Nine Ways To Attract A Man
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





Every time we go to the supermarket, we’re blown away by the headlines on the women’s magazines by the checkout counter.

This is just a sampling of the headlines we wrote down on a recent excursion...
=What guys notice: 20 things that turn their heads
=How to master the seven essential sex styles
=Are you good in bed? Take our quiz.
=His & Hers summer sex confessions
=Double your pleasure with these sexcercises
=Pssst. 100 secrets his body wants you to know
=12 little tricks to steam up your love life
=The sex he craves

The target audience for these magazines is 18-34 year old females. Correct us if we’re wrong, but is there a single female in that age bracket having a hard time exciting the man in her life?

Maybe it’s just because we’re not in that target age group anymore, and maybe it’s because we’re both married and not looking, but if it helps stop these pointless articles, we are prepared to break the “man code” and reveal the truth to young women everywhere.

There are exactly nine ways to attract a man. Follow these simple rules, and we guarantee success.

1. Have a Pulse
Not having a pulse is a notorious turn-off for men. On the other hand, women who have a pulse have an excellent chance of attracting some male interest. There’s no need to flaunt it. We can sense it. Call it male intuition.

2. Breathe
Are you breathing? Excellent. This is another one of our stringent requirements. On the other hand, those of us who know CPR are sometimes willing to suspend this rule temporarily.

3. Be conscious
This is important. Remember that the conscious girl has many advantages over the unconscious girl, and shouldn’t hesitate to capitalize on those advantages.

4. Be unconscious
On the other hand, men are not into “judging” you based on your state of consciousness. We’re much more open-minded than women think.

5. Have most of the “girl body parts”
We aren’t so crass as to expect you to have all of the girl body parts, but if you have most of them, you’ll find your odds of snagging a man improves dramatically.

6. Be Nearby
You know the old phrase “out of sight, out of mind?” It’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are nearby.

7. Be Far Away
You know the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” That’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are far away.

8. Speak
If your vocal chords are working and you can string together various words, phrases and/or grunts in our general direction, consider yourself an object of interest. It doesn’t matter what language you speak.

9. Don’t speak
On the other hand, silence is golden. A woman who is mute, doesn’t have vocal chords, or chooses not to use them has an excellent chance at turning the head of any man.


We hope you ladies appreciate how much trouble we can get into at the next “man meeting” for revealing the nine rules. These deeply guarded secrets are completely unknown to the editors of every women’s magazine in America.

Please, we urge you, use this information wisely.

Video Games for Grown-Ups
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





If you’re a parent with kids over the age of seven, the odds of having some sort of a video game system in your home is roughly the same as owning a fork. (There’s also a ninety seven percent chance that at some point you’ve said the following words: “When we were kids all we had was Pong.”) Throughout it all, you’ve quietly watched your children joyfully slaying dragons, stealing cars, and machine-gunning entire urban neighborhoods, but you’ve never once asked…what’s in it for us?

We’re asking it now. What’s in for us?

We know the youngsters who work for the video game companies don’t think about this huge untapped middle-aged “gamer” market out there, so we’ve taken the liberty to offer suggestions for video games that might interest people our age. These nine completely free* ideas, are available to any and all video game companies.


Sonia the Soccer Mom
The game is set in Suburbania, the beautiful village by the interstate. In Level One, Sonia signs up her identically dressed identical twins Ashley and Amber for soccer at the park district. Things start to get ugly when Sonia is pegged as driver for the entire team. Negotiating through summer construction projects, Sonia must pilot the minivan through multiple sub-divisions that look exactly the same while picking up Emily, Madison, Emma, Tori, Maya and Mia. Players need to move quickly through the game or run the risk of draining all their allotted $3.56/gallon gas. Take too long and the Starbuck’s Grande Latte Sonia picked up in level one will get cold.


Mr. Fix It
In this game, the home improvement novice will be given exactly $1500 in his savings account and will face every conceivable problem a homeowner can encounter…each of which costs $1500 to fix. Mr. Fix-It must choose which one is the most important (or dangerous), and then he must attempt to fix the rest of these problems himself. The first level, The Yard, won’t be too difficult, and it includes three free emergency room visits. In the second level, Plumbing Problems, Mr. Fix It could potentially destroy his entire house. And no-one has yet survived the third level: Electrical Problems.


Audit Assault
The fun never ends when the IRS man shows up unannounced at your front door. In level one, you’ll have to look for your receipts from 1999 while simultaneously keeping the IRS man away from your “actual” books. In this ironic twist, points are deducted for things you shouldn’t have deducted, and for the most grievous illegal deductions (“Shouldn’t beer be deductible if I drink while I’m working?”), you can have your house taken away from you. In the two-player version of this game, you are allowed one call from jail in Level Three.


Company Christmas Party
Deck the halls with balls of fun for this holiday favorite. It’s December 17th and time for Acme Corp’s annual Christmas Party. Players will negotiate through countless meaningless conversations and fake laughs as they make their way through the pre-dinner cocktail hour in Level One. Uh-Oh you’ve been seated next to your manager’s wife who thinks that your knee is a perfect place to rest her hand. Points are deducted in Level Two when you start drinking and tell off color racist jokes within earshot of your Jewish comptroller. Be extra careful not to get sucked into the mistletoe black hole.


20 YEAR High School Reunion
It’s only four weeks before Nick goes back to St. Bestyearsgoneby for his 20th High School Reunion. The clock is ticking as the Level One player searches for miracle weight loss diets, really good jobs, and hair. Level Two finds our hero dodging the bullies at the function and trying to convince the head cheerleader that he really did sit next to her in English. Points will be deducted for all awkward silence and any damage to the sports car that Nick rented for the occasion.


Family Vacation
It’s finally here, the long awaited family winter vacation to Disney World. This game follows Mr. and Mrs. Broke and their four children from the time they leave their home with gleeful anticipation till the time their disheartened spirits come back. The perils immediately start in level one when they get delayed for 13 hours in Atlanta surviving on vending machine muffins and over priced bagels. Uh-oh Florida is known for rain and this storm is a biggie. Players must search for $30 plastic garbage rain smocks. Player skill is tested when all three children get the flu. Go over budget and only one kid can go to college.


In-Law Invasion
It’s the first day of summer and the recently retired in-laws have flown into town with one-way tickets to spend some quality time with their grandchildren. In Level One, you must adapt every thing you do to the way “we’ve always done it”. In Level Two you are no longer allowed to discuss anything other than religion and politics. In Level Three, points are deducted for putting “just a touch” of poison in the morning coffee.


Working For The Man
Set in a typical non-descript office; Benjamin Boring is sitting in his cubicle as usual. He’s only got 6 years until retirement and must find a way to keep his job. Players must avoid the evil twin villains, Downsizing and Foreign Outsourcing. Bonus points are awarded for looking busy and running office pools. Level Three provides gamers with the famous Frozen Pension Maze. Working for the Man 2 has the bonus Loss of Insurance Coverage conundrum.


Stress Test
Feeling a little too tired to make it to the doctor for this year’s Stress Test? Do it from the comfort of your La-Z-Boy, with “Stress Test, The Video Game.” In Level One your player will run on a treadmill with wires attached all over his body. In Level Two, you will pick out which hospital room you want him to have for his angioplasty recovery. In Level Three, you get your choice of Jell-o flavors.


Let the kids have their fun with Sonic the Hedge Hog and Madden Football. We’ll show them what real terror looks like. On second thought, Pong doesn’t look so bad.




*By “Free” we mean that we would retain the customary 51% ownership. That might as well be free, you ungrateful little snots.

"Worst Jobs"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



Big Brother is watching.

Don’t worry, it’s only Rick (technically he is a big brother) and he’s watching. During the lifetime of this blog, Rick has discovered that most of the hits have occurred between 8:00A – 5:00P Monday thru Friday. For all of you with gainful employment, thumbs up to sticking it to the man. Is it because this blog is an indispensable source of humor or is it because you hate your job?

We think it's the latter.

As always, Rick and Dave are concerned with your happiness and want to help. While you’re toiling through your mundane work experience, remember it could be worse. There are jobs out there far worse than yours. Feeling better about yourself through the misfortunes of others (Germans call this 'Schadenfreude') has always worked pretty well for us. Take our lead and think about the following vocations next time you get depressed about your own:


1) The coach of the Washington Generals
This is the team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters every night. Their record? 0-6,000,000. That's even worse than the Cubs.

2) The Star Trek guy that accompanies Kirk, Spock and Bones on a mission
Take this job and you’re 100% certain to be eaten by a large space alien or whacked by a Klingon. Worst part, you ain’t getting any of the syndication money.

3) Santa's Elf
So you're an accountant and you think that April is the busy season? Fourth Quarter at Santa's Workshop would make your calculator melt.

4) Rodeo Clown
If antagonizing a 2,000-pound horn-wielding cranky beast is your bag, go for it. Here’s a tip though, try to negotiate not having to wear size 54 shoes.

5) Steve's replacement on Blues Clues
Take this job and you’ll be forever compared to perhaps the greatest performer in history. Steve is a better dancer than Joe, he’s a better singer than Joe, and he’s a better artist than Joe. He can fill a whole notebook in a day, twice.

6) Paris Hilton’s Calculus Professor
Teacher: Please compute...
Paris: My doggie likes to eat food.

7) The tragedy receptionist
Every time there's an awful tragedy like a plane, train, or bus crash, there's always a hotline for family members to inquire about the fate of their loved ones. Somebody has to answer those calls. We're assuming they don't have that automated yet..."Press the first three letters of the last name followed by the pound sign, to find out if your loved one has survived."

8) Naomi Canpbell’s domestic help –
If you wear a helmet you might escape with your life, but those lanky-types pack more of a whallop than you think.


9) High School Driving Instructor
Not only will you have to teach teenagers who don't fear death, you’ll have jerks like us purposely cutting you off in traffic for kicks.


So, the next time you’re feeling sorry for yourself because you have a crappy job, think of these poor shlubs. No matter how bad your life is, it could be worse.

Puts a smile on your face just thinking about it, doesn't it?

Humble offer to the NBA Commissioner

By Rick Kaempfer & David Stern



We sent the following letter to the NBA Commissioner a few weeks ago. We're still awaiting a response to Dave's gracious offer.


National Basketball Association
Attn: Commissioner David Stern
645 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10022

July 15, 2006

Dear Commissioner Stern:

I’m worried about you. Here it is, July, basketball’s off season—and you still show up to work every day.

Yes, of course, you have a full plate. Everyone wants a piece of David Stern. But shouldn’t David Stern be allowed to go to the Hamptons for the weekend without constantly checking his voicemail and e-mail? Shouldn’t David Stern be allowed stop and smell the roses without being bombarded with work?

What if I told you that I could make that happen?

You see, my name is also David Stern. If you hired me to sit in your office for the summer, you could have the entire summer off, and nobody would be deprived of spending some quality time with David Stern.

If someone called to speak to David Stern, they could still do so…without inconveniencing you.

If someone stopped by to have a meeting with David Stern, they could still do so…without inconveniencing you.

If someone booked David Stern to deliver a speech at the National Press Club…David Stern could still do so, without interrupting your trip to Cape Cod.

Think about the possibilities. How much would your wife love it if David Stern actually picked out her gift? How honored would NBA players be if David Stern showed up at their weddings? I don’t like to brag, but have you considered how nice it would be to have everyone talking about what an incredible dancer David Stern was at Dwayne Wade’s wedding?

While I don’t look like you, I am also a relatively short Jewish guy. Nobody would be the wiser. Please give it some thought.

Sincerely,



David Stern

Our favorite diseases and injuries

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Remember the good old days when you used to make fun of your dad for all those funny grunts he made when he got up off a chair? Or how about all those carefree hours of laughter you had at the expense of your Uncle Gabe and his ear hair? You were a regular Henny Youngman back then, weren’t you? King of the comedy world.

Now let us ask you a question: How funny is your routine now that you’re blitzkrieging towards middle age?

Thought so.

Well, rapidly aging readers, don't fret. Your good buddies Rick and Dave are going to help you through the aging process a little bit. Obviously, as we get older our body tends to get a few more aches and pains along the way. It’s inevitable. The trick is to find the right aches and pains.

In fact, if you follow our lead, we can make the natural deterioration of your body a semi-pleasant experience. Simply get extremely mild cases of the following diseases and injuries, and your life may actually improve:


Tinnitus –Tinnitus is a constant ringing in the ears. What is the treatment? Sufferers need to sit in a quiet room free of all screaming children. To drown out the ringing, a constant sound in the background is permitted. Sporting events on television work perfectly.

Sleep Apnea – You don’t want to take a long afternoon nap every day, you are medically required to do so.

Jumping Frenchman of Maine – This real (Jumping Frenchman of Maine) disorder is characterized by an unusually extreme “startle reaction” to an unexpected noise or sight. For instance, your in-laws showing up unexpectedly at your door might elicit this extreme response. Perhaps the sight of the $400 pair of shoes your wife just bought might have similar consequences. Treatment options? Your loved ones must avoid any and all changes in your environment.

Hyper-extended elbow- Most orthopedic doctors agree that this is one of the hardest injuries to treat. People can have lingering pain from an injury they had many years ago (did somebody mention painkillers?). All manual labor, like helping your wife’s brother move for the third time in three years, should be avoided.

Compulsive Shopper – I’ll go to the store, honey! Just give me that credit card and whoopee!!!! What do you mean I’m absolutely forbidden to go to the mall?

Alien Hand Syndrome – This is an unusual neurological disorder in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a life of its own. No, I did not intentionally flip off that bus driver; I’m ill. Honey, did I unbutton your shirt again? Darn hand.

Temporary loss of smell – Doctors are baffled as to why many men in their 30’s and 40’s temporarily lose their sense of smell. Equally puzzling is why many of the afflicted have young children in diapers.

Chronic Allergies – Allergies are a nuisance, but an allergic reaction to grass means you can’t mow the lawn. An allergic reaction to cats and/or dogs means you really should spend the next family gathering at Uncle Leo’s house sitting outside by yourself.

Heart Disease – This one’s a bit tricky. Go overboard and things could get ugly. However, many scientists think that deficiency in the vitamins B6, B12 and folate can cause cardiovascular disease. Guess what is rich in B6, B12 and folate……..BEER. Honey can you pick up my prescription at the liquor store on your way home?


Are there any that we’re forgetting? Feel free to send us your favorite disease and injury suggestions, by clicking on the word “comments” below.

We’ll have plenty of time to read them. We’re medically required to spend the rest of the day in our basements.