MEDICAL SMALL TALK

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



When Rick mentioned an awkward small talk conversation he had with his urologist during his vasectomy procedure (Steve & Garry notebook), he was a little surprised at the reaction it received.

Apparently, this sort of thing happens to just about everyone. It may occur during vasectomies, but it happens at other equally embarrassing moments.

This column is for our friends in the medical profession. We know you do this sort of work every day so it’s no big deal to you. It’s only natural to lose sight of the fact that there are times when small talk is not appropriate.

We’re writing this as a gentle reminder.

A loyal reader (who begged us not to use his name) sent this to us. It’s his recollection (he called it a transcript) of a recent visit to the doctor’s office. He was there for a routine prostate exam.

At the doctor’s office

Doc: (while putting a rubber glove on his hand) Is your kid still taking piano lessons?

Patient: Yes, he really seems to like it.

Doc: (while putting lube on two fingers) Piano is almost the perfect musical instrument for kids. Once they get the basics of piano, they can move on to almost any other musical instrument after that. Please drop your pants and face the wall.

Patient: (while dropping pants and facing the wall) Yeah, I wish I stuck with my piano lessons when….

Doc: Can you spread your legs a little bit…

Patient: Sure….HELLO…when I was a kid.

Doc: (while checking prostate) My wife and I don’t have any kids but I’m a big believer in the piano.

Patient: Yeah….(grunt)…me too.

Doc: (while moving fingers around and squeezing prostate) Did you know that kids who naturally pick up the piano are usually pretty good at math, and kids that are pretty good at math are usually pretty good at piano?

Patient: Yeah….um….I….heard….(grunt)…that.

Doc: (while removing fingers) It’s really a mathematical process.

Patient: (exhaling) I guess so.

Doc: (while taking off his glove and tossing it in the garbage can) Are your kids good at math?

Patient: Yes…they…

Doc: You can pull your pants back up.

Patient: Oh, thanks. Yeah, they are pretty good at math. So…how did it turn out?

Doc: My wife and I both still play the piano.

Patient: (pointing at the garbage can) No, I mean…

Doc: Oh? It’s fine. No problems. You’re just getting older. Nothing to worry about.

Got any other examples of awkward small talk conversations during really embarrassing moments? We’d love to hear them. We promise not to reveal your name. Just click on the “E-mail me” link, and send in a transcript (as close as you can remember it) of your conversation.

Our favorite diseases and injuries

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern


Remember the good old days when you used to make fun of your dad for all those funny grunts he made when he got up off a chair? Or how about all those carefree hours of laughter you had at the expense of your Uncle Gabe and his ear hair? You were a regular Henny Youngman back then, weren’t you? King of the comedy world.

Now let us ask you a question: How funny is your routine now that you’re blitzkrieging towards middle age?

Thought so.

Well, rapidly aging readers, don't fret. Your good buddies Rick and Dave are going to help you through the aging process a little bit. Obviously, as we get older our body tends to get a few more aches and pains along the way. It’s inevitable. The trick is to find the right aches and pains.

In fact, if you follow our lead, we can make the natural deterioration of your body a semi-pleasant experience. Simply get extremely mild cases of the following diseases and injuries, and your life may actually improve:


Tinnitus –Tinnitus is a constant ringing in the ears. What is the treatment? Sufferers need to sit in a quiet room free of all screaming children. To drown out the ringing, a constant sound in the background is permitted. Sporting events on television work perfectly.

Sleep Apnea – You don’t want to take a long afternoon nap every day, you are medically required to do so.

Jumping Frenchman of Maine – This real (Jumping Frenchman of Maine) disorder is characterized by an unusually extreme “startle reaction” to an unexpected noise or sight. For instance, your in-laws showing up unexpectedly at your door might elicit this extreme response. Perhaps the sight of the $400 pair of shoes your wife just bought might have similar consequences. Treatment options? Your loved ones must avoid any and all changes in your environment.

Hyper-extended elbow- Most orthopedic doctors agree that this is one of the hardest injuries to treat. People can have lingering pain from an injury they had many years ago (did somebody mention painkillers?). All manual labor, like helping your wife’s brother move for the third time in three years, should be avoided.

Compulsive Shopper – I’ll go to the store, honey! Just give me that credit card and whoopee!!!! What do you mean I’m absolutely forbidden to go to the mall?

Alien Hand Syndrome – This is an unusual neurological disorder in which one of the sufferer's hands seems to take on a life of its own. No, I did not intentionally flip off that bus driver; I’m ill. Honey, did I unbutton your shirt again? Darn hand.

Temporary loss of smell – Doctors are baffled as to why many men in their 30’s and 40’s temporarily lose their sense of smell. Equally puzzling is why many of the afflicted have young children in diapers.

Chronic Allergies – Allergies are a nuisance, but an allergic reaction to grass means you can’t mow the lawn. An allergic reaction to cats and/or dogs means you really should spend the next family gathering at Uncle Leo’s house sitting outside by yourself.

Heart Disease – This one’s a bit tricky. Go overboard and things could get ugly. However, many scientists think that deficiency in the vitamins B6, B12 and folate can cause cardiovascular disease. Guess what is rich in B6, B12 and folate……..BEER. Honey can you pick up my prescription at the liquor store on your way home?


Are there any that we’re forgetting? Feel free to send us your favorite disease and injury suggestions, by clicking on the word “comments” below.

We’ll have plenty of time to read them. We’re medically required to spend the rest of the day in our basements.