GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Bald “Cures.”



Tools of the trade

“There’s a sucker born every minute”
--P.T. Barnum

Grasping at straws and the few hairs that are left, balding men have succumbed, and purchased the following foolish gimmicks...


Hot Head (US Patent 6,024,100 / Issued 2000)
Heading our list is something called The Hot Head. Basically, this apparatus allows you to steam clean your head. Just put on the helmet, click on the steam generator and open the valve. Next, hair restorer is sprayed on your bald head and highly compressed air forces it into your scalp. The Fullhead who invented this must have gotten the idea from the vacuum pump he was using to make something else grow.

Good Looking Hair (GLH)
GLH is billed as the “latest breakthrough” in hair loss treatments. Administered through a spray can, GLH contains thousands of “almost life-like” fibers that will adhere to the scalp and existing follicles of hair. The victim simply sprays GLH on areas devoid of hair. The GLH website touts; “It's like instant hair in a can.” A more appropriate label is “instant abstinence” in a can.

Salad Dressing
In the mid sixties, a mixture of vinegar and oil was often used as a topical solution for hair loss. Proponents of this remedy felt that the mixture would promote hair growth for men who had especially lousy papilla. An entire Dick Van Dyke Show episode revolved around this. Of course, let’s not forget, that was a comedy.

Low Level Laser Technology (LLLT)
This is one the latest hair growth techniques. With this procedure low level laser beams are shot into the bald scalp. Lasercomb, a leading product in LLLT states, “This technique uses the energy of laser light to nourish and revitalize your hair. Light is energy and living cells ‘like’ light. Your hair is no different.”
Dude, put down the bong. It seems like the makers of Lasercomb may have been to one too many Grateful Dead shows.

Dead Sea Mud
There is a growing consensus among researchers that using products made from Dead Sea mud is useful in preventing hair loss. Most experts feel that the nutrients this mud possesses is the origin of its restorative powers. While we don’t have any empirical evidence to dispute such a claim, we’ll just point to one glaring observation: You ever notice all the bald Jews?

Rogaine
Let’s just say for a significant percentage of users it should be renamed Nogaine. Look, one of the main ingredients of Rogaine is alcohol. Think about some of the dumbest things you’ve done in your life. How many of those involved alcohol? That’s what we thought. So tell us again why you’ve decided that rubbing alcohol directly into your head will work out for you?

Propecia
This prescription drug has been around since the late nineties. The good news is that for a significant portion of users Propecia does promote hair growth. The bad news is that there could be some sexual side effects like difficulty achieving an erection. That’s normally of little concern to our people. Do you really want to take away your only advantage—your virility?

Hair thickening shampoo
You’ve seen the commercials. A guy who appears like he’s losing his hair holds a basketball and says “This is what your head will look like soon.” Then he pitches a shampoo that thickens the hair. When they show the close-up of his hair, you marvel at its thickness. How many of you were actually in the car on the way to the store before the commercial was even over?

Your hair is not gravy. You can’t add some corn starch to thicken it. It is falling out because of your genes. Unless the shampoo alters your genetics, it’s not going to work. Remember that some Fullhead is getting rich taking advantage of you.

Emu Oil (U.S. Patent 5,958,384/Issued 1999)
Some Fullhead named Holick patented the use of emu oil to stimulate hair growth. The abstract for his patent states, “The present invention is directed to the discovery that topical or parenteral administration of emu oil to a mammal stimulates the proliferation of skin. Emu oil can be used to treat skin wrinkles and rejuvenate aged and photo-damaged skin. It has also been discovered that emu oil can be topically applied to stimulate melanogenesis in the skin and to stimulate hair growth.”

No offense, Mr. Holick, but it doesn’t even work on Emus. Emus are bald…and proud of it. It’s those darn ostriches that are so ashamed of their baldness they bury their heads in the sand.

Hair cloning
Dr. Walter Unger, a man who has performed almost 30,000 hair transplant surgeries holds a patent on a procedure that clones hair. He and his researchers take hairs from the back of a balding man’s head, and multiply them in a lab. Unfortunately, it only worked on four of the twenty three test subjects, and of those four, only one got something that could be described as a “tuft” of hair. Dr. Unger doesn’t think it will ever work. He has abandoned his research, although others are still trying it.

If those odds of success sound good to you, then feel free to shell out anywhere between $8000-$12,000. That’s what it costs.


What should a man who uses these products do?

Stop. Just stop now.

If you really think they work, however, we have one more technique for you to consider.

The simplest cure for baldness is still transforming into a werewolf. Just do one of the following: get bitten by a werewolf, wear the enchanted skin of a dead wolf or werewolf, drink water from a wolf's footprint, eat a wolf's brain, or have sex with a werewolf and survive.

Geez, do we have to tell you everything?

Next month we’ll take a look at the most horrible cases of bald denial: Hair plugs and Toupees.

Warning: It’s not going to be pretty.