NINE FINE TELEVISION WHINES
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

Today we’re serving nine fine television whines.

1. Labeling something as a “Reenactment”
“Honey, look! They have film of George Washington crossing the Delaware! Oh...never mind. I didn’t see the graphic on the bottom of the screen there. It’s a reenactment.”

2. Joan Cusack, Rita Cosby & Ryan Seacrest
Joan Cusack’s contorted face on those cell-phone commercials is like a dagger in our eyes. Rita Cosby’s voice sounds like she gargling with razorblades while smoking. And Ryan Seacrest’s career is the most inexplicable American phenomenon since John Davidson. We’re hoping he’ll have similar staying power.

3. The volume on cable television ads.
We’re both wearing casts on our volume-control thumb from switching it back and forth during the commercials. LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft. Aarrrgh.

4. Yes, we see you! You’re on TV!
Like, that was so cool. The TV reporter was talking about the grisly crime scene details, and you were like, so totally hopping up and down behind him. We saw your Megadeth t-shirt! Did you TIVO it?

5. And they’re worried about the content of the shows?
The FCC may be fining television networks for objectionable content in their shows, but they obviously aren’t watching the commercials. Any commercial that talks about a four hour erection shouldn’t be on TV. Any commercial featuring a mother and daughter talking about douching shouldn’t be on TV. Any commercial that mentions “loose stool” shouldn’t be on TV. Please, we beg you.

6. Post-Speech Coverage
“Joining us now to give analysis of the politician’s speech is the best man at his wedding--the godfather of his child--and the man who wrote the speech. What did you think of the speech? And next to him is the sworn enemy of the politician, a man who has written eight books criticizing everything the politician has ever said or done. What did you think of the speech?”

7. Traffic reports on television
Why? No, really. Why?

8. Acting in Enterprise Car Rental Commercials
We appreciate that they’re saving money on actors so our rates are lower, but couldn’t they find anyone better than Nick from Accounting?

9. Production values on tragic news reports
“Ooh, this is going to be a bad story. Listen to that sad music. Wait for it...wait for it...here comes the...sound effect stinger. Yup. This one’s going to be tragic.”


Whew.

There.

We feel much better.

DIRTY OLD MEN

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern





It was the summer of our 40th birthday. A group of us (all turning 40) gathered in New Orleans to relive our glory years and pretend like we could still party like 20-somethings. It was just the guys. All wives were left behind in our respective home towns...all happily allowing their pathetic aging husbands go to New Orleans for three days of decadence.

And we were having a great time too. Unlike our youthful partying days, we even had a few dollars in our pockets to enjoy great meals in addition to the many, many, many drinks we were consuming. And though we started to feel younger simply by being back in a non-stop partying town, there was also one moment that made us face reality.

If you’ve never been to Bourbon Street, let’s just say that the way gals earn those cheap plastic beads is an eye-popping experience. It happens time and time again, often within a few feet of where you are standing. Right there. Slightly below eye level. Accompanied by a big smile.

“Hello fresh air,” parts of them say. “Yes it is a little cold out here.”

What we didn’t realize at the time is that the audience for these free shows is chosen for its non-threatening nature. They look for men with beads—standing far away, say on balconies—or for men close by who wouldn’t dream of being a problem...

We weren’t on balconies. We didn’t have beads. And we were given show after show after show without even requesting it.

Our suspicions were officially confirmed under direct cross-examination. One young lady seemed to be following us around, earning beads after beads from nearby balcony residents. One of us jokingly said to her...

“I guess you don’t have to worry about us, huh?”

“That’s for sure,” she said.

Ouch.

Of course, she’s absolutely correct. We’re beyond harmless. Even our internal fantasies end abruptly with thoughts of divorce court, splitting up our property, and waving goodbye to our children, our wives, and our lives.

On the other hand, that doesn’t mean we don’t notice things. We’re not dead. We’re only half-way there. Our eyes are still working reasonably well. What else do we notice?

*The Spanish Language channels
When we’re channel surfing, and we come to the Spanish language channels, we stop. We admit it. We don’t speak Spanish, and we can’t follow anything that is being said, yet we stop. It’s not for the soccer games.

*Elimi-Date
This show is so wrong. One man has five women fighting over him. These young trashy women are willing to say or do anything to the other women on the show in order to get their man. It’s demeaning to women. It teaches women all the wrong values. And we stop every time we’re flipping past it.

*Princesses
OK, this is going to sound sick, but someone has to admit this. All of the cartoon princesses, and we mean all of them, are easy on the eyes (and since they are of marrying age—all of them are legal too). Jasmine could have been the girl in New Orleans following us around—in fact she looked just like her. Cinderella cooks, cleans, and let’s face it, she’s a knockout. As for Snow White, she even sings while she cleans. And Sleeping Beauty...she has the word “Beauty” in her name—AND she would let us sleep in.

Is that all? No, of course not. There are many other examples of noticing things with our eyes, but let us explain how this works in the minds of dirty old men (at least in our case). It’s the same thing every time. There are really six steps.

1. Whoa, look at that.
2. Wow, can you imagine...
3. Stop it, sicko. You’re old enough to be her father.
4. Look at what you’ve done! Everything you’ve worked for, this wonderful loving family and wife—and you’re going to throw it all away for a princess?
5. Change the channel.
6. Ah, a sporting event.

Every time our wives come into the room and complain that we’re watching yet another sporting event, we just take the punishment. We deserve it, and they don’t even realize why. Because if they knew, they wouldn’t be complaining that we’re watching sporting events.

On the other hand, when the women suddenly sit down and watch the sporting events with us, they aren’t just marveling at the athletic ability of the soaring, powerful, muscle-bound, tank-top wearing basketball stars with big feet, are they? What did that last breathless “Oh My” really mean?

Where’s the remote? I think Elimi-Date is on channel 6.

APPLYING TO CO-HOST THE VIEW
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



As men in our 40s, we're due for a midlife crisis. This is the age that many men get a girlfriend or drastically alter their lives. Since we're not getting girlfriends (we would implode with self hate)--it looks like we'll have to drastically alter our lives. This is our first attempt...

A few weeks ago, just after Meredith Viera announced she was going to the Today Show, we sent the following e-mail to Barbara Walters at The View. Alas, she decided to go with a "name" and a "woman"--Rosie O'Donnell, and all we got back was a lousy form letter response. We'll break through one of these days...







Dear Ms. Walters:




Congratulations on the great success of The View.

We read with great interest about Meredith Viera’s impending departure from the show, and while we were grieved that she would no longer be one of the gals, we just know you and the producers will choose an excellent replacement.

We’re sure there have been hundreds if not thousands of applicants already, but we wanted to alert you to two candidates you might not know.

In our opinion, the perfect candidate for The View is well-educated, thoughtful, entertaining, intelligent, sexy, strong and feminine. We realize this is a little unorthodox, but we would like to nominate ourselves for this job, because both of us fit the bill so perfectly. In order to be a little less self-serving, we’ll nominate each other.

“I think Dave Stern would be the perfect replacement for Meredith Viera. I know, I know, he’s a man. However, he was nominated as ‘Fem of the Year’ by his classmates on the playground when he was young, and while he’s not attracted to men per se, he does have three daughters and will someday ‘closely examine’ the men who date them. He also throws like a girl. Dave is well-educated and intelligent—he has a masters degree in Advertising—and thoughtful. How many people do you know who call their mother every day to see if she’s OK? As for sexy, this man is a paper salesman. If that doesn’t ooze sex appeal, I don’t know what does.”
--Rick Kaempfer

“I think Rick Kaempfer would be the perfect replacement for Meredith Viera. Granted, he’s also a man. But you should feel how soft his hands are...they feel like a baby’s bottom. He’s also a stay at home Dad (three boys) who cooks and cleans. Isn’t that sexy? (Although just between you and me, the poor dear has kind of let himself go.) As for entertaining, he was in radio for twenty years. He even wrote a book called “The Radio Producer’s Handbook.” Think how great it would be to have a co-host that could help produce the show! As for intelligence, his sons are pretty smart, so even though his intelligence isn’t exactly ‘on the surface,’ it has to be in there somewhere or his boys wouldn’t be so smart.”
--Dave Stern

I know it will be difficult to choose between us, but please keep in mind that we aren’t competitive and won’t be offended if you choose only one of us. The other promises to remain a fan of the show.

Best regards,

Rick Kaempfer (choose me) & Dave Stern (choose me)



UPDATE: According to recent gossip, Star Jones may also be leaving the show soon. We have another letter ready to go--just in case.




Of course, another requirement of a mid-life crisis is complete and utter self-delusion. That's why we've decided to go ahead with the following plan: Please click here: http://www.petitiononline.com/thewho69/petition.html and sign our petition to have our faces included on Mount Rushmore. We already have 3 signatures.