POLITICAL ADVERTISING OVERLOAD

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



It may be different in your state, but here in Illinois the negative political ads are on the air every second of every day, and it’s really starting to affect the citizens.


Overheard in traffic

Woman: You can get in the next lane. It’s moving.

Man: I’m staying the course.

Woman: But this lane is at a standstill.

Man: I will not cut and run.

Woman: But see that orange flashing light up there…this lane closes in five hundred feet. We need to change course.

Man: What kind of a message would that send to the troops repaving this highway?

Woman: How about we will not run you over?

Man: You’ll never understand.



Overheard in a couple’s master bathroom

Man: Honey, can you hand me the toothpaste?

Woman: Ray Miller is always looking for a handout.

Man: What? I just want to brush my teeth.

Woman: Ray Miller. Wrong for America. Wrong for my toothpaste.




Overheard in a child’s bedroom

Son: Mom, can I play on my Gameboy?

Mom: Have you finished your math homework?

Son: My opponent, Mrs. Nosenfunk, thinks that the only way to solve a problem, is to study it forever. The American people want action, not constant study.

Mom: Try this action…do your homework.



Overheard in the family room

Daughter: Dad, can you flip it to MTV?

Dad: The baseball game is on.

Daughter: Aren’t you tired of the same old empty promises? They don’t have a plan for victory.

Dad: Um…

Daughter: This year when you hold the remote, hold it accountable. It’s time for a change.

Dad: I’m not giving you the remote.



Overheard in an office

Worker: Boss, are you surfing the internet? I thought the Employee Manual said that…

Boss: I issued a signing statement.

Worker: A what?

Boss: A signing statement. That means I don’t have to follow the rules, only you do.

Worker: But that’s not fair.

Boss: War isn’t fair. I’m the Commander-in-Chief, and as long as we’re at war with ACME Corp., I have to have all the tools I need to win.

Worker: But you’re reading The Onion.

Boss: Until further notice you will be detained in your cubicle.



It’s like this everywhere now. Please, please, let this election cycle end. We can’t stand it for another moment.

We’re Half Empty and we approved this message.

NINE FINE POLITICAL WHINES

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

For instance, we have nine fine whines to get you started. All of these are served in the political arena.

1. “Partisan”
Whenever we hear someone like Ted Kennedy or Dick Cheney ripping the other party for partisan politics, we laugh out loud. Apparently mirrors are unavailable for purchase in Washington D.C.

2. “Hypocrite”
If you accuse someone of being hypocritical because he is using the exact opposite argument he used previously, and yet you disagreed with him both times, there’s a minor flaw in your own argument.

3. Staying on Message
When everyone in your party (and both parties do this now) says the same thing, using the exact same words, that is incredibly creepy. Maybe we can elect robots and program them.

4. “Treason”
The punishment for treason is death. If that’s the way you really feel, then go ahead and use the word, but we think you should forever be referred to this way: “Joe Schmo, who has called for the execution of his political enemies, said this today…”

5. Party Mascots
The mascot for the Democrats is the ass. Nice choice. The mascot for the Republicans is the elephant; the animal that produces more excrement than any other animal. Nice choice. Why not just abandon subtlety altogether and go with the weasel and the snake?

6. Staged Photo Op
Every element of your appearance is managed; from the hand-picked crowd that is told when to cheer and applaud, to the focus-group tested slogan emblazoned on the elaborately designed backdrop, to the pre-approved script, and….how are you different from Hollywood again?

7. “Nazi”
Decide for yourself if this label is getting out of hand. The following debates on the Senate floor all involved at least one Senator comparing someone on the other side to Nazis: Terry Shiavo, gun control, global warming, the threat of filibuster, immigration, and we’re not kidding here…Social Security. And the Senate is the polite house of Congress. At least they preface the charge with “My dear friend and colleague.”


8. James Carville's Diction
It's not exactly Cajun, and it's not exactly human. Are we the only ones who can't understand a word that man is saying?

9. “The Elite”
We love the use of this term by the people elected to national office, who are by their very definition “America’s Elite.” Maybe this is where we can build a foundation of agreement—when they say that “the elite” is out of touch with “real Americans,” there shouldn’t be anyone in this country who disagrees with that position.