"Predictions for 2007"

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern






*Number of major league starts by Mark Prior: 6.


*Month of Warner Saunders “surprise” retirement announcement at Channel 5: June.


*Date of Rod Blagojevich’s indictment: November 17.


*Number of Calories Nicole Richie will eat in '07. 3400


*Number of points Bears lose first playoff game by: 14.


*First heart attack—Dick Cheney, Dennis Hastert, or Jim Hendry: Hendry


*Who will eat more donuts this year Jim Hendry or Karl Rove: Rove


*First celebrity breakup: Jim Carrey & Jenny McCarthy.


*Number of Bulls playoff victories: 3


*Month of first story about 40th anniversary of the Summer of Love: February.


*Number of joint media appearances by figure skater Sasha Cohen & comedian Sacha Baron Cohen: Zero.


*Average number of fans attending White Sox games in May: 18,000.


*Date of first Lou Pinella ejection: April 30.


*Date Chicago Cubs are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs: September 4.


*Amount the Tribune will spend per Cubs win..$2,200,000


*Number of Michael Richards’ movies: Zero.


*Number of times Paris Hilton discusses the crisis in Darfur: Zero


*Number of times a local weatherman is blamed for bad weather by local anchors: 73.


*Date Jay Mariotti calls for Ken Williams firing: August 6.


*Which will be greater? The number of completed passes Rex Grossman has in the playoffs or the the number of testicles of an average male: Tie


*Number of joint media appearances by William Jefferson and William Jefferson Clinton: Zero.


*Number of Big Ten schools in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament: 4


*Number of wacky "mother and daughter switching bodies" movies will Hollywood release this year. 7


*Lower ERA—Dave Aardmsa or Neal Cotts: Aardsma.


*Number of times Lindsey Lohan will get drunk and need stitches. 11


*Number of dustups between David Gregory and Tony Snow: 12.


*Number of people who will buy the new Who album: 82


*Most likely to appear on the Surreal Life: K-Fed.


*Number of people VP Cheney accidentally shoots in the face: Zero.

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 5)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

We think this one may be the very first Christmas letter, but we're still working on having that verified.

Hello family and friends!

We hope your winter solstice is going well this year.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been more than thirty years since our boy was born in that manger in Bethlehem. It’s a good thing we invested that frankincense, gold and myrrh wisely, because we haven’t had a moment’s peace since the neighbors started blabbing about the messiah living in our house. Luckily, our investments allowed us to buy state-of-the art security camels last spring. Ever since then, those parasitic painters from the Roman tabloids stay a respectable spitting distance away.

As for the boy, he’s doing fairly well, but I’m a little concerned about his friends. He spends a lot of time with unsavory types, and every time he comes home for a visit he brings a houseful of his unwashed friends with him. Last time I said “Jesus! If you think I’ve got enough food to feed these dirty…” and before I finished my sentence there was food on the table. It’s hard to stay mad at him when he does things like that.

As you can imagine, it’s a little frustrating being a mother of a boy with such potential. Joseph and I keep waiting for him to settle down and marry a nice Jewish girl, but it’s always “Just one more miracle, Mom,” or “Just one more sermon on the mount, Mom.” I keep telling him that the orthodontia school won’t hold that space for him forever, but he’s at that difficult age now. He doesn’t listen to his mother anymore.

He doesn’t listen to Joseph either. I know Joe’s only his stepfather, but I can see the look in his eyes when Jesus refuses to help out Joe’s carpentry business. It has to be difficult dealing with general contractors when you know your stepson could set you up for life. I keep telling him, “Now Joseph, let’s be thankful we had one ‘free gold’ night. Most people don’t even get that.”

Well that’s it from Nazareth this year.

I’d love to hear from all of you too. What does the Messiah’s mother have to do to get a letter? (I heard all about your letters to the Corinthians, Paul…I know you can do it.) Would it kill you to include a letter with your birthday cards to Jesus? It would be a nice tradition.

Love to all.

Mary

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 4)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year. This classic comes from Christmas 1964.

Dear Friends and Family,

Remember in February when my husband took me on that cheap cruise to celebrate our 30th anniversary?

Remember how I complained that I don’t like boats and was afraid that the weather might get rough?

Remember how all of you said that it’ll be fine and just suck it up for the short time?

Well I got five words for you: THREE HOUR TOUR MY ASS!

You’ve probably noticed that Thurston and I haven’t been around the club much this year. That’s because the ship took ground on the shore of some uncharted desert isle. We’ve been stranded here ever since.

Just sit back and I’ll tell you the tale of how we spent 1964 with the five most annoying people on earth.

First there’s this imbecile named Gilligan. He likes to be called a mighty sailin’ man, but it’s unbelievable how clumsy he is. He breaks something really important every week. The amount of time we spend propping up this moron’s deflated ego is ridiculous. Perhaps we’ll get lucky and he’ll be hit by a coconut in the coconut.

Then there’s this overweight gentleman that piloted us right into an island. He weighs in the neighborhood of 300 pounds, and somehow hasn’t lost an ounce despite living on a deserted island. He must be eating 600 oranges a day.

Would you believe Ginger Grant is on our island? Oh, you've never heard of her either? We’ve been here ten months and this "movie star" has already produced 5 variety shows. She keeps saying how lucky it was that I brought nine trunks of clothing. She uses my finest dresses as costumes. Can you imagine? This is probably the best she's ever looked in her dismal career.

There’s also another gentleman we call the professor. The others consider him a “genius" because he can make radios out of bamboo and formulas to cure every disease. He can’t figure out how to get us off this island, however.

Finally, there’s this very sweet girl named Mary Ann. She’s so nice that she’s driving me positively batty. She’s always trying to make the best of things despite our lack of electricity and servants. I hate her guts.

We’ll that’s about it on my end. If you get this letter please keep the bottle that it came in. You know how cheap Thurston can be. Oh and by the way, if you see Sherwood Schwartz kick him in the family jewels for me, OK?

Love and Kisses,

Lovey

Next week: The very first Christmas letter.

CHRISTMAS LETTER GREATEST HITS (Part 3)

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Tis the season for Christmas form letters from long-lost friends and family members. We've been big fans of these since childhood, and we've actually acquired quite a collection over the past decade or two. (Send us yours by clicking on the "E-mail me" link on the right.)

Most letters are a little boring and maybe a little too inside for mass consumption, but others are Christmas letters for the ages. We're going to feature a few of those between now and Christmas this year.

This one was sent in by one of our more connected readers. It's a letter from North Korea, and it just came in this week.

Christmas 2006

Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,

Well, it’s hard to believe that another year has gone by.

Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let’s start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear armament train out of a ditch with his teeth and as springtime approached in April, he shot 17 holes in one on his first day out on the links. He would have had 18 but his caddy gave him the wrong club. Let’s just say he won’t be using that guy again (nor will anyone else) HA HA HA.

We had a lovely summer gardening. Kimmy especially enjoyed needling the Bushes throughout the year. We remodeled the palace and added another path from the main house to the swimming pool. Sadly, Kimmy slipped and fell on it. He now calls it the “Evil Access”. He is such a card. For the record, I told him not to wear his flip flops after it rains.

Even though we had time to relax, don’t think Kimmy spent the whole year goofing off. His accomplishments at work included ending all poverty, curing every disease known to man and establishing a utopian state for all his people. He likes to call North Korea the best kept secret in the whole world. In fact, he’s thinking of using that in our next advertising campaign to lure tourists. I suggested “More Bang For Your Buck” but you know how Kimmy is...he usually gets his way.

He just walked in the room so I have to go now. It seems that some of our neighbors have been on the phone complaining about the noise. (KILLJOYS!) By the way, if you’re planning on sending Kimmy any holiday gifts this year, please note that he’s now six foot six and has a swimmers build.

Cheers,


NAME REDACTED