"Pabst is Back! We blame ourselves"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern






You read that right. Pabst Blue Ribbon is now a very popular brand of beer.

It’s our fault, too.

We failed an entire generation of Americans. We just assumed that no one needed to be told anymore. We didn’t even worry about kids discovering Pabst because surely the liquor store owner or barkeep would fill them in at the point of purchase.

“Um, son,” he would say, “You know you’re buying Pabst, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“We haven’t sold any since 1979.”

“So?”

“It tastes like carbonated urine.”

“So?”

“Just say the word Pabst.”

“Pabst.”

“Now make the sound you make when you’re vomiting.”

“Pabst.”

If only that conversation had actually occurred.

Think about it, baby boomers. We didn’t even mention Pabst Beer for an entire generation because we thought it was so obviously bad that no-one would dare make the mistake of buying it. That was our mistake.

If you haven’t noticed, the kids today are latching on to many of the trends from the 70s, from the long hair, to the gooey pop tunes, to the fashion. Many of those are also big mistakes, but it may have taken the resurgence in the popularity of Pabst to finally get our attention.

These kids didn’t live through this history. They need it to be spelled out. Even things that we assume are obvious.

Engage the youngsters in conversation. Let them know that the following items are not to be revived under any circumstances…but most importantly tell them why.



1. Jonathon Livingston Seagull
This was a wildly popular book and movie. Let’s have the conversation now. Ask us anything you want about it.


“What is it about?”

“A seagull.”

“A talking seagull?”

“No. Just a seagull.”

“What happens to him?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Not a damn thing.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

If that’s not clear enough, maybe we should just add this: DON’T READ IT OR WATCH IT! YOU’LL NEVER REGAIN THOSE TWO HOURS OF YOUR LIFE.



2. Leisure Suits
These were all the rage in the mid-to-late 70s. Everyone had at least one leisure suit. Ask us anything you want about them.



“What is a leisure suit?”

“A shirt-like jacket and matching pants.”

“Like a suit?”

“Sort of, but more casual.”

“So it’s comfortable?”

“No, actually it’s made out of polyester, so it’s even less comfortable than a suit.”

“But I thought you said it was more casual.”

“It is. It looks worse than a suit, and it’s less comfortable.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

If that’s not clear enough, let us spell it out: THE ONLY REASON WE DON’T TALK ABOUT LEISURE SUITS IS BECAUSE WE’RE COMPLETELY HUMILIATED THAT WE EVER FELL FOR THEM.


3. The Symbionese Liberation Army
This was an anti-corporate group of middle class white radicals in the 70s who hoped to create an uprising against the government and the corporations that run everything. Ask us anything you want…


“That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“What?”

“The anti-corporate part.”

“Do you think corporations control this country now?”

“Yes.”

“So do you think the Symbionese Liberation Army was even remotely successful?”

“Oh.”

“Ask me what tactics they used.”

“What tactics did they use?”

“They robbed banks and kidnapped people.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Exactly.”


That’s just the tip of the iceberg, kids. You’ll be hard pressed to find a decade with worse ideas than the 1970s. Please, we urge you, don’t make us live through it again. It would leave a terrible taste in our mouths.

Kind of like Pabst.

"Middle Age Nursery Rhymes"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


As parents of young children, we have to read the original versions of the following nursery rhymes all the time. They were no longer speaking to our generation, so we've updated them. Feel free to contribute some of your own.


Humpty Dumpty put up dry wall,
Humpty Dumpty tried to install,
All the kings ransom soon left his house,
And Humpty was left with a told-you-so spouse



One, two, it must be the flu,
Three, four, your body is sore,
Five, six, your stomach kicks,
Seven, eight, something you ate?
Nine, ten, pregnant again.



Middle Aged Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie,
His stomach went numb, so he ate some Tums
And ruined his diverticuli


Jack was nimble, Jack was quick
Jack bent over and slipped a disk



Old Billy Joel,
Ran into a poll,
And registered 1.3,
He called up his guy,
For his third DUI,
And Old Billy Joel copped a plea



Little US worker showed up for work on time
Devoted all those years and the ladder he did climb
Then corporate heads disclaimed that profits were too low
Now the Little US worker lost his job to Mexico!



All around the young girl’s desk,
The old boss chases Tammy,
And just when she gets into his range,
Pop! Goes his hammy.




Little Miss Muffet (pronounced Muf-fey)
sat at a Buffet,
Eating too many trays,
when along came her mother,
Who looked down upon her
And frightened Miss Muffet away


The itsy bitsy bladder,
Had an unblocked route,
But up came the prostate,
And soon it trickled out,
Back in his bed,
He fell asleep and then,
The itsy bitsy bladder,
Felt so full again.

NINE FINE SUPERMARKET WHINES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

For instance, we have nine fine whines to get you started. All of these are served in the supermarket.


1. Bagger or cashier small talk
Here’s the drill: we’re buying the stool softener for our wives. Capice? It's not a conversation starter, it's a conversation ender.


2. Understocked Kid Shopping Carts
You know those cool shopping carts that are shaped like fire trucks or police cars? Well it would be helpful if you had more than ONE. Our screaming toddlers don't understand the logic of having only one in the store and neither do we.


3. Extra-Value Products
Don’t ask us to buy some “extra value” product at the checkout. We’re smart enough to know that you’re just trying to move old inventory. Gee, who would have thought the mushroom flavored gum wouldn’t sell? And while the Peach-Mint Pop Tarts look yummy, we'll just pass thank you very much.


4. Deli-Counter Judging
We shouldn't have to acknowledge the irony when we're ordering three pounds of low-fat hard salami. Just get it. Yes, we realize that nobody else orders the head cheese, but it's not necessary to tell everyone standing behind us. We don't appreciate the snickers when we order the pickled herring, either. You work at a deli counter. There should be no such thing as a ridiculous meat order.


5. Half-Empty Bags of Chips
OK, so the cost of chips has only gone up slightly in the past few years, but apparently the cost of air is going through the roof. Put some damn chips in the bag.


6. This is not the arctic
We’re not penguins; you don’t have to keep the store at 15 degrees in the summer. We didn't bring our parkas.


7. The "We card everyone under 40" sign
It's impossible not to take that sign personally when we never get carded. Yes, we know we are technically over 40, but there's no way you could tell that by looking at us. We look exactly the same as we did in college.


8. Self Checkout Lanes That Actually work
When we use those self serve checkout lanes we’re doing it to avoid human contact. So, it would be helpful if every time we used them there wouldn’t be some issue that needed a clerk’s attention.

9. Oversized produce baggies
I could fit five watermelons in these bags. How about a normal size plastic bag for someone that doesn't need to buy produce for an entire football stadium crowd?


If you have any others to add to our list, feel free to contribute by clicking on the word "comments" below. All comments are sent to Rick's e-mail directly and he prints the best ones in Friday's column.