MIDDLE AGED VANITY PLATES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



"Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685?"
-Marge (In Fargo)



When you drive about a million miles a week hauling your kids to swimming, soccer, day care, school, ballet, play dates, karate and more like we do, you end up seeing quite a few vanity plates.

We’ve noticed one disturbing trend, however. Not nearly enough of "our kind" (middle aged people) are indulging in the vanity plates fad. It may be because of a lack of vanity, or it may be because we're too busy to come up with creative plates appropriate for our age bracket.

With that in mind, we've done the heavy lifting for you. Feel free to steal any of the following...


If you suffer from an NLG-PRS8 you probably will URN8-3XPM. So you should probably PB4U-ZZZ. If you’re still PSNG-OF10 you should CA-PDR. In either case you will probably get a PROS8-XAM which WL-SUK.

If people call you 4-IZ you’ll probably 12-CBTR. So go to an optometrist where he might say you have BAD-IBALZ. He might prescribe BI-4COLS for you. Please be aware that any of these plates might get you stopped by the police.

It’s more than likely that you have -CSH-FLW and O-LOTS if you have 3XX-3XYS. Let’s face it 6KDS-ENUF. Thankfully, you have NO-NRG, NO-6-DRYV and NO-6UL-RGS to make any more. Hang in there, because when the KIDZRGONE you can once again NJOY-LF and T IT UP.

You’ll say TIH2 HO (mirror image) when you get DWNSZD and LOSE401K after 30YR-WK4MAN. Sure it was a 5HITJOB but it beats being NDR-MPLYD.

For those of you who take vanity to extremes and want to advertise it, tell everyone about your PNS-NPLT, or getting your TNADONE. Sy Sperling and his friends might prefer pointing our their 2PAY.

For those of you who are already at the grouchy curmudgeon stage, and want to spare any subtleties, SCRAM, UP-URS, URN-ZWAY and FUH QUE work nicely.

And finally, if you’re a Cub fan try W8-2NXYR.

We hope we were able to provide you with a few ideas. As always, no charge. Your vanity is our reward.

MOVIE RENTAL TIPS FOR WIVES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Whenever the Oscars come around we are reminded of two things.

1) No one has the right to wear shoes worth more than the combined worth of our two homes.
2) Our only hope of seeing a movie we actually want to see is by uttering the following phrase: "I'll go to Blockbuster, thanks."

Our wives often volunteer to run this errand for us, but history shows that they are completely unable to choose a film worth watching. Most DVD boxes have gigantic flashing red lights saying "DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE!", but our wives don't see those lights.

We figured that our wives may not be the only wives that don't see the lights, so we've volunteered to spell it out more clearly on behalf of husbands everywhere. No need to thank us. This is another free service of Half Empty.

Ladies--when you see the following types of movies, keep walking...

Disease Movies -
A movie about cancer? DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. Do you really consider this appropriate Saturday evening relaxation? In fact, any and all life threatening illnesses are not acceptable. Consider this one of the golden rules of movie renting. The only exception to this rule is if the film is based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers. Now that’s a disease movie.

“Period” Pieces –
1) If the words “Victorian England” are found anywhere on the box, step away from the movie immediately. If for some reason you didn’t bring your glasses or you're having trouble reading the fine print, if the cover has a woman wearing a foofy dress or carrying a parasol: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE.
2) If the movie stars Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Dench or Ralph (prounced “Raif”, what a blowhard) Fiennes: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. By the way, Meryl Streep is this/close to getting put on the list.

Triumph of the Human Spirit Movies –
He has no arms and legs and becomes a great painter. Very impressive, but...DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. We’re really not interested, thanks for asking. Don’t get us wrong, we think it’s inspiring when the guy with no arms and legs becomes a great painter. It's just that we have fully-functioning limbs and can't spread cream cheese on a bagel without cutting ourselves--and we really don't need the limbless painter rubbing that in our faces.


Foreign Films –
Wow, you really don’t know your husbands at all, do you? If we wanted to read a book we wouldn’t have rented a movie. The only acceptable movie with subtitles is Airplane. The only acceptable movies with accents must contain the words, “Monty Python’s” in the title. However, if the movie contains a sticker with the words: "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17," we will probably relax the no foreign film rule.


Black and White Films –
Three Stooges, OK. Everything else, not so much.

Breakfast at Tiffany's –
DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE! We know, we know, Holly Golightly is the craziest heroine ever. She also never shuts up, and she never makes any sense. If she was one of your friends, we would beg you never to invite her to our home.

Movies about dancing–
Have you noticed that we’ve never taken you dancing and that we flop-sweat at weddings? Here’s a little secret, WE HATE DANCING. We don't like doing it, and we really don't like watching it. That means we hate musicals, too. The only exception is a musical about Hitler written by Mel Brooks.

See how simple this is?

Please keep these simple rules in mind next time you choose a movie, and you won't have to put up with us snoring through another one of your picks.

Unless, of course, that was your intention in the first place.

Responses to "Renewing of Marriage Vows"


"Ha ha ha, pretty funny! My husband and I are celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Las Vegas in May! Can't wait. Considering a Elvis vow renewal ceremony so this would fit right in. Thanks for the post and the laugh!"
--A

"My wife and I loved your marriage renewal column. Totally the anti-Valentine's Day with love, if that's possible."
--R

"You dudes are cynical. Love it."
--O

"We're really gonna use these. Our anniversary is in three weeks and we're going to Hawaii--and I convinced my husband to do it--but only if we use sarcastic vows like this. Thanks!"
--S

"thats totally my parents. oh lord they have been married 20+ years. its only
gonna get worse. hahahaha i cant wait!"
--T

"love the pushing the crumbs under the fridge bit"
--C

"i laughed out loud! zomg!!"
--B

Rick and Dave respond: Thanks. Um...can we have a translator help us on that last one?

RENEWING YOUR WEDDING VOWS

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern



Here’s a question for you lovebirds who have been married for a long time: Have you renewed your vows yet?

If you haven’t, you might be a little surprised at the refreshing honesty expressed during the renewal vows these days. They use an entirely different script than they used for the original vows.

Your good friends at Half Empty have managed to acquire a copy. We’re printing the script here so that you can mentally prepare yourself for the big day.

RENEWAL OF MARRIAGE VOWS FOR COUPLES MARRIED MORE THAN TEN YEARS

Clergy: Do you (insert husband’s name), promise to… step over the laundry basket instead of carrying it up the stairs, wipe up spills with your socks, use the imaginary brakes when she drives, never replace a toilet paper roll, push crumbs under the fridge rather than pick them up, pretend to listen with an uncanny ability to nod at the appropriate times, remember nothing—ever, never find anything even if it’s in front of your face, buy less than 70% of the items on your grocery list, mix all colors and wash everything in warm, pretend like you’re asleep when she wants to talk, think that twelve hours of television a day is an appropriate amount for a four year old, and expend the minimum amount of effort on everything you do every single day….as long as you both shall live?

Husband: I do.

Clergy: And do you (insert wife’s name), promise to…leave an unsaid ‘dumbass’ at the end of every sentence with the tone of your voice, have a strong opinion on literally every subject, roll your eyes within two seconds of him opening his mouth, break every traffic law when you drive—even for short distances, pick the absolutely worst movie every time you go to Blockbuster, think that ballroom dance and yoga classes would be a fun couple’s activity, make snide comments about his appearance, yearn for more culture in your life, restack the dishwasher every single time he does it, expect him to tolerate your bad moods while cutting him no slack ever for his bad moods, and point out that he is doing everything the ‘wrong’ way every single day…as long as you both shall live?

Wife: I do.

Clergy: Wow. Well, then, I guess you really are man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Husband & Wife: Is that really necessary?

Clergy: OK, you may now go to your separate televisions.

Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.

Cue the music: “Trading Spaces” and “Monday Night Football” (at the same time)

A show of hands: Who has a tear in his or her eye right now?

What can we say? We do too.

I guess we’re all just hopeless romantics.






Do Rick and Dave have even more love to share today?

Why yes we do.


Look, we don't like to brag, but we know a thing or two about love.

On this Valentine's Day, we're not just going to give you one measly column to help your love life. No sir. Today, we'll give you 4 more.

True love--4 ever.

Are you a wife looking for harmony in your relationship? This column is for you: 10 Questions you should never ask your husband

Are you a boyfriend or husband, desperately trying to understand your woman? This column is for you: Quiz: How well do you understand your woman?

Are you a woman who really wants to attract a man? Boy, have you come to the right place. This column is for you: 9 Ways to Attract a Man

Are you a husband who wants to be able to make your wife laugh again? We've been there, buddy. This column is for you: 10 things a husband can say to make his wife laugh

Are you a husband or wife who doesn't want to overpay for a nice romantic dinner at a restaurant tonight? Sorry. We're love counselors, not miracle workers.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 2)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as Bald “Cures.”



Tools of the trade

“There’s a sucker born every minute”
--P.T. Barnum

Grasping at straws and the few hairs that are left, balding men have succumbed, and purchased the following foolish gimmicks...


Hot Head (US Patent 6,024,100 / Issued 2000)
Heading our list is something called The Hot Head. Basically, this apparatus allows you to steam clean your head. Just put on the helmet, click on the steam generator and open the valve. Next, hair restorer is sprayed on your bald head and highly compressed air forces it into your scalp. The Fullhead who invented this must have gotten the idea from the vacuum pump he was using to make something else grow.

Good Looking Hair (GLH)
GLH is billed as the “latest breakthrough” in hair loss treatments. Administered through a spray can, GLH contains thousands of “almost life-like” fibers that will adhere to the scalp and existing follicles of hair. The victim simply sprays GLH on areas devoid of hair. The GLH website touts; “It's like instant hair in a can.” A more appropriate label is “instant abstinence” in a can.

Salad Dressing
In the mid sixties, a mixture of vinegar and oil was often used as a topical solution for hair loss. Proponents of this remedy felt that the mixture would promote hair growth for men who had especially lousy papilla. An entire Dick Van Dyke Show episode revolved around this. Of course, let’s not forget, that was a comedy.

Low Level Laser Technology (LLLT)
This is one the latest hair growth techniques. With this procedure low level laser beams are shot into the bald scalp. Lasercomb, a leading product in LLLT states, “This technique uses the energy of laser light to nourish and revitalize your hair. Light is energy and living cells ‘like’ light. Your hair is no different.”
Dude, put down the bong. It seems like the makers of Lasercomb may have been to one too many Grateful Dead shows.

Dead Sea Mud
There is a growing consensus among researchers that using products made from Dead Sea mud is useful in preventing hair loss. Most experts feel that the nutrients this mud possesses is the origin of its restorative powers. While we don’t have any empirical evidence to dispute such a claim, we’ll just point to one glaring observation: You ever notice all the bald Jews?

Rogaine
Let’s just say for a significant percentage of users it should be renamed Nogaine. Look, one of the main ingredients of Rogaine is alcohol. Think about some of the dumbest things you’ve done in your life. How many of those involved alcohol? That’s what we thought. So tell us again why you’ve decided that rubbing alcohol directly into your head will work out for you?

Propecia
This prescription drug has been around since the late nineties. The good news is that for a significant portion of users Propecia does promote hair growth. The bad news is that there could be some sexual side effects like difficulty achieving an erection. That’s normally of little concern to our people. Do you really want to take away your only advantage—your virility?

Hair thickening shampoo
You’ve seen the commercials. A guy who appears like he’s losing his hair holds a basketball and says “This is what your head will look like soon.” Then he pitches a shampoo that thickens the hair. When they show the close-up of his hair, you marvel at its thickness. How many of you were actually in the car on the way to the store before the commercial was even over?

Your hair is not gravy. You can’t add some corn starch to thicken it. It is falling out because of your genes. Unless the shampoo alters your genetics, it’s not going to work. Remember that some Fullhead is getting rich taking advantage of you.

Emu Oil (U.S. Patent 5,958,384/Issued 1999)
Some Fullhead named Holick patented the use of emu oil to stimulate hair growth. The abstract for his patent states, “The present invention is directed to the discovery that topical or parenteral administration of emu oil to a mammal stimulates the proliferation of skin. Emu oil can be used to treat skin wrinkles and rejuvenate aged and photo-damaged skin. It has also been discovered that emu oil can be topically applied to stimulate melanogenesis in the skin and to stimulate hair growth.”

No offense, Mr. Holick, but it doesn’t even work on Emus. Emus are bald…and proud of it. It’s those darn ostriches that are so ashamed of their baldness they bury their heads in the sand.

Hair cloning
Dr. Walter Unger, a man who has performed almost 30,000 hair transplant surgeries holds a patent on a procedure that clones hair. He and his researchers take hairs from the back of a balding man’s head, and multiply them in a lab. Unfortunately, it only worked on four of the twenty three test subjects, and of those four, only one got something that could be described as a “tuft” of hair. Dr. Unger doesn’t think it will ever work. He has abandoned his research, although others are still trying it.

If those odds of success sound good to you, then feel free to shell out anywhere between $8000-$12,000. That’s what it costs.


What should a man who uses these products do?

Stop. Just stop now.

If you really think they work, however, we have one more technique for you to consider.

The simplest cure for baldness is still transforming into a werewolf. Just do one of the following: get bitten by a werewolf, wear the enchanted skin of a dead wolf or werewolf, drink water from a wolf's footprint, eat a wolf's brain, or have sex with a werewolf and survive.

Geez, do we have to tell you everything?

Next month we’ll take a look at the most horrible cases of bald denial: Hair plugs and Toupees.

Warning: It’s not going to be pretty.

Thanks to readers "E" & "T" for contributing the following. We don't know the original sources of either the picture or this piece. If you do, let us know so we can properly attribute.






In honor of the Chicago Bears going to Super Bowl XLI. Here are 41
things that have changed from the last time the Chicago Bears played
in the Super Bowl (which was Super Bowl XX in 1986):

1) Brian Urlacher was in 2nd grade. Rex Grossman was in kindergarten.

2) Peyton Manning was 10 years old. Eli Manning was 5 years old.
Their dad, Archie, had just retired from the NFL two years earlier.

3) Lovie Smith was in his first college coaching job at University of
Tulsa .

4) Ronald Reagan was the President, and Harold Washington was the
Mayor. James R. Thompson was the Governor running for re-election and
his office was in the new State of Illinois Center, which is now
called the James R. Thompson Center .

5) George W. Bush was 39 years old and still drinking. His father
would run for President two years later.

6) Rod Blagojevich was just out of law school and was a low-level
prosecutor working for the Cook County State 's Attorney, Richard M.
Daley.

7) Barack Obama had just moved to Illinois , and Osama bin Laden was
fighting the Soviets in Afghanistan .

8) Red Grange and Sid Luckman were still alive.

9) The Colts had just moved to Indianapolis from Baltimore and were
the doormat of the AFC EAST. The Bears were the champions of the NFC
CENTRAL.

10) Property in Wicker Park and Bucktown was cheap because they were
really bad neighborhoods.

11) CD players, cellular phones and fax machines were expensive,
cutting edge technology and only a few people used them.

12) "Surfing the net" meant a volleyball game at the beach, and
virtually no one used the "@" key on their TYPEWRITER.

13) Sam Walton was still alive and was wealthier than Bill Gates.
Windows were panes of glass...not a computer operating system that was
a pain in something that rhymes with glass.

14) The Soviet Union was our main enemy, and Saddam Hussein was our
ally.

15) There were no lights at Wrigley Field, and the oldest park in
baseball belonged to the White Sox.

16) Michael Jordan and Ozzie Guillen had just finished their "Rookie
of the Year" seasons. Jordan 's coach was Stan Albeck and Guillen's
manager was Tony LaRussa. (Three out of four of those guys are now
wearing championship rings, but what ever happened to Stan Albeck???)

17) Soldier Field had Astroturf. The Houston Oilers played in the
Astrodome.

18) The Fox TV Network didn't exist, and ESPN had yet to air a
single live pro football, baseball, or basketball game.

19) MTV played music and so did some AM radio stations.

20) Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff weren't born yet; Jackie Gleason
and Richard Nixon were still alive.

21) Hillary Clinton had dark hair and was the First Lady......of
Arkansas !

22) "The Love Boat" and "Diff'rent Strokes" were still on network TV
every week.

23) Martin Luther King Day was about to be celebrated as a National
Holiday for the first time. "9-11" was a phone number many cities were
just adopting for emergency calls - not a date of terror.

24) I-88 was called "Illinois Rt. 5" and I-355 hadn't been built yet.

25) What the CTA now calls "The Blue Line" had just been extended to
O'Hare, and the Orange Line to Midway hadn't been built yet.

26) Q101 played adult contemporary music and most teenagers listened
to WLS. Music from the 70s and 80s wasn't "retro" yet.

27) Tiger Woods hadn't won an amateur golf tournament yet.

28) Most people knew Seattle just as a city in the Northwest U.S. -
not the home of grunge or Starbucks.

29) Only Southerners went to NASCAR races and only Northerners went
to NHL games.

30) The Chicago area had no Wal-Marts, Targets or Home Depots, and
Walgreen's was only in the Midwest .

31) Depending on your bank, your ATM card was good at only "Cash
Station" machines or only at "Money Network" machines, but there were
no fees.

32) "The Phone Company" was Illinois Bell.

33) They still sold leaded gasoline and you couldn't pay for your gas
at the pump.

34) Discover Card hadn't been discovered yet, and Miller Genuine
Draft hadn't been brewed yet.

35) Stereo TVs were the rage that HDTVs are now. 8-track tapes were
still being made.

36) All of the Blockbuster Video stores that are now closing hadn't
opened yet. Betamax was still competing with VHS.

37) You paid cash for your groceries and fast food, and you used a
travel agent to book airline flights.

38) Bowl games didn't have corporate sponsors, and if the #1 ranked
team was in a conference that played in one bowl game and the #2
ranked team was in a conference that played in another bowl game, then
so be it! They let the sportswriters vote on the national champion.
(and no college football games were played after New Year's Day)

39) The Baltimore Ravens were the Cleveland Browns. The Tennessee
Titans were the Houston Oilers. The Oakland Raiders were the Los Angeles Raiders that had just left Oakland . The Arizona Cardinals (the former Phoenix Cardinals, were the St. Louis Cardinals (Chicago Cardinals long ago), and the St. Louis Rams were the Los Angeles Rams. The Jacksonville Jaguars, Carolina Panthers, Houston Texans, and the Cleveland Browns (not to be confused with the Cleveland Browns that are now the Baltimore Ravens)
didn't exist. The Seattle Seahawks (last year's NFC Champions) played in the AFC.

40) Number 9 on the Bears was their Punky QB...not their perky field
goal kicker.

41) There were no iPods - just Sony Walkmen - so if you said
something about a "shuffle" on your Walkman, they assumed you were
listening to "The Super Bowl Shuffle"


and one thing that will be the same from the Chicago Bears last Super
Bowl appearance..... THEY WILL WIN!!!! GO BEARS!!!!!!

Responses to Middle Aged Band Names

"What about aging rappers? Tupac (if he were still alive) would become '2 bucks for a cup of coffee?' and Ton Loc would become 'Tone Deaf' and JayZ would become 'Jay Zzzzzzzz.' I don't know about Snoop Dog. Somebody needs to change his diz-iaper."
--R

"Smashing Pumpkins – You Kids are gonna clean up this mess
Split Enz – Depends
Cars – Revoked License
Db’s – Turn it down
Byrds – Early Bird Special"
--B


"Chuck Berry has a duck-walker."
--T

"Little Richard might want to go with big fat old Richard. It's not as glitzy, but it's much more accurate."
--K

"Stray Cats are the Fat Cats. The Fixx is "Don't call the plumber, I can do it myself."
--M

"Genesis - Revelation surely...? Biblically speaking. The entire concept is, alas, flawed because a Prince does not become a King simply due to the passage of
time..."
--G

Rick & Dave respond: Yes, that's true. It's almost as if we had a concept, and then tried to make it more Super Bowl friendly to increase hits. Hmmm.