OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

By Dave Stern






If they had an America’s Funniest Catholic Home Videos show there is no doubt Rick would win the $10,000 grand prize.

Scene: The inside of a Wheaton church, at a typical Catholic wedding where an extremely young looking Rick and Bridget were professing their love for one another. The groomsmen were standing in front, waiting for the open bar, when the priest offered the host to the congregation. After a few seconds of nudging from the second groomsman, the first groomsman tentatively approached the father where he received the holy sacrament. The groomsman took the wafer, sheepishly turned around and stuck it in the front pocket of his rented tux.

You would think that they would have gone over this little ritual with the Jewish guy standing up, wouldn’t you? What are rehearsal dinners for? Alas, they didn’t, and for the remainder of the night I had to answer the question, “Hey Dave, is that the body of Christ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me” from about a million people I didn’t know.

I forgot about this little incident until the beginning of this year when my oldest daughter Lyla started preschool at the local Catholic school. Even though we are all God’s children, there are a few differences between us Jews and Catholics.

First off, they think they know corned beef but they really don’t. This is proven by the school’s September 5th lunch menu: Lean corned beef sandwich on white bread, served with choice of mustard, butter or mayo. I’m not sure what they served at the last supper, but I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t the daily special. He knew that corned beef is always served on rye, and the only thing His disciples would have needed to pass was the mustard.

Second, please do us few Jewish families at the school a favor; don’t teach the sign of the cross to preschoolers on the eve of Rosh Hashanah. If there was an America’s Funniest Jewish Home Video show, Lyla flopping the cross out in front of Grandpa and Grandma during services would no doubt win the grand prize. By the way, you ever notice that the sign for hit and run is very similar? Lyla pointed that out while we watched the Cubs in the playoffs. Maybe that’s why they haven’t won in 100 years.

Third, do yourselves a favor and don’t let us Jews play in your monthly raffles. Of the three raffles held, the STERN family has won two of them. Take that my Gentile friends.

Finally, please include a little instruction manual when you send out that gigantic box of offering envelopes to us Jews. I had to call Rick to find out what they were. Also, please don’t use permanent labels on the front. Those are real hard to peel off when my people reuse ‘em for business correspondence.

Other than these little differences, we’re all pretty much the same. In fact, the Catholics have actually improved a couple of our moves. I have to hand it to them, they sure know how to fund raise…..and fund raise…..and fund raise….and fund raise. Don’t even get me started on that guilt thing.

CHRISTMAS FORM LETTER GREATEST HITS, PART 1
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



Tis the season for Christmas form letters, and once again your friends at Half Empty have managed to secure some of the greatest Christmas form letters of all-time. Between now and Christmas we'll feature a few of our favorites.

This week's entry was sent out 99 years ago, just before Christmas 1908.

Dear Friends and Family,

1908 sure has been a big year for the Chance family. Frank and his boys in Chicago managed to win yet another World Series!

I know what you're thinking: Doesn't it get old, winning so much, so often? Frank says he can't get enough of it, but to be honest it has been a little hectic around the house. Maybe next year the boys can let someone else have a chance. (No pun intended…OK, pun intended)

I know a wife shouldn't complain, but have you ever been to the Catskills in October? It's really the best time of year to go, but because Frank has such a booked October schedule every year, we just don't get the chance (yup, another pun) to see it. I was talking to Mrs. Tinker and Mrs. Evers about it the other day and they feel the same way.

In the unlikely event that the Cubs ever don't make it to the World Series some year, maybe our families will go together. That is, if Joe and Johnny ever (yup, another pun) start talking to each other again. Leave it to those Irish boys to tinker (tee hee, OK, I'll stop now) with success.

Hope this Christmas season of 1908 finds you and yours in good health (except for you, Ty Cobb). Oh, and please don't talk about this letter with Heinie Zimmerman. He may be a fairly good backup infielder, but he's not on our list because he's Jewish. They don't celebrate Christmas, you know.

Here's to a healthy 1909, and for that matter, the rest of this "Century of the Cubs."

Love and Kisses,
Mary Chance

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--THE FINAL STAGE, ACCEPTANCE
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we present the second and final part of the final stage, Acceptance.

The Thirty Year Plan

“Bobby Knight told me this; he said there is nothing that a good defense that…uh… can not beat a better offense. In other words, a good offense wins.”
--Dan Quayle

The Fullhead former Vice President has it all right there in his jumbled attempt at explaining Bobby Knight. It’s not good enough to have a good defense; we have to go on the offense. Our years of deflecting criticism and jokes are over—that was just playing defense. You can’t win if you don’t score.

With that in mind we have spent the last few years designing the nuts and bolts of the bald revolution. This is a complicated thirty year plan to take over the world and/or solve all of the world’s problems. We may not have to do the former to do the latter, but it would so much more fun if we took over too.

But we can’t do it without the help of every single bald brother. The first step is reading this book and getting to Stage Five. If you know anyone out there still mired in one of the first four stages, please get this book for them to help. We need all hands on deck.

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 1

The first phase of the plan, winning the hearts and minds of the world, begins immediately. Bald has to be considered cool. This is a pop-culture battle first and foremost. We need to put a face on baldness. This someone has to be cool, hip, widely respected and beloved by people of all generations. We think the choice is obvious: Michael Jordan. The greatest athlete of the 20th century (according to ESPN) will be our official spokesperson.

The next thing we need is a slogan. We have tentatively selected the slogan “Bald is Bad,” (using the word “bad” in the Huggy Bear 70’s meaning of the word.) As in Bad-ass. Believe us—Michael Jordan can pull this off. He is Bad. Catch our drift.

Of course, we know that a slogan and a spokesperson is not enough to get across the message. We need experts to craft that message—media geniuses like famous bald producers (and co-founders of DreamWorks) Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen. They will put together a wildly creative series of television and print ads that will sell our message to the masses.

And then we will repeat this message over and over and over and over and over and over again. This will make the “Got Milk” slogan seem low-key. Great bald men will be fighting each other to make the next “Bald is Bad” commercial. Every bald man in America from Vice President Dick Cheney to Bill Murray to Charles Barkley to Alan Greenspan to Bruce Willis will want to be a part of this.

This carefully crafted message will become a part of the American lexicon. Then, we turn it loose on the rest of world using such foreign luminaries as Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo (soccer’s Michael Jordan—another bald man), Afghanistan President Karzai, and David Carradine as Kung Fu.

After about ten years of this, we will begin inching toward our goal: World domination.

All we need is the pro-bono work of the people we mention here (which should be no problem—this is for our people), free airtime on network television (do you hear us Balding CEO Michael Eisner?), and the help of our bald brothers around the world.

How can you help with Part 1?

“I took off that stupid Viking hat and wig and painted my head purple; an unforgettable billboard for both testosterone and the Minnesota Vikings. I’d like to see a Fullhead pull that off.”
--Joe K

Thank you, Joe. Every little bit helps. Help us spread the word. Say it loud. Say it proud. You don’t exactly have to invent a new fuel to do your part. (Although…now that we mention it, if somebody wants to get cracking on that too—it would really help the cause.)


“I moved my entire family to Bald Head Island in North Carolina.”
--Peter K.
“I moved my entire family to Bald Mountain in Idaho.”
--Andreas K.

If you are a bald man and secure enough to move to those places, that says quite a bit about our people. It says, we’re not afraid, and your mocking will do absolutely nothing to harm me ever again. You are saying “Look, I’m an easy target, and you can’t get me.”

Amen, Peter & Andreas.

“I planted bald cypress all over my backyard….because ‘Bald Cypress is Bad!”
--Dane P.

Excellent use of our message, Dane, and another good example of making yourself an easy target on purpose to flaunt your legendary lack of fear. You are saying “Mock me, go ahead, it means absolutely nothing to me. I’m a bald man planting bald cypress—got a problem with that?”

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 2

Ever since our people were killed in France during the French Revolution, we have been outnumbered. Even natural selection worked against us for awhile, not because we are inferior, but because the Fullheads feared us and mocked us into hiding. It has taken over two hundred years to clear the countless hurdles that Fullhead society has put in our way, but we’re beginning to make progress.

The second stage involves replenishing our people. We are smarter than they are. We are more virile than they are. With the combination of our smarts and virility, we can start repopulating the world with more of us. When natural selection is not impeded, we will naturally become dominant.

How can we help with Part 2?

Start spreading your seed, gentlemen. It won’t be difficult. Chicks instinctively know what a bald man can do. Do it.

We don’t need to draw you a picture here do we?

Our Thirty Year Plan: Part 3

Now it’s time to fix the world. During our window of opportunity we have to make the most of our abilities. Since we don’t want to waste efforts doing things like creating the greatest Italian Beef sandwich, we’re going to lay out our priorities as a people and help direct the efforts in attaining them. Our priorities are….

• Curing the common cold
• Curing cancer
• Achieving peace in the Middle East
• A Chicago Cubs World Series victory
• Creating a world where Democrats and Republicans can live in harmony
• Building Mount Brush-no-more
• Educating the public about the difference between spring rolls and egg rolls
• Eradicating Ziggy

How can we help during Part 3?

If you are a scientist, researcher or doctor, drop whatever else you are doing to work on curing the cold or cancer. Let’s put our bald brain power to work and crack those nuts. (We will accept scientists working to fix the holes in the ozone layer too—but after you do that, get back to cancer, capice?)

If you are a Jew or an Arab or a Palestinian or an Iranian—get cracking on the Middle East peace thing, would you? It’s about time our people took over in that part of the world, don’t you think? How many thousands of years do the Fullheads need to prove they can’t do it?

If you are a bald baseball player and you’re playing for a team other than the Chicago Cubs, shame on you. Get your weasel agent to force a trade.

If you are in politics, put all of the time and effort you currently use despising the other political party to despise the Fullheads instead. Get rid of them, and our problems will be over. Do a couple of those nasty attack ads—it’s not hard. Ask Karl Rove. He’s one of us. Democratic strategist James Carville can be nasty too. He’s another bald man. These natural allies should not be enemies. It’s counterproductive.

If you are a sculptor living in the Dakotas, start organizing the Mt. Brush-no-more project. Feel free to choose any great bald men as the subjects, but try to stick to people that are truly great. We don’t want a mountain carving of say, Don Rickles, when there are so many other great men to choose from.

If you work in a Chinese restaurant please inform the uninitiated the difference between spring rolls and egg rolls when they order. If they do it a second time, don’t serve them. If you are a customer at a restaurant and you order spring rolls, but they give you egg rolls, cause a scene. It’s completely justified.

If you are Ziggy cartoonist Tom Wilson, please stop. Just stop.

What can the rest of us do?

Of course, there is one more thing that every bald man can do that would help the cause. Just be the real you. The best and brightest of our people will take care of the nuts and bolts of the 30-year-plan—but it has no chance of success if you don’t show everyone your bald pride.

Together we’ll find our way.

Take that road right over there. It leads right to the top. The bald top.

And Bald is Bad!