NINE FINE SPORTS WHINES
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern







You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

Today we’re serving nine fine sports whines.


1. ESPN Scroll
Women's softball should never, and we repeat never, be listed on the news-flash scroll at the bottom of the ESPN screen. Anyone who wants to know a women's softball score attended the game. Let's take it easy on the tennis scores too, please. Geez, I wonder if the #27 seed beat the #73 seed in the first round of the Greater Australian Virginia Slims/American Airlines Open?

2. Baseball Rainouts
Oh, boo hoo. It's raining! Call the game! We're going to get wet! Players in every other team sport (including soccer) will play in a hailstorm, but baseball players act like they are wearing suede.

3. Baseball Fights
Say what you want about the punch Michael Barrett threw at A.J. Pierzynski, but at least it was a real punch. Baseball fights usually look like the fight over the last creampuff at the sorority social.

4. The little white dot on the top of the baseball helmet
The little button on the top of a baseball cap is hard enough to explain (what does it do?), but to actually paint a button on the top of a helmet seems completely ridiculous.

5. The Dog Show on ESPN
Fellas, please give us a break here. Unless the fat old lady running next to the poodle has to jump over hurdles or is about to get tackled by a 300 lb. lineman, this belongs on a chick channel.

6. The last 30 seconds of a basketball game
Is there a wife out there who hasn't been burned by "There's only thirty seconds left in the game--we can go as soon as it's over"? The last thirty seconds of a college basketball game actually take longer than the first 39 minutes and 30 seconds. Why not just play the last thirty seconds?

7. Cellphone waving yahoos
Let us get this straight. You paid over $100 to get the best seat in the house so that you could wave to your buddies on television? You obviously have too much discretionary income. Please send each of us a check immediately.

8. Athletes in cameo roles on TV
Willie Mays would never know Donna Reed. Don Drysdale would never know Mike Brady. Joe Montana would never know Al Bundy. The only realistic athlete cameo would have been on the West Wing, and they were smart enough not to do it.

9. U.S. Cellular Field Condiment Dispensers
Granted, this one is really only for those of us in Chicago, but can anyone explain why the "Ketchup" label is written in yellow while the "Mustard" label is written in red? How many games have been ruined by the sacreligious act of accidentally putting ketchup on a hot dog?

10 THINGS A HUSBAND CAN SAY TO MAKE HIS WIFE LAUGH

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




The following is the natural comedic arc of a relationship between a man and a woman.

1. She falls in love with you because you make her laugh.
2. She marries you.
3. She begins to roll her eyes.
4. She begs you not to tell a joke again.
5. She intentionally ruins your punch lines at cocktail parties.
6. She only loves you when you're serious.
7. She says "When will you grow up?"

Ah, love.

Don’t feel bad if the above seven step process describes you perfectly. It happens to every man after a few years of marriage. When a wife gets to know her husband a little better, he becomes less and less funny. If you talked to Jerry Seinfeld’s wife she would say the same thing.

It's really not her fault. You tell the same jokes. By the third year of your marriage she's heard every single one of them. Plus, now she's hearing those jokes from the guy who leaves his dirty socks on the floor even though he's constantly being asked to "pick up those disgusting socks."

It's inevitable. No one is to blame. It's the way God planned it.

So what can a man (who was chosen as a husband primarily because of his ability to amuse) do to keep his wife laughing? Between the two of us we have thirty years of marital experience, and even more comedy writing experience. Unfortunately, here is the comprehensive list of things a husband (of more than a few years) can say to his wife to make her laugh.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

So is that it? Your wife is never going to laugh again? Sure she will. She just won't laugh at anything you say. She will get a huge laugh, however, out of the following ten pictures. All women think these are hysterically funny. Show them to her, and bask in the nearby laughter.













































































She's laughing, isn't she? No charge.

Applying for White House Press Secretary
By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern



When Scott McLellan announced he was stepping down as White House Press Secretary, Dave and I knew exactly who should take his place...us. We sent the following letter several days before a replacement was named. Unfortunately, the President decided to go in a different direction, hiring a "name"--Tony Snow.

So far, no response to our letter.

(Although we're fairly certain that two new files have opened at the FBI.)

April 21, 2006

President George Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500


Dear President Bush,

We would like to applaud Scott McClellan’s performance throughout the last couple of years, while offering our assistance filling his now vacant post. We think we have the perfect replacement: Us.

What are our qualifications?

We’ve both been married for over a dozen years. I’m sure you’ll agree that this is the perfect previous experience. For instance, we’ve become quite adept at dodging questions. Instead of saying, “I’d love to answer the phone, but I can’t during an ongoing football game”, we can just as easily say, “I’d love to answer that, but I can’t comment on an ongoing criminal investigation.” See what a seamless transition that would be?

Since we’re married, we’re also accustomed to deferring to the “Commander-in-Chief” of our homes—our wives. We know better than to freelance without getting approval of everything we say in advance. Plus, we know how to take the blame for everything. In fact, between the two of us, we’ve accumulated over a hundred different ways of apologizing. You think you have low approval ratings...Talk to our wives sometime. We don’t want to diminish the job there, but if anyone thinks we can’t handle the angry press corps, they should come to our house on recycling day when we accidentally throw out the wrong kind of plastic. Our ‘environmental wacko’ wives make David Gregory look like Mother Theresa.

Finally, we are both very familiar with foreign policy. We don’t like to toot our own horns but both of us are superior RISK players. Just think of how valuable our knowledge of Irkutsk, Kamchatka and Yakutsk will be to you.

I’m sure you’ll agree that with our outstanding experience and work ethic we will be valuable additions to your administration. We would be happy to meet with you in person and discuss the Press Secretary position in more detail. Please call Dave at (deleted) or Rick at (deleted) to schedule an interview.

Sincerely,



David Stern
Rick Kaempfer


P.S. Please don’t audit us.