CUBS ANSWER MEN, Part 4
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





The last two months we've been answering some of your questions about the upcoming Chicago Cubs World Series. Since that original column, we've gotten many more questions. We don’t have room to answer all of them here today, but we’ll try to get through them before the parade in November.


"L" writes: I'm starting to get a little worried. What if God doesn't want the Cubs to win. What kind of wrath or vengeance should we expect?

R&D: Nothing happened when the Red Sox won it in 2004...except for another Bush presidency. And nothing happened during 2005 when the White Sox won it..except for that one tiny little hurricane that devastated an entire American city. We have absolutely nothing to worry about.

"F" writes: When the Cubs go to the World Series will Illinois Governor/Cubs Fan Blagojevic throw out the first pitch, or will it be Chicago Mayor/Sox fan Richard Daley?

R&D: Neither one of them will risk becoming such an easy target for grand jury subpoenas.

"D" writes: I'm a little worried that this Cubs team isn't as tough as the last Cubs championship team. What are your thoughts?

R&D: Both teams are plenty tough...they even fought against each other. This year the Cubs had two players who fought in the clubhouse. Michael Barrett ended up with a black eye, and was traded away. The 1908 Cubs fought in the clubhouse too. In a fit of anger, Heinie Zimmerman threw a bottle of ammonia at his teammate Jimmy Sheckard, which almost blinded him. The rest of the team turned on Zimmerman, and led by manager Frank Chance, beat the living crap out of him. He was injured so badly he was out for a month, but he remained a Cub for another four years. You make the call. Who was tougher?

"T" writes: My neighbor is one of those cynical Cubs fans. He thinks they are going to blow it again this year. Please reassure him and tell him that we have nothing to worry about it.

R&D: Don't worry. Being a Cub means achieving the impossible. After all, Cubs great Hack Wilson became an alcoholic during Prohibition.

"B" writes: Why does everyone consider the Cubs a pathetic franchise? Shouldn't they get credit for being in the World Series 10 times (1906, 1907, 1908, 1910, 1918, 1929, 1932, 1935, 1938, 1945)?

R&D: So true. Although, let's be honest, they only won two of those ten series. And...two more of them were during war years (1918, 1945). In 1918, the season ended on September 1st, which means the Cubs didn't get a chance to blow it in their most unsuccessful month. In 1945, the only guys playing in MLB were the guys who couldn't serve in the military--and the military was taking almost everyone. Also, in two other World Series appearances the Cubs were swept in 4 games (1932 and 1938) by the Yankees. But, your point is well taken. 10 times in 39 years is pretty impressive. If only the world had ended in 1945.

"L" writes: Don't you think the Tribune company should buy a round of drinks for everyone at the ballpark when the Cubs clinch it? It's the least they can do for us after the miserable excuse for baseball teams they've put on the field most of the years they've owned it.

R&D: Great idea. At $6 a pop for a Bud Light, that comes out to a measly $240,000. That's less than they spent for Will Ohman.

HOW TO MAKE A GERMAN LAUGH
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Because we we were both raised by German immigrants, during Oktoberfest season we're often asked to help explain our German comrades. The most common question we hear is this: How do you make a German laugh?

We’ve never had a good answer for that. We’ve always known what doesn’t work. Sarcasm and irony, for instance, are both completely out of the question. After all, psychologists have even stopped using ink blots with Germans because they always identified the pictures as…”inkblots.”

Germans are efficient, punctual and practical, but let’s face it; they aren’t funny.

After 40 plus years of trying, we finally had an epiphany. What if we used one of the words that best describes Germans (practical), and applied that to our attempts at humor?

Germans must love practical jokes, right?

That’s why we have developed a series of German practical jokes that can be fun for you and your whole German family. Feel free to use any of these, but we urge you—please have a paramedic standing by, just in case.

1) Tell your mother that you’re leaving your good job to pursue a career in the theater. When she asks about your health insurance coverage, simply reply that you, your wife and 3 kids feel great so “what could possibly happen”?

2) Start writing mushy cards to your uncles. Better yet, tell them in person and touch them as much as possible.

3) Volunteer to mow your father’s lawn, and then mow it counter-clockwise.

4) Sneak in your Aunt’s house and rearrange her Hummel collection. Put the little boy fishing where the little milk jug girl should be.

5) Take your grandmother shopping and purposely go through the 10 items or less aisle with 11 items. Tell the clerk that it was your grandmother’s idea.

6) Take your grandfather to a soccer game, and then don’t sit in your assigned seats. Say “follow my lead if the people who really have these seats ever show up.”

7) When the food gets passed around, serve yourself only vegetables. When someone asks why say, “I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.”

Try these out at your German house and report back to us. You may not get any laughs out of your victims, but if you don’t find their reactions hilarious, you might be a little too German yourself.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

HOW DO YOU MEASURE GREATNESS?
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern






How do you measure greatness?


It seems like such a subjective thing, but we have formulated a foolproof fact-based accounting method that can take the guesswork out of the equation.

According to our calculations, today (September 12, 2007) we will both officially surpass the talented actor/comedian John Candy.

That’s no small feat, but we’ve been surpassing some of the all-time greats over the last few decades, so we’ve really gotten used to it.

In 1981, we surpassed King Tut.

In 1987, we put James Dean in our rear-view mirror.

In the 1990s, we dusted guitarist Jimi Hendrix (’90), composer Stephen Foster (’94), actor John Belushi (’96), and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (’98).

We really got serious about moving beyond the all-time greats at the turn of the century.

According to our calculations, we have bested Lou Gehrig (2001), King Louis XVI of France (2002), Martin Luther King Jr. (2003), John Lennon (2004), and last year we even moved past the King of Rock and Roll Elvis Presley.

Some would have been content to stop there, but the great ones are never satisfied.

Next year, God willing, authors F. Scott Fitzgerald and Robert Louis Stevenson will have to admit that they are no Rick and Dave. The statistics don’t lie.

The following year Walter Payton will have to do the same. Before this decade ends, John F. Kennedy and Alexander Hamilton will also wish they were us.

Sorry to gloat. But it’s all we have.*





*Statistics are measured by number of years surviving on Planet Earth. Today, September 12, 2007, Dave turns 44, joining Rick in the “older than John Candy ever got” club.

GRIEVING FOR YOUR HAIR LOSS, STAGE 4 DEPRESSION (Part 1)
By Dave Stern (with Rick Kaempfer)




By now, scientists and psychologists all seem to agree with Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For some reason, however, nobody has ever applied these five stages to men with male pattern baldness. We’re also losing something close to us that has been a part of our lives forever…our hair. But does society, or science, or psychology care about us?

No.

That’s why we’re going to spend 2007 dedicating one column a month to helping balding men through the stages of grieving. This month we begin the toughest stage of all--Depression.

Historical Depression

When we meet our balding brothers struggling through the depths of Stage 4, the question they most often ask us is this: How long will this last?

We wish we had an easy “one size fits all” answer to that question, but it has varied throughout history. It could take you quite awhile to come to grips with your loss. On the other hand, something out of your control could happen to society to speed up the process significantly. That’s the silver lining. Root for a repeat of one of the following periods in history, and you could be cruising into Stage 5 before you know it.

The Bubonic Plague

Our people suffered greatly during the Dark Ages. Demons were often thought to be the cause of hair loss, and the moron fullheads dealt with those demons with classic fullhead cruelty. That is, until the Plague hit Europe in the 6th century. Those were the days. The fullheads were simply too preoccupied with dying and burying their dead to persecute us during the reign of death known as “The Bubonic Plague.”

Bald men walked side by side with fullhead men carrying the dead bodies out of their homes and throwing them into the pauper’s graves. Sure our people also died occasionally, but they didn’t suffer through Stage 4. They skipped right from Stage 3 to Stage 5. It’s sad to think that it took the worst health crisis in history to get them off our backs but we’ll take what we can get. Mentally, we have never been stronger.

We should also note that the Plague made a triumphant comeback in the 14th century and again in the 17th century. We’re about due for another outbreak, and if we get one, your stay in Stage 4 will be short indeed.

The Irish Potato Famine

In the years 1845-1850 the potato crop failed in Ireland, causing widespread famine and death. Over a million people died of hunger and diseases like typhus and cholera; entire villages were wiped out. Millions more emigrated to the United States and Britain, and many of them died on the voyage.

While it was admittedly a very bad time for Ireland, not a single bald Irishman had to spend a single day wallowing in Stage 4.

Lucky bastards.

The Influenza Pandemic

While the Plague really only affected Europe and the Potato Famine really only affected Ireland, the Influenza Pandemic of 1918-1919 was worldwide. It actually started in the United States (Kansas) and spread like wildfire. Soldiers were returning home all over the world from World War I and they brought influenza home with them. In one year over 25 million people died from the flu. Coming on the heels of nine million men dying on the battlefield during the War, this pandemic was so devastating that the entire world sunk into a deep depression.

But not one single bald man suffered through Stage 4.

Think of that next time there’s uproar over a flu vaccine shortage.


The Great Depression

The stock market crashed in 1929, and America didn’t really recover economically until we entered the war in 1941. With typical fullhead hubris, this time in our nation’s history has been identified as the Great Depression. Sure there was widespread poverty. Yes, people stood in bread lines, and pinched pennies just to survive.

But the bald man did not suffer through the Great Depression. Everyone was too depressed to make fun of us. In an ironic twist, the time period that shares a name with the name of Stage 4, was a great time for our people.


Curses Foiled Again

“I guess the old saying, “Be careful for what you wish for” is true. I never could imagine that the fulfillment of my dreams could leave me so empty.”
--Alan P.

Up until recently, there were a fairly large number of well-adjusted bald men that resided in the northeastern part of the United States. Rarely thinking about their hair loss, this group spent most of their days preoccupied with other sorrows. In fact, anyone coming in contact with these people was instantly inundated with unbelievable tales of their pain and suffering. Ironically, male pattern baldness was never mentioned. Often overbearing and annoying, these men seemed to derive their identity from their non-hair related angst. The lives of these men seemed to completely revolve around their heartache. Their grief was so profound that they couldn’t stop talking about it. They would rehash the same tales of woes over and over again. However, like all good tragedies theirs came to an abrupt end in the fall of 2004. Reality would hit these people square in the jaw and as usual it would be at the hands of a Fullhead.

In November, 2002 Theo Epstein became the General Manager for The Boston Red Sox. That was the beginning of the end for our northeastern brothers. In two short years, Epstein would put together a team that would win the 2004 World Series. With that championship our bald brothers instantly stopped their constant bitching, whining and complaining about the Red Sox. Our researchers have discovered that before 2004 the average bald Red Sox Fan would spend 94% of their waking hours obsessed with “The Curse.” Now, sadly, 100% of their time is spent thinking about their real curse.

Hope for tomorrow

It’s easy to get wistful for those good old days when you read this chapter during your Stage 4 suffering. Why do you have to live in such a prosperous country during such a prosperous time? It’s just not fair! Well, there’s some good news for you.

Over the past two decades virtually all of the industry and manufacturing in this country has moved overseas. In the past ten years most of the customer service industry has also moved overseas. America really only produces one thing right now: money. The current federal budget deficit is so astounding that many foreign countries that have been keeping the dollar artificially afloat are beginning to abandon it. And when the rest of the world stops supporting the dollar, our economy could collapse.

That’s right; the country that consumes about 25% of all the world’s goods could be headed for another very dark economic time. If that happens, the entire world’s economy could come crashing down.

It may not happen, but keep your hopes up.

If it does, you’ll be out of Stage 4 in a heartbeat.