WHAT YOUR CAR SAYS ABOUT YOU
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



It's big news in Chicago that Chicago Bears linebacker Lance Briggs smashed up his $350,000 Lamborghini, and fled the scene of the accident. News reports have been speculating why he left the car there, but we have a deeper question.

What kind of a man spends $350,000 on a car?

Let's just say that without even meeting him in the locker room after a shower, we can tell you a "little" bit about him, and why he feels he needs to overcompensate.

But then again, we're gifted "car personality-ologists."

Of course, anybody can identify the personality of a Lamborghini driver. We can do so much more. Take a look at the different types of cars below and find the kind of car you drive. We’ve tried to isolate one or two things we already know about you when we see you stepping out of that car. We make no judgment on whether any of these things are good or bad.

ACURA—You have at least two words in your vocabulary that most typical American citizens no longer use in everyday conversation: “sharp” and “sporty.” I hope you don’t think I’m being “fresh.”

BMW—“Hey Charles, how did the Dow Jones do today?”

BUICK—You are sick and tired of people saying you’re not happy at mealtime unless you have meat and potatoes. You ate a Tuna Melt at Denny’s last month and nobody even noticed.

CADILLAC—It depends on the model and the neighborhood. Let’s say it’s a classic Cadillac Eldorado and you’re in the suburbs. Are you picking Myrtle up for Bingo this week or is she taking the bus?

CHEVROLET—The Chevy driver runs the gamut, from Camaro (“That pack of smokes in your t-shirt sleeve is covering your tattoo”) to Corvette (“Divorced? You’re kidding!”) to El Camino (“Out of my cold, dead hands”) to Cavalier (“Did someone here order the pepperoni and mushroom?”).

CHRYSLER—A PT Cruiser owner can complete this rhyme: “I’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it’s cold outside, I’ve got the _________.”

DODGE—The Neon owner is the only person you know that still makes Yugo jokes. The Intrepid driver always pays the extra buck or two for the hot wax at the gas station car wash. The Viper owner can easily tick off the names of the planets because the entire solar system revolves around him.

FORD—Is that a fedora we see peeking over the steering wheel of the Crown Victoria or is it somehow driving itself? As for the Mustang owner, we know he is really into cars because he’s on a first-name basis with every mechanic in the area. The Taurus driver is definitely qualified to do our taxes.

HONDA—When I see a Civic driver, we hope we don’t know her because we didn’t get her a graduation gift. The Accord driver has 2.2 children, 3 bedrooms, and 2.5 baths, and if we had to guess at a name we would say “Bob.”

KIA—We couldn’t help admiring your faux Coach purse while we were watching Steel Magnolias. Did you get that at Marshall’s?

MAZDA—The same as the Honda driver, but slightly less interesting. The Miata driver, however, is named Stephanie or Kimberly. That’s just a fact.

MERCEDES—“Hi Hans, vant to vatch ze soccer game mit me? Oh sorry, you’re an American. Listen, I could use someone to represent me—I’m pretty sure this carpal tunnel syndrome is a workplace injury.”

MERCURY—The Grand Marquis driver is a person we can count on for the casserole at the next church potluck dinner, and the Sable driver is definitely not able to help us reset the blinking time on our VCR.

MITSUBISHI—If the Lancer, Gallant, Eclipse and Diamante drivers were movie actors, they would be listed as “Man #1,” “Woman #2,” “Man with Hot Dog,” and “Woman with Child” in the credits.

NISSAN—It’s called a Pathfinder, you paid the extra money for the GPS, and you still got lost. How did that happen exactly?

OLDSMOBILE—What happens when this one breaks down? You’ve gone from Cutlass to Delta 88 and back to Cutlass every four years since 1963, and now they pull the rug out from under you while you’re still only in your 70s. Don’t you hate progress?

PONTIAC—What’s the difference between a Chevy Camaro owner and a Pontiac Firebird owner? The Firebird owner keeps her smokes in her purse.

SATURN—You’re the kind of person who gladly eats a cold steak because it would be rude to send it back to the kitchen. And please. . .don’t tell us you got the manual transmission because you love driving.

TOYOTA—Let me guess what color your Camry is. Is it blue? I’m also guessing that if I ever invite you to a party, you’ll be the first one there. I admire your punctuality.

VOLVO—We understand. We're afraid of our wives, too.

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: What do Mr. Smarty Pants Car Personality-ologists drive? You’ve probably seen people like us on the road. The telltale signs are obvious: the dead look behind the eyes, the sourpuss face that naturally forms when the temples throb for hours a day, the unmistakable look of defeat.

That’s right. We both drive minivans. Does it really matter which kind?

THE CUB ANSWER MEN RETURN (AGAIN)
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Now that the Cubs have actually been in first place during August, the Cubs answer men are getting flooded with questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.


"Q" writes: I know the first Model T was released one week before the last Cubs World Series championship. Did this have any effect on the attendance at the 1908 Series?

R & D: Nah. There wasn't any parking in the neighborhood then either.

"F" writes: "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" was written the year the Cubs last won the World Series. When we win it again this year, will it be replaced by a song from this year?

R & D: It has to be. After all, a growing number of children have peanut (and cracker-jack) allergies.

"C" writes: The Cubs were in the World Series during Prohibition (1929). What did they serve at the concession stands that year?

R & D: $6 O'Douls.

"D" writes: Do you think God has finally forgiven the Cubs for building Wrigley Field on the site of a Lutheran Seminary?

R & D: The most Lutheran country in the world is Germany. Let's compare and contrast the record of Germany over the last century to the record of the Cubs. Notice any similarities?

"W" writes: When the Cubs win the World Series and we all storm the field to celebrate, the cops aren't really going to arrest all 40,000 of us, are they?

R & D: No. They won't waste their time. Anyone who is rich enough to afford World Series tickets probably has their connected lawyer on speed-dial.

"L" writes: We'd like to honor this year's Cubs World Series Champions by celebrating at the location of their last championship; West Side Grounds. Can you tell us where to go?

R&D: Sure. You'll be right smack in the center of the UIC campus. If your celebration gets out of hand, and someone starts a fire, just tell the cops that it's a tribute to the UIC Flames.

"T" writes: I'm a little concerned that this year's World Series champion Cubs don't have a poem about their double play combination like Tinkers to Evers to Chance. Do we still have time for someone to write one before they win it all?

R&D: Your wish is our command. We call this: "Theriot to DeRosa to Lee"

These are the words that have set us free,
Theriot to DeRosa to Lee,
They have one gold glove between the three,
Theriot to DeRosa to Lee,
The first two are scrappy, the third hits some doubles,
When they bat one, two, three, opponents have trouble,
We cheer them and pray, the bullpen won't burst our bubble,
Theriot to DeRosa to Lee.

MIDDLE AGED ROAD TRIP
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko




Because tomorrow is the 30th anniversary of Elvis' death, we're re-running the piece about our recent trip to Memphis. We hope you enjoy it.


Let us set the stage.

Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.

Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.

Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…

*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to pose for this picture with Dane’s confiscated items.


*In the airport, Dave bought three bagels. When the total came to $8.10, Dave asked if they offered a financing plan.


*Our first meal in Memphis (lunch) was memorable. When the waitress brought Dave’s lunch, she slammed it on the table and snapped—“YOUR PLATE BURNED MY HAND!”


*Dane and Dave were eager to go to Mississippi, just a few minutes away from Memphis, although they had very different reasons.
=Dane wanted to cross Mississippi off his state list. He now has been to every state but Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon. Rick and Dave were just as impressed as you are.
=Dave, the same man that calls his mother every day and uses the parking brakes every single time he parks the car just like they taught him in Driver’s Ed, is actually a maniacal gambler, and knew that Mississippi has casinos.


*Rick and Dane walked around the casino looking at gamblers. Not one smile in the entire casino. Dave was one of the “happy” gamblers, sitting at the $5 blackjack table. Only the smallest bladder on the planet (or possibly an enlarged prostate) prevented him from remaining there to this day.


*While Rick attended his conference the following day, Dane & Dave went to Sun Studios and took the very cool tour there. That's Dane on the left standing in the exact spot Elvis recorded “That’s Alright Mama.” That's Dave on the right, proudly singing about getting the AAA discount even though his card had expired.


*Rick got home from the conference just in time to break up the fight between Dane and Dave. Dane wanted to go to the Cotton Museum. Dave said he would rather be poked in the eyes by Liza Minnelli.


*That night we explored Beale Street, the party center of Memphis. After an incredible BBQ dinner, we settled in at a blues bar. After one of Dave’s three trips to the bathroom, he claimed to have spotted Dennis Quaid. Rick and Dane would have been much more impressed by Randy Quaid.


*Next stop: Pat O’Briens. The Memphis version of the famous New Orleans nightspot is almost an exact duplicate of the original. A rock and roll cover band was playing Van Halen in the courtyard. Rick and Dave wandered out to listen. Dane yelled “This is too loud!” and went to the dueling piano bar to listen to the Billy Joel medley instead.


*After a night of drinking, we stopped in for a late night burger. After we ordered the burgers, Dane noticed they weren’t being made on a grill. They were being boiled in a vat of animal fat. Mmmm.


*The night came to end when Dave’s “throbbing headache” had to be relieved with a medication cocktail that included Tylenol and Ambien.



*The following morning, the three middle aged travelers went to Graceland, where we suddenly didn’t feel so old.





*Dave got a little cocky at Graceland. He tried to get the student discount with his University of Illinois student ID card from 1985. “1985 Dave” had a full head of hair. “2007 Dave” has a gray goatee, and a shiny polished dome. The cashier didn’t go for it. This is her reaction when we tried to take her picture.



*Rick was grumbling that there weren’t any new Graceland snow domes since his last visit, so he bought an Elvis/Nixon magnet instead. This is the geek by Elvis’ grave.



*Lunch at Corky’s was the best meal of the trip…an unbelievable BBQ pork meal. Dave went to the bathroom there twice. Dane told Dave that he would make a provision in his will donating his bladder to Dave.




*After lunch, Rick and Dave took a nap. Dane went to the Cotton Museum by himself. If you ever meet him, ask to see the video. He videotaped the experience on his cell-phone, but we couldn't figure out how to upload it here.




*Not wanting to go out drinking again, the boys settled on an excursion to Arkansas for their last night. It wasn’t until they arrived at the dog track that Dane & Rick realized why Dave was so excited about this…it was attached to a casino.



*If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas.


*Although...the bar was serving 20 ounce Michelob beers for 50 cents a piece. Rick had three dollars in his pocket and a song in his heart.





*Dane picked the winners of the first two dog races. After that, not so much. This is Dane tearing up his betting slips.




*Dave got in a poker game, and was one $250 pot away from losing everything. When he didn’t lose the hand, he got out, and didn’t return. Although, he did stop at the video poker machines on his way back from his second bathroom trip.



*The night ended when Rick got heartburn. He bought Pepto Bismol in the hotel gift shop…at the nicer hotel next door.




*The next morning when we checked out of the hotel, Dave asked the clerk to name the most famous person who ever stayed at their hotel. She said: “The tall guy from the TV show ‘Martin’ had his family reunion here.” Top that.


So, was our middle aged road trip fun? I know it might not sound like it, but we had a great time. Will we do it again? Probably.

Next time, though, Dave is getting a catheter.

CUBS ANSWER MAN RETURNS
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





Last month we answered some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we've gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.


“A" writes: OK, I’m getting a little nervous here. There are way too many people who have heard me say that I would give my left nut for a Cubs World Series Championship. If they win it, do I have any legal recourse to protect my left nut?

R&D: No, sorry, you don’t. Don’t feel bad though. Not everybody has nuts. For instance, Almond Joy’s got nuts. Mounds don’t.


“J” writes: My grandfather came home from the big war too late to see the Cubs play in the World Series the last time they were there. I’d like to take him this year, but my question is this: Which possible rival has the most Japanese players? It would have extra special meaning for Gramps if we could beat the Japanese again while the Cubs are in the World Series.

R&D: Gramps is in luck. There are three contenders in the American League that have a few Japanese players. The Seattle Mariners are still in the thick of the American League West race and they have two Japanese players in their every day lineup—Ichiro and Kenji Johjima. The Yankees still aren’t out of it either, and they have Hideki Matsui and Kei Igawa. (Tell Gramps that Chien Mien Wang is from Taiwan ). But if he really wants to hit the mother lode, he should probably be rooting for the Red Sox. They have Dice K and Hideki Okajima—but they also have something that the other two teams don’t have: a real live Kraut-—Curt Schilling.

“F” writes: I’ve never been to a World Series at Wrigley Field. Do they have a dress code?

R&D: They certainly did the last time. Gentlemen were expected to wear nice trousers, a jacket, and a fedora. Ladies were expected to wear dresses, gloves, and hats. Goats were not welcome, regardless of what they wore.


"M" writes: My summer reading program for school includes "Tom Sawyer" and "Huckleberry Finn". How can I concentrate on Mark Twain when the Cubs are winning?

R&D: If it makes you feel any better, Mark Twain might have been a Cubs good luck charm. In his lifetime they were a powerhouse. In fact, during the last five years of his life they were in the World Series four times. (He died during the Cubs World Series season of 1910.) Their bad luck started shortly thereafter. They lost the series in 5 games to the A's, they broke up the double play combination of Tinkers to Evers to Chance, and the star pitcher on that Cubs team (King Cole), went to Africa after the series, contracted malaria and died.

"X" writes: I know Al Capone was a fixture in the stands during the 1929 World Series, and there have been other gangsters at the World Series during the 30s and 40s, but what are we going to do this year? It seems like all of our gangsters are tied up in that Mob Secrets trial. Who will be the enforcers if the other side gets out of hand?

R&D: Not to worry. We've got those 80-year-old ushers making sure nobody sits in the good seats. Everything should be fine.


"G" writes: Do you think that we can convince any of the Cubs players to call a home run shot in the World Series, so we can finally stop talking about Babe Ruth's called shot?

R&D: Absolutely. However, let's make sure it isn't Kerry Wood. He'll probably throw his arm out pointing.


"L" writes: I've got Zambrano pitching in Game 1 of the World Series, followed by Lilly, but I can't decide who should pitch Game 3. Who would you choose right now?

R&D: Three Fingers Mordecai Brown. He's been there before, understands the pressure, and throws the best spitball in the league.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS,
STAGE 3 BARGAINING (Part 2)

By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we’re concluding Stage 3: Bargaining.


Putting together a deal for God

As you put together your proposal for Him to bargain your way out of baldness, it might behoove you to make sure that you’re speaking to the correct Him via the correct religion. What is the correct religion? Well, we aren’t exactly qualified to tell you that. However, we will point out that the religion in which you were born and raised is probably your best shot. After all, He might have had a hand in that choice.

Any choice you made in adulthood might have been made for less than pure reasons. It’s a common mistake amongst our people.

Finnegan’s Yarmulke

“I was brought up in a strict Irish Catholic family. Mass every week, confession, Notre Dame football… you know, the whole nine yards. So you can imagine my family’s surprise when I converted to Judaism. I loved everything about it. Corned beef sandwiches, meat on Fridays, Shecky Green. I didn’t realize until months later that I only converted so I could wear a Yarmulke. If only I had recognized the truth before they took my foreskin.”
--Patrick F, Boston

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

Conversion to Judaism amongst our people is very common. The back of the head bald spot and the yarmulke are a marriage made in heaven. The shape and design of that cap is obviously not a coincidence, and it has been working miracles for thousands of years. You may have convinced yourself that you chose Judaism for its beautiful history and tradition. You may even have convinced your family that the $20,000 you pay to the synagogue is well worth it because of God’s teachings. You may even convince your fellow Jews that you have chosen this religion for all the right reasons.

But you can’t fool Him. He knows.

Don’t offer a deal to Him as a Jew if you’re really a Catholic. It diminishes your odds right off the bat.

Cooter’s Turban

“Let’s just say finding a Mosque in Mississippi wasn’t easy. Squirrel hunting in a turban wasn’t a picnic either”
--Cooter S, Biloxi

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

If you were born and raised as a Southern Baptist and converted to Islam in adulthood, that’s fine…as long as your reasons aren’t headgear-related. In Islam every man is encouraged to cover his head with a turban. Muslim men are not judged by their hair. If you can grow a beard, and most of us can, then it’s not too hard to see how this religion might have appealed to you. Every day you get on your knees and bow to Mecca and anyone watching you won’t be looking at the top of your head because it will covered by a truly impressive headgear. Throw in the promise of seventy virgins if you die a martyr and we can understand how this happens.

But if you’re about to offer a deal to Him and you call him by the wrong name, it might not help your cause. Most importantly, remember that He knows the real reason you chose this religion—and if you’re trying to get your hair back, that’s not going to help.

Pope Chang

“I probably didn’t realize it until the first time my hat came off trying to walk through a low doorway. I was blinded by the big hat. I didn’t see the downside.”
--P. Chang, Shanghai

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the headgear?

Many of our people entering the priesthood do it with gusto and ambition. The reason is simple: the hats keep getting bigger and better as you move up the Catholic hierarchy. Again, this isn’t a bad thing unless you converted to Catholicism just for the headgear. If you were raised in a remote village somewhere in China and just happened to see the Pope on a satellite television broadcast one day—it doesn’t count if you converted just for the cool big pointy hat.

Far be it from us to advise high ranking members of the church what to do when they make a deal with Him, but let’s face it—He knows.

Dali Fred

“The first time I heard him speak I knew he was speaking the truth. It wasn’t until my wife asked me what he said that I realized I wasn’t listening. I was blinded by his beautiful bald head.”
--D. Fred Smith, Kansas

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the (lack of) hairstyle?

The Dali Lama has helped spread the world-wide popularity of Buddhism. Just a few generations ago, Buddhists were quite rare in Western society. Maybe you were swept up in the excitement yourself. But be honest. Was it the message? Or was it the hair? Or was it the chance to move to Tibet?

We can clear it up in your mind with one simple question: Do you like Richard Gere?

If you do like him because you share a religion with him, then by all means, you are in the right religion. Make your bargain. If you still find yourself having an inexplicable white-hot hatred for Richard Gere, you might have chosen this religion for another reason.

This is the time for painful self-examination. You can fool your loved ones and your friends, but you can’t fool Him.

Vishnu Fritz

“Gandhi seemed like the perfect man to me. But when I converted to Hinduism and they made me an ‘Untouchable’ I realized that I might have just been blinded by his beautiful bald dome.”
--V. Fritz, Berlin

Ask yourself this question: Did I choose this religion for the (lack of) hairstyle?

We’ve heard you extolling the virtues of your new religion. The Karma thing sounds very good—we’re all for it. The reincarnation thing has a definite appeal, no question about it. If you were born into this religion, then more power to you. You may not even need to make a deal with Him because you’re hanging in there for a full head in the next lifetime.

But if you chose this religion because of Gandhi’s hairstyle, and yes, we’re talking to you Fritz; you better remember that before you offer a deal to Him.

He knows.

Krishna Ethan

“The first thing I noticed was the cool orange outfit. I grew up in Syracuse and the orange appealed to me. But I must admit I didn’t convert until I started losing my hair. It’s a good look, but the airport food is starting to get to me.”
--K. Ethan, Syracuse

For a bald man, the lure of Hare Krishna is difficult to overstate. The obvious appeal of the hairstyle (or lack of one) barely needs to be pointed out. But the additional bonus of people calling you “Hare” is irresistible. The chance to repeat this word in chant after chant has got to feel great.

On the other hand, if you’re trying to broker a deal during this bargaining phase of Stage 3, you have very little chance of success if you aren’t bargaining with the right Guy. Listen to the song “My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison. Does it speak to you? If yes, bargain away. If no, you’ve been lured by the hairstyle and the name. If it simply reminds you of the song “He’s so Fine” by the Chiffons, don’t call a lawyer. It’s already been settled in a court of law.


Closing the Deal

After you are 100% sure that you’re in the correct religion, then—and only then are you able to pitch your deal to God.

You should know that the odds of your success are still overwhelmingly against you. Making a deal with God is like making a telemarketing cold call to a Vietnam veteran asking for a donation to the Jane Fonda Free Speech Fund. Is it hopeless? Probably. But you can’t make a sale or get the big job if you don’t go for it. There may be a miracle, right?

If you are a skilled salesman or negotiator you’ll want to use some of those techniques while speaking with God. If you aren’t, as a service to you, we’ll go over a few of those techniques to give you a little help. You’ll need it. It’s all a matter of knowing who you’re dealing with, what you’re offering, where and when you’re offering it, and how and why you’re offering it.

Who?

Know your customer. God has already made his feelings about baldness clear in His book. He’s very pro-bald. So why would he consider giving you hair? He likes you just the way you are. He is what we call in the sales game “a tough sell.” He has all of the power in this relationship and you have none.

Read up on Him. Get to know who He is and what He likes. For instance, there is a chance that he doesn’t even like you. How do you know if he really doesn’t like you? He has His ways of making himself heard.

• Do you live in a flood plain? If you can swim in your basement he doesn’t like you.
• Do you live on a fault line? He doesn’t get more obvious than when he makes the entire earth shake beneath you.
• Do you live in Florida? After the second or third hurricane you should have gotten the message, but four in one season? He doesn’t like you.
• Do you root for the Cubs? He’s been very clear on this for a hundred years.

What?

We recommend a gift, and some sort of service. He seems to like both of those concepts.

You have to give a gift, it’s only polite. Look at the examples of the gifts he has accepted over the years; a child, a life, etc. Those are big-time gifts, but let’s face it, those guys were asking for a lot more in return than you are. You’re not asking for eternal life or for all of mankind’s sins to be forgiven. You just want your hair back.

So what can you offer as a gift? Remember this isn’t the big part of your offer; it’s just a little ice breaker to show you care. The following suggestions are all appropriate without being too showy or bribe-y:

• Homemade baked goods
• A nice floral arrangement
• A picture frame
• A box of candy

What is not appropriate? You have to cover yourself here. Don’t give Him anything that might offend Him in another religion either, like…

• Pork
• Beef
• Dancing
• Anything featuring a picture of a uncovered woman’s face

After you come up with a gift, it's time to pick the way you'll promise to serve Him. Again, keep it realistic. You can choose to serve him for life as a priest or a monk or a Rabbi or an Ayatollah, but the men who do that are usually seeking a bigger payback than you are. They want eternal life. You just want your hair back.

But what does He want from you? Let’s go back to those big ten rules again. Those were etched in stone and are a pretty good place to start. Don’t go overreaching by promising to live by all ten rules forever. You can’t do it. The second you break your promise, your hair will fall out again. Plus, you have no credibility. It would be like Congress promising to end all partisan bickering. He won’t buy it—it’s not going to happen.

So pick one of the big ten and offer to live by it forever. There is a catch here, of course. You can’t pick the one that you already follow because he knows you already follow it. (“No more killing, God, you have my word.”) You have to give up one that you really love to break. It’s the least you can do for your hair.

• If you’re a chronic Sabbath-avoider, promise to go to Church every week (or your religion’s equivalent)
• If you’re a big Name-in-Vainer, promise to bite your tongue in traffic. Forever.
• If you’re a big coveter, promise to install an Internet web-blocker and/or firewall to prevent, ahem, surfing.
• If you’re a chronic Non-Honorer of your mother and father; promise to stop referring to them as a “royal pain in the ass.” Forever.

Where & When?

OK, let’s say you have a canolli for Him and you’ve decided that you’ll stop using His name in vain in the car. Where do you give Him the offer? He’s everywhere, right?

Well, yes he is, but he does have a lot of homes. Look for the big buildings with the steeples if you are Christian, or for the temples if you are Buddhist or Jewish or Hindu. The offer will mean more if you present it to him at his home. You are showing that you’re willing to go the extra mile. This is a no-brainer.

When to do it is a little trickier. If you make your offer during a service, other people may try to eat your canolli. We recommend doing it during a very important sporting event. God will appreciate it if you show up during the Super Bowl. It’s just another subtle way of showing him how serious you really are.

How?

Dress in your nicest suit. Presentation is important. Repeat this word to yourself over and over again: Humble. You are humble. You have never been this humble. You are Steve Marriot, the leader of Humble Pie. (For you kids, that’s a rock group from the 60’s and 70’s).

Give Him the canolli (a fresh one—please don’t get cheap here) and make your offer. Keep it simple and direct. Don’t waste your time with any smalltalk—it’s too risky. You may inadvertently say something you shouldn’t say. Say what you have to say, usually something like this: “Dear God, if you give me my hair back I promise that I will never use Your name in vain again in traffic; even when I get cut off, even when somebody is driving too slow in the left lane, and even when other motorists ignore the rules of the road.”

Then get out of there. You’ve done all you can do.

What if God actually answers you?

Let’s say our canolli & no swearing in traffic promise actually gets a verbal response from Him. Then what? Good news and bad news. The good news is that God does grant face to face sales appointments on occasion. The bad news is that these meetings are only scheduled after you’ve passed over to the other side. You’ve probably just been involved in some sort of a fiery car crash.

Now you may have to sell the Boss on two things. One, you’ll have to sell Him on your value to humanity so He keeps you around. That’s a given. But don’t forget why you wanted to talk to Him in the first place. This is a once in a lifetime chance to get a direct answer. Try to sell Him on giving you your hair back too. Remember that’s, “hair back” and not “back hair.” Rookie reps often make that mistake.

Can a bargain with God actually work?

You should have asked us that question a long time ago. There’s something we’ve been meaning to tell you since the beginning of this section.

God doesn’t bargain.

Ever.

Sorry.

He’s already giving you exactly what he wants to give you. He’s perfect, and when you’re perfect that means ZERO mistakes. He wants you to lose your hair.

So why did we spend an entire section covering “Bargaining” if there was zero chance of success? The same reason we spent an entire section on “Denial” and an entire section on “Anger.” You have to go through this process to reach acceptance.

It was for your own good.