MOVIE RENTAL TIPS FOR WIVES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Whenever the Oscars come around we are reminded of two things.

1) No one has the right to wear shoes worth more than the combined worth of our two homes.
2) Our only hope of seeing a movie we actually want to see is by uttering the following phrase: "I'll go to Blockbuster, thanks."

Our wives often volunteer to run this errand for us, but history shows that they are completely unable to choose a film worth watching. Most DVD boxes have gigantic flashing red lights saying "DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE!", but our wives don't see those lights.

We figured that our wives may not be the only wives that don't see the lights, so we've volunteered to spell it out more clearly on behalf of husbands everywhere. No need to thank us. This is another free service of Half Empty.

Ladies--when you see the following types of movies, keep walking...

Disease Movies -
A movie about cancer? DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. Do you really consider this appropriate Saturday evening relaxation? In fact, any and all life threatening illnesses are not acceptable. Consider this one of the golden rules of movie renting. The only exception to this rule is if the film is based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers. Now that’s a disease movie.

“Period” Pieces –
1) If the words “Victorian England” are found anywhere on the box, step away from the movie immediately. If for some reason you didn’t bring your glasses or you're having trouble reading the fine print, if the cover has a woman wearing a foofy dress or carrying a parasol: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE.
2) If the movie stars Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Dench or Ralph (prounced “Raif”, what a blowhard) Fiennes: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. By the way, Meryl Streep is this/close to getting put on the list.

Triumph of the Human Spirit Movies –
He has no arms and legs and becomes a great painter. Very impressive, but...DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. We’re really not interested, thanks for asking. Don’t get us wrong, we think it’s inspiring when the guy with no arms and legs becomes a great painter. It's just that we have fully-functioning limbs and can't spread cream cheese on a bagel without cutting ourselves--and we really don't need the limbless painter rubbing that in our faces.


Foreign Films –
Wow, you really don’t know your husbands at all, do you? If we wanted to read a book we wouldn’t have rented a movie. The only acceptable movie with subtitles is Airplane. The only acceptable movies with accents must contain the words, “Monty Python’s” in the title. However, if the movie contains a sticker with the words: "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17," we will probably relax the no foreign film rule.


Black and White Films –
Three Stooges, OK. Everything else, not so much.

Breakfast at Tiffany's –
DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE! We know, we know, Holly Golightly is the craziest heroine ever. She also never shuts up, and she never makes any sense. If she was one of your friends, we would beg you never to invite her to our home.

Movies about dancing–
Have you noticed that we’ve never taken you dancing and that we flop-sweat at weddings? Here’s a little secret, WE HATE DANCING. We don't like doing it, and we really don't like watching it. That means we hate musicals, too. The only exception is a musical about Hitler written by Mel Brooks.

See how simple this is?

Please keep these simple rules in mind next time you choose a movie, and you won't have to put up with us snoring through another one of your picks.

Unless, of course, that was your intention in the first place.

Responses to "Renewing of Marriage Vows"


"Ha ha ha, pretty funny! My husband and I are celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary in Las Vegas in May! Can't wait. Considering a Elvis vow renewal ceremony so this would fit right in. Thanks for the post and the laugh!"
--A

"My wife and I loved your marriage renewal column. Totally the anti-Valentine's Day with love, if that's possible."
--R

"You dudes are cynical. Love it."
--O

"We're really gonna use these. Our anniversary is in three weeks and we're going to Hawaii--and I convinced my husband to do it--but only if we use sarcastic vows like this. Thanks!"
--S

"thats totally my parents. oh lord they have been married 20+ years. its only
gonna get worse. hahahaha i cant wait!"
--T

"love the pushing the crumbs under the fridge bit"
--C

"i laughed out loud! zomg!!"
--B

Rick and Dave respond: Thanks. Um...can we have a translator help us on that last one?

RENEWING YOUR WEDDING VOWS

By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern



Here’s a question for you lovebirds who have been married for a long time: Have you renewed your vows yet?

If you haven’t, you might be a little surprised at the refreshing honesty expressed during the renewal vows these days. They use an entirely different script than they used for the original vows.

Your good friends at Half Empty have managed to acquire a copy. We’re printing the script here so that you can mentally prepare yourself for the big day.

RENEWAL OF MARRIAGE VOWS FOR COUPLES MARRIED MORE THAN TEN YEARS

Clergy: Do you (insert husband’s name), promise to… step over the laundry basket instead of carrying it up the stairs, wipe up spills with your socks, use the imaginary brakes when she drives, never replace a toilet paper roll, push crumbs under the fridge rather than pick them up, pretend to listen with an uncanny ability to nod at the appropriate times, remember nothing—ever, never find anything even if it’s in front of your face, buy less than 70% of the items on your grocery list, mix all colors and wash everything in warm, pretend like you’re asleep when she wants to talk, think that twelve hours of television a day is an appropriate amount for a four year old, and expend the minimum amount of effort on everything you do every single day….as long as you both shall live?

Husband: I do.

Clergy: And do you (insert wife’s name), promise to…leave an unsaid ‘dumbass’ at the end of every sentence with the tone of your voice, have a strong opinion on literally every subject, roll your eyes within two seconds of him opening his mouth, break every traffic law when you drive—even for short distances, pick the absolutely worst movie every time you go to Blockbuster, think that ballroom dance and yoga classes would be a fun couple’s activity, make snide comments about his appearance, yearn for more culture in your life, restack the dishwasher every single time he does it, expect him to tolerate your bad moods while cutting him no slack ever for his bad moods, and point out that he is doing everything the ‘wrong’ way every single day…as long as you both shall live?

Wife: I do.

Clergy: Wow. Well, then, I guess you really are man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Husband & Wife: Is that really necessary?

Clergy: OK, you may now go to your separate televisions.

Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.

Cue the music: “Trading Spaces” and “Monday Night Football” (at the same time)

A show of hands: Who has a tear in his or her eye right now?

What can we say? We do too.

I guess we’re all just hopeless romantics.






Do Rick and Dave have even more love to share today?

Why yes we do.


Look, we don't like to brag, but we know a thing or two about love.

On this Valentine's Day, we're not just going to give you one measly column to help your love life. No sir. Today, we'll give you 4 more.

True love--4 ever.

Are you a wife looking for harmony in your relationship? This column is for you: 10 Questions you should never ask your husband

Are you a boyfriend or husband, desperately trying to understand your woman? This column is for you: Quiz: How well do you understand your woman?

Are you a woman who really wants to attract a man? Boy, have you come to the right place. This column is for you: 9 Ways to Attract a Man

Are you a husband who wants to be able to make your wife laugh again? We've been there, buddy. This column is for you: 10 things a husband can say to make his wife laugh

Are you a husband or wife who doesn't want to overpay for a nice romantic dinner at a restaurant tonight? Sorry. We're love counselors, not miracle workers.

Wedding Registry Tips

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



Both of us are coming up on big anniversaries this year (15 years), and we’ve been waxing nostalgic about those halcyon days. Young, free, not a care in the world. Ready, willing and able to spend the rest of our lives with the same woman.

Neither of us regrets it for a second. We wouldn't change a thing.

On the other hand, we wouldn't do it again for all the tea in China.

Planning a wedding isn't exactly a great experience. Inevitably some trivial disagreement will blow up into something legendary. For Rick it was a big argument with his mother about the color of the napkins at the reception. If you ever run into Dave and his wife, mention their wedding photographer and sparks will fly. Let's face it, everyone has something about his or her wedding that was a complete disaster.

The only wedding experience that we'd repeat is registering for gifts. Registering for wedding gifts can be very exciting because it doesn’t seem real...

“You mean all I have to do is write this item down on a piece of paper and I’ll get it?”

Yup. That’s a heck of a deal for the bride and groom. Enjoy it. We enjoyed it so much, we'd do it all over again. But this time we'd do it right.

Brides and grooms should take a little more time thinking about whether or not they’ll really need some of these things before they write them down on the list. Trust us, some of those things that look good on the Crate & Barrel shelf will never be used in real life. Ever. Others may be used, but give us a break, do you really need them?

Think of your guests. They are shelling out good money for these gifts. Don’t make them waste their hard earned money getting you completely useless and unnecessary items.

Here’s a helpful list to avoid.

1) Fine China

In a good year, you’ll use these fancy dishes maybe twice. In a good year. And a typical place setting goes for $150 or so. If you get ten place settings, do the math. You might as well take that $1500 and spend the weekend in Vegas. At least you’ll have good memories. $1500 worth of unused china stored in your china cabinet is the most wasteful thing in your home. Wait…check that. Do a price check on the gravy boat sometime. A typical gravy boat will cost more than a place setting. It’s a bowl that pours gravy. Seriously. Who are you trying to impress? Your boss? Who actually invites his boss to dinner? Unless you’re a hopeless kiss-ass, you’ll want to stay as far away from your boss as possible.



2) Silverware

We’re not talking about the regular fork, knife, spoon set that you’ll use every day, we’re talking about the expensive set that sits in your china cabinet and only comes out twice a year when the china comes out. The expensive set really doesn’t look any different than your regular set, and it doesn’t cut or pick up food any better either. Throw in the salad forks, and you have a clear case of needless utensil duplication. We’ve discovered that people are completely capable of using one fork for their entire dinner, and not only that, they do it every day of their lives. Who are you trying to impress? Your parents? It’s impossible to impress people who once had to wipe your bottom. Give it up.



3) Bedding

Yes, you need a fitted sheet to cover the mattress. Yes, you need a blanket to keep warm. It helps to have a backup of each. Everything else is completely unnecessary. What does the flat sheet do besides get in the way and add to the bed-making headache? Throw pillows? They are so-named because they're always in the way and you have to throw them out of your way. What about duvets? The purpose of a duvet is…um…well…hell, we have no idea what it does. It’s totally unnecessary.



4) Bathroom accoutrements

Decorative soaps aren’t that decorative and aren’t that soapy. Why display them? Really. We mean it. Why? Potpourri is nothing more than a couple of sweet smelling twigs next to the toilet. Hear that sound? That’s the sound of your wedding guests flushing their hard earned money down that same sweet smelling toilet.

Of course there are many other items that are a matter of personal taste. If you really think you need an edger to manicure your lawn like a putting green, be our guest. If you really think you need a fancy letter opener (maybe you have ten broken fingers for instance), have it at. A fancy bookmark instead of a piece of scrap paper, fine—you may be reading a book made out of gold.

All we ask is that you don’t start checking things off without thinking about them first.

And, by the way, when your wife asks you to decide between two items, ask her which one she likes better and pick the same one. You don’t really care anyway.

Do you?

Nine Ways To Attract A Man
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





Every time we go to the supermarket, we’re blown away by the headlines on the women’s magazines by the checkout counter.

This is just a sampling of the headlines we wrote down on a recent excursion...
=What guys notice: 20 things that turn their heads
=How to master the seven essential sex styles
=Are you good in bed? Take our quiz.
=His & Hers summer sex confessions
=Double your pleasure with these sexcercises
=Pssst. 100 secrets his body wants you to know
=12 little tricks to steam up your love life
=The sex he craves

The target audience for these magazines is 18-34 year old females. Correct us if we’re wrong, but is there a single female in that age bracket having a hard time exciting the man in her life?

Maybe it’s just because we’re not in that target age group anymore, and maybe it’s because we’re both married and not looking, but if it helps stop these pointless articles, we are prepared to break the “man code” and reveal the truth to young women everywhere.

There are exactly nine ways to attract a man. Follow these simple rules, and we guarantee success.

1. Have a Pulse
Not having a pulse is a notorious turn-off for men. On the other hand, women who have a pulse have an excellent chance of attracting some male interest. There’s no need to flaunt it. We can sense it. Call it male intuition.

2. Breathe
Are you breathing? Excellent. This is another one of our stringent requirements. On the other hand, those of us who know CPR are sometimes willing to suspend this rule temporarily.

3. Be conscious
This is important. Remember that the conscious girl has many advantages over the unconscious girl, and shouldn’t hesitate to capitalize on those advantages.

4. Be unconscious
On the other hand, men are not into “judging” you based on your state of consciousness. We’re much more open-minded than women think.

5. Have most of the “girl body parts”
We aren’t so crass as to expect you to have all of the girl body parts, but if you have most of them, you’ll find your odds of snagging a man improves dramatically.

6. Be Nearby
You know the old phrase “out of sight, out of mind?” It’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are nearby.

7. Be Far Away
You know the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” That’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are far away.

8. Speak
If your vocal chords are working and you can string together various words, phrases and/or grunts in our general direction, consider yourself an object of interest. It doesn’t matter what language you speak.

9. Don’t speak
On the other hand, silence is golden. A woman who is mute, doesn’t have vocal chords, or chooses not to use them has an excellent chance at turning the head of any man.


We hope you ladies appreciate how much trouble we can get into at the next “man meeting” for revealing the nine rules. These deeply guarded secrets are completely unknown to the editors of every women’s magazine in America.

Please, we urge you, use this information wisely.

10 Questions You Should Never Ask Your Husband

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



A few weeks ago we shared some of our vast knowledge of women to help the younger generation avoid the many mistakes that we’ve made over the years. Many women wrote to us to say that we were on the money with our assessments, and really appreciated our gentle jabbing of our fellow man.

Think about this: as well as we understand women, we understand men even better. Especially married men.

That’s why we present this common sense advice for the wives of America to help them better understand and appreciate their husbands. Follow our advice and you’ll find that many, if not all, of the arguments in your marriage will disappear immediately. No need to thank us. It’s a public service.

There really is only one simple rule that all wives should adhere to: Don’t Ask Too Many Questions. Most problems start here. Simply eliminate the following ten questions from your daily life and enjoy your newfound serenity.

1) What you are thinking about?

When you see us looking pensive, seemingly pondering the mysteries of life, you can’t help yourself, can you? You simply have to know what we’re thinking about. When we say “nothing,” you think we must be harboring some deep dark secret. Actually, no. We’re thinking about nothing. We can really do that. In fact, we do it all the time.

2) Are you really going to wear that shirt?

What was your first tip off? The fact that we PUT IT ON OUR TORSO?

3) How do you like my new haircut?

We hate it. It’s true. We always hate your haircuts at first because we don’t like change. Within a few weeks we won’t want you to change it again. Ask us then.

4) Are you using my bath gel and conditioner?

First off, do you really want to know? Second, since when is indulging in an energizing body cleanser with natural fruit extracts a crime? If we can’t be free to gently wash away impurities without the drying effects of soap, the terrorists have won. Also, bald(ing) guys like to revitalize every chance they get, cut us some slack.

5) When will this game be over?

We don’t have control over that. If we did, we would be on the phone to the dugout whenever we could. “Um, listen, Ozzie, if you don’t mind, tell your guys to swing at a few more pitches. The wife is getting restless.”


6) What do you mean by, “It’s Fine”?

When we say, “It’s Fine” it means that it’s fine. Some things are better left unsaid. If you make tofu egg salad and ask us what we think; if we answer “It’s Fine,” please just drop it. If you think we can determine that there was too much Anise or not enough Arrowroot Powder, you don’t even know who we are.


7) Does the baby have a full diaper?

Look, we love you, and we love this child, but the only way we’ll ever answer this question honestly is if we suddenly leave the room for no apparent reason. Then you have your answer.


8) Do you want me to drive?

The answer to this question is always “NO.” Period. It’s not that we don’t like the way you drive...although, wow, you really can’t drive, can you? Don’t worry, you have other good qualities.


9) What did I just say?

This kind of “gotcha” game isn’t becoming to an intellectual like you. Are you implying that we weren’t listening? Well, that’s just insulting. Now go on with your monologue. We were captivated.



10) Which paint do you like better for the family room, egg shell 212 or egg shell 311?

WE DON”T CARE. You know why? Because there is no difference! If you show us two swatches and we point to one and say, “that one,” it’s because we’re hoping beyond all hope that that’s the one you like. If it’s not, just pick the one you like. We’re not going to know the difference.

Quiz: How well do you understand your woman?
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




It’s really not fair. Women’s magazines have all sorts of quizzes for women to test themselves. They can find out if their relationship will last, if they are compatible with their spouse, and if they are definitely going out with a loser. They can find out if they are fat, if they are getting good bargains, or if their man will think they are fat and spending too much money.

What about us?

Where are our quizzes?

Your good friends at Half Empty have come through for you again. Today we’re offering our first quiz. As men with a significant amount of experience with women (ahem), we’re certainly qualified to administer this quiz. Be sure to add up your points at the end of the quiz and see how well you understand your woman.


1. When you ask your woman if something’s wrong, and she screams “NOTHING’S WRONG! STOP ASKING ME THAT!” What does she really mean?
A) Nothing’s wrong. Stop asking me that.
B) Want a sandwich?
C) Of course something is wrong, pinhead. I’m not going to tell you what is, but if you don’t figure it out, you will wish you were never born.


2. When you tell your woman you’re going out with the guys if it’s OK with her, and she replies: “Do what you want.” What does she really mean?
A) Do what you want.
B) If you stay home I’ll make it worth your while.
C) I will never, ever, let you forget about this.


3. When your woman says to you—“You seem a little overly frisky tonight,” what does she really mean?
A) You seem a little overly frisky tonight.
B) Stop being so subtle; it’s go-time.
C) Hose it down, Romeo—it’s not happening tonight no matter how hard you try.


4. When your woman says to you—“This kitchen is driving me crazy,” what does she really mean?
A) This kitchen is driving me crazy.
B) Who wants a sandwich?
C) Get me a new house.


5. When you ask your woman if her engagement ring is big enough, and she replies: “It’s not the size of the diamond, it’s the size of the heart.” What does she really mean?
A) It’s not the size of the diamond, it’s the size of the heart.
B) Do not, under any circumstances, upgrade the size of my diamond.
C) If size really mattered, would I still be with you?


6. When your woman says: “It’s your decision,” what does she really mean?
A) It’s your decision
B) I will always do what my man wants me to do.
C) The correct decision should be obvious by now, and if you get it wrong, I’ll be sure to let you know.


7. When your woman asks: “Do I look fat in this?” What does she really mean?
A) Do I look fat in this?
B) Look at my behind. Does that give you any ideas?
C) I hate you.


8. When your woman says, “We need to talk more,” what does she really mean?
A) We need to talk more.
B) I’m feeling a little frisky; it’s your move, Romeo.
C) You better start agreeing with everything I say.


9. When your woman says “I’ll be ready any minute,” what does she really mean?
A) I’ll be ready any minute.
B) Go make yourself a sandwich, you look a little hungry.
C) We are going to be very, very late.


10. When your woman says “Isn’t this baby adorable?” What does she really mean?
A) Isn’t this baby adorable?
B) Aren’t you glad we don’t have one?
C) Take out a loan, pal, we’re building an addition.


Answer Key: Give yourself zero (“0”) points for every question you answered “A”. Give yourself five (“5”) points for every question you answered “B”. Give yourself ten (“10”) points for every question you answered “C”. Count up your points and see how well you know your woman.

0-10 points
You don’t really have a woman, do you?

10-50 points
You may or may not know your woman. You apparently are in desperate need of a sandwich and/or a release. After you get that, try to take the quiz again.

50-80 points
Your woman is probably only mad at you a few days a week. Life would be so much easier if you had a triple digit IQ.

80-100 points
Congratulations. You know your woman very well. Welcome to middle age. Don’t you wish you could have known this stuff twenty years ago? Think of how many needless headaches you could have avoided.

10 THINGS A HUSBAND CAN SAY TO MAKE HIS WIFE LAUGH

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




The following is the natural comedic arc of a relationship between a man and a woman.

1. She falls in love with you because you make her laugh.
2. She marries you.
3. She begins to roll her eyes.
4. She begs you not to tell a joke again.
5. She intentionally ruins your punch lines at cocktail parties.
6. She only loves you when you're serious.
7. She says "When will you grow up?"

Ah, love.

Don’t feel bad if the above seven step process describes you perfectly. It happens to every man after a few years of marriage. When a wife gets to know her husband a little better, he becomes less and less funny. If you talked to Jerry Seinfeld’s wife she would say the same thing.

It's really not her fault. You tell the same jokes. By the third year of your marriage she's heard every single one of them. Plus, now she's hearing those jokes from the guy who leaves his dirty socks on the floor even though he's constantly being asked to "pick up those disgusting socks."

It's inevitable. No one is to blame. It's the way God planned it.

So what can a man (who was chosen as a husband primarily because of his ability to amuse) do to keep his wife laughing? Between the two of us we have thirty years of marital experience, and even more comedy writing experience. Unfortunately, here is the comprehensive list of things a husband (of more than a few years) can say to his wife to make her laugh.

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

So is that it? Your wife is never going to laugh again? Sure she will. She just won't laugh at anything you say. She will get a huge laugh, however, out of the following ten pictures. All women think these are hysterically funny. Show them to her, and bask in the nearby laughter.













































































She's laughing, isn't she? No charge.