OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

By Dave Stern






If they had an America’s Funniest Catholic Home Videos show there is no doubt Rick would win the $10,000 grand prize.

Scene: The inside of a Wheaton church, at a typical Catholic wedding where an extremely young looking Rick and Bridget were professing their love for one another. The groomsmen were standing in front, waiting for the open bar, when the priest offered the host to the congregation. After a few seconds of nudging from the second groomsman, the first groomsman tentatively approached the father where he received the holy sacrament. The groomsman took the wafer, sheepishly turned around and stuck it in the front pocket of his rented tux.

You would think that they would have gone over this little ritual with the Jewish guy standing up, wouldn’t you? What are rehearsal dinners for? Alas, they didn’t, and for the remainder of the night I had to answer the question, “Hey Dave, is that the body of Christ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me” from about a million people I didn’t know.

I forgot about this little incident until the beginning of this year when my oldest daughter Lyla started preschool at the local Catholic school. Even though we are all God’s children, there are a few differences between us Jews and Catholics.

First off, they think they know corned beef but they really don’t. This is proven by the school’s September 5th lunch menu: Lean corned beef sandwich on white bread, served with choice of mustard, butter or mayo. I’m not sure what they served at the last supper, but I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t the daily special. He knew that corned beef is always served on rye, and the only thing His disciples would have needed to pass was the mustard.

Second, please do us few Jewish families at the school a favor; don’t teach the sign of the cross to preschoolers on the eve of Rosh Hashanah. If there was an America’s Funniest Jewish Home Video show, Lyla flopping the cross out in front of Grandpa and Grandma during services would no doubt win the grand prize. By the way, you ever notice that the sign for hit and run is very similar? Lyla pointed that out while we watched the Cubs in the playoffs. Maybe that’s why they haven’t won in 100 years.

Third, do yourselves a favor and don’t let us Jews play in your monthly raffles. Of the three raffles held, the STERN family has won two of them. Take that my Gentile friends.

Finally, please include a little instruction manual when you send out that gigantic box of offering envelopes to us Jews. I had to call Rick to find out what they were. Also, please don’t use permanent labels on the front. Those are real hard to peel off when my people reuse ‘em for business correspondence.

Other than these little differences, we’re all pretty much the same. In fact, the Catholics have actually improved a couple of our moves. I have to hand it to them, they sure know how to fund raise…..and fund raise…..and fund raise….and fund raise. Don’t even get me started on that guilt thing.