MIDWEST LAWS QUIZ

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



How well do you know the laws in the midwest? Take our handy "Midwest Laws" quiz. Those of you that don't live in Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, or Wisconsin can be forgiven for not performing well on this quiz...the rest of you have no excuse.

Let's begin.

1. Animals
Which of the following Animal Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not make faces at dogs
B) You may not catch a fish with your bare hands
C) You may not make a monkey smoke a cigarette
D) You may not “worry” a squirrel
E) You may not make balloon animals that are “anatomically correct”

2. “Adult Relations”
Which of the following “Adult Relations” Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not have “adult relations” while hunting or fishing on your wedding day
B) You may not seduce or corrupt (“have adult relations with”) an unmarried girl
C) You may be arrested for “statutory relations” if your automobile passenger is under 17 and is not wearing socks or shoes
D) You may not fire a gun in the air because your woman has reached the pinnacle of “adult relations”
E) You may not have “adult relations” during halftime of a football game unless one team leads by more than seventeen points.

3. Sunday
Which of the following Sunday Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not hum on public streets on Sunday
B) You may not collect rags on Sunday
C) You may not scowl at your wife on Sunday
D) You may not clean out your garage on Sunday

4. Hair
Which of the following Hair Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) Barbers may not threaten to cut off a kid’s ears
B) A woman may not cut her hair without her husband’s permission
C) It is illegal to cut a woman’s hair
D) A man with a mustache may not kiss a woman
E) A man with a mullet may not kiss a woman

5. Wildcard (defying category)
Which of the following Wildcard Laws is NOT an actual law somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan?
A) You may not jostle others.
B) You may not throw an abandoned hoopskirt into the street
C) You may not attend a movie within four hours of eating garlic
D) You may not serve butter substitutes in prison
E) You may not show your wedding photos to a group of men

Answers: E, E, D, E, E. (These are not actual laws, but we highly recommend implementing them.)

The rest of the laws in our quiz are (or were) real laws somewhere in Illinois, Indiana, Wisconsin or Michigan.

Here's a little bit more about these actual laws. We're not kidding. Really.

Animals

This is by far the most stocked category of our region’s Best Laws. The first four laws we mentioned in the quiz are (or were) actual laws. In Normal, Illinois (ironically) it is against the law to make faces at a dog. In Indiana it is against the law to catch a fish with your bare hands. In La Crosse, Wisconsin it is illegal to worry a squirrel (“Hey Squirrel! Social Security will go bankrupt in 2042!). In South Bend Indiana, you may not make a monkey smoke a cigarette. In fact, it happened once in 1924, resulting in a $25 fine.

Adult Relations

We're betting that a lot of you guessed (A) for my adult relations quiz; the law about having adult relations while fishing or hunting on your wedding day. It just sounds like a fake law, but don’t tell that to the people of Oblong, Illinois. The law about seducing or corrupting an unmarried girl is a Michigan law enacted in 1931. The law about shooting off your gun (and they mean an actual gun here despite the context) after your woman experiences the “ultimate” in adult relations comes from the sleepy little town of Connorsville, Wisconsin. And that wonderful law about having a passenger in your car less than seventeen years of age with no socks and shoes on, that’s courtesy of the fine state of Indiana.


Sunday

We just love the law about humming on public streets on Sunday. This is against the law in Cicero, Illinois, former home-base of Al Capone. “Welcome to our fine town, Mr. Capone, but you there humming those church hymns after services, we’re taking you down to the slammer.” The law about collecting rags on Sunday has been added to the collection from Indianapolis, Indiana. And just so no one feels we’re slighting Michigan, the law against scowling at your wife on Sunday is from Detroit. They probably stopped enforcing it after hearing, “But officer, that wasn’t a scowl, it was a frown,” one too many times.

Only Wisconsin doesn’t have an odd Sunday law on the books. But then again, the Packers play on Sunday. Watching the Packers isn’t a law; it’s a commandment.

Hair

We would just like to say to the fine people of Elkhart, Indiana that it is about time somebody started cracking down on those barbers threatening children. Now if we could only get a law on the books banning parents from saying your eyes will stay that way if you cross them. That’s a freebie for a local legislature in one of our fine states.

The law about a woman cutting her hair without her husband’s permission is one of those laws (from Michigan by the way) that paints an immediate visual portrait, doesn’t it? Can’t you just picture that poor husband who came home one day expecting Peggy Lipton but got Judy Carne instead? These things need to be gradual. The more general law against cutting a woman’s hair comes from Wisconsin. No wonder Wisconsin’s own Tyne Daly didn’t become famous until leaving the state and cutting her hair.

As for the Eureka, Illinois law about mustachioed men being banned from kissing women; you may scoff at it, but there hasn’t been a Tony Orlando sighting in that town since the law was put on the books. And a similar law exists in Indiana, although the wording is slightly different. In Indiana mustaches are only illegal if the wearer has a tendency to habitually kiss women. And let’s face it; every state should have a law that pertains only to Burt Reynolds.


Wildcard

Each of the first four wildcard laws from the quiz is real and we should note their origin. In Galesburg, Illinois (probably the wackiest community in America), it is against the law to jostle others. In Grand Haven Michigan we’d like to think they’ve finally gotten that mad “hoop skirt discarding” problem under control by now. If not, it’s a $5 fine. In Gary Indiana, they really didn’t allow persons in a movie house (or a public streetcar for that matter) within four hours of eating garlic. And in Wisconsin they take the Dairy State title seriously enough to ban butter substitutes in prisons. Imagine the added cruelty of a prison sentence without margarine. It’s almost unthinkable.


A lesson learned

After doing the research on these laws it became painfully obvious to us that they all had one thing in common; they were probably instituted because of one specific incident. Therein lies the lesson for local and state legislatures. Think long term before you actually commit something like this to the books.

Here’s a rule of thumb: If somebody laughs when you say the new law, it’s probably not a good law.

SOMEONE WATCHING OVER YOU

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Not to be a bummer, but both of us are members of the dead parents club. Dave lost his father when he was only 13, and Rick lost his father when he was 25.

In other words, it’s been awhile.

When you lose a close family member, it’s really comforting to feel like they are watching over you, helping you through the tough times, and picking you up when you fall down.

On the other hand, do we really want them watching over us all the time?

Think about it. For every one moment you feel them helping you, how many moments do you want them to look away? For us the ratio is about 1:50. So what can you do when you don't want them to watch? Is there any way to distract someone in heaven? Try it.

“Hey Dad! Look behind you there! Is that John Wayne?”

That didn't work, did it? Maybe it's not such a great idea to have them watching over us all the time.

A fellow dead parents club friend of ours has a slightly different theory. He believes that his deceased mother looks over him, but only when he summons her.

But that’s not really a solution either.

What if you just happen to think about your deceased father when you’re buying a five dollar cup of coffee or a Japanese car? Can you feel his disapproving glare?

What if something reminds you of your mother when you eat your dessert before dinner, or sleep until noon, or wear a baseball hat in a restaurant?

Go ahead and try to distract her (“Hey Mom! Look behind you there! Is that Clark Gable?”), but we know it won't work, don't we?

If she can see, she can see. There’s no escape. You can’t hide in the bathroom. She can see through walls. Go ahead and close the door behind you. She can see through doors. She's stronger than Superman. There’s no kryptonite in heaven.

Your dead parent can see when you let your kids watch five hours of television.

She can see when you don’t hold the door for the old lady.

He can see when you pay somebody to shovel your sidewalk, or mow your lawn, or clean your house, when you're perfectly capable of doing that yourself.

Plus here’s another problem with the summoning theory. If your dead parent can hear when you summon them in your thoughts, that means they can get inside your mind.

Once they get inside, they’ll know everything. They’ll know about all the times you were “studying” with your girlfriend or boyfriend. They’ll know about all the times you looked them right in the eye and lied. Think about that. There’s not a single thought you can hide from them. They’ll even know the things you don’t dare say out loud. Those thoughts that you suppress deep in the recesses of your mind are still in there, and mom and/or dad could be listening to them right now.

In fact, if you believe in the summoning theory, since you’re summoning all of those terrible things you’ve said, done, or thought right now-- at exactly the same time you’re thinking about your dead parent--you’ve just put it all in a nice tidy summoning package. They won't even need to go searching for your disgusting inner-thoughts.

Way to go, sicko.

Do you feel her watching over you now? Yup. That answers the question, doesn’t it?

Sweet dreams.

Wait a second…she can probably see and hear your dreams too. Even THAT one.

Buckle up, bucko. When your deceased parent sees you again, you’re going to be grounded forever. And when they say forever this time, they really mean forever.

If that’s not an incentive to live a more healthy lifestyle, we don’t know what is.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS--DENIAL (Part 3)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)


By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re focusing on Stage 1 Denial, and the specific scourge known as: Plugs and Pieces


Plugs: Fun with Self Mutilation

“They made it sound so easy. How was I supposed to know that drilling 10,000 little holes in my head would be dangerous?”
---Nicholas C.

“I did it so I could swim better.”
--- Jack S.

Check any phone book and you’ll see dozens of hair transplant clinics where our people are ruthlessly exploited.

Hair transplant procedures have changed throughout the years. Nevertheless, the basics have remained the same; ripping hairs out of the only part of your scalp that isn’t bald yet, and ramming those hairs into lots and lots of little holes that have been drilled into your bald scalp.

Sounds like a great time doesn’t it? Yet, millions of our brothers have gone to these torture chambers like dazed robotic lemmings.

The Real Pain

Unfortunately, the real pain and agony of a hair transplant usually occurs right after the procedure is completed. We’re not even talking about the four, sometimes five figure check that you have to hand over to the quack. It’s the beginning of the rest of your life.

OK, let’s say you have a transplant on the Saturday before Memorial Day. You’re thinking that the extra day off will help with your recuperation. You wake up Tuesday morning with a renewed sense of self worth. You eagerly get into your car and drive to work. In fact, you might even drive with the top down. What the heck? It’s fun to feel the wind through you “hair.” You arrive at work and whistle a happy tune as you walk to your desk.

Then what do you think will happen?

Think no one will notice?

Think someone will say, “Hey Bill, you look great. New sweater?”

No. What happens is that the first coworker who sees you will immediately call another coworker and that coworker will email another and pretty soon you’ll have the whole department staring at your head, asking if you have any extra staples.

Now that sounds like a great time, doesn’t it?

Pieces: Fun with Humiliation

“Nobody has the slightest idea because I have all different kinds of hairpieces. People just think I’m getting a haircut or changing my hairstyle.”
--William S.

“No one suspects a thing because it’s just a thin hairpiece. It looks like I’m losing hair—not like it’s been gone for thirty years.”
--Sam D.

There are two types of people in the world who can’t spot a hairpiece: blind people and dead people. Everyone else sees it right away. Not just within a few minutes, but immediately. If you think that everyone is looking at your head because they are admiring your great new hairstyle, you may be in the deepest throngs of denial.

You have a beaver on your head. People don’t miss that sort of thing.

Don’t be taken in by those tempting commercials. If you saw that swimming guy in real life instead of the two dimensional television view you’d say “Hey buddy—you have a wet beaver on your head. Better drop that hot chick pretending she doesn’t notice and run for your life!”

We’re sorry to be so blunt here, but you need to snap out of this. You are in deep denial. You are in so deep that the creatures at the bottom of the sea are now asking each other what that guy with the beaver on his head is doing swimming in the abyss.

Career Reasons

Sometimes media stars feel they need to go this hairpiece route because the public would never accept them as bald. The list is long and painful: William Shatner, Ted Danson, Marv Albert, Howard Cosell, Willard Scott, Sam Donaldson, Ricardo Montalban, Frank Sinatra, Fred Estaire, Charlton Heston, Burt Reynolds, Elton John, Greg Gumbel, etc.

Gentlemen, (those of you still alive), give it up. It’s OK, really. We don’t care if you’re bald or not. Does anyone really believe Frank Sinatra wouldn’t have been just as good as an openly bald singer? It’s not really a visual skill, Frank. Look at your buddy Don Rickles—it hasn’t hampered his career.

Burt Reynolds…we implore you. You were bald in 1970. It’s OK.

Marv Albert…when we say “beaver on your head” we’re thinking of you.

Elton John…the wacky glasses AND a wig? If you aren’t in denial about that other issue anymore, can’t you just give up the denial game altogether? Your fans are your age too. We understand.

Greg Gumbel…we saw you as a sportscaster in Chicago in the early 80s. You were balding then. Did you accidentally get hit by a hair truck?

Charlton Heston…don’t worry, your cold dead hands can still grip that gun, but please take the dead animal you shot with that gun off your head.

William Shatner…your five year mission is to explore new worlds without hairpieces, to boldly go where only one other Starship captain has gone before (Jean Luc Picard).

Sam Donaldson…we can actually see the tape. No kidding.

Ricardo Montalban…the fine Corinthian leather doesn’t belong on top of your head.

The Real Pain

Hairpiece purchasers run into the exact same scenario as hair plug devotees. With celebrities or people in the public eye this is even more the case. There is photographic evidence, people. Anyone can find pictures of you from a few years ago and see that your hair was thinning. We’re not morons. There is absolutely no excuse for a celebrity to think he pull this off.

On the other hand, we can understand how the average Joe may think he’s getting away with the hairpiece thing. You think it’s subtle. You may even try to slowly increase the size of your hairpieces to subtly go back to a full head of hair.

Please sit down. This is going to hurt.

Unless you are moving to a place where no one knows you and never knew you, people will notice. We know what you’re thinking; they’ll notice that you’re going bald too. Yes, that’s true, but they’ve already noticed that. This is a whole new wrinkle. Now they just think you are pathetically insecure.

It would be one thing if strangers didn’t notice, but they notice too. Even the best hairpieces aren’t that good. People can tell. Think about this; those celebrities we listed are all very wealthy. They can afford the best hairpieces that money can buy.

Are they wearing good hairpieces? Is there a single guy on that list you said “Really? He wears a piece?”

That’s what we thought.

You Can’t Run Forever

It’s time to face up to the facts that you’re losing your hair and there is nothing you can do about it. There are no magic potions or viable scientific options that will bring back your loved ones. You’re in this for the long haul and you better start living again. Ignoring your problems won’t make them go away. It’s time to head out into the world and drink up all it has to offer. Are you ready? Can you leave your anxiety and fears behind?

Didn’t think so.

Sorry to tell you this, but Isolation doesn’t work either. Next month, we’ll prove it to you.