MEDICAL SMALL TALK

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



When Rick mentioned an awkward small talk conversation he had with his urologist during his vasectomy procedure (Steve & Garry notebook), he was a little surprised at the reaction it received.

Apparently, this sort of thing happens to just about everyone. It may occur during vasectomies, but it happens at other equally embarrassing moments.

This column is for our friends in the medical profession. We know you do this sort of work every day so it’s no big deal to you. It’s only natural to lose sight of the fact that there are times when small talk is not appropriate.

We’re writing this as a gentle reminder.

A loyal reader (who begged us not to use his name) sent this to us. It’s his recollection (he called it a transcript) of a recent visit to the doctor’s office. He was there for a routine prostate exam.

At the doctor’s office

Doc: (while putting a rubber glove on his hand) Is your kid still taking piano lessons?

Patient: Yes, he really seems to like it.

Doc: (while putting lube on two fingers) Piano is almost the perfect musical instrument for kids. Once they get the basics of piano, they can move on to almost any other musical instrument after that. Please drop your pants and face the wall.

Patient: (while dropping pants and facing the wall) Yeah, I wish I stuck with my piano lessons when….

Doc: Can you spread your legs a little bit…

Patient: Sure….HELLO…when I was a kid.

Doc: (while checking prostate) My wife and I don’t have any kids but I’m a big believer in the piano.

Patient: Yeah….(grunt)…me too.

Doc: (while moving fingers around and squeezing prostate) Did you know that kids who naturally pick up the piano are usually pretty good at math, and kids that are pretty good at math are usually pretty good at piano?

Patient: Yeah….um….I….heard….(grunt)…that.

Doc: (while removing fingers) It’s really a mathematical process.

Patient: (exhaling) I guess so.

Doc: (while taking off his glove and tossing it in the garbage can) Are your kids good at math?

Patient: Yes…they…

Doc: You can pull your pants back up.

Patient: Oh, thanks. Yeah, they are pretty good at math. So…how did it turn out?

Doc: My wife and I both still play the piano.

Patient: (pointing at the garbage can) No, I mean…

Doc: Oh? It’s fine. No problems. You’re just getting older. Nothing to worry about.

Got any other examples of awkward small talk conversations during really embarrassing moments? We’d love to hear them. We promise not to reveal your name. Just click on the “E-mail me” link, and send in a transcript (as close as you can remember it) of your conversation.

Thinking of the Less Fortunate this Holiday Season

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





It’s seems like every columnist on the planet feels compelled to write a piece on helping the less fortunate this time of year. Since we don’t want to be labeled as insensitive and uncaring, here’s our obligatory sappy holiday column on helping mankind.

With all the worthwhile charities out there, it wasn’t easy picking the one we were going to support. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, neglected children and abused women are all worthy of our attention. Nevertheless, we decided to go in a different direction than the traditional causes. The disease we chose is rarely talked about. There are no Walkathons or celebrity spokespersons to raise money for the unfortunate afflicted. It’s time for us to step up.

We are talking about those poor souls that suffer from ATMDS (ATM Deficiency Syndrome). It’s very sad to watch these simple people trying to navigate the complex protocols that today’s ATM’s demand, especially when you’re waiting patiently behind them. If you haven't witnessed this heartbreaking malady, here a few things to consider.

1) There are two types of ATM machines: "Insert & Suck" and "Swipe." Sadly, sufferers of ATMDS have problems with both types. For the “insert and suck” machines, ATMDS sufferers panic if they can't find the slot. It's even worse with "Swipe" machines. ATMDS sufferers become paralyzed with fear at the mere sight of one.

(Hint to Sufferers: For the "insert and suck" machines, the slot is usually right around the big sign that says INSERT CARD HERE. Some machines will even have a little picture that looks remarkably like your card. Those nice signs will also tell you which way the card should be facing. If you come across a “swipe” machine, just get in your car and find an “insert and suck” machine. You will never ever ever ever ever ever master the quick in and out motion required.)

2) ATMDS sufferers simply cannot remember PIN numbers.

(Hint to sufferers: Tattoo your PIN number right on your freakin arm. Please. In fact, we will pay for the tattoo. If you don’t want the tattoo thing, or you want to choose your number, please pick a number that you have a snowball's chance in hell of remembering...like say, your hourly wage.)

3) ATMDS sufferers have great difficulty planning ahead.

(Hint to sufferers: If you’re going to make a deposit, fill out the little envelope and endorse the checks BEFORE YOU GO TO THE MACHINE. Also, assume that the little pen at the bank is either going to be stolen or out of ink. And no, we don’t have a pen you can borrow. You see, we filled out all the appropriate paper work before we even went to the machine. Crazy huh?)

4) ATMDS sufferers are overwhelmed by the interactive options.

(Hint to Sufferers: There are usually only two language options…English and Spanish. If you only speak Polish or Klingon you’re out of luck. Hide your Euros and Darseks under your mattresses for our sake, OK?)

5) ATMDS sufferers have overactive finger smudge glands, creating horribly smudged finger-mosaics all over the screen.

(Hint to Sufferers: Use the key pad. If you don’t, we will personally lift your prints using techniques from CSI, and plant those grubby little piggy’s on a murder weapon.)

6) ATMDS sufferers cannot remember to take their card after use.

(Hint to Sufferers: On second thought, don’t tattoo your pin number on your arm, just write it on your card. We’ll make sure you get it back.)

There is something about the holidays that brings out the best in most of us. If you suffer from ATMDS, or know someone who does, please send us a check or money order. Until an actual charity is founded for these pour souls, we'll keep that money in an interest-bearing account.

Plus, we'll make you a promise. If you’re standing behind us at the ATM while we’re depositing your generous contributions, we won't make you wait.

POLITICAL ADVERTISING OVERLOAD

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



It may be different in your state, but here in Illinois the negative political ads are on the air every second of every day, and it’s really starting to affect the citizens.


Overheard in traffic

Woman: You can get in the next lane. It’s moving.

Man: I’m staying the course.

Woman: But this lane is at a standstill.

Man: I will not cut and run.

Woman: But see that orange flashing light up there…this lane closes in five hundred feet. We need to change course.

Man: What kind of a message would that send to the troops repaving this highway?

Woman: How about we will not run you over?

Man: You’ll never understand.



Overheard in a couple’s master bathroom

Man: Honey, can you hand me the toothpaste?

Woman: Ray Miller is always looking for a handout.

Man: What? I just want to brush my teeth.

Woman: Ray Miller. Wrong for America. Wrong for my toothpaste.




Overheard in a child’s bedroom

Son: Mom, can I play on my Gameboy?

Mom: Have you finished your math homework?

Son: My opponent, Mrs. Nosenfunk, thinks that the only way to solve a problem, is to study it forever. The American people want action, not constant study.

Mom: Try this action…do your homework.



Overheard in the family room

Daughter: Dad, can you flip it to MTV?

Dad: The baseball game is on.

Daughter: Aren’t you tired of the same old empty promises? They don’t have a plan for victory.

Dad: Um…

Daughter: This year when you hold the remote, hold it accountable. It’s time for a change.

Dad: I’m not giving you the remote.



Overheard in an office

Worker: Boss, are you surfing the internet? I thought the Employee Manual said that…

Boss: I issued a signing statement.

Worker: A what?

Boss: A signing statement. That means I don’t have to follow the rules, only you do.

Worker: But that’s not fair.

Boss: War isn’t fair. I’m the Commander-in-Chief, and as long as we’re at war with ACME Corp., I have to have all the tools I need to win.

Worker: But you’re reading The Onion.

Boss: Until further notice you will be detained in your cubicle.



It’s like this everywhere now. Please, please, let this election cycle end. We can’t stand it for another moment.

We’re Half Empty and we approved this message.

NINE FINE SUPERMARKET WHINES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

For instance, we have nine fine whines to get you started. All of these are served in the supermarket.


1. Bagger or cashier small talk
Here’s the drill: we’re buying the stool softener for our wives. Capice? It's not a conversation starter, it's a conversation ender.


2. Understocked Kid Shopping Carts
You know those cool shopping carts that are shaped like fire trucks or police cars? Well it would be helpful if you had more than ONE. Our screaming toddlers don't understand the logic of having only one in the store and neither do we.


3. Extra-Value Products
Don’t ask us to buy some “extra value” product at the checkout. We’re smart enough to know that you’re just trying to move old inventory. Gee, who would have thought the mushroom flavored gum wouldn’t sell? And while the Peach-Mint Pop Tarts look yummy, we'll just pass thank you very much.


4. Deli-Counter Judging
We shouldn't have to acknowledge the irony when we're ordering three pounds of low-fat hard salami. Just get it. Yes, we realize that nobody else orders the head cheese, but it's not necessary to tell everyone standing behind us. We don't appreciate the snickers when we order the pickled herring, either. You work at a deli counter. There should be no such thing as a ridiculous meat order.


5. Half-Empty Bags of Chips
OK, so the cost of chips has only gone up slightly in the past few years, but apparently the cost of air is going through the roof. Put some damn chips in the bag.


6. This is not the arctic
We’re not penguins; you don’t have to keep the store at 15 degrees in the summer. We didn't bring our parkas.


7. The "We card everyone under 40" sign
It's impossible not to take that sign personally when we never get carded. Yes, we know we are technically over 40, but there's no way you could tell that by looking at us. We look exactly the same as we did in college.


8. Self Checkout Lanes That Actually work
When we use those self serve checkout lanes we’re doing it to avoid human contact. So, it would be helpful if every time we used them there wouldn’t be some issue that needed a clerk’s attention.

9. Oversized produce baggies
I could fit five watermelons in these bags. How about a normal size plastic bag for someone that doesn't need to buy produce for an entire football stadium crowd?


If you have any others to add to our list, feel free to contribute by clicking on the word "comments" below. All comments are sent to Rick's e-mail directly and he prints the best ones in Friday's column.

Nine Ways To Attract A Man
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





Every time we go to the supermarket, we’re blown away by the headlines on the women’s magazines by the checkout counter.

This is just a sampling of the headlines we wrote down on a recent excursion...
=What guys notice: 20 things that turn their heads
=How to master the seven essential sex styles
=Are you good in bed? Take our quiz.
=His & Hers summer sex confessions
=Double your pleasure with these sexcercises
=Pssst. 100 secrets his body wants you to know
=12 little tricks to steam up your love life
=The sex he craves

The target audience for these magazines is 18-34 year old females. Correct us if we’re wrong, but is there a single female in that age bracket having a hard time exciting the man in her life?

Maybe it’s just because we’re not in that target age group anymore, and maybe it’s because we’re both married and not looking, but if it helps stop these pointless articles, we are prepared to break the “man code” and reveal the truth to young women everywhere.

There are exactly nine ways to attract a man. Follow these simple rules, and we guarantee success.

1. Have a Pulse
Not having a pulse is a notorious turn-off for men. On the other hand, women who have a pulse have an excellent chance of attracting some male interest. There’s no need to flaunt it. We can sense it. Call it male intuition.

2. Breathe
Are you breathing? Excellent. This is another one of our stringent requirements. On the other hand, those of us who know CPR are sometimes willing to suspend this rule temporarily.

3. Be conscious
This is important. Remember that the conscious girl has many advantages over the unconscious girl, and shouldn’t hesitate to capitalize on those advantages.

4. Be unconscious
On the other hand, men are not into “judging” you based on your state of consciousness. We’re much more open-minded than women think.

5. Have most of the “girl body parts”
We aren’t so crass as to expect you to have all of the girl body parts, but if you have most of them, you’ll find your odds of snagging a man improves dramatically.

6. Be Nearby
You know the old phrase “out of sight, out of mind?” It’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are nearby.

7. Be Far Away
You know the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” That’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are far away.

8. Speak
If your vocal chords are working and you can string together various words, phrases and/or grunts in our general direction, consider yourself an object of interest. It doesn’t matter what language you speak.

9. Don’t speak
On the other hand, silence is golden. A woman who is mute, doesn’t have vocal chords, or chooses not to use them has an excellent chance at turning the head of any man.


We hope you ladies appreciate how much trouble we can get into at the next “man meeting” for revealing the nine rules. These deeply guarded secrets are completely unknown to the editors of every women’s magazine in America.

Please, we urge you, use this information wisely.

NINE FINE POLITICAL WHINES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

For instance, we have nine fine whines to get you started. All of these are served in the political arena.

1. “Partisan”
Whenever we hear someone like Ted Kennedy or Dick Cheney ripping the other party for partisan politics, we laugh out loud. Apparently mirrors are unavailable for purchase in Washington D.C.

2. “Hypocrite”
If you accuse someone of being hypocritical because he is using the exact opposite argument he used previously, and yet you disagreed with him both times, there’s a minor flaw in your own argument.

3. Staying on Message
When everyone in your party (and both parties do this now) says the same thing, using the exact same words, that is incredibly creepy. Maybe we can elect robots and program them.

4. “Treason”
The punishment for treason is death. If that’s the way you really feel, then go ahead and use the word, but we think you should forever be referred to this way: “Joe Schmo, who has called for the execution of his political enemies, said this today…”

5. Party Mascots
The mascot for the Democrats is the ass. Nice choice. The mascot for the Republicans is the elephant; the animal that produces more excrement than any other animal. Nice choice. Why not just abandon subtlety altogether and go with the weasel and the snake?

6. Staged Photo Op
Every element of your appearance is managed; from the hand-picked crowd that is told when to cheer and applaud, to the focus-group tested slogan emblazoned on the elaborately designed backdrop, to the pre-approved script, and….how are you different from Hollywood again?

7. “Nazi”
Decide for yourself if this label is getting out of hand. The following debates on the Senate floor all involved at least one Senator comparing someone on the other side to Nazis: Terry Shiavo, gun control, global warming, the threat of filibuster, immigration, and we’re not kidding here…Social Security. And the Senate is the polite house of Congress. At least they preface the charge with “My dear friend and colleague.”


8. James Carville's Diction
It's not exactly Cajun, and it's not exactly human. Are we the only ones who can't understand a word that man is saying?

9. “The Elite”
We love the use of this term by the people elected to national office, who are by their very definition “America’s Elite.” Maybe this is where we can build a foundation of agreement—when they say that “the elite” is out of touch with “real Americans,” there shouldn’t be anyone in this country who disagrees with that position.

NINE FINE SPORTS WHINES
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern







You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

Today we’re serving nine fine sports whines.


1. ESPN Scroll
Women's softball should never, and we repeat never, be listed on the news-flash scroll at the bottom of the ESPN screen. Anyone who wants to know a women's softball score attended the game. Let's take it easy on the tennis scores too, please. Geez, I wonder if the #27 seed beat the #73 seed in the first round of the Greater Australian Virginia Slims/American Airlines Open?

2. Baseball Rainouts
Oh, boo hoo. It's raining! Call the game! We're going to get wet! Players in every other team sport (including soccer) will play in a hailstorm, but baseball players act like they are wearing suede.

3. Baseball Fights
Say what you want about the punch Michael Barrett threw at A.J. Pierzynski, but at least it was a real punch. Baseball fights usually look like the fight over the last creampuff at the sorority social.

4. The little white dot on the top of the baseball helmet
The little button on the top of a baseball cap is hard enough to explain (what does it do?), but to actually paint a button on the top of a helmet seems completely ridiculous.

5. The Dog Show on ESPN
Fellas, please give us a break here. Unless the fat old lady running next to the poodle has to jump over hurdles or is about to get tackled by a 300 lb. lineman, this belongs on a chick channel.

6. The last 30 seconds of a basketball game
Is there a wife out there who hasn't been burned by "There's only thirty seconds left in the game--we can go as soon as it's over"? The last thirty seconds of a college basketball game actually take longer than the first 39 minutes and 30 seconds. Why not just play the last thirty seconds?

7. Cellphone waving yahoos
Let us get this straight. You paid over $100 to get the best seat in the house so that you could wave to your buddies on television? You obviously have too much discretionary income. Please send each of us a check immediately.

8. Athletes in cameo roles on TV
Willie Mays would never know Donna Reed. Don Drysdale would never know Mike Brady. Joe Montana would never know Al Bundy. The only realistic athlete cameo would have been on the West Wing, and they were smart enough not to do it.

9. U.S. Cellular Field Condiment Dispensers
Granted, this one is really only for those of us in Chicago, but can anyone explain why the "Ketchup" label is written in yellow while the "Mustard" label is written in red? How many games have been ruined by the sacreligious act of accidentally putting ketchup on a hot dog?

NINE FINE TELEVISION WHINES
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

Today we’re serving nine fine television whines.

1. Labeling something as a “Reenactment”
“Honey, look! They have film of George Washington crossing the Delaware! Oh...never mind. I didn’t see the graphic on the bottom of the screen there. It’s a reenactment.”

2. Joan Cusack, Rita Cosby & Ryan Seacrest
Joan Cusack’s contorted face on those cell-phone commercials is like a dagger in our eyes. Rita Cosby’s voice sounds like she gargling with razorblades while smoking. And Ryan Seacrest’s career is the most inexplicable American phenomenon since John Davidson. We’re hoping he’ll have similar staying power.

3. The volume on cable television ads.
We’re both wearing casts on our volume-control thumb from switching it back and forth during the commercials. LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft. Aarrrgh.

4. Yes, we see you! You’re on TV!
Like, that was so cool. The TV reporter was talking about the grisly crime scene details, and you were like, so totally hopping up and down behind him. We saw your Megadeth t-shirt! Did you TIVO it?

5. And they’re worried about the content of the shows?
The FCC may be fining television networks for objectionable content in their shows, but they obviously aren’t watching the commercials. Any commercial that talks about a four hour erection shouldn’t be on TV. Any commercial featuring a mother and daughter talking about douching shouldn’t be on TV. Any commercial that mentions “loose stool” shouldn’t be on TV. Please, we beg you.

6. Post-Speech Coverage
“Joining us now to give analysis of the politician’s speech is the best man at his wedding--the godfather of his child--and the man who wrote the speech. What did you think of the speech? And next to him is the sworn enemy of the politician, a man who has written eight books criticizing everything the politician has ever said or done. What did you think of the speech?”

7. Traffic reports on television
Why? No, really. Why?

8. Acting in Enterprise Car Rental Commercials
We appreciate that they’re saving money on actors so our rates are lower, but couldn’t they find anyone better than Nick from Accounting?

9. Production values on tragic news reports
“Ooh, this is going to be a bad story. Listen to that sad music. Wait for it...wait for it...here comes the...sound effect stinger. Yup. This one’s going to be tragic.”


Whew.

There.

We feel much better.

NINE FINE RESTAURANT WHINES














By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

For instance, we have nine fine whines to get you started. All of these are served in restaurants.


1. Musicians at Mexican Restaurants
The only thing more unsettling than a man strumming a guitar five inches from your face while you’re trying to eat a burrito is a man standing five inches from your face singing a song in a language you don’t understand while you’re trying to eat a burrito. We don’t need the atmosphere, we need the burrito.

2. Smiley Faces
The actual smiley face logo is irritating enough, but when it’s drawn on a check by a waitress? Hey, Cindi, Jenni and Brittani (they all end in “i” don’t they?), stop wasting your time drawing smiley faces and get us our patty melts. And listen, the dot above an “i” is even called a dot. You can’t draw a face on a dot.

3. Steaks
A steak is made of beef. Period. When you start calling something a tofu-steak, you’ve officially crossed the line.


4. Egg Rolls
To all the Thai Restaurants that call spring rolls, “egg rolls;” here’s the drill: ”Egg Rolls” are big, tasty, and deep-fried, while “Spring Rolls” well um…suck.



5. Restaurant Restrooms
Look, we understand you’re trying to be delicate here, but there’s not a person in the world that rests in this room—especially in public. Can’t we call this room what it really is, or will that upset the civility of our nation? Also, we know that you’re an ethnic restaurant and therefore think it’s cute to label these doors in the language of the food you’re serving, but consider this: If we’re desperate enough to actually use public toilets, we may not have the few extra moments it takes to figure out which room is for us. Try these words out: “Men” and “Women.” Got it, Monsieur?


6. The Table Closest to the Smoking Section
If one table is in the smoking section, the table right next to it can’t be in the non-smoking section. You might not realize this, but smoke has a tendency to move in the air—and sometimes it moves even more than a foot or two. We’re trying to inhale our schnitzels not your tar.

7. Small, Medium, Large
Those are the only acceptable sizes. This isn’t just a grievance against the biggest and most obvious violator of this rule; Starbucks. Go to a Burger King sometime and ask for a small drink. Their smallest size is medium. Listen, pal—if it’s your smallest size, then it’s called small.

8. Fast Food is called that for a reason
Special orders may not upset the restaurants, but they reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally upset the people in line behind you. We’re not going to a fast food restaurant because of the high quality food; we’re going because we want something fast. It’s the most important word in the phrase “Fast Food.” When you order something off the menu that they have to make special, you’re no longer eating fast food. You’re eating slow food. But more importantly, you're making us eat slow food...and that makes us cranky.


9. Dress Codes
Does it really upset the gentleman at another table that we’re wearing sneakers under our damn table where he can’t even see them? Are we getting silverware tonight, or will we be eating this dinner with our shirt collars? We don’t know if you realize this, but something like 80% of all restaurants fail. If there are empty tables and you don’t let us in because we’re wearing the wrong shoes or shirt, we wish you the total and absolute failure you deserve.


Whew.


See what we mean? A little “whine” can really relax you after a long day of work or play. Try it yourself.