NUDITY!
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


We've been writing "Half Empty" for almost two years now, and have been tracking which columns seem to strike a nerve, and which columns get the most "hits" and/or "unique visitors."

We can tell when we strike a nerve because we get lots of feedback. Clearly our pieces about the Cubs, our middle aged road trip, and Nigerian spamming have gotten the most feedback.

But which column has the most hits and unique visitors by far? This column about men in showers.

We'd like to think it's because we were so funny or clever, but we know the real reason. It's because people (and we're going to go out on a limb here and guess 'gay men') are Googling "Men in Showers."

We've learned a valuable lesson here.

That's why we will never write a column about NUDE MEN. That would be wrong. And we'll never write a column about HOT NUDE MEN. That would be a cynical ploy to move up the Google rankings, something we would never do. The only thing worse than that would be to write a column about HOT NUDE WOMEN, and we'll never stoop that low. We're far too ethical.

In fact, from this point further, we're not taking any chances.

We're banning the use of the word NUDE completely, and that includes other forms of the word including NUDITY, MALE NUDITY and FEMALE NUDITY. NAKED is also hereby banned.

Don't even think about trying to get us to relax these new rules either. We don't care if LINDSAY LOHAN ISN'T WEARING PANTIES, it won't be referred to in this column. We don't care if BILL CLINTON'S NEW MISTRESS IS CAUGHT IN LIP LOCK WITH THE FORMER PRESIDENT, the PHOTOS or the text will not befoul this column. And we won't accidentally misspell "Bill" this way: "MILF". That would be incredibly bad spelling, and we have spell-check.

We know that this makes us come off as fuddy-duddies, but that's who we are. We're middle aged men with families, and we insist on being respectful. That's why those Hollywood lunatics can release CELEBRITY SEX TAPES until the cows come home--we won't write about them or show the CELEBRITY SEX VIDEOS here. J-LO'S PREGNANCY can reach it's full-term in peace as far as we're concerned. We don't care about THE FATHER OF J-LO'S BABY. We don't need to see ULTRA-SOUND PICTURES OF J-LO'S BABY, and we don't wonder if BEN AFFLECK IS THE FATHER OF J-LO'S BABY. It's none of our business.

Our rejection of CELEBRITY SLEAZE is not caused by a holier than thou attitude. We're not claiming to be "artists" or "activists." Even if JK ROWLING writes a SURPRISE HARRY POTTER SEQUEL and the SECRET MANUSCRIPT falls into our UNCLOTHED MALE hands, we won't mention it. We don't write about politics either, and not even GEORGE BUSH'S NATIONAL GUARD RECORDS, RUDY GIULIANI'S SEALED DIVORCE PAPERS, or JOHN KERRY'S MILITARY MEDICAL RECORDS will make us change that policy. Period.

Look, we're just a couple of guys trying to write a few jokes. Come back next week and we'll try to have some.