘Martin’ had his family reunion here.” Top that.


*The next day the middle aged travelers arrived at the airport two and a half hours before their flight so they could watch the Bears-Seahawks playoff game.



*With fifty seconds left in the tied game, the airline announced… “Chicago fans, this is your last call for boarding. We’re going to give away your tickets if you don’t board right now.” An audible groan went up in the airport bar. We walked down the tunnel toward the airplane not knowing if the game went to overtime or not. Dave, Dane and Rick tried to convince everyone to draw straws to see who would fake a heart attack in the tunnel to delay the flight.


*The flight attendant was British. She announced the football game result this way: “I’m not sure what this means, but the team from Chicago…I’m told they are known as the Bears…scored… is it called a field goal? Yes. In any case, they won the American football contest.” We cheered, but we suddenly all felt stupid for caring.


So, was our middle aged road trip fun? I know it might not sound like it, but we had a great time. Will we do it again? Probably.

Next time, though, Dave is getting a catheter.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DENIAL (Part 1)

Episode One of The Bald Handbook

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)









By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Combovers.

The Combover

While treating amputees during the Civil War, S.Weir Mitchell discovered that many of his patients still had feeling and sensation in their departed limbs. Many of these amputees were so convinced that they still had their legs that they tried walking. This phenomenon became known as Phantom Limb Syndrome (PLS).

This theory can also be used to describe men who have lost their hair. We call this Phantom Hair Syndrome (PHS). Since combing a bare scalp can be painful, balding men will over comb where hair remains. This over combing (note the similarity to “combover”) will result in the bizarre and often embarrassing hairstyles we see.

In order for real healing to begin we must review some of the combovers that are produced by PHS. Please keep in mind this is not an all-inclusive list. The following are just the most common and easiest to spot.

The Flip
This is the most common combover. Wearers of this style simply grow their hair a little longer on one side and flip it over to the other side. Combover connoisseurs consider The Flip to be the least creative of the combovers because it lacks flair. One famous critic called it “an embarrassment to all other combovers.” It’s easy to tell how long one has been suffering from PHS by measuring the “long” side. We’re surprised the Guinness book of world records does not have a category for this.

Frontal Tuft Fluff Up
As its name implies, the Frontal Tuft Fluff Up is when there are a few hairs remaining on the frontal scalp and they are teased or “fluff upped” above the forehead. Mourners that use this combover often do this in conjunction with the “flip.” This is especially common among sportscasters and news anchors. However here’s a word of advice to those that might be in the news broadcast profession: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever look away from the camera. Really. Never do that.

The Soft Serve Ice Cream
Also known as the “swirl,” this is one of the more creative combovers. Like the “flip” the mourner will grow his hair especially long on one side and swirl his hair around the barren wasteland concentrically or in a “swirl.”

The Three Sided Box Top
Now we’re getting to the more creative of the combovers. Here the wearer grows his hair long all around the scalp and neatly flips the hair in three directions. Very few people can pull this one off. It seems men married to blind women are especially prone to this technique.

The Trump
This one defies logic and quite frankly a few laws of physics. Here the mourner will grow his hair long in the back and flip it to the front. With ozone layer killing force, the hair will remain in place with the help of industrial hair spray. Sadly, this one can have some big costs to the wearer in divorce proceedings.

Zone Coverage

There seems to be segments of our population more prone to PHS than others. Among the four hundred and seventy five different professions we studied for their CTNC (Combover to Non-Combover) Ratio, the runaway winner was basketball coach. Three of the most successful coaches in NCAA history suffer from PHS-induced combovers. Jim Boeheim, Gene Keady and Lou Henson have accounted for almost 2,000 Division I victories.

Why does PHS strike basketball coaches so often? Maybe it’s the constant exposure to a big round ball or playing in domed stadiums. Maybe it’s the hours spent teaching the cross-over dribble. Maybe it’s the dedication to the zone defense. Maybe it’s the constant screaming of ‘deny, deny, deny’ when preaching defense to the big men in the paint. All of those reasons are hazards of the trade, but not excuses.

Combover-Free Professions

Just as there are reasons why the combover exists in the basketball coaching profession, there are reasons why other professions simply cannot sustain a combover. In our extensive research, we have found several occupations that didn’t have a single combover. The winners:
• Wing Walker
• Hot Air Balloon Pilot
• Professional Bungee Cord Jumper
• Twister Chaser
• Pirate Ship Lookout (in Crow’s Nest)

What is the common ingredient that binds these professions? Nature’s evil force.

The combover is mostly considered an indoor-solution to hair loss because of nature’s evil force; wind. If you’ve ever seen a man walking down the street with one incredibly long hair flapping in the wind above an otherwise bald head, you’ve seen the combover’s arch nemesis. Artificial wind is no better. For that reason, we urge PHS sufferers to avoid standing directly in front of Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and/or Jesse Jackson.

What should combover-men do?

Stop. Just stop now.

However, if you still haven’t gotten past the denial stage and insist on keeping your combover, we have a request to make on behalf of bald men everywhere. Please become a hermit and stay indoors at all times. Do it for all of your balding brothers. The Fullheads use you as an example to mock us every time we speak to them.

Then, when you’re inside, don’t read anything or watch television. Next month we’ll go over some of the ways Fullhead charlatans can try to take your money and your dignity.

And they will. Oh yes they will.

"Pabst is Back! We blame ourselves"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern






You read that right. Pabst Blue Ribbon is now a very popular brand of beer.

It’s our fault, too.

We failed an entire generation of Americans. We just assumed that no one needed to be told anymore. We didn’t even worry about kids discovering Pabst because surely the liquor store owner or barkeep would fill them in at the point of purchase.

“Um, son,” he would say, “You know you’re buying Pabst, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“We haven’t sold any since 1979.”

“So?”

“It tastes like carbonated urine.”

“So?”

“Just say the word Pabst.”

“Pabst.”

“Now make the sound you make when you’re vomiting.”

“Pabst.”

If only that conversation had actually occurred.

Think about it, baby boomers. We didn’t even mention Pabst Beer for an entire generation because we thought it was so obviously bad that no-one would dare make the mistake of buying it. That was our mistake.

If you haven’t noticed, the kids today are latching on to many of the trends from the 70s, from the long hair, to the gooey pop tunes, to the fashion. Many of those are also big mistakes, but it may have taken the resurgence in the popularity of Pabst to finally get our attention.

These kids didn’t live through this history. They need it to be spelled out. Even things that we assume are obvious.

Engage the youngsters in conversation. Let them know that the following items are not to be revived under any circumstances…but most importantly tell them why.



1. Jonathon Livingston Seagull
This was a wildly popular book and movie. Let’s have the conversation now. Ask us anything you want about it.


“What is it about?”

“A seagull.”

“A talking seagull?”

“No. Just a seagull.”

“What happens to him?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Not a damn thing.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

If that’s not clear enough, maybe we should just add this: DON’T READ IT OR WATCH IT! YOU’LL NEVER REGAIN THOSE TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE.



2. Leisure Suits
These were all the rage in the mid-to-late 70s. Everyone had at least one leisure suit. Ask us anything you want about them.



“What is a leisure suit?”

“A shirt-like jacket and matching pants.”

“Like a suit?”

“Sort of, but more casual.”

“So it’s comfortable?”

“No, actually it’s made out of polyester, so it’s even less comfortable than a suit.”

“But I thought you said it was more casual.”

“It is. It looks worse than a suit, and it’s less comfortable.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

If that’s not clear enough, let us spell it out: THE ONLY REASON WE DON’T TALK ABOUT LEISURE SUITS IS BECAUSE WE’RE COMPLETELY HUMILIATED THAT WE EVER FELL FOR THEM.


3. The Symbionese Liberation Army
This was an anti-corporate group of middle class white radicals in the 70s who hoped to create an uprising against the government and the corporations that run everything. Ask us anything you want…


“That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“What?”

“The anti-corporate part.”

“Do you think corporations control this country now?”

“Yes.”

“So do you think the Symbionese Liberation Army was even remotely successful?”

“Oh.”

“Ask me what tactics they used.”

“What tactics did they use?”

“They robbed banks and kidnapped people.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Exactly.”


That’s just the tip of the iceberg, kids. You’ll be hard pressed to find a decade with worse ideas than the 1970s. Please, we urge you, don’t make us live through it again. It would leave a terrible taste in our mouths.

Kind of like Pabst.

"Middle Age Nursery Rhymes"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


As parents of young children, we have to read the original versions of the following nursery rhymes all the time. They were no longer speaking to our generation, so we've updated them. Feel free to contribute some of your own.


Humpty Dumpty put up dry wall,
Humpty Dumpty tried to install,
All the kings ransom soon left his house,
And Humpty was left with a told-you-so spouse



One, two, it must be the flu,
Three, four, your body is sore,
Five, six, your stomach kicks,
Seven, eight, something you ate?
Nine, ten, pregnant again.



Middle Aged Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie,
His stomach went numb, so he ate some Tums
And ruined his diverticuli


Jack was nimble, Jack was quick
Jack bent over and slipped a disk



Old Billy Joel,
Ran into a poll,
And registered 1.3,
He called up his guy,
For his third DUI,
And Old Billy Joel copped a plea



Little US worker showed up for work on time
Devoted all those years and the ladder he did climb
Then corporate heads disclaimed that profits were too low
Now the Little US worker lost his job to Mexico!



All around the young girl’s desk,
The old boss chases Tammy,
And just when she gets into his range,
Pop! Goes his hammy.




Little Miss Muffet (pronounced Muf-fey)
sat at a Buffet,
Eating too many trays,
when along came her mother,
Who looked down upon her
And frightened Miss Muffet away


The itsy bitsy bladder,
Had an unblocked route,
But up came the prostate,
And soon it trickled out,
Back in his bed,
He fell asleep and then,
The itsy bitsy bladder,
Felt so full again.

Video Games for Grown-Ups
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





If you’re a parent with kids over the age of seven, the odds of having some sort of a video game system in your home is roughly the same as owning a fork. (There’s also a ninety seven percent chance that at some point you’ve said the following words: “When we were kids all we had was Pong.”) Throughout it all, you’ve quietly watched your children joyfully slaying dragons, stealing cars, and machine-gunning entire urban neighborhoods, but you’ve never once asked…what’s in it for us?

We’re asking it now. What’s in for us?

We know the youngsters who work for the video game companies don’t think about this huge untapped middle-aged “gamer” market out there, so we’ve taken the liberty to offer suggestions for video games that might interest people our age. These nine completely free* ideas, are available to any and all video game companies.


Sonia the Soccer Mom
The game is set in Suburbania, the beautiful village by the interstate. In Level One, Sonia signs up her identically dressed identical twins Ashley and Amber for soccer at the park district. Things start to get ugly when Sonia is pegged as driver for the entire team. Negotiating through summer construction projects, Sonia must pilot the minivan through multiple sub-divisions that look exactly the same while picking up Emily, Madison, Emma, Tori, Maya and Mia. Players need to move quickly through the game or run the risk of draining all their allotted $3.56/gallon gas. Take too long and the Starbuck’s Grande Latte Sonia picked up in level one will get cold.


Mr. Fix It
In this game, the home improvement novice will be given exactly $1500 in his savings account and will face every conceivable problem a homeowner can encounter…each of which costs $1500 to fix. Mr. Fix-It must choose which one is the most important (or dangerous), and then he must attempt to fix the rest of these problems himself. The first level, The Yard, won’t be too difficult, and it includes three free emergency room visits. In the second level, Plumbing Problems, Mr. Fix It could potentially destroy his entire house. And no-one has yet survived the third level: Electrical Problems.


Audit Assault
The fun never ends when the IRS man shows up unannounced at your front door. In level one, you’ll have to look for your receipts from 1999 while simultaneously keeping the IRS man away from your “actual” books. In this ironic twist, points are deducted for things you shouldn’t have deducted, and for the most grievous illegal deductions (“Shouldn’t beer be deductible if I drink while I’m working?”), you can have your house taken away from you. In the two-player version of this game, you are allowed one call from jail in Level Three.


Company Christmas Party
Deck the halls with balls of fun for this holiday favorite. It’s December 17th and time for Acme Corp’s annual Christmas Party. Players will negotiate through countless meaningless conversations and fake laughs as they make their way through the pre-dinner cocktail hour in Level One. Uh-Oh you’ve been seated next to your manager’s wife who thinks that your knee is a perfect place to rest her hand. Points are deducted in Level Two when you start drinking and tell off color racist jokes within earshot of your Jewish comptroller. Be extra careful not to get sucked into the mistletoe black hole.


20 YEAR High School Reunion
It’s only four weeks before Nick goes back to St. Bestyearsgoneby for his 20th High School Reunion. The clock is ticking as the Level One player searches for miracle weight loss diets, really good jobs, and hair. Level Two finds our hero dodging the bullies at the function and trying to convince the head cheerleader that he really did sit next to her in English. Points will be deducted for all awkward silence and any damage to the sports car that Nick rented for the occasion.


Family Vacation
It’s finally here, the long awaited family winter vacation to Disney World. This game follows Mr. and Mrs. Broke and their four children from the time they leave their home with gleeful anticipation till the time their disheartened spirits come back. The perils immediately start in level one when they get delayed for 13 hours in Atlanta surviving on vending machine muffins and over priced bagels. Uh-oh Florida is known for rain and this storm is a biggie. Players must search for $30 plastic garbage rain smocks. Player skill is tested when all three children get the flu. Go over budget and only one kid can go to college.


In-Law Invasion
It’s the first day of summer and the recently retired in-laws have flown into town with one-way tickets to spend some quality time with their grandchildren. In Level One, you must adapt every thing you do to the way “we’ve always done it”. In Level Two you are no longer allowed to discuss anything other than religion and politics. In Level Three, points are deducted for putting “just a touch” of poison in the morning coffee.


Working For The Man
Set in a typical non-descript office; Benjamin Boring is sitting in his cubicle as usual. He’s only got 6 years until retirement and must find a way to keep his job. Players must avoid the evil twin villains, Downsizing and Foreign Outsourcing. Bonus points are awarded for looking busy and running office pools. Level Three provides gamers with the famous Frozen Pension Maze. Working for the Man 2 has the bonus Loss of Insurance Coverage conundrum.


Stress Test
Feeling a little too tired to make it to the doctor for this year’s Stress Test? Do it from the comfort of your La-Z-Boy, with “Stress Test, The Video Game.” In Level One your player will run on a treadmill with wires attached all over his body. In Level Two, you will pick out which hospital room you want him to have for his angioplasty recovery. In Level Three, you get your choice of Jell-o flavors.


Let the kids have their fun with Sonic the Hedge Hog and Madden Football. We’ll show them what real terror looks like. On second thought, Pong doesn’t look so bad.




*By “Free” we mean that we would retain the customary 51% ownership. That might as well be free, you ungrateful little snots.

Our favorite diseases and injuries

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Remember the good old days when you used to make fun of your dad for all those funny grunts he made when he got up off a chair? Or how about all those carefree hours of laughter you had at the expense of your Uncle Gabe and his ear hair? You were a regular Henny Youngman back then, weren’t you? King of the comedy world.

Now let us ask you a question: How funny is your routine now that you’re blitzkrieging towards middle age?

Thought so.

Well, rapidly aging readers, don't fret. Your good buddies Rick and Dave are going to help you through the aging process a little bit. Obviously, as we get older our body tends to get a few more aches and pains along the way. It’s inevitable. The trick is to find the right aches and pains.

In fact, if you follow our lead, we can make the natural deterioration of your body a semi-pleasant experience. Simply get extremely mild cases of the following diseases and injuries, and your life may actually improve:


Tinnitus –Tinnitus is a constant ringing in the ears. What is the treatment? Sufferers need to sit in a quiet room free of all screaming children. To drown out the ringing, a constant sound in the background is permitted. Sporting events on television work perfectly.

Sleep Apnea – You don’t want to take a long afternoon nap every day, you are medically required to do so.

Jumping Frenchman of Maine – This real (Jumping Frenchman of Maine) disorder is characterized by an unusually extreme “startle reaction” to an unexpected noise or sight. For instance, your in-laws showing up unexpectedly at your door might elicit this extreme response. Perhaps the sight of the $400 pair of shoes your wife just bought might have similar consequences. Treatment options? Your loved ones must avoid any and all changes in your environment.

Hyper-extended elbow- Most orthopedic doctors agree that this is one of the hardest injuries to treat. People can have lingering pain from an injury they had many years ago (did somebody mention painkillers?). All manual labor, like helping your wife’s brother move for the third time in three years, should be avoided.

Compulsive Shopper – I’ll go to the store, honey! Just give me that credit card and whoopee!!!! What do you mean I’m absolutely forbidden to go to the mall?

Alien Hand Syndrome – This is an unusual neurological disorder in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a life of its own. No, I did not intentionally flip off that bus driver; I’m ill. Honey, did I unbutton your shirt again? Darn hand.

Temporary loss of smell – Doctors are baffled as to why many men in their 30’s and 40’s temporarily lose their sense of smell. Equally puzzling is why many of the afflicted have young children in diapers.

Chronic Allergies – Allergies are a nuisance, but an allergic reaction to grass means you can’t mow the lawn. An allergic reaction to cats and/or dogs means you really should spend the next family gathering at Uncle Leo’s house sitting outside by yourself.

Heart Disease – This one’s a bit tricky. Go overboard and things could get ugly. However, many scientists think that deficiency in the vitamins B6, B12 and folate can cause cardiovascular disease. Guess what is rich in B6, B12 and folate……..BEER. Honey can you pick up my prescription at the liquor store on your way home?


Are there any that we’re forgetting? Feel free to send us your favorite disease and injury suggestions, by clicking on the word “comments” below.

We’ll have plenty of time to read them. We’re medically required to spend the rest of the day in our basements.

DIRTY OLD MEN

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern





It was the summer of our 40th birthday. A group of us (all turning 40) gathered in New Orleans to relive our glory years and pretend like we could still party like 20-somethings. It was just the guys. All wives were left behind in our respective home towns...all happily allowing their pathetic aging husbands go to New Orleans for three days of decadence.

And we were having a great time too. Unlike our youthful partying days, we even had a few dollars in our pockets to enjoy great meals in addition to the many, many, many drinks we were consuming. And though we started to feel younger simply by being back in a non-stop partying town, there was also one moment that made us face reality.

If you’ve never been to Bourbon Street, let’s just say that the way gals earn those cheap plastic beads is an eye-popping experience. It happens time and time again, often within a few feet of where you are standing. Right there. Slightly below eye level. Accompanied by a big smile.

“Hello fresh air,” parts of them say. “Yes it is a little cold out here.”

What we didn’t realize at the time is that the audience for these free shows is chosen for its non-threatening nature. They look for men with beads—standing far away, say on balconies—or for men close by who wouldn’t dream of being a problem...

We weren’t on balconies. We didn’t have beads. And we were given show after show after show without even requesting it.

Our suspicions were officially confirmed under direct cross-examination. One young lady seemed to be following us around, earning beads after beads from nearby balcony residents. One of us jokingly said to her...

“I guess you don’t have to worry about us, huh?”

“That’s for sure,” she said.

Ouch.

Of course, she’s absolutely correct. We’re beyond harmless. Even our internal fantasies end abruptly with thoughts of divorce court, splitting up our property, and waving goodbye to our children, our wives, and our lives.

On the other hand, that doesn’t mean we don’t notice things. We’re not dead. We’re only half-way there. Our eyes are still working reasonably well. What else do we notice?

*The Spanish Language channels
When we’re channel surfing, and we come to the Spanish language channels, we stop. We admit it. We don’t speak Spanish, and we can’t follow anything that is being said, yet we stop. It’s not for the soccer games.

*Elimi-Date
This show is so wrong. One man has five women fighting over him. These young trashy women are willing to say or do anything to the other women on the show in order to get their man. It’s demeaning to women. It teaches women all the wrong values. And we stop every time we’re flipping past it.

*Princesses
OK, this is going to sound sick, but someone has to admit this. All of the cartoon princesses, and we mean all of them, are easy on the eyes (and since they are of marrying age—all of them are legal too). Jasmine could have been the girl in New Orleans following us around—in fact she looked just like her. Cinderella cooks, cleans, and let’s face it, she’s a knockout. As for Snow White, she even sings while she cleans. And Sleeping Beauty...she has the word “Beauty” in her name—AND she would let us sleep in.

Is that all? No, of course not. There are many other examples of noticing things with our eyes, but let us explain how this works in the minds of dirty old men (at least in our case). It’s the same thing every time. There are really six steps.

1. Whoa, look at that.
2. Wow, can you imagine...
3. Stop it, sicko. You’re old enough to be her father.
4. Look at what you’ve done! Everything you’ve worked for, this wonderful loving family and wife—and you’re going to throw it all away for a princess?
5. Change the channel.
6. Ah, a sporting event.

Every time our wives come into the room and complain that we’re watching yet another sporting event, we just take the punishment. We deserve it, and they don’t even realize why. Because if they knew, they wouldn’t be complaining that we’re watching sporting events.

On the other hand, when the women suddenly sit down and watch the sporting events with us, they aren’t just marveling at the athletic ability of the soaring, powerful, muscle-bound, tank-top wearing basketball stars with big feet, are they? What did that last breathless “Oh My” really mean?

Where’s the remote? I think Elimi-Date is on channel 6.