HALLOWEEN COSTUME IDEAS FOR GROWN-UPS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




It's time once again for our annual Halloween costume tips. Here are ten simple, inexpensive costume ideas for grown ups ripped out of this year's headlines.


1. Senator Larry Craig
Simple costume. Bald wig, business suit, toilet paper stuck to shoe. When sitting, using a really, really, wide stance.
Sample party comment: "I loooove this mauve couch, er, uh, I mean, how 'bout them Bears?"


2. Lisa Nowak
Wear a flight suit/jump suit, a NASA baseball hat, and groan inappropriately.
Sample party comment: "Oh, is there a line waiting to get in the bathroom? Hadn't noticed."


3. Mark Prior
All that's necessary is a #22 Cubs jersey, a Cubs hat, and a sling for your arm.
Sample party comment: "I would have had this at my house, but my doctor told me not to 'throw' a party at all this off-season."


4. George Bush 2005-2007
Write the numbers 2005-2007 on the forehead of your George Bush mask, then tape a picture of Alberto Gonzales on the back of your pants so it "covers your ass."
Sample party comment: "Mind if I conduct a little unlawful 'surveillance' on that hot blonde over there?"


5. Keith Richards
Wear a bandana on your head, hold a cigarette in one hand, and carry an urn under your arm.
Sample party comment: "Who wants a hit of my dad?"


6. Michael Vick
This costume will never be cheaper than it is right now. His jerseys are going for about $10 on eBay.
Sample party comment: "I'll make the hot dogs! What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?"


7. Rudy Guiliani
Wear a bald wig and a business suit, hunch your back, and plan your arrival time down to the minute.
Sample party comment: "Sorry we're so late...is it already 9:11?"


8. OJ Simpson
Did you really think you wouldn't be able to use that black knit cap and black gloves costume again?
Sample party comment: "Who wants to help me get my pretzels back from that lady's plate over there?"


9. Ann Coulter
A long blonde wig, a short black skirt, and a gigantic chip on your shoulder is all that’s needed to pull off this costume.
Sample party comment: "No thank you. I won't eat from the deli tray until it converts."

And of course, this one from last year's list will work for at least two more Halloweens...


10. President Bush's War Strategy
Wear a "NO EXIT" sign around your neck and never leave.
Sample party comment: "Nice try, but turning out the lights is not going to work. I'm not going anywhere."

ADDING YEARS TO YOUR LIFE
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




This year both of us turned 44, and quite frankly, we’re getting a little worried. Let’s just say that neither of us are exactly in the greatest shape, and both of our fathers died young. We’re peeling off years at an alarming rate and we need to do something about it…and fast!

There are two possible solutions.

1) Exercise, eat right and do yoga.
2) The Rick and Dave solution.

The pundits will have you believe that the first choice is the most prudent option. Try it if you like, but at best, you'll add five, six, maybe eight years to your life. Big deal. That's maybe one Cubs playoff appearance, if you're lucky.

That's not the Rick and Dave way. We’re overachievers. We need more. With the Rick and Dave solution, you can add decades or more to your life.

How do we do it? We lie to ourselves.

Self-deception is not a half-hearted pastime. Simply saying: “Age is only a state of mind” or “Look at John Glenn! He went up in space in his seventies” is not going to cut it. The novice self-fibber's house of cards will come tumbling down the first time he pulls a neck muscle changing lanes. (Shut up. We've done it.)

No, self deception is an art. When you're a pro (like we are), you know you won't actually live longer, no matter how many times you say it. Words alone are ineffective. However, words that make it seem like you're living longer can bring you immortality.

With our help, a few well placed words can turn any situation into an excruciating how-long-have-I-been-here moment. As you continue to experience excruciating moment after excruciating moment, you will slowly but surely add years to your life. Before you know it, it won't even matter how old you are anymore, because it will seem like you've been alive since the beginning of time.

Try it yourself with a few examples for beginners.

1) "Let me take (Child A) to the pre-school birthday party!"
You don't have say another word. Father Time will take care of the rest. Don’t worry if the first few minutes of the party go by quickly--the kids are cute for about five minutes or so. After that, time starts to crawl. The more screaming kids, the better. The more fights, the slower the earth rotates. By the time the party is over, you will already have lived longer than your father.

2)"Honey, tell me more about your job."
Then get specific. Ask about paperwork: "What sort of information do they ask for in the requisition forms these days?" Or, ask about specific petty co-worker squabbles: "So, what's the status of Ralph's stapler. Any sign of it yet? I bet if you open Doris' desk..." Better yet, offer advice on how to deal with issues at work: "You know how I would reorganize your department if I were you?" Any of those office discussions will actually make the clock start moving backwards. Remember, God could have created three universes in the time it takes a typical husband to explain a new office voice-mail system.

3)"I sent back the RSVP for the wedding!"
Oh, not just any weddings. Family weddings don't count. Weddings of close friends don't count either. Any other wedding, however, will do. It’s a little known fact that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel between the salad and the entrée at his mother's best friend's daughter's wedding.

4) "So, you're an 80+ year-old die-hard Republican, huh?"
This one is almost too easy. Just bring up any liberal argument about any subject, with this simple opener..."You know what those people say?" That phrase lets a Republican know you're on his or her side. It's code for "You may speak freely on this subject." Buckle up before you do it though. That angry bronco bucks. If you want to add a decade to your life, try this one: "I have never seen such hatred in my lifetime like the hatred these people have for the President." Don't allow yourself to get distracted by the veins popping out of his neck or the throbbing temples of his "I hate their hate" hate. Listen to every word and nod. Then bring up illegal immigrants and welfare mothers living at the Ritz. If you really, really, want time to stop, bring up Bill Clinton. (But not without a paramedic standing by!)

5) "Let's get to your office Christmas party early this year, honey."
Again, time might go quickly initially because of the open bar, but it’s not going to last. After your third drink, your spouse will tell you to slow down before you do something embarrassing. Once the drinks stop flowing, and you have to actually engage in conversations without lubricated assistance, you'll be knocking on the door of the space-time continuum. After the third reference to "Ralph's stapler" and/or the third discussion of the weather with Ralph's wife, time will actually stop moving altogether. Many experts believe that Methuselah didn’t live all that long, he just sat through his wife's wacky holiday slide show a couple of times.

6) "Put little 3-year-old (Child A) on the phone, would you?"
That little three-year-old voice is so cute...for one second. Then, you're liable to get a play-by-play of the paint drying. "And um...my shirt is green...and um...squirrel!..." Don't set the phone down on your end either. That's cheating. You must simply endure. Every time you feel yourself about to say "Can you put mommy on the phone, honey," ask another question about the child's wardrobe or better yet, Dora the Explorer.

There you have it.

You probably never thought that reading this column would actually help you live longer.

On the other hand, if you’re a frequent reader of Half Empty, maybe that's why you're reading it in the first place.

CUBS YIN AND YANG
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



It's one thing to say that somebody hates the Cubs. It's another thing to get him to write down his thoughts during the game to expose hate for what it really is.

That's why (Cubs fan) Rick asked (White Sox fan) Dave to sit down with notebook in hand, and without couching his thoughts to make himself look better, write down what he was really thinking during the Cubs playoff games this year.


Dave's Notes: Game 1

*Before the first pitch we already see some frat boy Cub fan waving on a cell phone. “Hey, Thumb look at me I’m on TV”

*First pitch Soriano sees he grounds out to third. Nice leadoff discipline which will be on display for the next 7 years.

*Ex Sox factor, Chris Young. If he helps beat the Cubs, Kenny Williams pulled off another great trade.

*Right before the start of the second inning, TBS advertised their Spanish language broadcast feature. The graphic “SAP” was displayed right under an image of a group of yahoo Cub fans. Coincidence? Doubt it.

*Obligatory John Cusack reference came in the form of an ad for his new movie, 1408. Hmmm, 1908 sounds a lot like 1408, doesn’t it?

*Another ad showed a Japanese kid with a Cub hat playing ball in Tokyo. He and his buddies run away after breaking a window. You thought Sox fans were hooligans.

*Bottom 3, another Cub jersey wearing fan, waving with a cell phone behind the plate. Hey Boomer, I paid $2,000 to see a Cubs loss, look at me.

*Error by Diamondback 3rd baseman almost made me go to bed. I stayed up, hoping that Z would get beaned. Man on second, no outs, he does what every good player does, hits to the left side of the infield.

*Went to bed, cautiously optimistic. No Ambien needed.

*Next morning, ran, got the paper, and got weepy.

*Today was Cub colors day at (5-year-old) Lyla’s school. Students were invited to wear Cubby blue in lieu of their uniforms. I made a point of asking a couple of kids if the Cubs won last night. My feigned disappointment was in top form.

Rick Responds:

Does the hate come through for you? To me, the best example of Dave's Cub-hate is asking the kids at the school who won the game. Can you imagine getting a kick out of seeing a little kid's disappointment? That's real hate.

As for the rest of his comments, I can't argue with Dave about the cell-phone yahoo. Hey, dingleberry, you're making us all look bad. As for the game itself, I'm amazingly at ease about this loss. We weren't expected to win Game 1. It was a home game for Arizona, and they had the Cy Young winner pitching for them. We'll get 'em tomorrow.


Dave's Notes: Game 2

*Former White Sox player Chris Young breaks the Cubs hearts with a three run homer. Love you, Kenny Williams. Love you. Oh, and Ted Lilly, holding your breath until you turn (cubbie) blue will not bring back that fastball down the middle. Nice temper tantrum. My five year old has better control.

*Went to bed in the second inning, completely confident.

*Lyla didn't want to go to school today because it was another "Cubbie Blue" day, and I wouldn't let her wear "cubbie blue." My wife is pissed at me.

Rick responds: I don't think I even need to comment here, do I? As for the Cubs, it's OK, boys. We lost two there, but we're coming home to Wrigley, and this series is far from over. I'll be going to game 3.


Dave's Notes: Game 3

*Turn on game a few seconds late, is that misprint?

*Shot of sorority girl with Greek Letters on her chest, right in front of a guy with a “Billy Goat” shirt. You can’t write this stuff.

*Thought, “Do the Cubs actually own their championship bunting, or do they rent them from Reinsdorf?" OK, that might be a stretch.

*Crowd sounding like a White Sox game in mid April

*They’re not boooing they’re Alphonsooooooing

*Ford Commercial featuring shot from White Sox World Series. That’s got to hurt.

*They’re not boooing they’re Leeooooooooing.

*Top of 6 first shot of disappointed Cub fan with his little son. First of many. Sweet, sweet music.

*Stockton, possibly the worse announcer ever, says the crowd is stunned. It’s been 100 years. How stunned could they be?

*Kendall looks like Abraham Lincoln with his new beard. Four score and seven years ago we sucked then too.

*Ad with Soriano for “Under Armour”. He’s negotiating with a company called “Over Rated”.

*They’re not booing, they’re Ramirezooooooing

*Turn on radio for last innings to hear Santo’s heartbreak.

*They’re not booooing they’re Woooooooooding

*Fun stat, I have as many testicles as Ramirez and Soriano have hits combined.

*Flip to Fox and wait for (my good friend and die-hard Cubs fan) Fox 32 reporter Dane Placko. I can't wait to see him crestfallen.


Rick responds: One thing Dave left out of his notes was his taunting phone call to my cellphone (which I did not answer). Oh, and that picture at the beginning of this segment--that was waiting for me in my e-mail box the next morning.

I must admit, however, that I was one of those booing Cubs fans out there Saturday night.

It was in the sixth inning when the Cubs had the bases loaded, and Mark DeRosa was up to bat. I've been to Wrigley hundreds of times, but I've never heard the place so loud before. As fans, we were doing everything we could to help our guys get that one big hit. When DeRosa hit into a double play instead, I lost it. It was 44 years of pent up disappointment. I know it sounds pathetic. I know that anyone who isn't a Cubs fan thinks I'm a moron for rooting for this team that never wins.

It's not one of those decisions you can make with your head. My head has been telling me for years what an idiot I am. My head knows. It's my damn heart...it's just so, I don't know...it's weak. It has that soft spot for her. After every horrible disappointment like this, I round up my Cubs stuff, and drive over to her apartment to break up with her.

As I'm handing back her old programs, and ticket stubs, and merchandise, and really, let's face it, forty four years of memories, she'll give me that look. You know that look. Those puppy dog eyes. That "but if you don't love me, who will?" look. Then she'll flash me a little ivy, and lean in and give me a goodbye kiss. And I'll smell that stale Old Style, and I'll say, "OK, maybe just one more time. But if you disappoint me again, it's all over. I'm serious this time."

"Yes, Rick, I know. I'll try harder. I swear," she'll say. It will sound so convincing, too.

And then when I'm driving home, I'll inevitably get a call from Dave, and I'll be stunned anew--his hate is so venomous and so vitriolic--it's borderline racist. And I'll wonder, how can anyone hate someone so down on their luck; someone who is so pathetic? What kind of a person has no pity at all? Ninety nine years of misfortune isn't enough for Dave and people like him.

And I'll think about it. What choice do I have? Do I become one of them?

Not possible.

I couldn't afford the water bill. At least I don't have to take an extra shower every day, scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing the hate, wondering why it just won't come off. It's because it's under the skin, Dave. It deep in that dark black heart of yours.

Any closing thoughts?


Dave's closing thoughts

Cub fans should not lose sight of the positives:

*Cub fans threw back a remarkable 96.78% of the opponent's home runs this year. That's a great year. The few that weren't thrown back were probably caught by fans busy hurling racial insults at your outfielders.

*Cub management channeled a record number of tickets to their own ticket broker for secondary market sales. Money means championships, people!

*Mark Prior has made some real progress at...um...er....where ever he is.

*I can't remember a better crop of 7th inning stretch singers, ever! Remember that one CEO guy? How about a couple of those Chicago actors that came back. This is in addition to seeing John Cusack in the stands a couple of times.

*Milt Pappas still hasn't forgiven the ump that made the right call 30 years ago. You can't teach that kind of petty hate.

*White Sox World Series Champs 2005

*Oh and one more thing...

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, DEPRESSION, Part 2
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we conclude the toughest stage of all--Depression.

Words of Comfort

While mired in depression, comfort is an elusive lady indeed. Luckily for us, many of the greatest poets of all-time were our people. From William Shakespeare to Rudyard Kipling to E.E. Cummings to Ogden Nash to James Taylor, our people have been waxing poetic. While none of these greats ever used their enormous talent to write poems or meditations to calm others suffering “the loss,” they each had definite styles and approaches to poetry that have stood the test of time.

We would be remiss if we didn’t extend a special thank you to their descendants Chuck, Wayne, F.F., Splash, and Jamie, for writing the pieces in this chapter.* They obviously have the same gift as their famous bald descendants, and have written these poems “in the style of” those great men. We hope you carry these poems with you in your heart, and may they push you more quickly to the Promised Land: Stage 5.

*These poets may be using pseudonyms and might not actually be related to the great poets in any way, even distantly.

William Shakespeare 1564-1616

While William Shakespeare is obviously best known as the greatest playwright in history, he was also a distinguished poet. He wrote Sonnets.

Sonnets are 14-line poems written in iambic pentameter. The rules for writing sonnets are very specific and rigid, and therefore writing a memorable sonnet is quite an accomplishment; probably the reason why Shakespeare was also considered one of the greatest poets of his time. We now present for you, a Shakespearean (Chuck Shakespeare) Sonnet about “The Loss.” May it inspire you, the way it has inspired us.

**We ran the 37 rules for a Sonnet by Chuck and he decided to disregard at least 35 of them. Please concentrate on substance over style.

“The Loss”
By Chuck Shakespeare

Thou were there to greet me in the morn as I lay,
Lamenting thine misshapen curls,
Twas a “Bed Head,” I heard my valet say,
Another of his colloquial pearls,
Then one day thine “bed head” stayed on the bed,
Even as the rest of me arose,
I shuttered in horror and wished I was dead,
An easy target for razor tongued foes,
With a quill in my hand and no hair on my head,
I penned plays that will never be topped,
Five centuries later I’m still widely read,
The floor with my foes I have mopped,
I suffered no loss on that bed-headless day,
I hope my bald brothers I have shown you the way.

Rudyard Kipling 1865-1936

Famous bald Nobel Prize-winning writer Rudyard Kipling was probably best known for his story “The Jungle Book.” He also wrote such great works of fiction as “Kim” and “Captain Courageous.” While he was probably better known for his novels and short stories, he was also a greatly respected poet. One of his poems “Gunga Din” is still recited some eighty years after his death. (Perhaps you’ve seen the film inspired by the poem starring Peter Lorre as well.)

Kipling loved to write about the places he saw on his travels; places like Africa and India. He wrote of safaris and hunting and foreign cultures. His descendant Wayne* has a similar love for these themes (although he is Australian and has never actually traveled to the places Rudyard Kipling wrote about) and incorporates them into his work as well. We’re sure that the words to his famous poem “Gunga Skin” will help you as you toil in Stage 4 depression.

*Rudyard Kipling and Wayne share not only a last name and a bald head; they spoke with a British-sort-of-accent. That’s good enough for us to declare them related.

“Gunga Skin”
By Wayne Kipling

You always talk of your greasy hair,
It’s oily, it’s itchy, sticks out everywhere,
On Safari there is no shampoo
Under your hat it is sweaty,
So you’re never ready,
To shoot at the damn kangaroo
But my rifle is cocked,
Though my bald head is mocked,
This kangaroo hunt I do win,
Without a hair thatch,
My shooting’s unmatched,
And they call me… Gunga Skin.

E.E. Cummings 1894-1962

Famous bald poet E.E. Cummings was probably the second most popular American poet of the 20th century. He was known for his bold approach to poetry; shunning rules and conventions. He wasn’t bothered with rhymes or punctuation or syntax; a poetic rebel, an intellectual giant.

His ancestor F.F. Cummings has the same approach to poetry. Unlike his forefather, F.F. doesn’t cover a broad variety of subjects, but the one subject he attacks is the one subject that can help you the most as you struggle with Stage 4. F.F. is a champion of the bald man. Enjoy this work written especially for us.

“follicles”
by
f.f. cummings

follicles needy, my petulant child, gimme gimme gimme
Gimme nutrients, gimme soap, gimme nutrients, gimme soap, gimme life then gimme freedom
take your freedom, take it down the drain, tangle yourself there.
a plumber charges seventy five dollars an hour, liquid plumber is cheap
and I pour it on you, eating you up, sending you down in the sewer
now you tangle on rats as you swim to the sea and you tangle on dung and you reek
you have freedom, enjoy your new life, my new head doesn’t miss you, my petulant child
no more gimme no more gimme no more gimme. I breathe now.
and you rot in the sewer.

Ogden Nash 1902-1974

Famous bald poet Ogden Nash was a regular contributor the New Yorker, to Saturday Evening Post, and many literary publications of the 20th century. He wrote humorous and thought provoking poems for both adults and children. Often these poems were quite short and to the point. Among his more famous poems…
“Candy, is dandy, but liquor, is quicker.”

Nash died in 1974, but his tradition lives on with his relative* Splash. Splash Nash is a raconteur, a man about town, a gadfly. Strangers invite him to dine with them because of his witty repartee. And yes, like his relative Ogden, Splash is a bald man. We asked him to give us one of his latest poems.

*Splash wouldn’t provide us with any sort of documentation to prove he is related to Nash, but he shares a non-haircut and last name with the famous poet, and that’s good enough for us.

“Bald”
by Splash Nash

Bald,
I’ve been called,
But they can stare,
At my lack of hair,
Cause I’m a millionaire,
So I don’t care

James Taylor (still living)

Though famous bald man James Taylor is known more as a folk singer than a poet, it’s hard to dispute the beauty of his lyrics. His words reach deep into our hearts and tickle the ventricles of our love. Some of his earlier work (while still a fullhead) may not stand the test of time but his more recent work is pure genius.

His very close relative Jamie Taylor* is a chip of the old block. Jamie has a similar lyric writing style, and touches similar veins near our hearts. This little ditty is perfect for the Stage 4 sufferer and Taylor was gracious enough to allow us to reprint his lyrics.

*How close of a relative is he? “Jamie” is relatively close to “James” (only the last two letters are different) and it’s all relative anyway, wouldn’t you say?

“Bye and Auf Wiedersehen”
by Jamie Taylor

Just yesterday morning, I saw all of you were gone,
Now you are nothing more than a memory,
We’re done with our warring, so I wrote you this song,
My way of taunting you like you taunted me.
Bye hair, and Auf Wiedersehen,
Bye-bye clumps of you falling in my Quiche Lorraine,
Bye-bye swirling you until I get profane,
And I’m happy I won’t see you again.

Go to the white light

With the help of brothers like Chuck Shakespeare, Wayne Kipling, F.F. Cummings, Splash Nash, and Jamie Taylor, you’ll begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

That light represents the end of your suffering and the beginning of your new life as a secure bald man. Go to the light. Go to it. Get ready to breathe fresh air for the first time in twenty years.

You are ready to step foot in the Promised Land. Next month that's exactly where we'll go.